Author Topic: This is NOT as easy as it looks...  (Read 3139 times)

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happy_baker

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This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« on: May 21, 2008, 04:22:19 PM »
...maybe it's my own fault for trying to make it look easier than it is, so as not to freak anyone out... ::)

'Kay, background: I am almost five months pregnant, and, while it hasn't been a picnic, I've definitely had it a bit easier than a lot of my girlfriends. I've been learning a LOT about pregnancy that I did not know, and some stuff that I'd hear and just not understand, because I guess some of this stuff really is the sort of thing you've got to live to "get".

That said, before I became pregnant, we were having a hard time getting there, and I'd had to distance myself from several friends who would NOT STOP COMPLAINING about being pregnant, about having a kid, about having another kid, about staying home, about not wanting to work (same person! ::)) etc. etc. Even at the time, I knew that pregnancy was not a big bowl of sweet juicy cherries, but, really? NOTHING but complaints? Do you not know how lucky you are, and how I would trade places with you in a second? All of which is why I really try responding to a "How are you feeling" with a cheery "Just fine!" and focusing on a positive thing that had happened, or that I was feeling, instead of giving the asker a blow by blow of my latest complaint/sick feeling, etc.

Now, I am afraid that this "Pollyanna Policy" is coming back to bite me in the rear, because two of our friends just do NOT understand why I cannot be their DD tonight. To their thinking, it's easy: I won't be drinking. They will. (And so will DH, but DH has never, and does not now have, a problem with being responsible and careful and driving himself/me safely home. I've never felt comfortable driving at night, even before the baby.) We live near each other. DH and I have the roomier car. From the exchange we had with them, it became quite clear that they think that I am suddenly playing the role of "delicate little flower" just because I don't feel like doing them a favor.

The problem is that while we've been planning tonight's event for quite some time, an emergency arose in the past week which requires me to be up and out early every morning for the past few days and the next few as well. I've been taking naps in the afternoon, and eating extremely healthy, staying hydrated, etc, but for the past few nights, after just STAYING IN, I've been fading at eight p.m. I'm trying to conserve my energy even more today, and I'm hoping that I can calm down enough to take a longer nap this afternoon, but I can't guarantee our friends that the "Designated Driver" won't be having to head for home and bed earlier than they'd like.

So I feel like I'm either being "selfish" now, or will be a "party-pooper" later, and neither hat is one I'm used to having slapped on my head. A (probably rather irrational) part of me wants to bow out altogether and let DH drive these two while I stay home with my Netflix and hot cocoa, even though I've been looking forward to this event for months, and was so thrilled when my sicky-feeling started to subside, so that I could enjoy it even more.

Has anyone else experienced having to suddenly fess up to the truth of the matter at an inopportune moment, and has some tips or advice? Should I just stay home and let the non-gestators whoop it up as late as they want? I'm afraid I'm not thinking too clearly right now; I'd really appreciate an objective look-see.

ETA: Just want to mention that this is not a night of bar-hopping and clubbing that I'm horning in on. It's part of a several-times-yearly series of dinner parties that we all take turns hosting, and this particular evening has been in the works for longer than I've been pregnant.
« Last Edit: May 21, 2008, 04:31:40 PM by happy_baker »

Midnight Kitty

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Re: This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2008, 07:21:52 PM »
I'm afraid I can't help with any of the pregnancy related questions, but I can tell you that DH had no problem declining DD duties.  He quit drinking alcohol many years ago.  Shortly after that we planned to be in the area where we used to live around New Years.  His old drinking buddies were thrilled.  They assumed that he would be happy to drive them from bar to bar while they got plastered.  Then they could save the expense of cabs or a limo for the night.

He just said "no."  We didn't spend New Years' Eve with them.  He doesn't drink; Why would he want to drive from bar to bar?

In your case, do you still want to attend the dinner party?  If you get tired early, does your DH plan to leave early with you?  If so, it sounds to me like you have a plan.

As for your friends, would you have driven them if you weren't pregnant?  It sounded to me as if you would not want to drive at night in any event.  This has nothing to do with whether you are pregnant or sober.  You just don't feel comfortable driving at night.  Then you driving is off the table and that's not because you are pregnant or acting like a "delicate little flower."  It's because you don't drive at night.

You bring all these other issues into the equation:  They live near you; Your car is roomier; You've been getting up early in the morning.  Unless the original plan was for the 4 of you to carpool because they live near you and your car is roomier, I'm not sure why these issues are relevant.  If carpooling was the original plan, who was going to drive?  Again, unless the original plan was for you to drive, you aren't backing out of any previous commitment.  You are restating your position: I don't drive at night.

I recommend you attend the dinner party with your DH and that he drive.  Stay until you get tired, then excuse yourself (& your DH).  You don't have to say it's because you're pregnant or getting up early or anything.  Just say, "We're going to pack it in now.  Thank you so much for the lovely evening.  We had a wonderful time."
"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit.  The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are."

Marcus Aurelius

Bethalize

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Re: This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2008, 09:45:40 AM »
So I feel like I'm either being "selfish" now, or will be a "party-pooper" later, and neither hat is one I'm used to having slapped on my head. A (probably rather irrational) part of me wants to bow out altogether and let DH drive these two while I stay home with my Netflix and hot cocoa, even though I've been looking forward to this event for months, and was so thrilled when my sicky-feeling started to subside, so that I could enjoy it even more.

