"What an interesting observation" backfires

[Double Helix]

A small group of friends email each other, often several times a day.  We all have a common interest, although we do have more things than that in common.  The reason we all email one another constantly  is that we are all on a journey to better health and we can support one another this way.   

All of the friends are wonderful people.   One of the friends, although still wonderful, tends to make comments that come across a different way than maybe (or maybe not) she intends.    It is hard to explain, except that if someone says they accomplished some kind of goal and everyone is congratulatory, this one friend makes a comment that tends to "take the wind out of ones sails".   It seems like a compliment veiled with a put down.    Although it may seem subtle to an outsider, since we have all been communicating for years, it's fairly easy for one of us to detect.

So the last time a comment such as this was made, I wrote back "what an interesting observation".   I've never written anything like this before, but I was starting to get tired of her comments/remarks.

She inquired why I would write that and I tried my best to explain without putting her down - I just mentioned that I don't like to focus on the negative stuff - and in response she exclaimed that she has to watch everything she says (writes), she can't say (write) this or that without someone getting all over her, she's not going to be communicating with us for a while, yada yada yada.   I felt bad for writing what I did, but one of the other friends emailed me and wrote "she will never get it".

So, I guess sometimes people really don't get it.   They may never get it.   

Sometimes I guess you just have to try and lead by example...or let people be "themselves" no matter how prickly they can be, either put up with them if you like them enough, or say goodbye.

P.S.  I did try and smooth things out and she seems okay now and said she overracted.   I guess I'll be walking on eggshells for a while too.

[sammycat]

Sounds like she DOES know what she is saying when she makes these little 'subtle' remarks and didn't like being called out on it.

[Emmy]

Sounds like she DOES know what she is saying when she makes these little 'subtle' remarks and didn't like being called out on it.

That was my feeling to when I read this.  Most likely she is purposely making negative remarks and keeping them subtle so people won't think she's purposely being rude.  I think she got very offended and over-reacted because she was upset that somebody finally called her out on her behavior.

[Double Helix]

I don't know, I can't really figure her out.   She seems to have a problem with communicating and has even stated she doesn't like being social.   I've never actually spoken to her, just communicated over the internet, but I've known her for several years.   She does seem to thrive on negativity, though.

[Dragons 8 Cactus]

Depending on how she grew up and her childhood enviroment, it may have ben unconciious commenting on her part.

But, now that you have commented, she may have anilised her comments and doesn't like what she found.

[It's the old comment [i']Oh NO, I've become my Mother'[/i]  type of thing.]

[Double Helix]

That could well be.   

Her last comment to someone was "you did great on your eating even though you were around your family who eats junk all the time"  (I'm paraphrasing).    That was the one that I responded to.

It seems like when she pats someone on the back she never stops with the pat.    To some this may not seem annoying but after a while it is apparant that she tries to find something extra to throw in there that is not so nice.    I know what she meant was that the girl did great even with all the temptation around her, but she ended up putting down her family's eating instead.

I'm going to just have to ignore that stuff and chalk it up to her quirkiness.   She's a nice person for the most part.

[rashea]

If it stops with this then I would give her the benefit of the doubt. If she keeps doing it, then she is aware of what she is doing and is doing it on purpose.

[Hanna]

I think it failed because you used a passive remark in a situation that called for a direct one.

"You know, I thought I should tell you that your response to hearing that Bertha won a Nobel Prize must have come out the wrong way, because it really didn't sound very nice.  It almost seemed like you were slighting her, but I know you would never do such a thing.  I am sure you share in our amazement at her accomplishment and wish her only the best."

Passive aggressive people know exactly how to handle passive remarks, which she did with ease.  The direct comments baffle them and the eventually find someone else to pick on.