Etiquette School is in session! > "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

I used it on my daughter

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hjaye:
So I get a text message from my daughter wanting to know if my grandson (her son who lives with his dad) is out for summer vacation.  I text her back and let her know he is out for the summer.

She replies that she wants to come down and spend a week with him at my house.  To her credit, she did say she would buy groceries for the week.

I text her back and tell her "Sorry, but I'm afraid that won't be possible"  She sends me a message back wanting to know why.  So I tell her:

"It's like having two kids at the house instead of an adult and a child.  You don't pick up after yourself, you don't make your son pick up after himself.  You ignore me when I ask you not to bring food upstairs to his room, or bring food into the living room."

That's not actually everything, but I figured it was enough.

Her reply was "Fine I'll just get us (her and my grandson) a bada$$ hotel room for a week"

I'm not sure how she'll swing that since any bada$$ hotel that I know of requires a credit card to be able to check in.

I didn't reply, I'm really not interested in having an argument with her, but I think it's pretty ridiculous to be willing to spend a lot of money on a hotel room, when she would be welcome at my house for more than just a day or two, if she would just respect me and my house.

SusanBeth:
Did she use the $$? Regardless, it sounds like the start of a guilt strategy. You were meant to say, "All right, I can't stand for you to have to waste the money." Stand your ground, you aren't exactly asking for the moon here!

hjaye:
No I used the $$ to make sure it made it past any filters.

It is really too bad she is not more responsible.  My grandson's dad (he is technically still my son in law since he and my daughter never got divorced) is going through a bad break up with his girlfriend.  He has lost his job, doesn't have any place to live so my grandson is being bounced around a bit.  Thankfully his dad is retired due to a disability but he can watch him during the day.  I let his stay with me at night when I can, but sometimes I get home pretty late. 

If my daughter were to show me should can be mature and responsible I'd let her stay with me along with my grandson.  I've got plenty of room in my house, but I just can't be taking care of two children.  Even if one of the kids is twenty five years old.

asta:
You did good.   Now she's having a sniviling fit because she won't get free lodging and maid service.  She's playing the "grandma" guilt-trip card.  You told her exactly why she wasn't welcome.  Her logical response should have been that she'll pick up after herself, etc. 

hjaye:
Actually she is playing the "grandpa" guilt trip, but you're right.

It really is too bad.  I have tried to help her a lot in the past, cosigned for a car, let her live in my house with grandson, paid for college.  It didn't help.  She is selfish, immature and irresponsible, and ungrateful.  I realized trying to help her only made things worse so I've pretty much cut her off.  The only reason I'm willing to pick her up and let her spend a day at my house with my grandson is for his sake.  He misses his mom and I'm not going to bad mouth her to him.  I'll see to it he gets to spend some time with her so he knows she loves him and misses him (which she does).  He'll be able to figure out the rest as he gets older.

She is willing to shell out however many hundreds of dollars it will cost to stay in a hotel, yet she still has outstanding warrants from traffic tickets and she has done nothing to take care of them

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