Don't be bullied into doing anything because people call you names. You are not being selfish (looking after yourself to the exclusion of all others), you are looking after your BABY. You know when they say "It's not a matter of life and death"? Well, having a baby IS a matter of life and it takes an awful lot for something to be more important than that.

I would be blunt with your friends, saying something like: "Look, I've not bothered you with how unwell I've been or how hard I'm finding this pregnancy, but you obviously need to know because I'm not going to do this."

lollergirl

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Re: This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2008, 11:40:30 AM »
they're jerks for trying to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.  go to the party, have fun & leave when you're ready. 


Shortcake

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Re: This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2008, 12:32:37 PM »
they're jerks for trying to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.  go to the party, have fun & leave when you're ready. 



ITA! friends ought to be able to accept the answer no!

I also think Midnight Kitty gave you good advice.
"Carry out a random act of kindness, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you."  Princess Diana

CG

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Re: This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2008, 02:51:43 PM »
Really? I didn't think you wanted to leave at 7:30pm when I'll be getting tired enough to want to go home...

*stuffs EvilCG back into her brain*

happy_baker

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Re: This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2008, 02:55:08 PM »
You all gave GREAT advice. Thanks to each of you! I went anyway, and discussed my feelings with DH re: "Surprise, I'm actually NOT feeling as hot as I've been leading y'all to believe", and he totally went to bat for me. I overheard him in a little group of the guys saying how easy I was making it look, and how I never complain, even to him, but I've been sick, and how happy HE was that I was feeling well enough to come out last night. Yay, DH!  ;D

We did end up leaving "early" (about 10!! That's so late for me!! :D) and someone who had not been privy to the carpool discussion turned to me and said something like, "So I guess YOU do the driving now, huh?" And I said that, no, DH still does the driving, and "Bill" jumped in with "And isn't THAT ironic??" kind of rolling his eyes, and DH stepped in AGAIN and said, "She's been holding out until this late, and now she's too tired to drive. We decided we'd rather be able to stay as late as possible than to leave when Happy_baker still has the energy to drive all that way. We'd have left a long time ago, if she were driving."

So it worked out, and following Midnight Kitty's advice was the best way to go! Thank you, everyone! (I'm also going to be more assertive in the future, and try to find that line between reality, ie: "Truthfully, I'm not feeling well", and complaining ie: "This is the worst thing EVER". You know?)

(And LOL at evil CG, who replied while I was typing this!! >:D)

MrsJWine

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Re: This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2008, 03:15:23 PM »
I know this is after the fact and too late for advice, but I think there's a huge difference between reasonable pregnancy woes and constant, ridiculous complaining.  Your friends should be able to see that.  With the hair-trigger rage I've been suppressing lately (I'm also about 5 months), Mr. Ironic may have walked away with a broken nose.  I jest!  But really, what a rude thing to say.


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Utah

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Re: This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2008, 03:50:31 PM »
he totally went to bat for me. I overheard him in a little group of the guys saying how easy I was making it look, and how I never complain, even to him, but I've been sick, and how happy HE was that I was feeling well enough to come out last night. Yay, DH!  ;D
Your DH sounds like a keeper  ;D  IMHO The best marriages are between best friends.  It's good to know there's someone in your corner, watching your back.  Someone with whom you can discuss your concerns and they say the things you really can't.  This kind of partnership, the sharing & caring with & for each other, will serve you well in the years to come, especially with children  :-*

So it worked out, and following Midnight Kitty's advice was the best way to go!
I'm glad it worked for you.  Offering advice to strangers is a hit & miss proposition.  Heck, sometimes I don't follow my own advice! ::)
"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit.  The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are."

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scarifier

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Re: This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« Reply #9 on: May 22, 2008, 06:05:15 PM »
OP, your DH is quite a guy! :D

happy_baker

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Re: This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« Reply #10 on: May 22, 2008, 06:34:55 PM »
I know this is after the fact and too late for advice, but I think there's a huge difference between reasonable pregnancy woes and constant, ridiculous complaining.  Your friends should be able to see that.  With the hair-trigger rage I've been suppressing lately (I'm also about 5 months), Mr. Ironic may have walked away with a broken nose.  I jest!  But really, what a rude thing to say.

 You're totally right: there IS a huge difference! My problem is that every time I catch myself saying *one* negative thing, I freak out and I'm all, "Omigosh, I totally sound like (person who I don't talk to anymore who complained all the time)!!" So really the problem stems from my own head being all paranoid about sounding complainy, overcorrecting by being Pollyanna, and then was compounded by my friends taking my lack of complaining to mean that there's nothing to complain about. Which is, generally, a safe assumption, so I think I kind of, a little bit, did this to myself, in a way...if that makes any sense at all!  ::)

I think I'm going to start referring to "Bill" as Mr. Ironic. It fits him in more ways than one!! (He's usually a really nice guy, BTW. Although I can't say I would have stopped you from breaking his nose right then... >:D)

Midnight Kitty and scarifier, you're right: DH is quite a guy!  :D It is nice to be married to my best friend!

TootsNYC

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Re: This is NOT as easy as it looks...
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2008, 12:03:15 AM »
Also late to the party, but i wanted to say this:

Pregnancy changes. Of course everyone's is different, but I know that I am not the only one who was nauseous in the beginning, then switched to feeling great but fading fast each day, to nauseous all over again.

I think w/ friends, it's good to tell them the reason, but if they won't believe it, all you can do is lather, rinse, repeat.

"I get tired too easily; I wouldn't feel safe driving you, even though I'll be sober. And I'll probably be leaving early, because of that tiredness, anyway."