Friend non-tactfully invited another friend

[tendereyes]

Unfortunately "damage" was done, but wanted to get some input on how to politely talk to a friend of mine about not doing this again.

Hubby and I decided to have a holiday party for people we directly know and associate with; We sent out the evites and have a pretty well known set number.

My friend whose a very close friend had called me early about Christmas cards, we talked and we hung up, no problem.

She then called me an hour later and basically said, "A friend of mine (hers) heard about the party you were having from someone else you invited and wanted to come and I told her I need to ask you first (), and then goes on this spill how her friend will have her kids (she cheated on her husband with several individuals and they are divorcing which is why we are keeping our distance and do not associate or want to associate with her due to both the soon to be nasty divorce and the cheating which we don't condone), and that she was feeling lonely, etc.

Basically through the whole story, I found out she told her friend, she could come and then tells me to "nudge nudge" be a good sport, to which I felt like directly saying "nudge nudge" that was in poor taste and uncall for because this was OUR house and not her call to be inviting people and then calling me to ask if it was okay although already putting me in a bad spot.

I told her, I'll see about sending her an invitation (via evite) and did so but without the customary greeting and in the invitation made sure it was clearly stated that this will be a COUPLES/Family affair, which was very un-tactful on my part and I regret I let my emotions of feeling, blindsided rule my judgement. Needless to say..she rsvp that she is coming.

My husband is already ticked at my friend and I'm just very very  at being put in a tight spot and plan on trying to find a civil and tactful way of telling her, for the future, there is a reason why we invited certain people to OUR party and it's not her place to be inviting and that it was not appreciate.

Anyway..I could use some ideas how to address my friend in a tactful way that would supercede some of the other scenarios I wouldn't mind doing but know I can't do.

[Xanthia, Maker of fine Tin-foil hats since 2007]

Just tell your friend "Do not do that again".  It is that simple, it may be a difficult thing for you to say, but please just do it.

I did this once and it did cost me a "friendship", but I feel I am better off without that person in my life.

Jellybean and I were having an open house and we invited "Sam".  Sam is a nice guy, but he was dating a married woman AND he knew we didnot approve.  This woman was married, had several children and no plans on leaving her husband because he was rich.  It was not an "open" relationship and Sam told us she wanted to get pregnant with Sam's baby.  The GF's husband had showed up SEVERAL times to places they were and caused a lot of trouble and the police had been involved more than once.  I told Sam that his GF was not invited PERIOD.

He felt that since Jellybean and I did not respect his relationship he could not be friends with us.  I wish him all the best, but I was not having that nonsense in my house.

There is nothing rude about being honest as long as you stick to the facts and do not embellish... just say "Friend, you put me in a really awkward situation and I do not appreciate it, do not do it again."

[tendereyes]

Thank you!

It just really put me in an awkward feeling particularly since it was very apparent that this was a couple/family event; Two, we were the planners not she, and Three, I don't even know this girl nor desire to.

Feeling  around for a good moment when I can talk with her privately  about this and we feel she is aware of the faux paus (hope I spelt that correctly) that she committed due to her being skittish around me.

This was just completely tactless of her to do...It's different had it been something she was doing and even then...just because she didn't want her friend to be alone and felt for her...she shouldn't assume we all feel that way for someone we don't even know or care to know.

Added as an afterthought:

Given her friend won't call us or email us (which is fine and I really don't care, and you know what...she really wanted to come...she should have been the one to approach us anyway and risk being refused); I for one, am not going to call her or email her, and just give her the cold shoulder.

I don't think she even knows how to get here since I never have talked to her, given my number, etc. and I don't plan on extending anymore than what I've let myself get into. She's made it obvious she's coming and hubby and I said fine...but we won't contact her and open the door anymore than what is already open.

This is our home and her friend (mine) more or less is responsible for her now.

[BurninDinner]

I agree with Xanthia.  You should've told your friend in the first place it's too bad she was so tactless but you can't help her out.  However, now you've got this person coming and there's no way around it. 

So you still have to be civil to her WHILE she's in your house (you can't give her the cold shoulder in your home), but do explicitly tell your friend not to invite people BEFORE she checks with you that it's OK.

[tendereyes]

*nod* we've also gotten rid of the mistletoe and made it understood that no other guests are going to be allowed save whom we have invited .

