Roommate Issues....

[Lysitheia]

  I do not think that quiet during finals is unreasonable, but:

I agree with Sammycat on this one. The OP paid for half the room, and while Roomie has the right to expect quiet part of the time, the OP should not have to creep like a mouse. It doesn't seem like she wants anything absurd or even unusual; an episode of Law and Order now again is hardly a bizarre request.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: We have to adjust our needs to the real world, the world will not adjust itself to us. I'm sorry if Roomie loathes the library, but expecting the OP to stop functioning normally is unfair in the extreme. The letter was just weird...I don't want to leave because I study all the time, so I expect you to be my built in best friend, except that you aren't allowed to live in the room in any meaningful sense because I need silence.

Headphones are probably the most realistic solution, but maybe a talk about expectations vs. fair boundaries and the realities of college is in order as well.

[blarg314]

I'd still bring it up next semester, mainly because the roommate is a freshman - meaning she's most of the way through her *first* set of university exams, and is quite probably massively stressed out and rather sleep deprived - not a good time for a rational conversation to work out a compromise on study/quiet vs noise.

I agree that while compromise is necessary on both sides, the person making the noise generally has more of a responsiblity to moderate their activities than vice versa.  It's also a good point that the roommates expectations are probably shaped by the fact that the OP isn't home much - the roommate has the room the way she wants it most of the time, except on the OP happens to be home, so the disruptions are probably more noticeable when they are there.

[BurninDinner]

Does your boyfriend have a tv?  Do any of your friends like the same shows?

[freakyfemme]

If you aren't there at night or much of the time because you are at your boyfriend's, then she may feel entitled to do as she likes in the room.

I agree that getting headphones is a good idea.  They don't have to be expensive. 

I don't have room-mates but I have managed to live with my husband for 28 years.  When he plays his X-box he uses head phones because I get tired of the noise.

When one of my daughters is home and at the computer they use headphones because they want to listen to music or episodes of Lost while I am trying to read. 

In my world, if you are the one making the noise, you are the one that has to compromise. 

Noise is like second hand smoke.  It is disturbing and hard to get away from while quietly doing something only irritates the people who want to make noise.

I had (another) similar scenario in the summer, in case anyone remembers.  After work, I'd always come home and want to practice my clarinet, but my brother would sometimes be watching TV in his room, which was next to mine, so I'd go downstairs and practice in the family room--which he also didn't like, because he'd tell me that after watching TV, he would want to use the computer, which was in there.  So basically, he'd be telling me I couldn't practice in my room OR the family room.  I could use the living room, but I didn't really like to, because it had carpeted floors, as opposed to the hardwood floors in the family room (which was actually my favourite room to practice in, except for the hassle of moving my stuff downstairs), which muffled my sound.  In this case, yes, I was the one making the "noise," but when I posted about it on here, everyone unanimously said that my brother was being rude, not me, and I shouldn't have been the only one expected to "compromise."  Oh, and sometimes, he'd expect me to vacate the family room when I was watching TV (he had one in his room, I didn't have cable in mine because our dog had chewed through the cable), because he wanted to use the computer in complete silence.

[kckgirl]

Oh, and sometimes, he'd expect me to vacate the family room when I was watching TV (he had one in his room, I didn't have cable in mine because our dog had chewed through the cable), because he wanted to use the computer in complete silence.

I'd bet it was more likely he didn't want you to know what web sites he was visiting.

[Deetee]

I'm  going to have to disagree with most people. This is a university and it is finals week. I think the roomate has the right to study exactly how she wants (in a manner that is not disruptive to the OP).

Several people have suggested studying in the library, but I know I found it difficult to study in the library with not enough space (and I always forgot some very important book).

I think the roomate's studying takes precedence over the OP's TV watching for the next two weeks.

I like the suggestion of the wireless headphones (if you like to wander around) or cheap plugins if you prefer to sit.

You can revisit this in January, but until finals are over, I think the roomate has priority.

[kkl123]

I'm going to suggest 1) headphones for both of you (noise-cancelling for her,  tv headphones for you (wireless ones can also often be used with computer games)  and 2) a discussion with the RA about finding new roommates, a *very* common thing in the first year.

[ZipTheWonder]

Compromise is definitely needed in shared living arrangements but I'm not sure why the OP is the one being advised/expected to do most of the compromising in this situation. 

