Author Topic: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question  (Read 5806 times)

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RUstudent

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Hello.  :) I'm currently a Rutgers University student (in New Jersey, USA), originally from New York. I'm a 21 y/o female, and I will copy and paste my problem so I don't have to re-type everything, lol.

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So, currently I'm in a double dorm (meant for two people). On paper, I have this room to myself.  However, a friend of mine needed a place to stay for the first session (which ends in the beginning of July) because she's taking classes and commuting would've been ridiculous. So I let her stay, even though I'm the type of person that likes and needs her space. I didn't want to be mean, since the only reason I didn't want her to stay is that I didn't want a roommate, which isn't that good of a reason since she's supposed to be my friend, right?

So we're currently in the 3rd week, but God knows I can't wait until July, when I can hopefully have this room to myself (I say "hopefully" because since I technically have a vacancy, housing CAN give me a roommate if they so choose). However, my friend is now currently talking about getting a job here after her classes are over, and presumed that, if housing didn't give me a roommate, I'd let her stay.  ??? :-\ However, I really need my space, and am already letting her stay for 5-6 weeks (the length of the first session). So I've decided to break the news to her (and be honest, that I need my space) this week. We have another friend who also has a vacancy, but my friend knows that that friend needs her space and as such my friend won't be staying there, so hopefully she'll understand the whole needing space thing, especially since I technically didn't have to say she could stay here in the first place. For those like me that need their space, you know this is a bit of a sacrifice for me.

The only thing is, I'm not really sure how to go about it. I mean it'd be kind of O.o to just randomly bring it up, but of course, I want to let her know far enough in advance so that, if she needs to, she can find somewhere else to stay.

So how do you think I should bring it up without seeming mad random?
???

ladiedeathe

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2008, 11:51:37 PM »
"Hey friend, I was glancing through the paper/Craigslist/online classifieds/whatever works and seems logical today and I thought about you- do you want me to start keeping an eye out for places for you to rent for real next session, or have you already found someplace?"

or

"Hey friend, just wanted to remind you- session ends XXX date. I may get assigned a roomate anytime after XXX date, so please let me know by XXX date when you are moving so I can have time to make sure the space is cleaned up."

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penguinpants

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2008, 02:22:09 AM »
Dorms generally require that all occupants be officially listed and paying for living in the halls.  Each university has a risk management department, and part of their job is to ensure that everybody in classes, at lectures, in the dorms, actually should be there.  So many problems arise when unregistered guests remain in the dorms; thefts, assaults, arson and vandalism and more have been caused by unregistered guests.  This is why most dorms have restrictions on the length of time that guests may stay consecutively in the halls.

I'd simply say, "Friend, I hadn't thought about this before -- of course, you're not the type to do these things, but my having you here is inconsiderate of fellow dorm-livers, and it's also seriously against the rules.  I can't risk losing my housing spot, and I need to ask you to leave."  And that's not random, exaggerating, or whatever -- it's the truth.  Unless you can afford to be booted out and immediately on the market for a new place?

I'd try to get her out within a few days -- I imagine that that will make you vastly uncomfortable.  So a compromise would be the day after the summer session ends, no argument.
Surprises are foolish things. The pleasure is not enhanced, and the inconvenience is often considerable. -- Jane Austen

RUstudent

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2008, 12:47:26 PM »
Dorms generally require that all occupants be officially listed and paying for living in the halls.  Each university has a risk management department, and part of their job is to ensure that everybody in classes, at lectures, in the dorms, actually should be there.  So many problems arise when unregistered guests remain in the dorms; thefts, assaults, arson and vandalism and more have been caused by unregistered guests.  This is why most dorms have restrictions on the length of time that guests may stay consecutively in the halls.


Yes that is true for my school too. The length of time we're allowed to have overnight guests is no more than three days. I can assure you no one is actually checking--if I thought they would and that there was a great chance we could get caught she wouldn't be here. As you say, I CANNOT afford to lose my housing since 1) I'm an out of state student and 2) this late in the summer session I would not be getting a refund--that's wasted money that I can't afford, since I took out loans. But yeah, I'll be talking to her either today when she comes back (she went home last night) or tomorrow.

