Hostesses With The Mostest > Entertaining and Hospitality

Friend non-tactfully invited another friend

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tendereyes:
Unfortunately "damage" was done, but wanted to get some input on how to politely talk to a friend of mine about not doing this again.

Hubby and I decided to have a holiday party for people we directly know and associate with; We sent out the evites and have a pretty well known set number.

My friend whose a very close friend had called me early about Christmas cards, we talked and we hung up, no problem.

She then called me an hour later and basically said, "A friend of mine (hers) heard about the party you were having from someone else you invited and wanted to come and I told her I need to ask you first (), and then goes on this spill how her friend will have her kids (she cheated on her husband with several individuals and they are divorcing which is why we are keeping our distance and do not associate or want to associate with her due to both the soon to be nasty divorce and the cheating which we don't condone), and that she was feeling lonely, etc.

Basically through the whole story, I found out she told her friend, she could come and then tells me to "nudge nudge" be a good sport, to which I felt like directly saying "nudge nudge" that was in poor taste and uncall for because this was OUR house and not her call to be inviting people and then calling me to ask if it was okay although already putting me in a bad spot.

I told her, I'll see about sending her an invitation (via evite) and did so but without the customary greeting and in the invitation made sure it was clearly stated that this will be a COUPLES/Family affair, which was very un-tactful on my part and I regret I let my emotions of feeling, blindsided rule my judgement. Needless to say..she rsvp that she is coming.

My husband is already ticked at my friend and I'm just very very  :( at being put in a tight spot and plan on trying to find a civil and tactful way of telling her, for the future, there is a reason why we invited certain people to OUR party and it's not her place to be inviting and that it was not appreciate.

Anyway..I could use some ideas how to address my friend in a tactful way that would supercede some of the other scenarios I wouldn't mind doing but know I can't do. ::)

Xanthia, Maker of fine Tin-foil hats since 2007:
Just tell your friend "Do not do that again".  It is that simple, it may be a difficult thing for you to say, but please just do it.

I did this once and it did cost me a "friendship", but I feel I am better off without that person in my life.

Jellybean and I were having an open house and we invited "Sam".  Sam is a nice guy, but he was dating a married woman AND he knew we didnot approve.  This woman was married, had several children and no plans on leaving her husband because he was rich.  It was not an "open" relationship and Sam told us she wanted to get pregnant with Sam's baby.  The GF's husband had showed up SEVERAL times to places they were and caused a lot of trouble and the police had been involved more than once.  I told Sam that his GF was not invited PERIOD.

He felt that since Jellybean and I did not respect his relationship he could not be friends with us.  I wish him all the best, but I was not having that nonsense in my house.

There is nothing rude about being honest as long as you stick to the facts and do not embellish... just say "Friend, you put me in a really awkward situation and I do not appreciate it, do not do it again."

tendereyes:
Thank you!

It just really put me in an awkward feeling particularly since it was very apparent that this was a couple/family event; Two, we were the planners not she, and Three, I don't even know this girl nor desire to.

Feeling  around for a good moment when I can talk with her privately  about this and we feel she is aware of the faux paus (hope I spelt that correctly) that she committed due to her being skittish around me.

This was just completely tactless of her to do...It's different had it been something she was doing and even then...just because she didn't want her friend to be alone and felt for her...she shouldn't assume we all feel that way for someone we don't even know or care to know.

Added as an afterthought:

Given her friend won't call us or email us (which is fine and I really don't care, and you know what...she really wanted to come...she should have been the one to approach us anyway and risk being refused); I for one, am not going to call her or email her, and just give her the cold shoulder.

I don't think she even knows how to get here since I never have talked to her, given my number, etc. and I don't plan on extending anymore than what I've let myself get into. She's made it obvious she's coming and hubby and I said fine...but we won't contact her and open the door anymore than what is already open.

This is our home and her friend (mine) more or less is responsible for her now.

BurninDinner:
I agree with Xanthia.  You should've told your friend in the first place it's too bad she was so tactless but you can't help her out.  However, now you've got this person coming and there's no way around it. 

So you still have to be civil to her WHILE she's in your house (you can't give her the cold shoulder in your home), but do explicitly tell your friend not to invite people BEFORE she checks with you that it's OK.

tendereyes:
*nod* we've also gotten rid of the mistletoe and made it understood that no other guests are going to be allowed save whom we have invited .

A bit of the cold shoulder and it's actually going to be harder since my husband plans on playing the bad guy and completely give the cold shoulder.

Added:

LOL..we're still doing couple only games so that's not going to change so what she chooses to do then..is really her choice...We invited NO single people so it's only married couples and she'll be the only single person.

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