My daughter is wearing me out

[hjaye]

A little BG, I'll try not to make it long.

My daughter has had a lot if issues in her life.  She has consistently made poor choices which has made her life one that not too many people would envy.  Whenever she has shown signs of turning things around, she always finds a way to shoot herself in her foot and end up making things worse than they were before.

She has a seven year old son who lives with his dad.  His dad is a nice enough guy but can be immature and irresponsible too.  This means my grandson does not have a whole lot.  I try and do whatever I can for him to help him (My grandson) along.  He lived with me for a couple of years and I still make sure he spends at least one night a week at my house. 

I have a large house and I live by myself.  My grandson has a room that is his with all his things and his toys.  I want him to know that there is at least one place in his life he can claim as his own.

Every other weekend I pickup my grandson and bring him to my house for the weekend, I also pick up my daughter and bring her to the house so she can spend time with her son.  He misses her and when I pick him up on the weekend, his first question is if his mommy is at the house.

The problem I have, is that my daughter is very unappreciative of the things I do for her.  I'll grant her the fact that most of what I do is for the benefit of my grandson, but I will help her out when I can.  What she forgets, is that I am typically going out of my way in both time and money when I help out.  I don't mind pointing it out to her, and it will sink in for a moment, but then she'll go right back to her forgetting I am not placed on this earth to be at her beck at call.

I have become very good at pointing out to her that some things are not possible, and I do not allow her to question me as to why, but it does get tiring.

This weekend is a good example.  I sent her a text message yesterday telling her to be ready at 4:30 so I could pick her up after I left work on my way home.  It makes things a lot easier for me, she only lived fifteen minutes from where I work, and it saves me from making a thirty mile trip back to Dallas if I pick her up on Saturday.  Plus I usually have plans on Friday, so it allows me to pick up grandson on Friday and he gets to spend a little more time at the house which I know he wants to do since he will have his father call me to find out if he is getting picked up on Friday.

After I sent her the test message, she called me to ask me if I could wait until Saturday to get her.  I don't want to get into the reasons why, but this time I said OK, but I was going to pick her up early Saturday since I had plans for the day.  She said she would be ready.

I got there this morning at 8:00am like I said I would, and she was asleep.  She was complaining she was tired and wanted me to go away for an hour, then she told me to just go home and she would find someone to give her a ride and she promised she would be at my house by 12:00

I told her none of that was possible, she asked me why what was I doing today.  I told her that was none of her business, the facts were I had already gone out of my way to drive back to Dallas this morning, I had got up early to do it so it wouldn't affect my plans for the day, my grandson was expecting to be picked up this morning, and either she could come with me now or she could skip the weekend, so she came with me.

Later after dropping her and my grandson off at the house, I left to go do my morning chores. She asked me to stop by the Metro PCS store to pay her phone bill and gave me the money.  I took it and when I had time later in the morning I tried to find one in the town I'm in.  Turns out there is not one here.  When I got home, I told her I couldn't find one, and told her to look it up to see if there was a store in town.  The nearest store is about fifteen miles away.  I told her that it was not going to be possible for me to go there today.  She again asked me what I was doing.  I again told her, my plans are not up for discussion and are none of her business.  She told me if she didn't make the payment today her phone would be shut off (yay, all she does is text her friends the whole time she is here anyway).  I told her that this was not my problem.  He reply was to tell me in a sarcastic tone of voice, well thanks for the help.

If my grandson would not miss his mom so much, I swear I would just wash my hands of her until she grows up.  She's twenty five by the way.

[ladiedeathe]

First of all, G-d bless you and big hugs for all of this. Sometimes ya just need em.


Now, the hard part.

You are being used and it hurts. The only way to not be used is to not be used.

If you want to pick her up for your GS sake, then do it, but ONLY that- period. If she is not where she is supposed to be at the right time, you leave. No errands. No money lent. No "let me buy us all lunch."

She has to be responsible for herself, for her own and her child's sake. If she can't do that, then she has to learn to do that, before the child spends years seeing Mommy beg for favors and cash.

Spare the boy that much, even if he will miss her.

If this is too much for you, you can stop it. Yes, GS will miss her BUT it is HER responsibility to see her son, not yours to make it happen. You are doing the best you can to be a warm and stable GM; you don't have to take care of his Mommy too- she gave up her right to being babied when she stopped doing the best things for her own baby.

