Friend non-tactfully invited another friend

[tendereyes]

If she is still talking to me.

It would explain the fact she's been avoiding me since asking me to invite Joan. Normally she would call me each day or drop an email, but since springing it on me, she was acting very meek and hard to reach.

Even today I wasn't able to reach her at all and that's not normal and she cancel a playgroup that  was preplanned...

I feel like buying her a book of etiquette as a gift.

Though if she does try to say anything later, I would be, hey, don't believe me...here's a link to post your question and see what others say.

[willow08]

We just got a very not so nice email saying we "HAVE" to invite Joan and her husband or else. Basically we are told to invite them to our personal party so we can "get to know them better".

Or else what? You need to drop Sue like a hot potato.

[tendereyes]

We have; She and Joan sent an email stating we have to be more "specific" in our invitations.

Basically we have a headache. These are just classless, tasteless people who are out to use us and Sue is showing her true colors.

Nothing's more rude than someone sending a letter or email stating, well we have big parties because we feel the more the merrier so we assume you should to. They assume wrong. This is not their house.

Sue added that receiving an invitation with an RSVP and with it stating, her, her husband and her kids was not specific enough to let her know she couldn't invite whomever she wanted and that it didn't say specifically on the invitation only her and not her group of friends (yes she said that) were not invited and it was our fault for not being specific.

I sent a tert reply asking her to leave us alone; The party is canceled; we are not event planners nor do we own a club and that when a party is cancelled it is done with and that includes everyone. No further issues and if she perpetuates it, she shows she cared more about using us, and hijacking the party and is trying to make an issue of nothing.

She went on to say if Joan was with her husband would we had invited them then, and I said, "No, we wouldn't" .

This is not the time or place and maybe at a different event but not this one.

I didnt lose a friend. I lost a classless, tasteless, individual who represents a portion of society who lacks NO manners.

[tendereyes]

We received the following:

My husband and I have made it clear they are no longer welcome at our home; What was outrageous was the fact that they are basically wanting us to invite this now couple to our home or else and if we don't  we're in the wrong.

This just degenerated into pure tasteless lack of class and respect. They shoved their welcome out the door and provided a good example of how not to behave as friends or guests.

Here's the letter I receive this morning:


There is so much that is not being seen by everyone. No one meant to make it such a big deal. The world doesn't revolve around Joan and frankly - she needs to understand that it was an intimate gathering. I don't think anyone realized that it was what you and Husband had planned it to be. As for Sue she can speak for herself, but I can tell you that she as indifferent as I am. She knew it wasn't just a Mom's group party. She felt awkward because Joan went to her about it after hearing about the party somewhere else and when she asked you about it, your response was okay. Had she been told from the beginning that it was being limited to a certain number of people, she definately would have relayed that to Joan. And then Joan was apparently put on and then taken back off of the E-vite. So from what I have seen, it seems like there were some communication issues here. You're not being ostracized or anything like that. No one wanted to take over your party. It's just a matter of one person who was looking for a family party to go to and this one came up. She thought it was okay to show up and then realized it wasn't. Everyone will get over it.

Again - in the future when you throw a party that's exclusive of other people you really should make it clear. Around here, parties have the potential to get big because we all hang out and talk to each other. Most of us have a "more the merrier" sort of mentality so when we're talking about what we're doing for whatever night or weekend, the party prospects - especially those involving kids - tend to grow. That's why we all do the "bring your own booze" or food things. So just make it clear when you are going to invite a select group that your guests (at least -----ones) know it's closed. It's like passing out invitations at school - you gotta either bring one for everyone or mail them out because no one likes being left out. I know it's juvenile, but it's human nature, you know?


Apparently RSVP's, a personally sent invitation, you, your husband and children and "small party" wasn't clear enough that we weren't hosting a tailgate party

[gjcva1]

Sue added that receiving an invitation with an RSVP and with it stating, her, her husband and her kids was not specific enough to let her know she couldn't invite whomever she wanted and that it didn't say specifically on the invitation only her and not her group of friends (yes she said that) were not invited and it was our fault for not being specific.

so no one has clued Sue into the fact that an invitation addressed to her, her husband, and her children means that no on but her, her husband, and her children are invited, expected, or welcome?  unless Sue has legally adopted Joan and her husband, THEY WEREN'T INCLUDED!!!!!

i don't know how much more specific you could have been, tendereyes.

[gjcva1]

So just make it clear when you are going to invite a select group that your guests (at least -----ones) know it's closed. It's like passing out invitations at school - you gotta either bring one for everyone or mail them out because no one likes being left out. I know it's juvenile, but it's human nature, you know?

well there you go, the next time you see Sue and Joan coming in from the playground at the end of recess, you be sure to invite them BOTH home for milk and cookies after school, now.  don't want to be rude.   

tendereyes, i am so sorry this whole mess happened to you.  and you're right, you are well-rid of these classless clods.

[tendereyes]

We're not even bothering with them anymore or the subject. The party has been cancelled and they need to get the message it has been cancel and we are not resurrecting it for them. They have no sense of etiquette, tact or class.

The letter that they had the audacity to send, said it all.

