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Author Topic: 'Second wedding'  (Read 12925 times)

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snowball's chance

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'Second wedding'
« on: March 05, 2007, 11:31:38 AM »
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I guess you could classify this under tacky invitations. My brother and his wife were scheduled to get married this past January, however her father passed away in September and they had to, understandably, reschedule the wedding. Well, they were actually already married, having gone down to the courthouse in August, but they planned to have the big reception and ceremony later on, since most people invited to the wedding are unaware that they are, in fact, already married. Anyway, the invitations they had ordered previously for the reception included the names of both sets of parents, even though they're planning and paying for the wedding themselves, and even though they're already married.

Anyway, soon after my sister in law's father passes away, her mother insists that since her brother is now going to be walking her down the aisle, they should remove her father's name from the invitation, and replace it with her brother's name. Apparently her mother threw a crying hissy fit while they were in the stationary store and made a huge scene about it, insisting they put her brother's name on the invitation since he would be "giving" her away. (Again, they're already married!) I told my brother that I thought they could word the invitation like, Mrs. So and So and the late Mr. So and So, since I thought it was an insult to her father's memory to be removed from the invitation, and that it would be a way to honor him. I know they had many discussions about this and my brother was adamant that her brother not be on the invitation, especially since they are planning and paying for their wedding themselves. Well, I guess my brother lost the argument because we got the invitation yesterday and the brother's name is on the invitation, (the father is not), along with her mother's name and my parents. How tacky! 

Invitations0119-06

Sorry but dead people can neither host a wedding nor issue an invitation.  You cannot write, "Mrs. Smith and the late Mr. Smith cordially invite you to the marriage of their daughter...."

If the brother of the bride is not the host extending the invitation, he doesn't belong on the invitation either. 
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I have to admit, I'm disappointed in Ms. Jeanne for not pointing out it's rude to throw a wedding w/o telling people you are technically married.  Am I the only person who thinks this is totally unacceptable?  I'm not speaking about people who do a destination wedding, and then throw a reception for guests who couldn't go, I'm talking about folks who elope for whatever reason, and then throw the big White Weddingceremony and reception, w/o telling guests they are technically already married.

edited for omitted word
« Last Edit: March 05, 2007, 11:33:42 AM by mm250 »

TheDisappeared

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2007, 11:37:38 AM »
Yeah, I really think she called them on the wrong thing on this one.

pryncsskittyn

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2007, 04:13:29 PM »
I don't know if she called them on the "wrong thing".  I think she assumed that readers would get the point of the story. That getting married to the same person twice is wrong.  She just added her 2 cents to point out that the dead can not host a party and therefore shouldn't be on the invitation.  I think Ms. Jeanne assumes that readers will see the faux pas of of them being "already married" since the author brings it up every 2 sentences.

Amy Rose

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2007, 04:21:37 PM »
Isn't that what most people do? Sign the license before the actual religious ceremony, or have the marriage license validated and then the religious ceremony (assuming that they are religious)? (I'm asking as an honest question)

pryncsskittyn

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2007, 05:06:40 PM »
No AmyRose.  The lisence is given from the Town Office, then signed by the officiant and the 2 witnesses (usually the MOH and Best Man) directly after the ceremony.  The officiant will then submit it, and a marriage lisence will be issued from the state.  At least that's how it's typically done in the states.

Amy Rose

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2007, 05:13:29 PM »
No AmyRose.  The lisence is given from the Town Office, then signed by the officiant and the 2 witnesses (usually the MOH and Best Man) directly after the ceremony.  The officiant will then submit it, and a marriage lisence will be issued from the state.  At least that's how it's typically done in the states.

Thanks. I always thought it was done beforehand.

pryncsskittyn

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2007, 05:24:13 PM »
It gets confusing because you do have to obtain a "marriage lisence" beforehand, but it's not official until it is signed and submitted, and that happens after the ceremony.  Each state has different laws.  Some states require a waiting period before they'll give it to you (meaning you have to apply for it a couple months in advance of your wedding), other states will give it to you that day, and still others, like mine, will only give it to you after you fill out the application questionairre and submit your "intentions".  I have to submit my intentions no earlier than 30 days before the wedding, and the lisence will be given out the friday before my ceremony.  It's a pretty complicated process.

