I used it...and used it....and used it! (very long)

[Oxymoroness]

I like another PP's suggestion of making John repeat himself, but if you really wanted to have fun, make him explain himself. At length. In detail.

Especially considering that these "other" people already know that John's an idiot, it could be fun. Heck, it could even become a "group" activity. 

[macysnail]

First I simply must commend you on your vast amount of patience.  I truly don't know how you sat through one insult after another.  If it were me there would have been one of two possible outcomes, I would have thrown a glass of water at him and called him a jerk, or I would have burst into tears and fled the table because I was so angry and not able to do anything about it. 

I am very glad that you realize this is his problem and has absolutely nothing to do with your worth as a person. 

I love the "bless your heart" suggestion.  I would probably say, "bless your heart, you're so lucky to have found each other," in the most sickeningly sweet voice I could muster, every single time he said something.  Then I'd turn back to my other conversation and ignore him.  I think if he keeps escalating things you seriously might want to try an icy stare and ignore him completely from now on.

[Dragons 8 Cactus]

Some random thoughts:

Of the enemies that I did once have [and this goes for my DD as well] they were my friends first, it turned out they were only friends so they had ammo to make fun of me.

My eyebrows DO match my hair , also natural honey blond
As do my eyelashes, arm and leg hair, you get the picture [TMI ]

John does have the hots for you and Lisa is 'Amused' because You are obviously No competition.

Personally, I'd go the 'Bless you heart' line and laugh historically at anything else, like he's just said something amusing.

[M-theory]

This thread is great. It'd have been awesome if I'd known all these tactics in high school. Of course, John clearly never graduated mentally.

I would probably do what Stormtreader mentioned, in my best Stepford Wife voice.

[Olivia]

1) Return John's comments with your own left-handed compliment. "Oh, you would never be attracted to someone as thin as me. That's delightful to hear because there is absolutely nothing about you I find appealing in the slightest. I am so glad I don't have to worry about that."

I like this idea.  I might also be tempted to amuse myself by fighting fire with fire. 


Him: You're too thin.  I like that Lisa has meat on her bones.

You: Oh sure, I mean, you have a spare tire, and I much prefer my husband's six pack.  Yep, you're so right, liking the body type of your mate is such an important element of attraction!   

Him:  Lisa has naturally curly dark hair, which is wonderful.  Your bottled blonde hair is hideous. 

You:  Oh, yeah.  I love my DH's full head of hair. I just could not deal with a man who has a bald patch like yours. 

[high dudgeon]

Ok, it probably makes me a horrible person, but I sometimes find the phrase, "Well, if that's what you need to tell yourself..." to be handy from time to time. When absolutely nothing else gets through to someone. And then tune out their response, whatever it is.

Jerk: You must be anorexic!
Me:  Well, if that's what you need to tell yourself...

Jerk: Lisa can do everything much better than you!
Me:  Well, if that's what you need to tell yourself...


But really, what's so vital about these monthly meetings? Can you arrange to see the other (nice) guests separately? Can you just not go? Can you join a different group/organization/club? I have to admit, I sometimes turn down invitation when I know a certain couple is going to be invited. I'll attend other events with the rest of the guests, but wild horses couldn't drag me to an evening when that couple is going to be there. Because I know they'll be rude and snide and make accusations and insults, no matter what I do or don't say, no matter what I do. There's no winning with some people and those are the people you shouldn't have to have any contact with whatsoever. There are always ways to work around it somehow, and it's worth looking into what they are.

Also, is there any reason DH can't stay at your side for the entire night? And if the jerk starts up again, DH can coldly cut him off with "Do not speak that way about my wife. For any reason."

