Friend non-tactfully invited another friend

[Lisbeth]

Tell your "friend," "Friend, we did not appreciate your telling anyone else they can come to our party.  In the future, if we extend you an invitation, it is for you alone and not to be extended to others.  Only we get to decide who is on our guest list.  That means no more nudge, nudge."

[tendereyes]

I've already have and she's getting reinforced by Mary whose dealing with the same thing from Sue and glad that someone's spoked up. Mary's basically I don't know this Joan well either, and I don't want to particularly after Joan seeking to be "console" by her husband.

I think the only clue Sue would get is if it happens to her personally...maybe then she can figure out why Joan isn't on everyone's top list to invite, rather they know her or not...

Even Mary was shocked at how brash and tactless Sue and Joan is particularly Sue knows Joan does not know us and "nudge nudge" why I haven't tried to get Joan's number to get to know her.

Ironically...Sue had asked earlier if we had invited my sil because get this...Sue doesn't know her and doesn't like the fact she's a Christian so Sue is very uncomfortable being around my sil and doesn't like have "religion" thrust on her....

[tendereyes]

***gurk***

Sounds like an emergency needs to come up - can someone's kids turn out to have been exposed to measles/mumps/rubella/chickenpox/strep(or other contagious disease of your choice that is making the rounds in your area) and the party will have to wait until AFTER the incubation period is over to avoid starting a mini-epidemic? 

With all the times I've gotten sick from people sending their kids to school the last two weeks before Christmas break with diseases that my kid(s) proceeded to bring home and give to ME - there are times when I want to crawl into a plastic bubble after Thanksgiving until after New Year's..........just to make sure I am not sick AGAIN for December.

Let's just say that there have been winters when antibiotics were a dietary supplement, if not a dietary staple, for VorFemme and family. 

We actually talked about canceling but then went...why are we canceling because of someone WE don't know. We are probrably going to end up with the option of uninviting and risk looking like *gasp* terrible people, but when weighing the two evils together...we think we can afford this stigmatism.

We're basically uninviting a stranger we never met, will never meet and unless we go to one of the frequent bars and clubs (which we're not), no chance of ever meeting...she doesn't live in town, near town or anyway that our paths will cross..and if she is going to be angry about strangers un-inviting her...then both her and Sue have got to wake up and get a grip of priorities and reality.

[Virg]

If there's a simple solution, it's this.  Since you had more than half of the guest list back out, tell Sue that the party has been cancelled.  Have Sue tell Joan.  Then, tell Mary, Sue and the other couple that the original party was cancelled, and that frees up your schedule for a party held coincidentally at the same time and place.  Make sure Sue doesn't pass the new invitation on to Joan.  Due to Joan's absence, I sense that Mary and husband, and the other couple, might find a gap in their schedule.

Sure, it's functionally the same as uninviting Joan, but honestly, it would be more rude to advise her why the guest backed out, or to have her to your house with just you two, Sue and husband, and her and risk your tempers getting out of hand.  Considering you have no contact with her socially and no desire to, I'd consider that a less risky proposition.

Virg

[Bob Ducca]

Agree with Virg...if guests you wanted to have are backing out because of the guest you didn't want, then cancel the party and reschedule.

Without the "nudge nudge" woman, if need be.

I think I get the logic behind "why reschedule over someone we don't like..." but, from the sound of it, the party you had envisioned is gone, anyway.  Just cancel and reschedule, for the same night if you like, but call it off.

Good luck!

[tendereyes]

It's been canceled. It's done...Joan sent me an email saying her and her husband was "reconciling" and both of them had plan on coming and sorry to hear that we felt that way...I'm in tears but this is what I get right?

[liz5037]

It sounds like you just dodged not one, but two uninvited guests.  It takes some nerve for her to have invited her husband in turn.  Hopefully you can reschedule and have the party you originally wanted to have, now that Joan is no  longer lonely.

Good luck! 