A bit of the cold shoulder and it's actually going to be harder since my husband plans on playing the bad guy and completely give the cold shoulder.

Added:

LOL..we're still doing couple only games so that's not going to change so what she chooses to do then..is really her choice...We invited NO single people so it's only married couples and she'll be the only single person.

[Xanthia, Maker of fine Tin-foil hats since 2007]

*nod* we've also gotten rid of the mistletoe and made it understood that no other guests are going to be allowed save whom we have invited .

A bit of the cold shoulder and it's actually going to be harder since my husband plans on playing the bad guy and completely give the cold shoulder.

Added:

LOL..we're still doing couple only games so that's not going to change so what she chooses to do then..is really her choice...We invited NO single people so it's only married couples and she'll be the only single person.

Tread softly..you DID send her an invite, even if you did not want to, purposefully making her feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in your home would be IMHO worse than your friend fishing for the invite.  If your husband so strongly objects she should NOT have been invited, but she was "invited" now it is time for everyone to play nice.

[tendereyes]

*nod* will try to reign my husband in if I can, but he's just not very happy with my friend or her friend particularly given what the friend has done with her own husband and he's just worried about her bringing it in the house; Which brings to question...we're not going to start inviting anyone single now just because of her (technically she's still married not single) and the games are already planned...what can we do?

[graceh9]

I think this whole noah's ark thing is a bit weird -- if one of your friends is widowed does she fall off your social calendar and not get to play little reindeer games?

big mistake to have caved in and invited this woman -- your tactless friend should have been told no and charged with making clear that she spoke too soon  but you know that now -- don't let someone bully you into a mistake like this again

now YOU have invited her and it is very tacky to then treat her badly  YOU INVITED HER -- it would be the height of bad taste for your husband to snub her since YOU INVITED HER

you will need to organize games in such a way that being joined at the hip to one's spouse is not a requirement  -- 

[tendereyes]

It's a family affair...for couples with kids to get together without having to worry about getting a babysitter.

If she was widowed or a single mother and I knew her, that would not have stop me from inviting her and really would have been a different story, however, my friend invited her because she felt sorry that her friend was getting a divorce because her husband couldn't understand about his wife wanting to sleep around and leaving her kids; I don't know this person and secondly, this is a very ugly divorce due to her leaving her kids and her husbands, having affairs with several individuals and a not so happy husband filing for divorce and its really a case of...not very smart.

With all respect...I don't appreciate the noah's ark remark. It's okay for married couples to want to be friends with other married couples too.

[VorFemme]

I have been lucky enough not to have people drag friends to parties at my house that were planned for couples.  Mostly because DH has been a teacher several times and places - so our entertainments at that time were planned for students (usually college aged or older) and dates were possible but not required.  Spouses were welcomed.

The only time I have been put on the spot was when an old roommate of DH's showed up with GF#whatever in tow early and "had" to be taken to a dinner party we'd already RXVPd to (work - I did have time to ask AND arrange to pay extra for the catering of two extra meals).  We left as early as possible as dumbRoommate turned out to be an idjit - which didn't matter when they were both newly graduated from high school but turned out to be embarressing as all get out some ten years later.......

The OP can let the "friend" know that this is the last and only time that her tuchis will be scraped out of the fire by being given even a reluctant "invitation" to a friend of a friend........the "next time" - if there ever is one - will be the last time that the "generous friend" gets an invitation of her own.  Who needs people who bring people, when the table only holds so many plates - one extra person sitting down means that the hostess ends up being the "waitress", instead.

Which, come to think of it, did happen to me some thirty years ago.  DH invited his brother and GF over for dinner.  When they showed up, they had brought "little sister" along.  DH couldn't quite bring himself to kick his sister into the living room while we ate.  So she sat at a desk chair and ate off of a non-matching plate (two sets of four plates) and used a plastic fork, knife, and spoon (as newly-weds, we had four, count them, FOUR place settings in stainless and four matching glasses AND only four chairs for a small table).

After that, there were no more "tag-alongs" to dinner parties.................we did find that it is possible for friends and family to make a different new mistake once in a while, though.  They never repeated one, but the new ones had me wishing that other people read etiquette books for fun, too.