[Hillia]

My response would be the every popular Stare and Ignore.  After he fires off his brilliant remark, you pause and look at him with a look of benign indifference.  Hold the look for 1-2 seconds, just long enough for him to know that you heard him and this is a calculated response on your part, then very markedly turn to the person next to you and begin or continue a conversation on a totally different topic.  Don't even acknowledge his interruption with a 'As I was saying...' or 'So anyway...'.  He didn't even speak as far as you're concerned.  If he says it again louder, or insists on a response, you can say, "I'm sorry?" with the same coldly polite affect, then repeat the beat of silence and change of conversational topics.

Engaging in any verbal battle will only encourage him to keep upping the ante.  He'll just keep adding more (as you've seen when you've tried the 'interesting assumption' - he just finds ruder ways to add more details to his original insult.  Ignoring him will cause him to escalate to get your attention.  And of course, you don't want to give him any emotional response, because like any bully, that's what he's after.  You don't need to let the rest of the group know what a putz he is; they already know.  This response lets him know that you heard him, you know what he's doing, and you consider him completely unworthy of even acknowledging or responding to.

[Poppea]

Also, I think he may be jealous/attracted to you.  After all the man does protest too much.

magiccat, that last comment? Ewww....just ewwww.

Sorry, Felica, but this occurred to me, too, and I'm not one to automatically ascribe behaviors to jealousy.  He's SO focused on you and obviously wants attention from you, whether it's positive or negative.  He's using the ham-handed flirting techniques of an 8 year-old boy.

Yes, my thought too.  He's married to a much less attractive woman, and feels you are out of his league.  This bothers his self-esteem, and makes him angry.  He takes that anger and directs it at you because you caused these feelings.  And he wants your attention.

Feel free to  shower with some lysol and a brillo pad, I know I would. Yeeech

[Felica]

But she's not less attractive. At least I don't think so. She's got a bit of extra weight on her, but she's a physically attractive woman. And she's got the added attraction of bigger um, assets. I mean, I'm a C, she's a DD, don't most men like John like that?

[Poppea]

But she's not less attractive. At least I don't think so. She's got a bit of extra weight on her, but she's a physically attractive woman. And she's got the added attraction of bigger um, assets. I mean, I'm a C, she's a DD, don't most men like John like that?

Maybe, but he has to either have the hots for you or be verrrry jealous of your husband professionally/socially/etc.  Can you give us some info on the dynamic between John and your husband?  Are they business competitors, do you make more money, or is there something else he wants that you husband has other than you?

[Oxymoroness]

I have to wonder if this would be one of the few occasions that a teenager eyeroll and "Whatever" would actually be appropriate. 

[Dragons 8 Cactus]

Perhaps he wants your husband. and he's trying to drive you off or put a wedge between you and your hubby.

Perhaps his wifey wants a twosome

 

[Vegemite Girl]

John does have the hots for you and Lisa is 'Amused' because You are obviously No competition.

*Yes*. Sorry, Felicia, but John wants your bod. And Lisa either a) thinks she's better than you, as Dragons8 has suggested or b) is jealous of you and so loves to see you 'taken down a peg'. Whether he realises it or not I'd bet my left arm his attraction is what's providing the extra venom he's dishing out to you.

Erk.     

[FunkyMunky]

Like anyone on a diet who says "I really don't eat cake, it's horribly fattening, does awful things to your body, I can't believe you eat that, how disgusting", John is trying to convince himself of something, not anyone else.

[sammycat]

John is a bully, and like most bullies he's actually scared of someone standing up to him, hence not making the comments while your husband is around.  These people sound like they are very insecure and jealous of you for some reason and are probably just WAITING for you to lose your cool and scream at them/him one day.  The fact that you've stayed so calm is probably driving them mental. 

I like several of the responses that you have been given for dealing with him, particularly the ones that recommend repeating everything in a laughing way when your DH returns to the group.  This treats John and Lisa like the very unfunny jokes that they are.  I also liked the suggestion of having John repeat every comment because of all the sudden 'noise' around, so that before long everyone is staring at him while he continues to make an a*s of himself.

Is there any way at all of totally cutting these people out of your life?