Again, good luck and big hugs.

[hjaye]

Thank you for the kind words ladiedeathe.

First off just to keep things straight, I'm grandpa (GP).................

Secondly, I'm not blind to the situation, I know what my daughter and what she tries to do.  There is a lot of background regarding my daughter that would fill up pages and pages of space on forums concerning toxic families especially in dealing with things that have happened between her and her mom.  That being said, there comes a point in a persons life where they need to take responsibility for themselves and stop blaming others and unfortunately in that regard my daughter is a huge dissapointment.

The really hard thing as a dad, is trying to recognize when you are helping a child and when you are enabling them.  I know I've done things that have enabled, I may be doing the same thing now.  I'm willing to put up with some of it if I believe it will help my grandson. I'm hoping my grandson will be able to break out of the cycle that his mom and dad have created.  My grandson has had some issues in regards to trust and opening up to people and I truly believe it is in his best interest to spend time with his mom.  At least for now.  He doesn't need to know about the mistakes that his mom and dad have made, all he needs to know at this point in his life is that his parents love him and want to be with him.  I grateful that I don't have to lie about that part, it is the truth.

One thing this forum has helped me to learn, is that I do not have to explain myself to my daughter as to why I do things or why I don't them.  I make my decisions and she has to learn to adjust herself to my schedule not hers. 

[ladiedeathe]

It's hard, and some days it feels like a burden that weighs a thousand pounds. For GS sake take care of yourself Darlin.

And remember- kids do some weird and terrible stuff, even the ones of us that have grown up, like your daughter. Eventually, most of us get it right.

Oh, and sorry about the gender confusion GP!

[Mysticpizza]

Just a (((hug))) for you. I don't have any advice. Sounds like you understand what's going on and are just trying to help.

It's good that you're there for your grandson, and your daughter. I hope and pray that the situation works out for the best for all.

[goblue2539]

I have to tell you, one of the best and yet ugliest things I had to learn was that my father is totally unreliable.  It was best, because I learned it on my own without anyone else telling me anything bad about him. The ugliest because it resulted in me not having any contact with him after I turned 19. 

You can't save your GS from that.  Just put your energy into being there for him and keeping that one place for him that you already created.  He'll turn to it and to you when he needs you.  I can't say enough how important a stable force is in a child's life with divorced parents.  Kudos to you for being that for him. 

[hjaye]

I have to tell you, one of the best and yet ugliest things I had to learn was that my father is totally unreliable.  It was best, because I learned it on my own without anyone else telling me anything bad about him. The ugliest because it resulted in me not having any contact with him after I turned 19. 

You can't save your GS from that.  Just put your energy into being there for him and keeping that one place for him that you already created.  He'll turn to it and to you when he needs you.  I can't say enough how important a stable force is in a child's life with divorced parents.  Kudos to you for being that for him. 

Thanks for the kind words.

I agree about trying to maintain some stability in a child's life.  It was not very nice for him when my daughter and his dad split up.  They didn't get along well and were constantly arguing, but still it was just the three of them.  As things got worse my daughter finally left, she stayed with me for a month, but it didn't last, she wore out her welcome because even though she was twenty two, she was acting like she was twelve.  I told her I had already lived with her once as a twelve year and I wasn't going to go through it again.  When she left her husband she and my grandson came to live with me, when she left, she took him even though I told her he was more than welcome to stay, I wanted him to stay, I was begging her not to go with him.  She had no where to go, no job, no car, and the only friends she had were drugged out crooks.  She took him, it only lasted for three days, she couldn't take care of him so she took him back to his dad.  His dad though had moved his girlfriend and her four kids into the apartment (the GF was pregnant with the fifth, it was not his though) He also had moved in his brother and his brothers GF (who was the sister of his pregnant GF) and their child. 

So when my grandson had last seen his dad, which had been about a week and a half it was just his dad in the apartment, now there were four adults and five kids (not counting my grandson).  His bedroom was now being used by his uncle and uncle's GF and kid.  All of his toys and things were being used by these other kids.  This was a two bedroom apartment though.

thankfully his dad agreed with me that things were a bit crowded and let my grandson come stay with me.  It worked out really well, I only lived five minutes away, and his dad would pick him up from day care and keep him until I got home from work.  It was still a pretty big culture shock for him.

