Difficult Question

[Tabris]

I wish I had been there because I would have removed that man's voice box with a rusty spoon.

My second baby died two hours after she was born.

Here's a question for you: if your mother and father have both died, are you still someone's daughter?  If your grandparents have died, then are you still someone's granddaughter?

Yes, the mother of a stillborn baby is still a MOTHER. The father of a stillborn baby is a FATHER. The love doesn't end the minute the pregnancy does.

I'm sorry you had to deal with such stupidity. For Christmas, I would like to give the world a Clue.

[shadowfox79]

Of course you're still your son's mother. And you were a mother even after his loss before you adopted. A bereaved mother is still a mother.

That man may hold a different opinion and there's not a lot you can do about that, but anyone who would say that to a bereaved mother is a callous jerk and not worthy of a second thought. I would have reduced him to a quivering pile of mush for saying that to anyone in my hearing.

I do remember this coming up in Dear Prudence - the writer saying that her "friend" was telling people she was wrong in the head for considering herself a mother - and I was frankly surprised that nobody had given that "friend" a slap, because I would have at the very least given her a piece of my mind if she had said that to me.

[Bethalize]

  Of course you are a mother.

This person is horrible and unkind and nasty and hurtful and makes me cry and I'm not even you. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm even sorry you have to deal with awful people like this.

[graceh9]

I think a person who has had a child is a parent --but many 'parent related' questions are more about rearing a child than having had one i.e. parenting a child which if one loses their child one can no longer do

so the answer to the question depends a little on the purpose of the question (am I giving out free tickets to a disney movie or soliciting subscriptions to Parenting magazine or asking to get to know you better etc?)

it is a failure of think first/mouth second for someone to blurt out the hurtful thing your friends did about mother's day.  OF COURSE mother's day is meaningful to someone who lost their baby as you did at birth -- of course you are a mother -- people who do not know the ins and outs of another person's life need to refrain from this kind of idiotic and obviously potentially hurtful remark.  I think one should view it as thoughtless rather than intentionally hurtful. 

I remember expressing surprise that a close colleague of mine -- we had written a book together, that close -- was celebrating mother's day with his wife because they had made it clear that they didn't want kids (or so I thought) -- as soon as this surprise escaped my mouth I immediately thought 'I don't know what tragedy may have occurred in his life long before I knew them' and was mortified that I might have blundered into the ugliness you encountered.  So I apologized for saying that, noting that I hoped I hadn't caused pain -- he then had some convoluted explanation of how they conceptualize mother's day -- something to do with their choice to not have kids and their dogs -- that let me off the hook -- but I have never made a similar remark with others for fear of inflicting the pain that was visited on you.

[Cyndi]

If you have or once had a life in your womb, you are a mother. What that man said was asinine and I wish I could have been there to punch him.

[Balletmom]

Of course you are a mother.

Ridiculous and hurtful.

But as I tell my children, it doesn't matter if someone says the sky is green, you know it's blue (or whatever color it happens to be today.) You don't have to argue with idiotic thinking.

[JoyinVirginia]

I am sorry for your loss. Of course you are still a mother to the child you lost.
I am appalled by that horrible person's words and opinion. What if some tragedy happened to his child? Would that take away the fact they had been parents? Some people just don't know how stupid some of their words make them sound.
joy in Virginia

[Clara Bow]

You had a child, thus you are a mother. If you've been pregnant, you are a mother. You are a mother if you've adopted, or had stepchildren. You experienced the feelings that a mother has for her child and you deserve to observe Mother's Day. Period.
I am so sorry that you went through such pain, I cannot imagine how that must have felt...but you are a mother. As far as I'm concerned, your friend was a horrid *insert swearword* for daring to say such an insensitive thing in front of you. I hope they weren't rubbing your nose in the death of your child, but I think I would have taken it that way as well.
I've heard people say you're not a real mother until you have more than one child...I guess I'm not a real mother, though my little man can seem like twelve kids some days...
I wish that hadn't happened to you, you did not deserve that.

[RegionMom]

Sometimes Mother's Day can be so difficult that the most avowed church members will skip this day.  Whether due to child loss, or the death of a mother, the happy "have a flower" can make a woman leave in tears.