Because the solutions suggested to her would allow both people to get out of this situation exactly what they want and need.  There are very few times in life when the stars align that way. 

If she were being asked to stop talking, eating, having friends in or sleeping in the room or she had been asked to 'creep like a mouse', I'd agree it was unreasonable.  But, they are students living in student housing, and it is reasonable to expect to be able to study free of television noise when headphones would give them both the environment they want.

[blarg314]

In this case, yes, I was the one making the "noise," but when I posted about it on here, everyone unanimously said that my brother was being rude, not me, and I shouldn't have been the only one expected to "compromise." 

I think the difference here is that there isn't a way to practice the clarinet quietly, and that your brother was attempting to mandate what was going on in rooms he wasn't currently using.  Asking someone to practice on the other side of the house is reasonable, asking someone not to practice in the middle of the night is reasonable, but staking claims on the use of half the rooms in the house isn't.

Similarly, asking someone to stop watching TV isn't reasonable, asking them to exclusively use headphones during finals is. However, not wanting any TV noise at all during the semester isn't particularly reasonable and is something that needs to be negotiated.  For that, a reasonable compromise would be to have particular shows or times blocked out for audible use, so the roommate will know to study somewhere else or bring earplugs, and the rest of the time for earphones.

[freakyfemme]

In this case, yes, I was the one making the "noise," but when I posted about it on here, everyone unanimously said that my brother was being rude, not me, and I shouldn't have been the only one expected to "compromise." 

I think the difference here is that there isn't a way to practice the clarinet quietly, and that your brother was attempting to mandate what was going on in rooms he wasn't currently using.  Asking someone to practice on the other side of the house is reasonable, asking someone not to practice in the middle of the night is reasonable, but staking claims on the use of half the rooms in the house isn't.

Similarly, asking someone to stop watching TV isn't reasonable, asking them to exclusively use headphones during finals is. However, not wanting any TV noise at all during the semester isn't particularly reasonable and is something that needs to be negotiated.  For that, a reasonable compromise would be to have particular shows or times blocked out for audible use, so the roommate will know to study somewhere else or bring earplugs, and the rest of the time for earphones.

Oh, okay.  I'm just wondering, though, is it just the noise of the TV that bothers the OP's roommate, or the flickering pictures on the screen as well?  Either way, I don't think she's being reasonable, but she just said she "couldn't study with the TV on," so maybe it's not just the noise, it's the TV in general.  If it was just the noise, wouldn't she have just suggested headphones to begin with?

[Sharnita]

I am trying to clarify the situation in my mind.

She has a hard time focusing if there is any sound. She is very devoted to studying.

You can and do learn with background noise going on. You are done with your finals, she isn't/

There is a lounge with a tv that you could watch but it is broken? You could listne to the tv with headphones. You are frequently at your boyfriends where I assume you are allowed to watch tv.

it seems like you have several options that don't require you to get into a battle of wills. Consider them.

[Twik]

I must admit I find that studying for finals (something of high importance, with a narrow time zone) trumps watching television. I don't think an investment in a pair of headphones is outrageous compared to the cost of failing a year of university.

Could you move the working TV into the lounge and watch it there?

[CoryanderX]

I think for now, you should talk to her about setting up a few specific hours where you can watch TV and she can go somewhere else. If she really is in there ALL THE TIME and expects quiet ALL THE TIME, that's too much in my opinion. Especially if you're out at night anyway. If she's unwilling to concede even a few hours, she should realize how unfair and uncompromising she's being.

If you do end up getting headphones, she should pay at least half. 

[freakyfemme]

I think for now, you should talk to her about setting up a few specific hours where you can watch TV and she can go somewhere else. If she really is in there ALL THE TIME and expects quiet ALL THE TIME, that's too much in my opinion. Especially if you're out at night anyway. If she's unwilling to concede even a few hours, she should realize how unfair and uncompromising she's being.

If you do end up getting headphones, she should pay at least half. 

Pod.  Under normal circumstances, of course studying during finals should take priority over TV watching, within reason, but the OP's roommate has been demanding silence all semester long, so it's only natural for the OP to be annoyed, especially since she needs a bit of distraction to be able to study.  I'm like that too, so I understand completely.