[gjcva1]

It's been canceled. It's done...Joan sent me an email saying her and her husband was "reconciling" and both of them had plan on coming and sorry to hear that we felt that way...I'm in tears but this is what I get right?

no, this isn't what you get!  you tried, against your better judgement, to carry out a party that was basically hijacked by a friend, on behalf of HER friend.  at your house!  where you deleted the games you planned on because you suddenly had an unplanned-for single woman!  who is prone to "console" other women's husbands!

reschedule your party, for the same night, with the same list of attendees, perhaps sans Sue and her husband.  Sue will possibly have to learn the hard way.  you, however, are off the hook.  let Joan and her husband have their period of reconcilliation.

and by the way, i'm not usually this mean.  it just irritates me that first Joan wanted to come to your party and finagled an invite, and NOW she's getting back with her husband, and apparently expects you to host him (and probably their children as it was billed as a family party) as well.  and these are all people that you don't even know!!! 

in the words of my step gramma, harumph!

[tendereyes]

We just got a very not so nice email saying we "HAVE" to invite Joan and her husband or else. Basically we are told to invite them to our personal party so we can "get to know them better".

There's a time and place for everything and last I checked, this was our party we were planning...LOL..so take notes from my situation right now of how NOT to have a party...sigh.

I wrote back with gritted teeth,

"It just felt like it was going more dramatic then it need to be and now she was inviting her husband as well and sending me the email; It went from my husband and I trying to hold a party to it feeling like it was being "hijack".

In addition, We feel like it was becoming less of our party from what it had intended and from our perspective...It was being held against us for being selective who to invite...there are people on his side that we didn't invite either but maybe in a different occassion we would have...

And the worse part, if it was going to be held against us that we couldn't have a say about our own party, that made us very uncomfortable and uncomfortable thinking it's not just people from this group we were inviting or not inviting.

I don't know Joan or her husband; In any other circumstances, it would be fine to take the time to get to know them then, but this was a private, personal party , my husband and I wanted to hold for the people closest to us that we knew.

So should I continue to invite Joan and her husband and be forced to get to know them at a party that the original guest list did not include them for no other reason, but we don't know them, no more there are people on my hubby's side we didn't invite because not only do we not know them but this was not intended to be an open party.

I feel like I have no say about my own party and that really hurts there.
People coming here would be more than just people I know from the group. It got to the point, DH and I went, if we can't be comfortable and hold our own party, for the sake of emotions and sanity; It's safer to just cancel."

Basically my husband said, if they want to act like that...maybe they can find a high school party they can attend in lieu of coming to our home.

This is a great example of a etiquette disaster.

[gjcva1]

We just got a very not so nice email saying we "HAVE" to invite Joan and her husband or else. Basically we are told to invite them to our personal party so we can "get to know them better".

There's a time and place for everything and last I checked, this was our party we were planning...LOL..so take notes from my situation right now of how NOT to have a party...sigh.

I wrote back with gritted teeth,

"It just felt like it was going more dramatic then it need to be and now she was inviting her husband as well and sending me the email; It went from my husband and I trying to hold a party to it feeling like it was being "hijack".

In addition, We feel like it was becoming less of our party from what it had intended and from our perspective...It was being held against us for being selective who to invite...there are people on his side that we didn't invite either but maybe in a different occassion we would have...

And the worse part, if it was going to be held against us that we couldn't have a say about our own party, that made us very uncomfortable and uncomfortable thinking it's not just people from this group we were inviting or not inviting.

I don't know Joan or her husband; In any other circumstances, it would be fine to take the time to get to know them then, but this was a private, personal party , my husband and I wanted to hold for the people closest to us that we knew.

So should I continue to invite Joan and her husband and be forced to get to know them at a party that the original guest list did not include them for no other reason, but we don't know them, no more there are people on my hubby's side we didn't invite because not only do we not know them but this was not intended to be an open party.

I feel like I have no say about my own party and that really hurts there.
People coming here would be more than just people I know from the group. It got to the point, DH and I went, if we can't be comfortable and hold our own party, for the sake of emotions and sanity; It's safer to just cancel."

Basically my husband said, if they want to act like that...maybe they can find a high school party they can attend in lieu of coming to our home.

This is a great example of a etiquette disaster.

