Author Topic: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend  (Read 18808 times)

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tendereyes

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2006, 06:44:51 PM »
Why didn't you just tell your friend that it is a couple-only event and unsuitable for a single person? Without getting into the politics of couple-only events, it seems like a fair enough excuse.

I agree, though, that now that you've invited her, you have to make her feel welcome. Maybe you could invite another single friend to help out (I know, it's annoying, but then you did get yourself into this situation by agreeing to invite her).

My friend knew for a month this was a couples only and so she invited her friend (because she felt sorry for her that her husband is divorcing her for her affairs), because she didn't want her friend to "feel lonely".

Sorry...we really don't know any single people, plus, her friend is still married, so we just don't want to get an innocent party involved, know what I mean?

kckgirl

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2006, 07:01:39 PM »
Quote
Trouble was...I got caught on the spot. yes I should have said something, but that's just me...I was raised to be polite and considerate.

Our upbringing sometimes makes it a bit difficult for us, doesn't it? Most of us were raised to be polite and considerate, but you still don't have to let people walk over your values and morals in order to be polite. It's too late to change things for this time, but perhaps you could start practicing (in front of a mirror...it really helps) saying "No, that won't be possible" or "I'm sorry, but I cannot do that" or something very similar to that so that if a situation like this comes up again, it's already in your repertoire. You don't need to give a reason and can be a broken record if you're asked why it's not possible/can't be done.

I'm pretty sure you won't let your friend get away with this again, but try to find an occasion to mention it to her so she won't even try it. It's not your responsibility to entertain her lonely friends, especially when they're lonely of their own doing.
Maryland

kingsrings

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2006, 07:04:38 PM »
I think this whole noah's ark thing is a bit weird -- if one of your friends is widowed does she fall off your social calendar and not get to play little reindeer games?

big mistake to have caved in and invited this woman -- your tactless friend should have been told no and charged with making clear that she spoke too soon  but you know that now -- don't let someone bully you into a mistake like this again

now YOU have invited her and it is very tacky to then treat her badly  YOU INVITED HER -- it would be the height of bad taste for your husband to snub her since YOU INVITED HER

you will need to organize games in such a way that being joined at the hip to one's spouse is not a requirement  -- 

I don't think that there is anything wrong with having specific-only parties sometimes. Singles only, marrieds only, whatever. Some activities and social situations are only specific to one group of people, such as playing the couples games at this poster's party. For another instance, my single friends and I have a Valentine's Day party every year, and it's singles-only. It's our own way of having fun together since we don't have SO's. Since that is the point of the party, of course we wouldn't invite any marrieds.

ZipTheWonder

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2006, 09:10:49 PM »
Tread softly..you DID send her an invite, even if you did not want to, purposefully making her feel unwelcome and uncomfortable in your home would be IMHO worse than your friend fishing for the invite.  If your husband so strongly objects she should NOT have been invited, but she was "invited" now it is time for everyone to play nice.

I totally agree.  Once you have (albeit, begrudgingly) agreed to host her, you must treat her as a guest.  If you can't do it, it would be less egregious to call and let her know you cannot accomodate her at your party.  To do anything else would be to behave in a way that is far worse than either your friend or the woman she asked you to invite.


gjcva1

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2006, 09:13:43 PM »
Sorry...we really don't know any single people, plus, her friend is still married, so we just don't want to get an innocent party involved, know what I mean?

tendereyes, i really don't have anything helpful to add, this is just dreadful for you. 

but i did want to support you in agreeing with you that not wanting to involve an innocent party, even if you DO know a single man.  especially considering the history of your added guest.  ::)

blarg314

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #20 on: December 12, 2006, 05:55:18 AM »

I would say that the couples vs singles party part is irrelevant - the OP organised a party with a small, specific guest list partially based around dinner at a small table and playing games that involved pairs - so requiring an even number of people.  It wasn't a large guest list holiday party, or a casual drop in event.  Her friend then attempted to shoehorn someone else in, which would throw off the plans for the activities and the setup for the meal.  The OP would be well within her rights to not have been guilted into extended the invitation.

However, once the invitation has actually been issued, it's not fair to deliberately set out to make a guest uncomfortable when they arrive, regardless how you feel about them or their lifestyle. It's probably worth bringing up the issue with the friend who instigated it, however. 


ShadesOfGrey

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #21 on: December 12, 2006, 09:41:03 AM »

Basically through the whole story, I found out she told her friend, she could come and then tells me to "nudge nudge" be a good sport, to which I felt like directly saying "nudge nudge" that was in poor taste and uncall for because this was OUR house and not her call to be inviting people and then calling me to ask if it was okay although already putting me in a bad spot.

My husband is already ticked at my friend and I'm just very very  :( at being put in a tight spot and plan on trying to find a civil and tactful way of telling her, for the future, there is a reason why we invited certain people to OUR party and it's not her place to be inviting and that it was not appreciate.

I think you have answered your own questions - the first paragraph is what you *should have* done (while you were in the situation, but you know that) and the second paragraph clearly states what you *should* say now.  Sounds civil and tactful to me.

