Staying on topic

[snowball's chance]

I've seen in a couple of threads lately, not just with newer members, that people are replying to threads suggesting the OP not/do something that the OP didn't ask for an opinion or advice on.

Example OP:

I'm getting married in September and am changing my last name to DF's.  However, I will be receiving my degree in Basket Weaving before then, and want DF's last name on my diploma.  Should I try to change my name early, or ask them to give me another diploma after the wedding?

IMHO, it would be rude to reply to this thread & tell the OP not to change her name because of X, Y, & Z.  She's obviously decided to do that after giving it careful consideration, and if you (going along with the example) personally have strong feelings that no woman should change her name when she gets married, I think it would be a better idea to PM the OP & give your opinion, instead of posting in the thread, thereby hijacking the thread so no one is discussing the ACTUAL issue of alerting the school of the name change.

[demarco]

I agree with you.  We should all strive to respond to the question that has been asked.  I am sure I've been guilty of fostering thread drift myself  and I know it is easy to fall into that when a post touches on a subject you feel strongly about but I think it is discourteous to the OP.   

[MDefarge]

I think it would be a better idea to PM the OP & give your opinion, instead of posting in the thread, thereby hijacking the thread so no one is discussing the ACTUAL issue of alerting the school of the name change.

Actually I think that would be very rude as well, the (hypothetical) OP didn't ask your (general, hypothetical) opinion about that at all, and it's not up to "you" to give your opinion on a subject she didn't ask about at all, if that makes any sense?

IE in the thread about the wife asking if she should come home from the gym early because her DH was having a friend over - posters got WAY off topic (yes I was guilty of this too) in regards to something the OP never brought up or even had a question about. "Advice" was given that hadn't been asked for and wasn't welcomed because it was so far from what the OP's question was in the first place, and things got quite heated.

[Squeaks]

If I were the thread starter, I would prefer it posted in the thread than PMed,  that would hopefully eliminate repetitiveness.

Personally I don't find thread drift that bothersome, esp on this board.  Because it is an etiquette board most people are polite when they reply, even when they disagree, additionally i think the group we have here is rather intelligent, articulate and logical. It would be one thing to reply with "You're stupid, I don't think any woman should change her name because it's a bad idea"  But that is not what we get here.

On this board we are more likely to get someone responding with tactful honesty, can a logical argument.  To me it is different to say " I personally don't like name change and here is why. . . reason x, y & z".   To me as long as logical reasons are stated, and the post is polite and non-judgmental, I view the post as welcome, since you never know when a reason will resonate with the op, or someone else facing a similar problem.  Now we should strive to not turn it into a debate or a lecture but information, opinions, and reasoning to me are always welcome.

I don't actually think "don't change your name" is an unreasonable response, since it does solve the problem.  Yes it is a third option, but sometime third options are very good and very appreciated.  I am always open to food for thought, you never know when you will hear something from a different angle that really clicks for you.

 

[snowball's chance]

I don't actually think "don't change your name" is an unreasonable response, since it does solve the problem.  Yes it is a third option, but sometime third options are very good and very appreciated. 

I guess we will have to agree to disagree.  It's one thing to say, "Personally, I don't think women should change their name beacuse ____/I would caution you against changing your name because I had the following problem: _____, that being said, the OP wants to. . . . ." because then you are stating your opinion that the OP may find helpful, and also acknowledging that's not what the OP asked. 

OR you could always ask, "If you don't mind, why did you decide to change your name?"  Then you will get a better idea from the OP's response if she's thought of the issue you wanted to mention (but then this is also a slight hijack, but might help for clarification purposes).

But I think in this instance, when the OP has made up their mind about X, it seems kind of like overstepping to tell her she made the wrong choice.

[ShadesOfGrey]

But I think in this instance, when the OP has made up their mind about X, it seems kind of like overstepping to tell her she made the wrong choice.

I see what you mean, but we also dont know that the poster has 'carefully considered' anything.  Manytimes on this board, people will offer their experience (such as the "I would caution against...have you considered...my experience with....") and the poster realizes that yes, there is a third option that I had previously discarded or previously decided against, but now will re-consider.  I dont think there's anything wrong with that. 

Though in the thread you are thinking of, the off-topic discussion did get waaaay out of hand.  I think adamantly calling into question someone's integrity, in the absence of any evidence to suggest such a thing is way out of line (I'm not talking about the "well, could this[insert bad thing here that op hadnt though of] be her motive?").

