Mom asks: Do people give money, in cards, at a funeral?

[rmk1]

My mother wants to know this one:

She want to a funeral the other week for a "cousin" of my grandmother (more like friend of the family). She said people were being "very protective" of the sympathy card envelopes, as if they may have had money inside or were valuable. She said it was behavior like people have around wedding card envelopes... She said they were carefully locking away all envelopes that people arrived with.

She was previously only aware of people getting Mass cards, which are then put on display.

She's curious about if people give money in cards for funerals. I mean, I suppose they could... the idea of plopping cash into a sympathy card doesn't really appeal to me... or is this cultural/regional? Or what?

[andi]

hmmm... i don't think i've ever put money into a sympathy card.

maybe they had asked for donations to a charity in liue of flowers and thought people might put cash in the cards for that??

[kareng57]

I believe it's done in some circles - the money is expected to help the family out with the funeral expenses.

It's true that it could also be for a charitable-donation, but I'd think that most people would donate to the charity directly; they'd get a tax-receipt that way.

[Just Lori]

I believe that this may be a cultural thing.  Certain circles do support each other with modest financial gifts when a loved one dies.  I think I remember reading a Dear Abby column where people claimed they had been doing it for years.  I guess it's one of those things where if it's a family custom, you know about it, and if it's not, don't worry.

[Ant V]

Yes.  Some specify that they would like their gift to be part of the memorial marker.  The stone marker on the grave lasts a bit longer than the flowers tossed there with no water.   Some might mistakenly think it's a charity donation but that's not always the case.  I personally like the idea of sharing in the cost of the marker, especially family members. 

[Leather Lady]

Some people do tuck checks or cash into the cards at the funeral home.  I didn't know that either until my kids' dad died.  If you do that, please use a check so you can be thanked properly.  I had a hard time figuring out where some of the money came from, and the right names and addresses to be able to send a thank you note. 

[duhrich]

This has been the case at every funeral I've been to in North Dakota. Not a lot of money - I've never put more than $10 and I've opened cards with as little as $1. It is certainly not required or even expected. The cards that meant the most were the ones with a sentiment or a story of the person that died. It's meant to help the family with any unexpected expenses or funeral expenses. Many times, cash flow can be a problem until life insurance or other benefits come through.

[Balletmom]

WOW! Learn something every day about regional or cultural difference.

Here, I would be astonished to open a card and find $$ inside.

Good to know these things.

[kudeebee]

It's what I do too.  Money in a card is used for memorials.  (I grew up in Iowa and live in Kansas now.)

[Peaches737]

We recently collected nearly $750 US at work for a collegue whose child died.  She has only modest family support, and barely covers her own expenses, so we wanted to support her as best we could.

[TootsNYC]

Technically, even GIVING money is not OK. In the official sympathy card is even worse. It's as if it puts a price on the person's life.

Offers of assistance are supposed to be physical (bring food, mow their lawn, etc.)

But I have heard so many instances of when people are unable to pay their rent bcs the wage earner has passed away, etc. So I won't go along w/ Miss Manners about the "no money" idea.

I would never put the money in the official sympathy card. I want that to ONLY be about my good will and our memories of the deceased.

I'd rather send it later with a note that says "I know expenses come up suddenly. I hope this gift will help during this transition."

Think about this: if the way you were going to help was to mow their lawn, or stop off and do laundry every Thursday for the next 3 weeks, would you mention that in the sympathy card? I wouldn't.

[Mrs. B]

Talk about live and learn.  This is the first time I have heard that people didn't do it.  Every one I have ever known does this.  We know that a sympathy card may contain money so the family opens the cards together after the repast  someone counts and sets the money aside, one person reads the name and address off of the envelope (if it is not on the envelope than another person checks the book) and another person logs it.  We all read the cards and have a wonderful time discussion the relationships.  After that, the family writes and addresses the thank you cards.  The money is to off set the cost of the funeral.  People also regularly come over with casseroles.  I live in Chicago so this is not a small town thing.

[ncgal]

of all the card that we received when my daddy died, only one had money in it and we knew the reason why.  it was from the best neighbors in the world...they would and will do almost anything for us and have.  When my daddy died, our neighbor actually did CPR, took care and cleaned up the house afterwards, putting things right that had to be moved around, throwing stuff away, etc.  After everything he did for us, what did i do, but forget to call him with the final arrangements.  Him and his wife would not have been able to come to the funeral, but still, he deserved to be told.  At the funeral home, we got a phone call from him. Somehow, he was able to track us down to the funeral home.  still do not know how he was able to do that.  the funeral was about to start in 15 minutes.  i felt and still feel so bad about that.

since they were not able to send flowers as they wanted to, after the funeral, one evening they had me and my mom over for dinner and as we were leaving, handed us a card.  It contained $50.00 that they wanted us to have since they were not able to send flowers.  Since all the expenses had already been paid and my mom did not need the money, she gave it to me.  I kept it for over a year in that card, as i wanted to spend it on something that would always make me think of my Daddy.  I ended up taking that money and money my sister gave me for my birthday and bought a matching rocker for the rocking chair my mom gave me for Christmas.  

There has been times, with no wind, that the chair will rock. It always makes me think that my daddy is in the rocking chair.

so while not an everyday occurrence, there are times that people give money.  Different reasons depending on the circumstances.  Nothing wrong with giving money, just no one should start expecting it when a love one leaves us.

[JoyinVirginia]

I grew up in rural eastern Virginia, and in the many small communities people still have a canister or - yes, this is for real - a small paper bag at the grocery store or in the post office, with a sign "for John Smith family". It is usually someone at the church who starts the collection and the money goes to help purchase a ham or other food for the meal that the church fixes after the service, with any leftover cash going to the family. I was surprised but very grateful when we were given a small amount of money after my dad died and after his service. We used it to buy postage for all the thank-you cards and sundry other items. Most people knew my folks were comfortable financially, and we had put in the obituary for people to donate to the local rescue squad or the museum where my parents volunteered. Nowadays people could use money to buy gas and help with transportation costs.

In many communities usually the church members fix a meal for the mourners after the service and serve it at the church. Our church last year held a service for a family who were not members, but the girl who died was good friends with many church members. The church fed all the mourners afterward also, I helped out in the kitchen for that service. People just volunteer to help, or drop off a covered dish.
Joy in Virginia

[lohrewok]

When my mother passed away we received many sympathy cards with cash/check inside.  (Kansas) This would be instead of flowers/plants or other expressions of support such as food.