Friend non-tactfully invited another friend

[MineralDiva]

Unfortunately, you DID issue this person an invitation.  Whether you were guilted into it or not.  She RSVP'd that she would be coming...making things doubly awkward, since she didn't take the hint. 

I don't see that you have much choice than to be the gracious hostess here.  The time to really say what you meant, was when the friend called to tell you that this person wanted to attend the party.  What's done is done...however it was done...this time.

But in the future, I would make it abundantly clear that the guest list is NOT open to "interpretation."  No matter how "lonely" someone else may be, or who feels sorry for them.

[Minmom3]

Tendereyes -

Don't forget to let Sue know that you don't WANT to know Joan and her husband any better, based on Joan's past behavior.  Don't like what you've seen her do before, you don't want any part of her morals or lack thereof, and you don't want her in your home, Christmas or no Christmas! If Sue wants to have someone in her circle and in her home who feels that attempting to latch on to other women's husbands is perfectly acceptable behavior, then Sue can entertain Joan without you, but Joan isn't welcome in YOUR HOME.  Joan's behavior is offensive to you and to your friends, and there's no reason to have her around you and your friends, because you AREN'T FRIENDS, and not likely to become so.

Sue is nuts for wanting this woman around her.

ETA:
Well, now that I've finally finished the entire 9 pages of thread, I see my suggestion is beside the point, because you're 'done' with Sue and Joan both.  I'm really glad about that, because it sounds like it would only have gotten more preposterous and ugly, and wasn't the sane kind of friendship normal grownups have!

[tendereyes]

Unfortunately, you DID issue this person an invitation.  Whether you were guilted into it or not.  She RSVP'd that she would be coming...making things doubly awkward, since she didn't take the hint. 

I don't see that you have much choice than to be the gracious hostess here.  The time to really say what you meant, was when the friend called to tell you that this person wanted to attend the party.  What's done is done...however it was done...this time.

But in the future, I would make it abundantly clear that the guest list is NOT open to "interpretation."  No matter how "lonely" someone else may be, or who feels sorry for them.

Thank you and Minmom and everyone else who has continued to reply and offer very insightful advice about this trainwreck...Lol

I don't think I'm going to have any future etiquette problems of this matter...I no longer speak to Sue and Joan has joined the group and from what I was told..the two of them have gone on and invited the other moms to parties (no husbands allowed) and Joan has said nothing about being reconciled and when she has gone out, forgotten to wear her wedding ring and mention she was married...

No longer a part of that playgroup either, and one mom who has contacted me on and off has expressed "curiousity" why Sue seems to be spending less time with her family even having Joan and others over on a Sunday afternoon for "drinks and breakfast " and the mom left quickly when non-legal items were brought out and smoked...so I'm glad to be away from that...I've heard that since I've left and Joan has been on...the playgroup has "died" considerable with people not getting together like they use to and Joan and Sue posting more and more about events that are non-mom related and more party/get drunk related.

In addition, her children are not allowed at certain places now because of their excess bullying...so with hindsight...I don't think no matter what I had done, things will have worked out...even had I been the gracious host, I feel there would have been problems either way.

She's made no "public" at least of what happen....though I'm sure privately it's different.

It was the case of being friends with someone I don't feel I can even call a mom and she appeared to have a hidden addiction problem that is being manifest all the more now....This does scare me about trying to strike up friendships with other parents though and makes me wonder if anything is sacred anymore?

She was a thirtysomething year old mother that I initially met at a kid event; Clean dressed, someone you would pass in the street without thinking twice about, and that hurts there...that what I thought was a "normal" mom resulted in this mess.

All the others whom we had invited and then had to send cancellation notice did not respond in kind, and instead have been gracious and invited us to their events instead (don't worry...didn't pull a Sue on them..lol).