[Squeaks]

Id also like to add, that I don't personally feel that the thread is 100% only for the OP.  Often times others will be going through similar situations.  So while the OP may have (in the example given) very firmly deciding, someone reading it may be less decided and benefit from a broad range of information.   If I start a thread that ends up helping someone else, I am not going to be upset about the threadjack, or the like, I am going to glad that we helped someone.

I do think a thread like this is healthy as it helps us to get a feel for eachother.  I think mm250 had some excellent points in how it make sure that if you do post something in a slighter different direction, to make sure to phrase it in a non upsetting manner. Though I disagree that posting a differing opinion automatically means you are accusing someone of making a wrong choice.

[jimithing]

I have seen many threads where the OP brings something up in the OP, and then gets upset when people take that subject and run, even though it's pertinent to the topic, it's just not where the OP wanted to go.  I think that when you start a post, you need to be prepared for people to respond to ALL of the post, not just the specific question you may be asking.

I also think that the only person who should ask for the thread to get back on track is the OP or the mods.  I've seen other posters come in and ask for it to get back on track on my threads, and I didn't have a problem where it was going.  I think that's stepping on toes.

[LifeOnPluto]

Sharing opinions and personal experiences, if they aren't quite on topic, don't bother me.

What does slightly annoy me, is when the thread (and it's usually those very long ones) drifts off into cute discussions about eating brownies, or comparing pets, etc etc. Sorry guys!

[Lisbeth]

I'm gonna disagree.

Starting a thread doesn't give the OP ownership of it.  Sometimes threads meander, the same way spoken conversations do.  That's essentially what a thread is-an electronic conversation.  We would think it rude and/or annoying to be scolded IRL because the conversation had drifted-I at least would feel the same about an online thread.

That said, I'll agree that when a thread drifts too far off topic, such as in an "Oh how cute the dog in your sig photo is!" moment, that is annoying.  But if the new topic is related to the original one, I think it's also really annoying and rude to scold the poster who brought it up.

[Spring Water on Sundays]

Hypothetically, if I started a thread about what I should buy my dog for her birthday, I think it would be quite rude for someone to chime in with "Why waste money on a bday present for your dog? Why not save the money or donate it to charity instead!" Sure, maybe it's technically "on-topic" - they acknowledge that I want to buy a bday gift for my dog - but the response in no way answers my question, and makes a value judgment on how I choose to spend my money. Such responses are completely unhelpful and add nothing to the thread. I can see why OPs get frustrated by such responses.

This happened to me when I started a thread about adults ordering off the kid's menu at restaurants (yeah that was me  ). I don't like Mexican food but my husband loves it and likes to go to Mexican restaurants. My question was "If there really is nothing on the regular menu I like to eat, would it be okay for me to politely inquire if I could order off the kids' menu if I'm willing to accept no for an answer, or should I just eat before hand and then just order a drink or dessert at the restaurant?" I had people respond, "There has to be something on the menu you would eat! Why not just order a plain tortilla with white rice on it?" If I had asked for suggestions on what to order of the adults menu, that would be a fine response, but it in no way addresses the question I actually asked. And yes, just because I could manage to eat a plain tortilla with white rice on it, it doesn't sound particularly tasty or like something I would want to pay restaurant prices to eat (also, it's probably just me, but such a response suggests that I'm too bone-headed to think of such a simple solution - I'm sure it's not meant that way).

I guess I don't understand why people feel compelled to give suggestons that don't have anything to do with the original question.

ETA: I will say I don't think it's rude to respond with something like, "This reminds me of the episode of Boy Meets World where Cory and Topanga go to the nice restaurant and Cory orders chicken fingers and fries and takes a doggy bag home to Sean!" It's a funny comparison that doesn't make a judgment on the OP's decision or values.

[snowball's chance]

Hypothetically, if I started a thread about what I should buy my dog for her birthday, I think it would be quite rude for someone to chime in with "Why waste money on a bday present for your dog? Why not save the money or donate it to charity instead!" Sure, maybe it's technically "on-topic" - they acknowledge that I want to buy a bday gift for my dog - but the response in no way answers my question, and makes a value judgment on how I choose to spend my money. Such responses are completely unhelpful and add nothing to the thread. I can see why OPs get frustrated by such responses.