They have to be the ulitmate guests from hell and I'm glad to have uninvited her friend (though a quarantee to e-hell that sends me..lol) and I'm glad to have canceled the party.

Just from the letter they sent was proof enough that no matter what I and my husband would have done had we continue with the party, it would not have been enough, save handing them our house keys, our wallets and our vehicles.

I could have been so gracious a host to win an award and I have a STRONG feeling it wouldn't have been enough for Joan or Sue.

[tendereyes]

Come to think of it..if we go by Sue..I owe everyone here an apology as well for not sending all of you here invitations and oh yes..the 50 so members of the mom's group she and I were in. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

Sue added that receiving an invitation with an RSVP and with it stating, her, her husband and her kids was not specific enough to let her know she couldn't invite whomever she wanted and that it didn't say specifically on the invitation only her and not her group of friends (yes she said that) were not invited and it was our fault for not being specific.

so no one has clued Sue into the fact that an invitation addressed to her, her husband, and her children means that no on but her, her husband, and her children are invited, expected, or welcome?  unless Sue has legally adopted Joan and her husband, THEY WEREN'T INCLUDED!!!!!

i don't know how much more specific you could have been, tendereyes.

True, but the OP did send Joan an e-vite and then retract that invitation. She has to deal with the consequences of that action (she said she would in a previous post, as the 'lesser of two evils,').  Yes it was rude and tacky for the friend to invite Joan, and even tackier still to berate tenereyes for not inviting 'everyone', and while I am sympathetic to the idea that tendereyes had sufficient reason to recind her invitation (she was really caught in a bad spot), this whole situation seems to have gotten pretty messy, pretty quickly. 

tendereyes, I am sorry this got so messy for you, and it sounds like you have learned a lesson about being firm from the get-go, and what kind of friend you have in Sue.  I hope that you dont have to deal with the repercussions of this for very long. 

ETA: I am still a little shocked that she was planning to bring her husband...again, I dont blame the OP, I just think that there were mis-steps all around (some more egregious than others!).

[tendereyes]

To be honest...it doesn't really bother us and we're actually glad it happen. It showed us their true characters...

We discussed that considering Joan was now including her husband (after leading us on the presumption she was "divorcing and alone") and didn't bother to mention he was coming (particularly so we could prepare place/food setting)...She and Sue basically had lied to us from the beginning.

Yes, I shouldn't have sent her the evite...but I am glad I retract it, because we have a feeling that they would have pushed even more on our hospitality with more "uninvites".

Theoretically..say Joan was still coming; What if we had invited a single person to accomadate her...She misled us on the presumption she was "alone". So we would have a bigger problem that was escalating...so all in all...I think this was meant to be to show how thoughtless, classless and rude Sue and Joan are.

So how much more gracious can I continue to be? We cancel couple games...theoritically if she was still coming, we invite a single to balance out her coming but then she shows up with her husband so now the single is without a date so to speak....

[gjcva1]

Come to think of it..if we go by Sue..I owe everyone here an apology as well for not sending all of you here invitations and oh yes..the 50 so members of the mom's group she and I were in. 

i'm glad that you realize that!  and what time is dinner? 

i'll be forwarding you the list of foods i like and dislike in a bit....

[tendereyes]

Come to think of it..if we go by Sue..I owe everyone here an apology as well for not sending all of you here invitations and oh yes..the 50 so members of the mom's group she and I were in. 

i'm glad that you realize that!  and what time is dinner? 

i'll be forwarding you the list of foods i like and dislike in a bit....

LOL...and don't forget to tell me exactly how YOU want the house arrange...color on the walls, what me and my husband are supposed to wear.

Oh and before I become any more of an un-gracious host, would you like to go over the telephone book of people you want over at our house...LOL.

[gjcva1]

LOL...and don't forget to tell me exactly how YOU want the house arrange...color on the walls, what me and my husband are supposed to wear.
Oh and before I become any more of an un-gracious host, would you like to go over the telephone book of people you want over at our house...LOL.

oh i'm not terribly fussy.  it won't be necessary for your husband to rent a tux, and i think sequins are really tacky, so please don't wear anything with sequins on it! 

[tendereyes]

Lol..I have had someone tell me that my DH should be mad at me for all this starting and he was basically...considering our guest even after the event was canceled has been arguing and pushing against not only just "no" but everything we were doing...this was just a sign we had to cancel and break our friendship...it reminded me of a thread here on this forum where someone try to invite their boyfriend along with them and everytime the host said no, the individual kept arguing with them trying to push them to say yes, eventually leading the host to tell them the party was cancel.

Unfortuantely there are individuals out there who are so determined to get their own way that "no" is not enough and in this case, "giving an inch had them screaming for a mile".

Sue's husband had the audacity to call my husband to "convince him to resume having the party and be a sport, re-invite Joan and her husband now and get to know them better", to which my husband told him to stop calling him, lose the number and "Hell no, you're wife may wear your pants but she doesn't wear mine and apparently you (Sue's husband) lost your etiquette book too" then hung up on him.

[ShadesOfGrey]

to which my husband told him to stop calling him, lose the number and "Hell no, you're wife may wear your pants but she doesn't wear mine and apparently you (Sue's husband) lost your etiquette book too" then hung up on him.

ha! that's hilarious.