Or Else?  Or Else?  your house, your party, and it's or else? 

good for you, and good for your DH. you are NOT required to invite anyone into your home that you do not care to have there.  that's why it's YOUR home!  i assume this e-mail was from Sue.  good for her.  then she will not be invited to your home either.  i hope that she and Joan are very happy together.  invite Mary with her husband, and the other couple who declined when they heard that Joan was invited, and enjoy your party.

and ignore that stupid e-mail!  anyone who would send that, and demand that you invite someone into your home that neither you nor DH want there is no friend.  let HER entertain them!

[tendereyes]

It was from Sue who couldn't believe we were so "ungrateful and rude"...Ungrateful and rude because we wouldn't let a party at our home, that we plan go out of control.

We were told , we should have "specify" it was a private party...Considering we sent out RSVP's to specific people a month ago, and then did followups and another followup,  specifiying everything from what we were serving, to the games that we went and cancel, to even dress...how more specific could we have been, other than personally going to each home and reading and signing their invitations for them?

I can handle that faux paus so to speak.

If we were having to invite Joan and her husband then whose next...How do we not know that Joan and her husband might "know someone themselves that they want to invite" and oh, what if Sue wanted to invite someone else...and if we don't invite them...off the friend's list we go then?

Where does it end?

If they want to have that type of party...they can have it on their own time and place...basically what amazes me is that this is really a classless and tasteless act of their own.

When does it end?

When we eventually invite the whole party and who is going to pay for all this? Are they going to buy us a bigger house or more furniture to cater to them?

As much as I want to be a gracious host...they need to learn to be gracious guests too. If they are going to act like this now and be demanding...Heavens know how they will act on the day of the party.

And the funny and stupid part about me doing this? It was because I did it out of not wanting to hurt and offend Sue.

[tendereyes]

DH just pointed something out that didn't hit me till now...This whole thing was because Joan was going to be "alone"...then after the uninvite...it turns out she was reconciling with her husband and he was coming along too??

So how in a space of a few days this all happen...and maybe was Joan planning on bringing someone to pass off as her husband or maybe a date and now got caught so now she's doing the emotional blackmail of I'm back with my husband to qualify for the party, since I've NEVER met the man or now what he look like.

So that means..our party would have went  from a holiday party to a reconciliation party on our time, space and money?

[willow08]

Basically through the whole story, I found out she told her friend, she could come and then tells me to "nudge nudge" be a good sport,

That would really irritate me. You do not invite people to my hosue without permission and then call me a bad sport when I react badly. You're a bigger person than I because I would not allow someone who I didn't know (other than hearing about her extramarital exploits) in my home just because they were feeling lonely as the result of their own misbehavior. Let's not even go into the fact that she's bringing her kids too.

I think I'd re-evaluate my relationship with said "friend." Does she frequently put the feelings and needs of others ahead of yours?

[tendereyes]

If you believe the email at this rate..Joan has reconciled with her husband and is "no longer lonely"...which means that I may have just been played the world's biggest sucker to either pay and host someone's reconciliation party or was going to be the site of someone's clandistane (I mis-spelled that didn't I) meeting.

[gjcva1]

It was from Sue who couldn't believe we were so "ungrateful and rude"...Ungrateful and rude because we wouldn't let a party at our home, that we plan go out of control.

you are rude to not let a party that you were hosting in your home to be taken over by someone else? and can you please ask Sue exactly how you were ungrateful to not want to invite HER friend to your party?  if Sue is so very concerned about Joan, she can be the hostess of her own party. let's call it this week's reconcilliation party.

We were told , we should have "specify" it was a private party...Considering we sent out RSVP's to specific people a month ago, and then did followups and another followup,  specifiying everything from what we were serving, to the games that we went and cancel, to even dress...how more specific could we have been, other than personally going to each home and reading and signing their invitations for them?

since you invited only certain people, expecting and receiving RSVPs, this WAS a private party.  party in a private home=private party.  what else did you need to say?
I can handle that faux paus so to speak.

no faux pax yet on your part that i can see

And the funny and stupid part about me doing this? It was because I did it out of not wanting to hurt and offend Sue.

Sue doesn't seem to feel the same obligation to you. i'm sorry for that.  she was rude to trick you to invite her little friend Joan.  but she calls you rude?  please do invite her to post her side here.  bet she doesn't.  because she'll get her etiquette butt kicked. 

just proof that no good deed goes unpunished.