Author Topic: I used it on my daughter  (Read 4036 times)

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hjaye

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I used it on my daughter
« on: June 16, 2008, 12:18:01 PM »
So I get a text message from my daughter wanting to know if my grandson (her son who lives with his dad) is out for summer vacation.  I text her back and let her know he is out for the summer.

She replies that she wants to come down and spend a week with him at my house.  To her credit, she did say she would buy groceries for the week.

I text her back and tell her "Sorry, but I'm afraid that won't be possible"  She sends me a message back wanting to know why.  So I tell her:

"It's like having two kids at the house instead of an adult and a child.  You don't pick up after yourself, you don't make your son pick up after himself.  You ignore me when I ask you not to bring food upstairs to his room, or bring food into the living room."

That's not actually everything, but I figured it was enough.

Her reply was "Fine I'll just get us (her and my grandson) a bada$$ hotel room for a week"

I'm not sure how she'll swing that since any bada$$ hotel that I know of requires a credit card to be able to check in.

I didn't reply, I'm really not interested in having an argument with her, but I think it's pretty ridiculous to be willing to spend a lot of money on a hotel room, when she would be welcome at my house for more than just a day or two, if she would just respect me and my house.

SusanBeth

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Re: I used it on my daughter
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2008, 02:41:12 PM »
Did she use the $$? Regardless, it sounds like the start of a guilt strategy. You were meant to say, "All right, I can't stand for you to have to waste the money." Stand your ground, you aren't exactly asking for the moon here!

hjaye

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Re: I used it on my daughter
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2008, 03:16:17 PM »
No I used the $$ to make sure it made it past any filters.

It is really too bad she is not more responsible.  My grandson's dad (he is technically still my son in law since he and my daughter never got divorced) is going through a bad break up with his girlfriend.  He has lost his job, doesn't have any place to live so my grandson is being bounced around a bit.  Thankfully his dad is retired due to a disability but he can watch him during the day.  I let his stay with me at night when I can, but sometimes I get home pretty late. 

If my daughter were to show me should can be mature and responsible I'd let her stay with me along with my grandson.  I've got plenty of room in my house, but I just can't be taking care of two children.  Even if one of the kids is twenty five years old.

asta

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Re: I used it on my daughter
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2008, 09:32:49 AM »
You did good.   Now she's having a sniviling fit because she won't get free lodging and maid service.  She's playing the "grandma" guilt-trip card.  You told her exactly why she wasn't welcome.  Her logical response should have been that she'll pick up after herself, etc. 


hjaye

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Re: I used it on my daughter
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2008, 09:53:00 AM »
Actually she is playing the "grandpa" guilt trip, but you're right.

It really is too bad.  I have tried to help her a lot in the past, cosigned for a car, let her live in my house with grandson, paid for college.  It didn't help.  She is selfish, immature and irresponsible, and ungrateful.  I realized trying to help her only made things worse so I've pretty much cut her off.  The only reason I'm willing to pick her up and let her spend a day at my house with my grandson is for his sake.  He misses his mom and I'm not going to bad mouth her to him.  I'll see to it he gets to spend some time with her so he knows she loves him and misses him (which she does).  He'll be able to figure out the rest as he gets older.

She is willing to shell out however many hundreds of dollars it will cost to stay in a hotel, yet she still has outstanding warrants from traffic tickets and she has done nothing to take care of them

hannahmollysmom

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Re: I used it on my daughter
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2008, 02:33:21 AM »
Continue to stick to your ground. The old saying comes into place here "give 'em an inch, and they'll take a mile". She'll come around when she realizes you aren't falling into her guilt trap. And good for you, for trying to give your grandson some sort of stable life. Sounds like he has had it pretty rough.

Dragons 8 Cactus

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Re: I used it on my daughter
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2008, 05:25:02 AM »
standing your ground and using 'tough Love' is probably the only way she will ever learn.

 Your grandson will understand when he is older why it is the way it is.

Good onya and good luck  8)

                          The Southern Cross Flag. Australia

asta

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Re: I used it on my daughter
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2008, 09:45:06 AM »
Hjaye, is it possible she has a drug/alcohol problem?  (Many times it's not apparant, other than wierd behaviour.)

Flags went up because she's had more than enuf assistance from her parents.  College, whew, I had to put myself thru and live on my own, my folks never gave me a red cent, nor did I expect it. She's 25 for pete's sake.  Your plan for letting her stay only the day so she can see her son is nice and must break your heart.

DD will probably wheedle all she can once she's inside your house and want to stay longer, that's when you say "no."

Asha

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Re: I used it on my daughter
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2008, 12:04:39 PM »
Just piping up to say you're doing well!  I can imagine that it isn't easy, but I think you're doing the right thing.

hjaye

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Re: I used it on my daughter
« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2008, 01:18:26 PM »
Hjaye, is it possible she has a drug/alcohol problem?  (Many times it's not apparant, other than wierd behaviour.)

Flags went up because she's had more than enuf assistance from her parents.  College, whew, I had to put myself thru and live on my own, my folks never gave me a red cent, nor did I expect it. She's 25 for pete's sake.  Your plan for letting her stay only the day so she can see her son is nice and must break your heart.

DD will probably wheedle all she can once she's inside your house and want to stay longer, that's when you say "no."

She has definitely had drug problems in the past (meth) I don't think she is doing it at the moment mainly because I see she is gaining weight.  I will say she is pretty open with me about most things, I've learned it doesn't do any good to get angry and yell.  I did that when the kids were growing up, it was counterproductive and did not do any good when trying to deal with her as a teenager.  That's not to say I don't get angry with some of the things she does, I've just learned to control it better.  She has commented that I'm a lot more mellow now than when she was younger and it has made for better communications.

I've always told her that if I believe she is doing positive things with her life and trying to better herself, I will do whatever I can to help her, I've also told her if she screws up, she's on her own.  She has however reached the point where she is going to have to dig herself out if she ever wants any significant help from me again.  That also means me redoing my will so that any estate I leave (which at the moment isn't a whole lot) will go towards helping my grandson when he gets older and not one dime will go towards her or my son.