Still, more replies are welcome. :)

Adoptstrays

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2008, 01:47:19 PM »
I don't have any advice but just wanted to say Welcome to E-Hell.  :)  You'll love it here.

Good luck with your problem and I'm sure more will chime in.

Lisbeth

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2008, 01:49:44 PM »
Welcome to the Ehell forum!

I'd tell your friend that you're not going to be able to accommodate her after X date-the school won't permit non-residents to stay longer than that amount of time.
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lovinAZ

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2008, 02:22:39 PM »
Dorms generally require that all occupants be officially listed and paying for living in the halls.  Each university has a risk management department, and part of their job is to ensure that everybody in classes, at lectures, in the dorms, actually should be there.  So many problems arise when unregistered guests remain in the dorms; thefts, assaults, arson and vandalism and more have been caused by unregistered guests.  This is why most dorms have restrictions on the length of time that guests may stay consecutively in the halls.


Yes that is true for my school too. The length of time we're allowed to have overnight guests is no more than three days. I can assure you no one is actually checking--if I thought they would and that there was a great chance we could get caught she wouldn't be here. As you say, I CANNOT afford to lose my housing since 1) I'm an out of state student and 2) this late in the summer session I would not be getting a refund--that's wasted money that I can't afford, since I took out loans. But yeah, I'll be talking to her either today when she comes back (she went home last night) or tomorrow.

Still, more replies are welcome. :)

I don't know this friend at all, of course, but I'd recommend to be careful in how you talk to her.  Wouldn't it be perfect if you got kicked out of the dorm? Then you could get an apartment together!

Moochers have been known to have skewed trains of thought...

RUstudent

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2008, 02:38:14 PM »
Welcome to the Ehell forum!

I'd tell your friend that you're not going to be able to accommodate her after X date-the school won't permit non-residents to stay longer than that amount of time.

Thanks!!  :)

And actually, as far as University rules are concerned, we aren't supposed to have guests more than 3 days, so I'm way past the allowed amount of time, lol.

RUstudent

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2008, 02:40:39 PM »
I don't know this friend at all, of course, but I'd recommend to be careful in how you talk to her.  Wouldn't it be perfect if you got kicked out of the dorm? Then you could get an apartment together!

Moochers have been known to have skewed trains of thought...

LOL! Well I would HOPE that she wouldn't think like that, considering my main issue is that I need my space, so moving in with ANYONE, here or elsewhere, is out of the question, lol (unless of course, housing gives me a roommate).

SusanBeth

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #9 on: June 16, 2008, 05:12:12 AM »
It doesn't solve your immediate problem, but you might look into getting a single room. They do cost a bit more. but my DD swears it saved her sanity. It's the only way to ensure you have space. The university can put anyone in that room at any time. (What would your friend do then?) Also, your friend can request to be in that room and you wouldn't really have any right to fuss. You can't claim space that you aren't paying for or entitled to have.

Since she isn't paying for the room, you are helping her defraud the school. They are not getting their rent and more utilities are being used. They are entitled to be paid for their services and you are only paying for half the room. I would be very uncomfortable with that.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2008, 05:17:19 AM by SusanBeth »

RUstudent

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #10 on: June 16, 2008, 01:16:35 PM »
It doesn't solve your immediate problem, but you might look into getting a single room. They do cost a bit more. but my DD swears it saved her sanity. It's the only way to ensure you have space. The university can put anyone in that room at any time. (What would your friend do then?) Also, your friend can request to be in that room and you wouldn't really have any right to fuss. You can't claim space that you aren't paying for or entitled to have.

Since she isn't paying for the room, you are helping her defraud the school. They are not getting their rent and more utilities are being used. They are entitled to be paid for their services and you are only paying for half the room. I would be very uncomfortable with that.

