Roommate Issues....

[Niphil]

Slight vent...

My roommate is a big big studier. Every single day, she's studying, so I have to have my tv turned off. Nevermind the fact that there are plenty of places for her to study, and no places for me to watch tv. But it's "her" room, because she spends all of her time here. Studying.

So now, it's finals week, and I'm finally done, and I want to be able to watch the tv, but I can't, because she's still studying. I think she's only been to the library once this entire semester to study. She's asked me to take the tv out of our room, because she can't study with it. She the complete opposite of me, in that I need the background noise to concentrate.

Am I asking too  much to be able to use my tv to watch the shows I want to watch? I don't want to move out, because I've had this room for over a year, and I want to keep it, and she's a freshman.
 

I wonder where she's going to find her perfect roommate.

[Chocolate Cake]

You each have to be considerate of the other in a shared space like a dorm room.    For the time being, I'd say leave the TV off since it's finals or get yourself some ear buds to hear the TV in private, but definitely have a conversation and come up with a compromise for next semester before you leave on winter break.   While it is reasonable to ask her to do some of her studying elsewhere so you can watch TV during the semester, it is just as reasonable for her to ask you to keep the TV off during finals so she can study. 

By the way....kudos to her for staying on task as a freshman. 

[Chartreuse]

Do you have one of those tvs that will allow you to plug headphones into it?     It's not ideal, but it'll allow you to both do your own thing in the same room?

[itiswhatitisn't]

She does need to learn to compromise.  Finals is not the time, but you should approach it next semester.  Obviously if you need the background noise and she needs quiet (which drives me insane) you need to alternate times to study in the room.  For background noise I used to go to the student center.  Noisy like a tv and plenty to block out so you can concentrate.  And she needs to be introduced to the library.  You both need your environments and why should you have to do all of the giving up.

[hobish]

You only have one room between the 2 of you? (not counting bathroom & eating area, of course). I've never done the dorm thing, so i am trying to picture it.

I think Weber has the right idea. You should be able to find a way to compromise so that you both can use the space, and she definitely should be introduced to the library.

Ear buds are an option, but kind of a pain, i would think. Then you can't always hear your phone, or someone knocking on the door, or what have you ... plus too much use of them can damage your ears, no matter how much we might all love out iPods.

[Niphil]

She despises the library, but wants me to go to the kitchen/lounge to watch the broken televison. At a time when half of campus is packed into the library (and the other half of us are studying with tv and videogames) she refuses to go there.
And we only share the room, there is a floorwide bathroom.

She thinks that the room is mostly hers because I don't sleep in the room, I sleep at my boyfriend's house off campus (and believe me, if I could move completely, I would, but the University doesn't allow students to move off campus in the middle of the year). But I don't really think it matters that I don't sleep there, as long as I do spend time in the room and am paying for it, it is half mine. She ignored that.

I'm really hoping that the RD doesn't take her side just because her method of studying is more accepted. I do study, but I like having the tv noise in the background at the same time. And I do things other than study, like spend time with my friends and watch movies and go shopping, but I can count on two hands the amount of times she's gone out with her one friend. I don't know if she's lonely, or what.

In the middle of the semester she wrote me a letter saying that it was hurtful that I didn't spend more time in the room and that she thought the two of us were going to be best friends, but that wasn't and isn't what I'm looking for at all. I didn't get to choose who I wanted to live with and the University matches people randomly without paying any attention to personality.

[Sirius]

In the middle of the semester she wrote me a letter saying that it was hurtful that I didn't spend more time in the room and that she thought the two of us were going to be best friends, but that wasn't and isn't what I'm looking for at all. I didn't get to choose who I wanted to live with and the University matches people randomly without paying any attention to personality.

One of the things you quickly learn about being roommates is that you're not obligated to become best friends.  While the one time I had a roommate we did become good friends, we didn't socialize together most of the time.  I get the impression your roommate had a bunch of  preconceived notions about having a college roommate, but so far you haven't lived up to them (not that you were obligated to do so) so she feels you let her down.  She needs to learn that things don't necessarily happen the way we want them to. 