My 3rd child died at full-term birth; I have a 3 stone Mother's ring.

We joined a pregnancy loss support group and the leader had had 4 children die.  He was SO much a father and an inspiration of hope to us, even though he never did get to hold but one of his children on earth.

What about mothers that loved their child so much as give their child up for  adoption to a better home?  That is sacrificial love.

Some "mothers" are so selfish and only use their babies as fashion accessories, you wonder why they had kids.     

Teachers are mothers to dozens of children each year.  You do not have to give birth to love.  If you carried a child in your womb, then  you have the additional physical pain to go along with emotional.

That man was an unthinking clod for his comments.

I am sorry for your loss.  My first Mother's Day I was actually comforted to find out that a woman in her 60's still missed her stillborn son and Mother's Day was hard for her.  That meant that I would never "get over" my daugher, nor forget her.  Five years later, I still sometimes see a child that "reminds" me of what I think she would be like. 

You had a child.  You are a mother, no matter what happens.  Like Tabris said, are you suddenly no longer a daughter if your parents die? 

Now everyone, go hug someone!!!

[ZipTheWonder]

You will always be your son's mother.

My condolences on your loss.

[Minmom3]

Those are the kind of people who tell adoptive parents that they 'aren't real' parents since they didn't contribute genes or actually birth the kid....

Yeah, I think you're a mother still.  The only women I know who have had stillbirths or children die right after birth certainly count those kids in the tally!  Yours died a little earlier than some, but that doesn't mean he or she never existed..  Your 'friend' isn't very friendly to you to say such a thing.  IMHO. 

[Fabrashamx]

 I am so sorry for your loss, and so very sorry you had to be hurt by such a cruel and stupid man.

 Of course you are a mother, That will never ever change.

 I have had similar problems, My brothers helicopter crashed in the phillipines when he was a 20 year old navy medic. People ask how many brothers and sisters I have, and I always include him in my count. He will always be my brother and your son will always be your child.

Take care, Fabby

[bopper]

Question, when a parent has lost a child, are they still a parent? 

I  ask because years ago, my only biological child was stillborn.  About 10 years later my husband and I were discussing our plans for Mother's Day with another couple.  The Husband looked at me and said, "YOU can't celebrate Mother's Day, you're not a mother."

This hurt me on many levels, one it reminded me that I would never have a biological child. Two, this couple had a 4 year old child, so it was kind of rubbing it in my face that their child was healthy while mine was dead. Three, it was just a very hateful thing to say.

So, am I a mother or not?  I know I am now as we have adopted 3 beautiful children, but.... am I still my son's mother?   Any thoughts?

You know you are your son's mother.  However, did that man know you had lost a child 10 years ago?  He may have been speaking out of ignorance as he may have never seen you pregnant, not seeing any children you had at the time and you hadn't adopted yet.  He may not have known you wanted children.  Yes, it would be better had he kept his thoughts to himself, but presented with the evidence he knew at the time he may wonder why you would celebrate Mother's Day.

[Bob Ducca]

Of course you are still his mother, and I am so sorry.  A dear couple we were close to lost their first child, and it was so hard, partly because a lot of people treat a stillborn child (or a child who dies very early) like it never existed.  But you bond with the child before the birth.

You are a mother also to your adopted children.  But the fact that your son died doesn't negate his existence.

If this man knew about your son's death, I would strongly recommend ceasing any association with him.  That sort of comment is totally uncalled for.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[goblue2539]

You ARE a mother in so many ways.  I'm fighting back tears now for you, and send all the love and support you can get from the internet from me to you.

My mother still talks about my brother in heaven.  She was only 5 months along when she lost him, but we both still think of him up there, and how we sometimes still wish he'd have made it here.  Granted, she doesn't talk about him a lot because she's pretty sure losing him contributed to the divorce (which she rightfully blames my father for), but I know about him, and I know she'll tell my little brother and sister when they're old enough to understand.  He's family, even if he took the short road to being an angel. 

And whoever said the part about being mom to an angel.... I'll make sure to pass it on to my mom.  Thank you for sharing that.