Single rooms are not offered during the summer session, only during the normal school year (Fall/Spring). I have a single for this coming school year (and I had one this past school year). I would've opted for one for the summer if they were available. However, even during the school year, getting a single is not guaranteed--you can apply for one, but that doesn't mean you'll get one. My school does lotteries--I've just gotten lucky two years in a row. :) The year before I was on the waiting list.  :P

The whole money thing doesn't bother me. I hate bureacracy and all the bullshyt and the fact that our education is treated like a business.  :P I just need some space that's all. *shrugs*
« Last Edit: June 16, 2008, 01:19:40 PM by RUstudent »

SusanBeth

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #11 on: June 16, 2008, 02:26:39 PM »
It doesn't solve your immediate problem, but you might look into getting a single room. They do cost a bit more. but my DD swears it saved her sanity. It's the only way to ensure you have space. The university can put anyone in that room at any time. (What would your friend do then?) Also, your friend can request to be in that room and you wouldn't really have any right to fuss. You can't claim space that you aren't paying for or entitled to have.

Since she isn't paying for the room, you are helping her defraud the school. They are not getting their rent and more utilities are being used. They are entitled to be paid for their services and you are only paying for half the room. I would be very uncomfortable with that.

Single rooms are not offered during the summer session, only during the normal school year (Fall/Spring). I have a single for this coming school year (and I had one this past school year). I would've opted for one for the summer if they were available. However, even during the school year, getting a single is not guaranteed--you can apply for one, but that doesn't mean you'll get one. My school does lotteries--I've just gotten lucky two years in a row. :) The year before I was on the waiting list.  :P

The whole money thing doesn't bother me. I hate bureacracy and all the bullshyt and the fact that our education is treated like a business.  :P I just need some space that's all. *shrugs*

Does stealing bother you? Taking services without paying for them is stealing. Fraud is a crime.

It would be a lousy, if not stb defunct, school that didn't run like a business. Schools have costs. In order to meet their costs they must charge people money. When people steal services, run up utility costs, commit acts of vandalism... the school passes on the costs to the students. Everyone else, including yourself, are paying for it. Just look at your last dorm bill and ask yourself why you are being charged so much for a bed, desk, and closet.
"Somebody always pays" is true both in school and the real world.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2008, 02:33:43 PM by SusanBeth »

RUstudent

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #12 on: June 16, 2008, 11:21:17 PM »
Does stealing bother you? Taking services without paying for them is stealing. Fraud is a crime.

Not in all cases, no. My friend needed a space--she had a plan to stay with a friend and that fell through. I had some space so she wouldn't have to commute 3 hours between her home and school. In this case, I'd rather be "stealing" than to leave my friend out in the dark.  :P That said, that's getting off-topic; this is a topic for some place else on these forums. With all my good intentions, I would still like some space to myself, and to an extent, I need it. I offered this space to her with an expectation that after a certain time I'd have the place to myself again, and she assumed I'd let her stay longer without discussing it with me in private.

It would be a lousy, if not stb defunct, school that didn't run like a business.


Well my views are formed by my beliefs that the system needs to change, and that it SHOULDN'T work like that. But again, these are topics for another thread. If you'd like, you could create one somewhere. I'm new, so I'm not sure where it would go. *shrugs*

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #13 on: June 17, 2008, 12:48:44 AM »
As hard as it probably will be, I think you're just going to have to tell her.  Maybe something like, "Friend, I've enjoyed being able to help you out these many weeks, but the term is coming to an end, and I want to make sure you've made arrangements for when you have to leave."

Then, when the inevitable happens and she says she assumed she'd be able to continue staying with you, you'll have to gently -- but firmly -- remind her that your original agreement had an ending date, and you have been operating under that assumption.  AND you don't want to change the agreement now, because you're finding that you're the type of person who really needs a little alone time and you think it will be good for you to live alone for a while.

Just stand your ground, but be prepared for her to be upset.  Afterall, she's been getting a pretty sweet deal all this time, and it's about to end.

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Re: New To EH--Online Friend Introduced Me B/C I Have A Question
« Reply #14 on: June 20, 2008, 03:35:51 PM »
RUStudent, while you may believe that business is an evil word, and everyone should be sharing everything they have to everybody else - I must point out that if you had stuck by the University's policies, you would not have the problem you do now.

At any rate, I would, as soon as your friend mentions getting a job again, say that this is a good thing, since she will then be able to afford the rent she will need to pay when (here you assume a tone of voice that it's obvious) she moves on from your room.
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