Etiquette School is in session! > "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

My daughter is wearing me out

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hjaye:
A little BG, I'll try not to make it long.

My daughter has had a lot if issues in her life.  She has consistently made poor choices which has made her life one that not too many people would envy.  Whenever she has shown signs of turning things around, she always finds a way to shoot herself in her foot and end up making things worse than they were before.

She has a seven year old son who lives with his dad.  His dad is a nice enough guy but can be immature and irresponsible too.  This means my grandson does not have a whole lot.  I try and do whatever I can for him to help him (My grandson) along.  He lived with me for a couple of years and I still make sure he spends at least one night a week at my house. 

I have a large house and I live by myself.  My grandson has a room that is his with all his things and his toys.  I want him to know that there is at least one place in his life he can claim as his own.

Every other weekend I pickup my grandson and bring him to my house for the weekend, I also pick up my daughter and bring her to the house so she can spend time with her son.  He misses her and when I pick him up on the weekend, his first question is if his mommy is at the house.

The problem I have, is that my daughter is very unappreciative of the things I do for her.  I'll grant her the fact that most of what I do is for the benefit of my grandson, but I will help her out when I can.  What she forgets, is that I am typically going out of my way in both time and money when I help out.  I don't mind pointing it out to her, and it will sink in for a moment, but then she'll go right back to her forgetting I am not placed on this earth to be at her beck at call.

I have become very good at pointing out to her that some things are not possible, and I do not allow her to question me as to why, but it does get tiring.

This weekend is a good example.  I sent her a text message yesterday telling her to be ready at 4:30 so I could pick her up after I left work on my way home.  It makes things a lot easier for me, she only lived fifteen minutes from where I work, and it saves me from making a thirty mile trip back to Dallas if I pick her up on Saturday.  Plus I usually have plans on Friday, so it allows me to pick up grandson on Friday and he gets to spend a little more time at the house which I know he wants to do since he will have his father call me to find out if he is getting picked up on Friday.

After I sent her the test message, she called me to ask me if I could wait until Saturday to get her.  I don't want to get into the reasons why, but this time I said OK, but I was going to pick her up early Saturday since I had plans for the day.  She said she would be ready.

I got there this morning at 8:00am like I said I would, and she was asleep.  She was complaining she was tired and wanted me to go away for an hour, then she told me to just go home and she would find someone to give her a ride and she promised she would be at my house by 12:00

I told her none of that was possible, she asked me why what was I doing today.  I told her that was none of her business, the facts were I had already gone out of my way to drive back to Dallas this morning, I had got up early to do it so it wouldn't affect my plans for the day, my grandson was expecting to be picked up this morning, and either she could come with me now or she could skip the weekend, so she came with me.

Later after dropping her and my grandson off at the house, I left to go do my morning chores. She asked me to stop by the Metro PCS store to pay her phone bill and gave me the money.  I took it and when I had time later in the morning I tried to find one in the town I'm in.  Turns out there is not one here.  When I got home, I told her I couldn't find one, and told her to look it up to see if there was a store in town.  The nearest store is about fifteen miles away.  I told her that it was not going to be possible for me to go there today.  She again asked me what I was doing.  I again told her, my plans are not up for discussion and are none of her business.  She told me if she didn't make the payment today her phone would be shut off (yay, all she does is text her friends the whole time she is here anyway).  I told her that this was not my problem.  He reply was to tell me in a sarcastic tone of voice, well thanks for the help.

If my grandson would not miss his mom so much, I swear I would just wash my hands of her until she grows up.  She's twenty five by the way.

ladiedeathe:
First of all, G-d bless you and big hugs for all of this. Sometimes ya just need em.


Now, the hard part.

You are being used and it hurts. The only way to not be used is to not be used.

If you want to pick her up for your GS sake, then do it, but ONLY that- period. If she is not where she is supposed to be at the right time, you leave. No errands. No money lent. No "let me buy us all lunch."

She has to be responsible for herself, for her own and her child's sake. If she can't do that, then she has to learn to do that, before the child spends years seeing Mommy beg for favors and cash.

Spare the boy that much, even if he will miss her.

If this is too much for you, you can stop it. Yes, GS will miss her BUT it is HER responsibility to see her son, not yours to make it happen. You are doing the best you can to be a warm and stable GM; you don't have to take care of his Mommy too- she gave up her right to being babied when she stopped doing the best things for her own baby.

Again, good luck and big hugs.

hjaye:
Thank you for the kind words ladiedeathe.

First off just to keep things straight, I'm grandpa (GP)................. ;D

Secondly, I'm not blind to the situation, I know what my daughter and what she tries to do.  There is a lot of background regarding my daughter that would fill up pages and pages of space on forums concerning toxic families especially in dealing with things that have happened between her and her mom.  That being said, there comes a point in a persons life where they need to take responsibility for themselves and stop blaming others and unfortunately in that regard my daughter is a huge dissapointment.

The really hard thing as a dad, is trying to recognize when you are helping a child and when you are enabling them.  I know I've done things that have enabled, I may be doing the same thing now.  I'm willing to put up with some of it if I believe it will help my grandson. I'm hoping my grandson will be able to break out of the cycle that his mom and dad have created.  My grandson has had some issues in regards to trust and opening up to people and I truly believe it is in his best interest to spend time with his mom.  At least for now.  He doesn't need to know about the mistakes that his mom and dad have made, all he needs to know at this point in his life is that his parents love him and want to be with him.  I grateful that I don't have to lie about that part, it is the truth.

One thing this forum has helped me to learn, is that I do not have to explain myself to my daughter as to why I do things or why I don't them.  I make my decisions and she has to learn to adjust herself to my schedule not hers. 

ladiedeathe:
It's hard, and some days it feels like a burden that weighs a thousand pounds. For GS sake take care of yourself Darlin.

And remember- kids do some weird and terrible stuff, even the ones of us that have grown up, like your daughter. Eventually, most of us get it right.

Oh, and sorry about the gender confusion GP! :-[

Mysticpizza:
Just a (((hug))) for you. I don't have any advice. Sounds like you understand what's going on and are just trying to help.

It's good that you're there for your grandson, and your daughter. I hope and pray that the situation works out for the best for all.

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