I used it...and used it....and used it! (very long)

[Poppea]

How can Lisa possibly be such a prize when people seem to like Felica so much?  Consequently, John must put Felica in her place to maintain his status of the group stud, at least in his own mind.

Now that's a very interesting point.  Felica, to put this rather childishly, are you more popular than Lisa?  Could it be that John and Lisa are jealous of the fact that you are held in higher regard by your social group than they are and this is their way of trying to bring you down to their level?

It sounds plausible.

[Tagy]

Felicia, no matter where in the world you live, it just might be time to pull out the Southern woman's go-to phrase:  well, bless your heart.

For Example:
John:  Lisa could make those beaded Christmas ornaments with both hands tied behind her back.
Felicia:  Aww, you really DO think she's special, don't you?  Well, bless your heart (accompanied by a bemused head shake)

[Double Helix]

The fact that you are on the petite side, a C cup and blonde sure sounds like he would be attracted to you.    I have a feeling that the better you look at these meetings the more he is going to do that to you.  Plus you sound like a confident woman, and that can bother many people.   

Have you ever tried a little humility, such as "oh it takes me so long to get my hair to look like this"  or "making those ornaments are really so much work for me" or "I have such a hard time getting bargains at the store, your wife is incredible"...that really seems to diffuse those kinds of comments, I have found.

The idea about marking on a piece of paper how many times he insults you is also great.   You could also respond with "anything else?" when he makes a comparison to his perfect wife, so you can give him another mark.

I would also use the idea about telling your DH in front of him, what he just said to you, with a big smile on your face, and then turning to him and saying "you are so bizarre!" in a laughing manner.

[AuntMaud]

What a boar! A combination of all of the techniques sounds like the ideal way to go.

Start by ignoring him, until he repeats himself to you. Then say "I'm sorry, I missed that", so he has to repeat it a third time "My wife's hair is natural not like yours!". Look blank for a second, them just say ok and turn back to whoever you were talking to.

He will up the ante and become more and more obnoxious. Continue the faintly bemused waste-of-time act. When necessary, pull in your husband or someone else, restating Boar's words with the correct inflection "he thinks I bleach my hair, honey". And the final one, which I love, is "Oh bless your heart, you think your wife is really special, that is so cute".

Have a friend primed to catch your eye and stifle giggles together too. By the end of the meal he will be fuming but you haven't been rude and you don't have to see him for another 4 weeks - when, sadly, you'll probably have to repeat this all over again until he gets the message.

[DragonKitty]

I'm sorry this has come up for the OP, but happy because it has given me great responses for when I might need them.

I especially love the "bless your heart", and possibly combine it with the "if you really need to think that".  And actually, for me, the "could you repeat that" can work well, because I really do have some hearing loss that I'm not sure much can be done with, because I have problems hearing voices when there is lots of background noises.

[Roe]

Also, I think he may be jealous/attracted to you.  After all the man does protest too much.

I was thinking the same thing!

[Giggity]

3) The expression that says, "You are pretending to insult me because you are desperately in love with me and don't want to let on. I understand. Poor little boy."

I vote for this one. If you're correct, he'll be deathly embarrassed. If you're not, he'll be peeved that he's not peeving you.

[BethanyAnne]

I have a feeling that Lisa is jealous of you and the insults couched as compliments for her are his way of putting her at ease and calming her insecurities.  That and he's a great big bottom.

[Hanna]

Any updates?

[Hunter-Gatherer]

I think this has moved to the point where the direct smackdown is appropriate.  You've tried polite, you've tried reasonable, and while there are other wonderful suggestions that have been made, I'd be tempted to go for the direct route of, "You know, after our conversation today, I've been wondering something about you.  Are you really so insecure about yourself and your wife that the only way you can build up your self esteem is to constantly put me down?  How truly pathetic." 

[bopper]

The answer to all these barrages:

"Good thing you married Lisa then."

[kittytongue]

The answer to all these barrages:

"Good thing you married Lisa then."

Oh that's good. In fact I think this is a perfect answer. It lets you acknowledge that he said something but also points oput that he's being a jerk without your being a jerk in return.

[willow08]

Seriously, kudos to you for not punching this donkey right in the face. 

[Hanna]

Great response Bopper.

Got me thinking.  You could also always respond with something complimentary of your own DH while implying something negative about this rude dude.
"Oh MY DH never insults other people's wives.  He can compliment me without being rude to anyone else!"
"My DH would never say assume things about other women's hair.  That is just one thing he would NEVER do!"
"My DH would never compare someone else's talents to mine.  He just isn't the type of man to insult others!"
"My DH knows there is room for more than one attractive woman in this world!  He doesn't have to make someone else feel bad in order to make me feel good!"

[Poppea]

Felicia,

I just reread your original post, and had somehow missed that this buffoon is saying these things to you in front of your sons?   Please tell me your boys were at a different table.

Why do you have to associate with this jerk?