Thanks, Farrah, this is precisely what I meant to say.  I didn't mean to imply that it's rude for a thread to switch gears from say, the above OP, to dealing with guests who have allergies to the dog, it's the unhelpful comments like:

"Why would you waste money on present for your DOG?"
"You really should donate the money to the Humane Society."
"See, this is why I hate dogs and have 6 cats"

"Why waste money on a bday present for your dog? Why not save the money or donate it to charity instead!" to me, this just isn't helpful, while "Have you considered donating to the Humane Society/Animal Ark or a dog-related charity?" is completely different.

[AprilRenee]

Threads tend to drift. Usually they tend to stay in at least a related topic.

Also, I think that people don't usually like to post "yes" or "no" to a yes or no questions. They would like to be helpful and offer up advice.

in the case of the children's menu VS the adult menu, I didn't read it, so I can't comment on exactly how it went, but I would speculate that a poster responded "no, I don't think it's ok to order off the childrens menu. Isn't there anything from the adult menu you would like? What about X?" not in a way to insinuate that you are too stupid to think of it yourself, but sometimes people are so set in how they percieve the situation, that they don't always think of other alternatives. If I had responded to that thread, I probably would have said "most mexican places I've been to have items like cheeseburgers or salads on the adult menu. Would one of those have worked?

So many situations are NOT black and white, or only have two choices to choose from. There are shades of gray and a lot of possible solutions or actions. Just because a poster may only offer two solutions in the OP, doesn't mean that those are going to  be the only two solutions that EVERYONE thinks of

[Spring Water on Sundays]

Threads tend to drift. Usually they tend to stay in at least a related topic.

Also, I think that people don't usually like to post "yes" or "no" to a yes or no questions. They would like to be helpful and offer up advice.

in the case of the children's menu VS the adult menu, I didn't read it, so I can't comment on exactly how it went, but I would speculate that a poster responded "no, I don't think it's ok to order off the childrens menu. Isn't there anything from the adult menu you would like? What about X?" not in a way to insinuate that you are too stupid to think of it yourself, but sometimes people are so set in how they percieve the situation, that they don't always think of other alternatives. If I had responded to that thread, I probably would have said "most mexican places I've been to have items like cheeseburgers or salads on the adult menu. Would one of those have worked?

So many situations are NOT black and white, or only have two choices to choose from. There are shades of gray and a lot of possible solutions or actions. Just because a poster may only offer two solutions in the OP, doesn't mean that those are going to  be the only two solutions that EVERYONE thinks of

Not to take this thread off topic ( ) but in my OP I did say that the only place on the menu where there were non-Mexican items (burgers, chicken tenders, pizza) was on the kid's menu. Also, the suggestion to order a tortilla and rice was preceeded with something like, "I can't believe that an adult couldn't find anything to eat at a Mexican restaurant. Who doesn't like rice and beans?" Sorry, I should have been more detailed in my previous post. You're right that there is a way to phrase suggestions so that they are more helpful than judgmental and I wouldn't have bristled if the suggestion was phrased in such a way.

[caranfin]

Hypothetically, if I started a thread about what I should buy my dog for her birthday, I think it would be quite rude for someone to chime in with "Why waste money on a bday present for your dog? Why not save the money or donate it to charity instead!" Sure, maybe it's technically "on-topic" - they acknowledge that I want to buy a bday gift for my dog - but the response in no way answers my question, and makes a value judgment on how I choose to spend my money. Such responses are completely unhelpful and add nothing to the thread. I can see why OPs get frustrated by such responses.

This happened to me when I started a thread about adults ordering off the kid's menu at restaurants (yeah that was me  ). I don't like Mexican food but my husband loves it and likes to go to Mexican restaurants. My question was "If there really is nothing on the regular menu I like to eat, would it be okay for me to politely inquire if I could order off the kids' menu if I'm willing to accept no for an answer, or should I just eat before hand and then just order a drink or dessert at the restaurant?" I had people respond, "There has to be something on the menu you would eat! Why not just order a plain tortilla with white rice on it?" If I had asked for suggestions on what to order of the adults menu, that would be a fine response, but it in no way addresses the question I actually asked. And yes, just because I could manage to eat a plain tortilla with white rice on it, it doesn't sound particularly tasty or like something I would want to pay restaurant prices to eat (also, it's probably just me, but such a response suggests that I'm too bone-headed to think of such a simple solution - I'm sure it's not meant that way).

I agree, including the bolded part - you are not the only one who feels this way.