I feel that I was dealing with someone who was not only immature, but lack grace, common sense, judgment and from how I have heard the playgroup decline, other things that I wish I knew then and I wouldn't have invited her and her husband either...I strongly feel that I will not have to deal with anything in this proportion...as my husband puts it..."It's not normal for after a party cancellation for someone to persist we continue having it and then commence to bullying...that's a sign something is way out of the norm."

[ccnumber4]

Tendereyes:  count your blessings you are rid of her and move on to more productive relationships. 

[tendereyes]

Tendereyes:  count your blessings you are rid of her and move on to more productive relationships. 

Most definetley *Hugs* Appreciate it..*Hugs*

[sammycat]

I had a feeling once Joan became involved with the playgroup that it would start to fall apart.  You are well rid of Sue if she is now involved in drugs.  My guess is that they were going to bring these drugs to your party.  Definitely had a lucky escape there!

[Twik]

Sorry to drift a bit off topic, but "drinks and breakfast"?? In the afternoon? Even a pot party sounds tame compared to that!

[tendereyes]

Sorry to drift a bit off topic, but "drinks and breakfast"?? In the afternoon? Even a pot party sounds tame compared to that!

The other mom showed me the posts and it's just really nothing to what I saw when I was in the group originally.

She's asked me if sue's approached me about this and that and it's taken a lot to get my jaw off the ground and what's interesting is that this has started to happen since Joan's join the group.

[caranfin]

I love this story (because it didn't involve me  ). I had to register just to reply.

Everything Sue did reveals that she *knew* it was wrong of her to issue the invitation. First, her first sheepish admission where she cajoled you into "being a good sport" - why would she phrase it that way, if inviting guests to someone else's party were the norm? It would be like saying "Come on, be a good sport and let me use your bathroom while I'm at your party." If it's understood and universally accepted, one doesn't have to be a "good sport" about it. (Also, unless you happen to live in a bar, I believe it's understood and universally accepted that any gathering is private unless the host specifies otherwise. But I'm preaching to the choir here.) Then, her insistence that you "keep this on the DL" (what is she, 12?), which again, she would never do if she believed *you* were the one behaving poorly. And finally, her childish swing the other way, where she goes overboard in insisting how wrong you are! How very, very, wrong! Methinks the lady doth protest too much, don't you?

Anyway, great soap opera, glad you're rid of the both of them.

[BabyJane]

At this point i think you need to 'just grin and bear it'.

[tendereyes]

I found out some interesting information today...I recently started up a new playgroup and it's going great...9 members since Friday which is a fast start...2 of the members are original moms and they had drifted over and today I was at a playdate with one of them and they gave me some "interesting news"...

Basically...they were familiar with Sue and turns out Sue has been kicked out of a prior club before due to "political issues" as she put it...and this member "Sally" told me how Sue and Joan ganged up on her when they heard she was going to go back to work....

Joan told Sally, that she )Sally) was a "bad mother" for abandoning her husband and kids to go back to work and that she (Joan) would NEVER do a horrible thing like that....and needless to say...this destroyed Sally, making her think she was a horrible person (her not Joan), until it came around FAST on the grapevine what Joan had done (moving out and leaving her husband and kids behind to live in downtown to go partying)..Then in another incident...Sue announced a playdate for everyone to meet...and when Sally went to arrive...Sue AND Joan had cancelled the event at the last minute and didn't bother to notify anyone...

Sally went on to tell me that people are leaving the group and were upset at Sue and Joan and until she (Sally) had talked to me and found out what had happen and why I was no longer dealing with Sue, she (Sally) had thought she was the only one and had felt terrible till then...

But she reassured me that I wasn't the first...they did it to her and Sue was kicked out, not removed or asked to leave, but kicked out of the other group.

[sammycat]

Seems as though Sue and Joan were made for each other.

The fact that they think a mum working outside of the home is not okay but that leaving your husband and children so that you (general you) can go partying, and who knows whatever else, is okay, just goes to show how screwed up Joan and Sue are.

I'm glad your new playgroup is going well.