Amy Rose

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2007, 05:41:28 PM »
I think in OH, you just need to take blood tests and get the officient's signature along w/two witnesses within 30 days of asking for the license, and then usually the officient submits it to public record.. And I figured that it got signed beforehand because most of the weddings I've been to (in OH, WV, and IL), this was all done before the ceremony, and the couple was legally married for a few days before the ceremony.

StuckInCube

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2007, 05:56:00 PM »
I think in OH, you just need to take blood tests and get the officient's signature along w/two witnesses within 30 days of asking for the license, and then usually the officient submits it to public record.. And I figured that it got signed beforehand because most of the weddings I've been to (in OH, WV, and IL), this was all done before the ceremony, and the couple was legally married for a few days before the ceremony.

Actually, I believe blood tests are no longer required in OH and you have 60 days to file. I did some checking since I was curious about whether or not blood tests were still required, as I remember my parents talking about getting them. Oh yeah, and in case you're wondering, you're not allowed to marry your cousin either. ;)

Amy Rose

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2007, 06:08:19 PM »
I think in OH, you just need to take blood tests and get the officient's signature along w/two witnesses within 30 days of asking for the license, and then usually the officient submits it to public record.. And I figured that it got signed beforehand because most of the weddings I've been to (in OH, WV, and IL), this was all done before the ceremony, and the couple was legally married for a few days before the ceremony.

Actually, I believe blood tests are no longer required in OH and you have 60 days to file. I did some checking since I was curious about whether or not blood tests were still required, as I remember my parents talking about getting them. Oh yeah, and in case you're wondering, you're not allowed to marry your cousin either. ;)

I took a business law class last year, and I seem to remember that OH required blood tests. I'll look it up though, because the textbook might have been out of date. :)

Lisbeth

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2007, 06:19:21 PM »
I think the fact that Ehelldame didn't choose to address the correctness of the second wedding doesn't mean that she doesn't think it was inappropriate.  She's made many statements to the effect that it is very inappropriate to have a second wedding for social purposes following a secret wedding held for legal, insurance, or other such purposes.

She merely chose to address the issue of a deceased person's name and the name of a non-host being listed on an invitation.
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snowball's chance

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2007, 08:45:15 AM »
the couple was legally married for a few days before the ceremony.

even if this is the case in some states, it is not what I am referring to.  It's when a couple marries in 'secret', because of financial reasons or because of deployment, and then decide later they want the big ceremony months later, as Keenreader pointed much more eloquently. 

Don't get me wrong, if a couple decides to marry hastily for financial reasons or because one of them is being deployed, I understand that sometimes wierd circumstances come up, that is totally their own business.  For example, a good friend of mine married her husband with about two months notice, because his visa was expiring.  (They were planning to marry at some point anyway.)  Their budget was very small, b/c they did not have lots of time to plan, so they had a very small ceremony with less than 20 people, and then everyone went out to dinner afterward.  But they knew they were the ones who chose to move up the date, so they didn't have the time or budget to have the huge wedding with the dream dress and more guests who bring gifts, so they didn't get another crack at a second wedding when they have more money and time.

Coruscation

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #12 on: March 07, 2007, 07:52:47 AM »
Actually I'm still stuck on why they had to move the ceremony.

My brother and his wife were scheduled to get married this past January, however her father passed away in September and they had to, understandably, reschedule the wedding.

Because four months is too soon after your fathers death to get married? That's a new one.

LissaR1

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #13 on: March 07, 2007, 10:37:34 AM »
Quote
Because four months is too soon after your fathers death to get married? That's a new one.

Depending on the relationship between father and child?  Yeah, it may be too soon.  If they were close, the grief might still be raw enough that it might (at times) overwhelm the person that lost the parent.  I might have opted to wait a year if I'd been them.  It's a personal decision, and I'm not going to condemn anyone for either postponing a wedding for such a reason, or for carrying on with the plans.  Everyone deals with grief and loss differently.

However, I wouldn't have had a second wedding ;)  I either would go for a more subdued ceremony and party, or simply wait until I felt ready to have that kind of wedding.  (My fiance would have a say in this matter, too.) 

Grlniteowl

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Re: 'Second wedding'
« Reply #14 on: March 09, 2007, 08:07:25 AM »
Just coming out of lurkdom to give my 2 cents...unless it's up to the individual counties in OH, it is not necessary to get blood tests anymore.

I was married in 2004 & my best friend was married in 1998 and neither of us had to have blood tests. We just had to say that we didn't have the diseases they used to check for.

As far as time passing between the death & wedding...I think it would depend on the relationship too, some people take much longer to grieve than others.