enough of friends not chipping in!

[hannahmollysmom]

If they want to bring the motor home this year, just tell them you can't allow them to hook up to your utilities as you can't afford it. Most motor homes come with generators that run off of propane tanks attached to the home. See what happens then!

[Olivia]

Next time they call, why not just say, "We'd love to hang out this weekend, but, you always have to come to us, why don't we come to you this weekend?  I'm dying for a change of scenery, anyway.   What can we bring?"  And then lead by example and take some food and drinks to share, and leave the leftovers. 

[Roe]

"so what is up for this weekend?"   

"I don't know.  What do you have planned?"

[Roe]

And if they do ask to go on the boat, tell them you're using it less this summer due to the high cost of fuel, and it's empty right now. Only a clod would ignore that.

Perfect! 

[tacrat]

Thank you for the above replies... I probably should have explained more, yet didn't want to bore the issue even more!  Thank you to ladiedeathe for your "turn around the situation" suggestion.  I always turn around problems, tell my children to do that all the time, so this was also done in this situation with our said friends. As it happens, said friend calls us around Thursday or Fri morning, and asks, "so what is up for this weekend?"   We NEVER expect them to come "our way" and it's us who find ourselves having to say, "how about we'll come your way tonight..."  It's also hard to offer to host a full day with them, because we almost always do anyway.  THAT is the problem!  It would just be so nice to be invited their way, they have a pool, a beautiful sauna and hot tub outside!  We are hoping they would return the invitations, as it's not just with us, it's with all their friends.  We're looking for a polite way to ask for some sort of reimbursement knowing full well they CAN afford it, and to stop mooching off of us and their other friends all the time. 

What actually happens when you suggest going to their place?  You say you have suggested it but don't mention what they say in reply 

One tactic you could take is to get her alone for a heart to heart and be really sympathetic and say that you if she needs someone to talk to about their financial problems you are there for her.  If she says 'what on earth gave you that idea' you can say that you knew they would contribute like all your other friends do if they could afford it so you assumed there must be a reason that they never put their hands in their pockets. (in your own words of course).

My family's 'best friends' (over 30 years now), are also on the tight side.  Whenever the two families would go out to dinner, it was always my dad who got the check.  My mother once mentioned it to me when I was around 15 and from then on I saw how awfully regular it was.  I am still great friends with the 2nd generation, but their parents are complete tightwads.

[travelbug7]

Again, great suggestions, I have put a few together and already "tried" them, with great success.  When we suggest we go to their home, she will mostly say, OK, fine with me, but on many occasions she will say"  I have been in this house all day, I need to get out"  I usually will come back with the same comment, and we end up going to their home, of course bringing our own food, beverages, etc.  With gearing up for the July 4th wknd and bringing their motor home, I did mention that I would be so nice if everyone would help out with gas for the boat this year, and she agreed, and I am also going to mention that since we are providing the campground, would they mind picking up the steaks for our family for just one meal.... I think that'll work and give her a gentle hint... I'll let you all know!  Thank you all again,

[LadyofMaine]

I can't see why you would be friends with these people, based on what you've said. If you want to fib, say your insurance policy won't allow them to use your utilities.

[scap64]

If they want to bring the motor home this year, just tell them you can't allow them to hook up to your utilities as you can't afford it. Most motor homes come with generators that run off of propane tanks attached to the home. See what happens then!

When they do that, ask them to lend you $$ to pay your electricity bill.

[tacrat]

I usually will come back with the same comment, and we end up going to their home, of course bringing our own food, beverages, etc. 

Why do you take your own food & bevs if they don't bring when they come to you?  These are the perfect opportunities to sponge off them and believe me they will notice the extra expense.  If they ask you about it you have the perfect way to broach the subject and have a proper talk about sharing expenses.  If they don't, at least you can feel you're getting 'something' back.

[Olivia]

Any updates?  How was your Fourth? 

[vandalfan]

Can my husband have a clone? I work, he stays at home, and we once participated in outings with all our friends. No longer.

The last time, he agreed to meet the gang at the campground. He packed our old standby case of Cambell's chicken noodle soup. No can opener, no stove, no pots, no bowls. No other food at all, just a dozen tin cans. I suggested instead that he bring something to be cooked over a fire or on a camp stove, like hot dogs. He got mad because I tried to change his arrangements. Otherwise I'd have shopped and packed and showed up with proper meals. I assumed he was joking - taking a case of soup camping! The gang laughs- What a joker! Ha ha! Here's the steaks- gotcha!

I showed up after a long days' work, asking what have you got for our dinner? He gestured toward the cans of soup, saying that's what I brought, but well, I figure really we could just eat with Jim and Jane.....

I have no idea what he ate that night, but I got fast food on my way back home. Unfortunately, the gang never includes us in their plans to camp anymore. I don't wonder why.

[BittyB]

If you don't feel they are reciprocating, then you just stop inviting them.  I'm of the mind that if you host, you host.  If you don't want to host fully, then you need to make it clear in your invitation.  Such as, "We're doing a pot luck picnic this year, so we are providing or home and our pool, and if this party sounds like fun to you then please bring some kind of dish to share with the group." 

You need to be clear with what you are offering.  The other family bringing their own meat probably think that they are helping by feeding themselves.  I have seen many bbqs of that style where the host provides the location, beverages and condiments, and guests bring their own meat, and usually a side dish.  That's how our social circle did get togethers when money was tight for everyone, but all guests knew the rules.  It sounds like your group expectations are skewed and a little communication can go a long way.

Also, when they say "Well, we don't have to take boat rides" then DON'T.  Stop offering up things you don't want to offer or it'll never end.

[Redfinch]

Wondering how the summer went with the leeches?? I wouldn't call them friends either and I wouldn't offer them your place anymore.
It's unwise to ask them to buy steaks for your family too--they might resent that the leeches that they are.

[Scooter]

They're just plain CHEAP.  imho there's no "polite way" to ask them to start chipping in.  You never did before, and they'd probably be resentful.

They have what my DH calls "short arms."  Never treating, offering to defray some costs for your stuff, etc.  Of course they're "friends,"  for years, they've been using your stuff "for FREE."

I'd start to do fewer things with them.  Then if they ask, I'd pretty much tell them what you've said here.  Would consider them more freeloaders than friends.

I have to agree with this.  They sound like major cheap freeloaders.  Of course they will be "friends" with someone who will entertain them for "free".  A true friend would feel bad you didn't express your thoughts on money early and will make accommodating changes to make amends for the situation.  I think these people may get offended and "huffy" about it.  This is not how real friends treat their other friends, it is the way freeloaders use people.

[Master_Edward]

I don't know what you can do. At this point anyway. You should've said something about their behavior a long time ago. And now you're stuck with it. You've let them walk all over you and get away with their cheap behavior for years so I don't think they'll see ANY reason to stop it now. You either should've said something about the whole situation way before now, or ended the friendship. You could still end the friendship at this point. Because I think if you try to get them to change they're just going to get angry and they'll end the friendship because you've let them get away this for so long. I'd say you're better off without them. Because real friends don't act like that and they don't use other people that way.

Ed.