He lived with me for two years until his dad decided he wanted my grandson to live with him full time again.  I really tried to talk him out of it but I don't want to hurt the relationship his dad and I have.

It's hard though, they move constantly, there are never more than three bedrooms and usually just two, and there are always about four or five adults and G-D knows how many kids in the house at any one time.

That's why it's very important to me to make sure my GS knows there is one place that is all his and no one is going to take that away from him.  The clothes and toys that are at my house are his and he doesn't' have to share them or worry about anyone else breaking them.

[goblue2539]

You're doing all you can.  I know it's hard, but please try to remember that you're probably the best thing in that little boy's life, and that's a Good Thing.  He needs someone good. 

And don't think you  need to explain or defend your daughter (or especially your own) actions to him.  Just be there, and let him know he can come to you when he starts realizing the way things are and the way they went.  He'll know that he has someone who loves him that he can count on when it matters. 

Be strong.  You're a great grandpa, I can tell. 

One more thing, and I don't know if this even matters in your situation.  In my Sociology class, one of the last things we talked about was children of divorce.  new studies show that children of high-conflict marriages actually do better after divorce.  Not sure if that's a light at the end of the tunnel for you, but I had to share.

[Shortcake]

I don't have any advice. I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. (((hugs))) It sounds like a rough situation. You are a great grandpa! Your grandson is lucky to have you in his life.

[hjaye]

Well this weekend coming up is another visitation weekend.  It's going to be interesting to see how it works out.

Typically I never hear from my daughter until the very last minute.  I had started texting her on Fridays telling her to be ready around 5:00pm so I can pick her up after work.  Sometimes it works, other times she'll text back or call and tell me that this is inconvenient for her.

This week I'm not contacting her.  I'll just pick up my grandson Friday after work.  I don't expect to hear from her until sometime Saturday morning, I expect it to be a text wanting to know when I'm coming to get her.  My reply will be if she wants to see her son, she'll have to make her own arrangements.  I've told her countless times in the past she needs to be in touch with me so I can plan accordingly, she still thinks I'm going to drop everything and come running at her convenience.

If she does contact me today or before I get off work tomorrow then I'll make plans that work out the best for both of us.

[Asha]

Just adding another *hug* of support.  Children learn by example, and it sounds like you are providing your GS with an example of a man who is strong and caring and respects himself and can set reasonable limits.  That's a WONDERFUL lesson.

[LyanneB1]

hjaye, just wanted to say, thank you for being there for your grandson - we know it isn't always easy what with your daughter & grandson's dad - but you're always there for him & letting him know how important he is to you.  Good luck for the weekend.

[goblue2539]

stay strong!  Don't back down on your plan to not call/text her.  It'll do her some good to not have you jumping to her tune. 

[MommaBear]

I have to tell you, one of the best and yet ugliest things I had to learn was that my father is totally unreliable.  It was best, because I learned it on my own without anyone else telling me anything bad about him. The ugliest because it resulted in me not having any contact with him after I turned 19. 

You can't save your GS from that.  Just put your energy into being there for him and keeping that one place for him that you already created.  He'll turn to it and to you when he needs you.  I can't say enough how important a stable force is in a child's life with divorced parents.  Kudos to you for being that for him. 

I have to say (not the hijack or anything) that this is what happened to me also. My dad was totally unreliable when I was growing up. Would tell me things and that when the time for these things came to pass, it never materialized. It is a hard thing (and I'm still angry at him for this) and I have promised myself that my kids will not go through that.

If his mom really loved him enough, she would put him first. Right now she is still acting like a child (much like your gs father). Instead of trying to foster a relationship on them both, concentrate on him instead.

One of the brightest things in my life were my grandparents (my dad's mom and dad). They were our anchor in our lives. My grandpa was really my father figure, more so than my dad was/is. I looked up to him and I remember all the things he had done for me and my siblings as we were growing up. My dad is still a bit immature and now he's lying in the bed he has made. I wish that my kids knew their great-grandfather. He would love them as much as their own grandparents do.

You are doing an amazing job with your gs. Keep it up!! /hugs

-Mary