BTW - my *words* are not meant to be instructive (ie "you should ahve done XXX, what were you thinking?!"), but just illustrative of the fact that I think you answered your own question.  After re-reading the post to myself, it isnt coming off the way I intended, but I cant figure out how else to say what I mean, so please just know my post doesnt presume me to be condescending, just helpful. 

ETA: Wow, I should have read the whole thread first (I almost always do).  Sounds like you already ahve your answer and then some.  I think it was wise to cancel the 'couples' games, if ony for the other couples that will notice the VERY awkward situation of leaving someone out.  You did make your bed and now you have to lie in it, but it sounds like your "polite upbringing" has also already told you that.  This will also inform you on how to approach your friend to not do it again. 

That being said, I agree with the poster (I am sorry, I never remember names!) who said that a firm "I am sorry, that will not be possible" is NOT a rude response.  Setting boundaries is NOT rude.  After reading the whole thread this time (Unless someone posted while I typed this!), I think this is the key issue here.  Take note, and take heart, it is simply one party, and now you have a valuable lesson learned.  (Sounds like you may even have more opportunity to practice setting boundaries with this friend!)

good luck!
« Last Edit: December 12, 2006, 09:56:24 AM by rdge »
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

tendereyes

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #22 on: December 12, 2006, 12:20:16 PM »
Definetely appreciate the advice of everyone...Well called up my friend (Friend A) about her Friend (Friend C) and well here's the gist of things so far:

Well good news and bad news.

Good news: I finally talked to "Sue" and she apologized and said she understood and appreciate me talking to her about that and ask casually how many couples I thought would be intending, etc.

Bad News: She never mention anything about uninvting her friend so hubby and I talk and we're going to be grit teeth gracious and just deal with it. 

Neutral News: I talked to a mutual friend of my friend and I and she (we'll call her Mary) understood and was going to talk to my friend, we shall call her "Sue to save typing, and get a feeling from "Sue" to see if "Joan" (uninvited friend) would come or not.

Mary understood the dilemna and went...you're in a really bad spot and  Sue has left you hanging now about if "Joan" is planning to attend and best thing is just hope "Joan" will not come since, as "Mary" continued in our conversation," Joan, does not even really know you or your husband and the only purpose of "Joan" being there is for the comfort of "Sue" and honestly "Tendereyes, that's not your job to be "Joan's" comfort.

She went on that she was going to talk to "Sue" and explain to her that ,"Look, you can do this at your own home but Sue, you have to remember that doesn't go the same for other homes and other people really do have different ways of doing this and plus this is the holidays and right now is just not a "kosher" time to include your friend. Wait till after the divorce and she gets her life together, but right now is NOT social time and is really hurting not only friends but "JOan" as well."

Not to mention... Mary made a good point, This is just not smart. We don't know "Joan and this is NOT the time to play get to know. All we know is what she has done and the right thing, is let things play out and if we want to get to know "Joan" later fine, but this isn't the bright way to do things. If anything, it's a recipe for disaster.

And my friend "Mary" is right. Looking from that perspective..."Joan" made her bed and has to lay in it...On top of that, she is going to have to deal with a lot of stigma as well and this is not going to help make things better. If anything "Sue" is just aiding to make things worse. It's bad enough "Joans" husband and kids lives were torn apart..."

The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions.

So I'm going to hear from "Mary" and get an idea of how things go. "Mary" was telling me that she's already had to tell  "Sue" to keep her distance with "Joan from her (Mary) family, already, due to Joan hitting on Mary's husband.

So I may have some leverage there which would be helpful...I hope.

If Joan shows up, great and Sue knows she goofed and she did apologized although she left me hanging with the stick so to speak.

Mary admitted she would be surprised if Joan shows up since she doesn't know me or my hubby and if she did, well she is only going to hurt her reputation more because this shows a lack of respect and self esteem on her part and Sue needs to realize it's not like Joan is recently widow or a single parent or her husband had left her, rather Joanabandon her husband and kids openly and commit more than one single act and didn't care that the world knew and not that she is getting divorce, the "pity me" doesn't wear well and that "Sue" is only enabling and hurting "Joan" and herself.

Mary went on and said, Joan has already destroyed her own family and right now she (Joan) is dealing with a lot of not so good emotions and it's not right to be expecting anyone to be involved with that.

« Last Edit: December 12, 2006, 12:48:55 PM by tendereyes »

sparksals

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #23 on: December 12, 2006, 12:39:32 PM »
I'm sorry, my head is spinning trying to keep A, B and C straight.  Could you possibly edit with pseudonyms like Jane, mary and Sally so your post isn't so  confusing? I made it to the end of neutral news and had to stop. 

tendereyes

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #24 on: December 12, 2006, 12:44:47 PM »
Lol..sorry :)

Hopefully this helps clear things out.

Basically "Mary" is going to help me feel the waters to see if "Joan" will show up and she's hoping "Joan"will have sense not to, and went...we really can't uninvite her, which is true, but on the other hand, Joan does not know us and never really have talked to us before all this so she would be surprised if Joan does show up since she is basically going to a stranger's house but then went...well considering the events that led to her divorce, if she was brazen to do that, she's brazen to do this.