[kckgirl]

If she was widowed or a single mother and I knew her, that would not have stop me from inviting her and really would have been a different story, however, my friend invited her because she felt sorry that her friend was getting a divorce because her husband couldn't understand about his wife wanting to sleep around and leaving her kids; I don't know this person and secondly, this is a very ugly divorce due to her leaving her kids and her husbands, having affairs with several individuals and a not so happy husband filing for divorce and its really a case of...not very smart.

With all respect...I don't appreciate the noah's ark remark. It's okay for married couples to want to be friends with other married couples too.

You stated that you were only playing couples games. If you did have widowed friends, what would they then do? It's really unfortunate, but some widows actually DO get dropped by their married friends because they're no longer married.

The problem here is that you did invite this woman. You should have left your friend holding the bag after she invited someone you didn't want to attend your party. But since you did invite her, you and your husband, the hosts who invited her, now have to honor the invitation that you extended and be gracious. As Xanthia mentioned, I would also tell your friend to never again invite anyone to your events.

If your husband cannot control himself, you should really rethink having the party. It is just wrong to snub invited guests in your home. As an alternative, you could cancel the party, choose a different date and issue new invitations. I'd even consider not inviting the person who started this whole mess by putting you on the spot.

[tendereyes]

We would probrably make it less the quiet family dinner party we were going to have and had a more open party and invited others as well...if we knew other widow/ers or single parents and had invited them.

However, we had planned for a small group of married couples (including my friend and her husband) that we knew and my friend was aware of that for a month now.

BTW: Given our table only sits 6 people, whether we want to or not, that's why it seem to make sense to invite our married friends (both his side and mine).

[graceh9]

We would probrably make it less the quiet family dinner party we were going to have and had a more open party and invited others as well...if we knew other widow/ers or single parents and had invited them.

However, we had planned for a small group of married couples (including my friend and her husband) that we knew and my friend was aware of that for a month now.

BTW: Given our table only sits 6 people, whether we want to or not, that's why it seem to make sense to invite our married friends (both his side and mine).

for me the problem is stressing the couples nature of the event when the real issue is this is a person you didn't want to invite and now want to snub

I totally understand why you don't want her and think your friend was a doink for inviting her --- but it isn't about couples really -- it is about you saying yes to something you didn't want to do -- the time to make the 'couples' point was with your friend 'this is a party just for couples Fred and I are close to --it isn't a big drop in party -- you will have to tell Slutina that this isn't going to work, that I said no to adding guests'

of course now the cats out of the bag and all of us have allowed ourselves to be pushed into something at one time or another that we shouldn't have -- so at this point you do have to suck it up and be a friendly host -- and next time say what you mean when someone like your tactless friend tries something like this

[Lady Vavasour]

Why didn't you just tell your friend that it is a couple-only event and unsuitable for a single person? Without getting into the politics of couple-only events, it seems like a fair enough excuse.

I agree, though, that now that you've invited her, you have to make her feel welcome. Maybe you could invite another single friend to help out (I know, it's annoying, but then you did get yourself into this situation by agreeing to invite her).

[tendereyes]

Giving the seating arrangements...it's going to be awkward for everyone. We have a small place and the only other table we have available is the small kiddie table for the kids. Well..that and the desk.

We're canceling the games that we had planned and sticking to just coffee afterwards. It's one thing if her friend was recently widow or her husband left her, but it's another when she instituted it...and I think my friend is losing some friends who are tired of her "babysitting" this friend.

Trouble was...I got caught on the spot. yes I should have said something, but that's just me...I was raised to be polite and considerate.

I didn't want to draw myself to her level since this caught me way off guard since she knew about this a month in advance and less than 5 days before the party, threw this my way.

So I was trying to be polite but wanted to find a tactful way to approach her, however given my husband doesn't really respect her friend, as polite as he will try to be, he also does not want to encourage her since she's pretty much have openly been with more than a few individuals that not only her husband was aware, but his friends and as another friend told me, she even had a DJ tell her to stop what she was doing (her husband's friend heard the DJ say some not flattering remarks) so we're wondering what my friend is even thinking to do that...

My friend has been calling all day "offering to give us a hand with preparation" so we're feeling she feel's guilty; That and her husband just called mine to apologize and that he is going to speak to his wife that "not everyone feels sorry for her friend".

However he realizes as we do...this friend has been invited..there is no place for her to sit for dinner and that wasn't a smart move to have invited her less than 5 days without..oh using logic why her friend whose not a friend of mine was not invited ; not to mention under the current circumstances.