[kckgirl]

I agree that during finals week is not the time to change the way you've done things. If you went along with her wishes all along, she has no reason to believe you won't now. Before the next semester starts, the two of you should have a conversation about compromises, and the fact that you will not be the only one compromising. She can go to the library if she wants constant quiet. You shouldn't have to remain silent at all times in your own home.

[freakyfemme]

I had a similar problem earlier this year.  My roommates would play their music until the walls shook, till all hours of the night, but they complained if I walked in the apartment with shoes on in the mornings, closed the door too loudly when I left to go to the gym every morning (closing it normally was considered "slamming," I had to actually hold it so it'd close silently), tried to take an interest in their lives, or talked to them at all, especially if the TV was on, which was pretty much all the time.  Basically, their "rule" was, "Freaky is to be seen and not heard, but we can do whatever we please."  Needless to say, I moved out after the first month.

[ZipTheWonder]

I'd get some wireless headphones.  In dorm life, if there's a solution that works for everyone, take it.  Wireless headphones would do that.

[Niphil]

I'd get some wireless headphones.  In dorm life, if there's a solution that works for everyone, take it.  Wireless headphones would do that.

I'll look into the pricing for those, but I hate having to spend any amount of money when my roommate hates compromising.

[blarg314]

I see several issues here - one is the issue over noise vs quiet while studying.  Another is her expectations over what being roommates is like - it sounds like she is not a person who is very comfortable socialising and is a bit of a homebody, and was possibly counting on a roommate to be buddies with, which is not necessarily realistic.  The other is the differences in living style between the two of you.

I would second the headphones idea as the best compromise - it lets you study with noise, and she gets her quiet.

The other thing would be to talk to her, at the beginning of the next semester, and work out a schedule - say you get the TV for an hour or two in the early evening, and then it goes off/to headphones for quiet later.  Or figure out when your favorite shows are on, and negotiate for those times.  However, 'finals rules' for noise hold until the last person is done studying.

I'm pretty good about filtering out noise (I can sleep through firecrackers), but I find TV one of the most distracting types of noise, particularly when it's a show I dislike - I think it's because it's a coherent noise (a story + conversation vs traffic noise or muffled talking) and it's something that can't be interacted with (like people talking in the same room).

[sammycat]

Compromise is definitely needed in shared living arrangements but I'm not sure why the OP is the one being advised/expected to do most of the compromising in this situation.  If the roommate REFUSES to go to the library and/or wants silence to study then that is HER problem and she should be the one to put in ear plugs/muffs etc.  Finals week is probably not the best time to discuss this but for next year an arrangement should be in place.  Kudos to her for being so serious about her studies but she needs to realise that not everybody approaches their study the same ways she does.

I think a fair compromise would be for the OP to wear headphone or whatever for a certain part of the day while watching TV but for the roomate to wear earplugs at other times so that the OP can enjoy her shows in a normal way.

To the OP:  Is it possible to have a new room or roommate next semester?

[MadMadge43]

I am going to disagree with the rest of the posters. I think now is a perfectly acceptable time to bring this situation up. You do not need to live like a monk for the next two weeks because she needs silence. I would come up with the study hours with her, but still come up with them. A few hours during both of your free time should be enough, because she has plenty of time while you are not there to study too. If this is not acceptable to her, you can point out ear buds in the paper and say, you can always get me these.

This is your room too and you are being held hostage. She gets enough time when you are not there as it is, when you are actually there you should split the time.

Finals do not make wilting lillies out of us, and if she can't deal with proper negotiation that is her problem not yours.  (by the way, do approach it nicely, but be firm). And you're going through finals too and aren't allowed your form of relaxation, so you are suffering through them too.

[MerryRaven]

If you aren't there at night or much of the time because you are at your boyfriend's, then she may feel entitled to do as she likes in the room.

I agree that getting headphones is a good idea.  They don't have to be expensive. 

I don't have room-mates but I have managed to live with my husband for 28 years.  When he plays his X-box he uses head phones because I get tired of the noise.

When one of my daughters is home and at the computer they use headphones because they want to listen to music or episodes of Lost while I am trying to read. 

In my world, if you are the one making the noise, you are the one that has to compromise. 

Noise is like second hand smoke.  It is disturbing and hard to get away from while quietly doing something only irritates the people who want to make noise.