Anyway, Mary wanted to talk to "sue" about things and just let her know that this wasn't very polite or tactful. Mary had been invited but canceled along with another couple due to "Joan", and felt that "Sue" should learn that it's okay for her to be laidback, but not take it upon herself to invite Joan or anyone to other people's homes if she wants to keep having friends.

Another reason too was Mary is planning an event and is worried about Sue doing the same to her like she did to me and felt Sue needs to realize, her and Joan are not set at the hip and unless she wants her own marriage to fail and lose friends...there's a time and place for everything and this isn't the place to involve strangers in "consoling" Joan.

« Last Edit: December 12, 2006, 12:54:04 PM by tendereyes »

gjcva1

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #25 on: December 12, 2006, 01:25:54 PM »
Anyway, Mary wanted to talk to "sue" about things and just let her know that this wasn't very polite or tactful. Mary had been invited but canceled along with another couple due to "Joan", and felt that "Sue" should learn that it's okay for her to be laidback, but not take it upon herself to invite Joan or anyone to other people's homes if she wants to keep having friends.

Another reason too was Mary is planning an event and is worried about Sue doing the same to her like she did to me and felt Sue needs to realize, her and Joan are not set at the hip and unless she wants her own marriage to fail and lose friends...there's a time and place for everything and this isn't the place to involve strangers in "consoling" Joan.



okay, Mary and her husband, and another couple has cancelled because of Joan.  how many people, besides Sue, her husband, and Joan, are attending?  if it's the majority of the party, i might give some thought to cancelling.  and i'm not sure i would invite Sue when i rescheduled. 

Mary is right, it certainly isn't your responsibility to "console" Joan.  and if Mary has already experienced problems with Joan hitting on HER husband......well, that would be enough of a red flag for me.

ZipTheWonder

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #26 on: December 12, 2006, 02:51:50 PM »
I might be missing something, but it sounds like there is sort of a long chain of people carrying information between yourself and Joan.  Why couldn't you speak directly to Joan or to the person who invited?

tendereyes

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #27 on: December 12, 2006, 03:12:53 PM »
 I've already spoken to the person who invited Joan but she doesn't want to be the one to uninvite her .

I on the other hand have no idea who Joan is. We've never really met as in..getting together, have lunch, etc.. I don't have her number, know where she lives, what she does, nothing. She doesn't even know our last name, nothing about us.

The one time I saw her was at Sue's party and Joan was openly telling everyone how she lied to her husband about her "exploits" and "erased evidence" and that he doesn't know the full story, to which she proceeded to tell everyone...I and everyone else also now know Joan lives an hour or so away from us and well...the not so polite details of her life that she loves to share with everyone because she can't figure out why people thinks it's so wrong. She married young and just wanted to live her life too (that's her reasoning), and it's not fair for her husband to be so non-understanding. She even tried to demonstrate to all of us the skirt that was so short it would put Britney Spears to shame and my husband remark was, She's unstable.

Beyond that...at the party and ever after, we have not bother to get her phone number to invite her for lunch...lol. Even then, we never talked to her and basically stayed in the corner with a group of other couples who were huddling there for protection...Lol.

Joan left very early that night and I heard that she had been trying to get close to one of the couple's husband.

Sue is basically getting everyone involved in Joan's cause because she feels sorry for Joan and doesn't want Joan to be "lonely" because "Sue can't understand how mean Joan's husband is for not understanding Joan was just sowing her roots, why is he filing for divorce due to adultery".

Mary has known Sue longer than I have and when Sue told Mary Joan was coming, Mary backed out because her husband was the one getting the "consoling" from Joan.


Which brings another good lesson..."First Impressions really does make a difference".


VorFemme

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #28 on: December 12, 2006, 03:23:37 PM »
***gurk***

Sounds like an emergency needs to come up - can someone's kids turn out to have been exposed to measles/mumps/rubella/chickenpox/strep(or other contagious disease of your choice that is making the rounds in your area) and the party will have to wait until AFTER the incubation period is over to avoid starting a mini-epidemic? 

With all the times I've gotten sick from people sending their kids to school the last two weeks before Christmas break with diseases that my kid(s) proceeded to bring home and give to ME - there are times when I want to crawl into a plastic bubble after Thanksgiving until after New Year's..........just to make sure I am not sick AGAIN for December.

Let's just say that there have been winters when antibiotics were a dietary supplement, if not a dietary staple, for VorFemme and family. 

Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

gjcva1

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Re: Friend non-tactfully invited another friend
« Reply #29 on: December 12, 2006, 03:24:53 PM »
Sue is basically getting everyone involved in Joan's cause because she feels sorry for Joan and doesn't want Joan to be "lonely" because "Sue can't understand how mean Joan's husband is for not understanding Joan was just sowing her roots, why is he filing for divorce due to adultery".

so tell me, did we manage to get the decorated clue x 4 out of the old board before it crashed?  if not, we need to make a brand new one, and possibly dedicate it to Sue.... :o