General Etiquette > Family and Children

and you thought this was tacky at weddings...

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Sandi Papaya:
My mom came in this evening after spending the day in the hospital with my grandma and doing some Christmas shopping and etc. I chose to stay home and rested most of the day - I was groggy from painkillers half the day, and was asleep when Mom got home, bearing the mail.

Our Saturday mail contained the usual assortment of junk mail and such, but holiday greeting cards are starting to arrive, and one of the envelopes addressed jointly to me and my mom was from the youngest of my 8 now-adult cousins (I have 2 others who are toddlers - my youngst aunt was a late-in-life surprise for my grandparents and had her 2 kids in her mid-30s). I thought it was nice of my cousin to send a holiday greeting - only it wasn't quite...

Anyway, the youngest of the adults is 20 and transferring to a state college next semester, and sent out a beautifully decorated letter outlining this fact - and begging for donations of cash instead of gifts. This girl drives a Mercedes SUV for which she does not pay a dime, except for gas, and though she works, blows all her money on expensive designer clothes and shoes; getting her hair, nails, and eyebrows done; expensive MAC makeup (I admit, she wears it well - but still) and expensive, brand-name accessories (Coach comes to mind). She's asking for money this Christmas to help "cover expenses" like groceries and etc.  :o

I love my cousin, but if she wants cash for groceries and gas, I'm giving her gift cards to a grocery store and a gas station (and a roll of quarters for laundry). I am not financing this little venture with cash money which she can then use to her advantage to blow on more clothes, more makeup, drinking/clubbing bouts in Mexican border resort towns and such.

I went to school in Southern California for four years, and never once did I beg anyone in my family to "help" me with the attendant expenses of going to college. I had financial aid and I held down a job, which was part-time during the school year, but became full-time in the summers and in my later years of college when I could take fewer classes.

I'm not angry at my cousin - I do love her very much, but I have to wonder sometimes if my younger cousins' heads were stuffed with straw instead of brains. Although they are a bunch good-hearted kids in their early-to-mid 20s, there is not a one of them who doesn't have a spoiled, entitled side and is hardly ever held to account for their follies, letting their parents take the (usually financial) fall for antics such as DUIs, having accidents while driving underage (and without a license), running up outrageous cellphone bills and the like. :-X

If I had been like that between the ages of 18-25, I would now be living in a box under the freeway because my mom would never have stood for that. My mom is known to be the "strictest" parent in our family, but has helped me out of a financial crisis or two. However, I am always expected to pay her back, and I don't live off her (even though I live with her, I helped buy this house, and help pay the mortgage and utilities) now that I am over 18. Also, I've always been taught not to expect handouts from friends and family just because they are my friends and family. Even if I would "prefer" cash rather than gifts, I don't up and send out this information to all my family. I tell them when I am asked what I want.

*sigh* These clueless kids. ::) I'd post the letter here, because it was actually kind of cute, but my mom tore it up and threw it in the garbage. She was (rightfully, IMO) appalled. Judging from the cutesy poetry (which, the English major in me is tempted to point out, does not even scan properly) it was my aunt who planted the idea in my cousin's head, but that doesn't make it any less appalling. Or tacky.

Am I related to space aliens?  ???

Tabris:

--- Quote from: MsMoonbunny on December 10, 2006, 04:34:13 AM ---Although they are a bunch good-hearted kids in their early-to-mid 20s[....] antics such as DUIs, having accidents while driving underage (and without a license), running up outrageous cellphone bills and the like.

--- End quote ---

Excuse me? DUIs are not "antics" from someone who is "good-hearted."  Driving without a license is not an "antic." These are dangerous things that show a profound disrespect for others' rights to live and be healthy. I mean, weren't you in a halo for three months *because* someone whacked your car after he'd been drinking? Wouldn't you be infuriated if one of his relatives posted here about how good-hearted he is?

Anyone can run up an outrageous cell phone bill....once.  But after that, I don't know. I can't see how it's good-hearted to try to corner other people into paying one's debts or risking someone else's life or health. It just sounds self-centered to me.

Good-hearted people tend to do things that show care toward others. Maybe your cousins have that in them, but none of that came out from your post.

Chartreuse:

--- Quote from: MsMoonbunny on December 10, 2006, 04:34:13 AM ---Although they are a bunch good-hearted kids in their early-to-mid 20s, there is not a one of them who doesn't have a spoiled, entitled side and is hardly ever held to account for their follies, letting their parents take the (usually financial) fall for antics such as DUIs, having accidents while driving underage (and without a license), running up outrageous cellphone bills and the like. :-X

--- End quote ---

Eventually, they're going to discover cold hard reality and man, are they not going to be able to handle it.

My grandparents coddled and entitled my uncle.  Now he's in his 40s and still takes absolutely no responsibility for his actions.  He hasn't held a steady job for more than 2 or three years at a time, basically spends most of his life bar hopping and chasing women my age, and can't understand why no sane woman would want to settle down with him.  He's a financial and emotional leech on my grandparents.  He's extremely depressed and miserable, yet refuses to take responsibility and haul himself up.  The scary part is that my parents are coddling my youngest sister in much the same way he started out.   ::)

I was always under the impression that parenting was the art of raising a kid so by the time they're an adult they're a good, responsible, and productive member of society?  Entitlement brats, they never get to that point, they're kind of permanently stunted drains on everyone around them.   ???

I have to agree with Tabris on this one.  The driving without a license and DUI thing is inexcusable.  They may be pleasant to be around, but both those things are inexcusably dangerous and disrespectful for everyone else.  If they'd like to go out and risk their own lives doing stupid things, that's their business, but when it involves moving vehicles on the road, they're risking the lives of everyone around them.  I certainly hope your cousins have grown out of it.   :(

graceh9:
they don't sound 'good hearted fun loving kids' but rather a family of sociopaths -- DUI and assorted destructive behaviors have the capacity to kill and running up huge bills for mom and dad to pay off while not as destructive also demonstrate a lack of consideration and empathy

sounds like a horror show to me

to beg for money on top of it -- ick -- I'd be inclined to buy a pig for a village in Guatemala and send a nice card

Sandi Papaya:
ok, you guys got me there...what I meant was, while they do stupid stuff once in a while (not all the incidents cited were caused by one person, just examples of the kind of stuff my cousins in their early-to-mid 20s got in trouble for as teens, but none of us older kids did), their intentions are good otherwise - it's lack of good parenting that has gotten them into scrapes (which fortunately didn't harm others). I didn't mean "antics" in the sense of "good clean fun" - I was using the term more sarcastically. They've gotten themselves into serious stuff and made their parents angry and/or driven them crazy, but it usually didn't result in any consequences for them (except for my cousin who got the DUI - he didn't harm anyone, fortunately, but himself and his mom's wallet, but he is devoting a big part of his paychecks from his first "real" job to paying his mom back).

My 20-year-old cousin is the worst of the lot, though, as she has always been a spoiled entitlement princess. She's a sweet enough girl, but never, ever learns from her mistakes and is never made to pay the consequences for her behavior. I love her, but she definitely hasn't "grown up" yet...and the day she's made to "grow up," it's going to get ugly.

She's one of my cousins who was really there for me throughout my whole ordeal post-accident, but I'm not repaying the favor in cash. I was planning on giving her some practical gift cards for Xmas anyway, but the blatant cash-grab really got to me.

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