Friend non-tactfully invited another friend

[tendereyes]

At least you now know that these people are unhinged, and can avoid contact with them in the future.  I'd suggest not answering any more emails and, if you have call display, not answering their phone calls either. They'll just use any excuse to prolong the drama, and not responding is the best way to get it to stop.

You're right...and you hit it about the phone calls and emails...guess what me and my husband have been receiving all day today now...The "nutcase" is getting someone else to sending me emails and I'm fixing to send her an email telling her to stop.

She wrote now:

Long time no see. I felt like I ought to say "Hi." Things got a little awkward a few days ago, and I'm sort of glad you cancelled the party since it put me in such a bad position with Joan.  She had heard about the party from (now she is saying someone else), and she seemed really excited about going to a family thing with her kids (and hubby?)   
 
I hadn't told her she couldn't come yet when she called and told me that she had been removed from the Evite. I was a little shocked since I didn't know she had been Evited already. That doesn't really seem like a good way to keep friends, especially when she's good friends with so many of us.
 
I'm not mad at you, and I hope you aren't upset with me, but I afraid that there might be a little tension for you and Joan (which isn't that bad since your paths don't cross that much.) I hope in time you guys can patch it up. This isn't a Mom's Group thing, so don't feel shy about the group. Noone knows what happened except those involved. We could probably keep it on the DL and not make it into a big deal.
 
How are you and your husband ? Still going to have a little office shindig, at least?


Seriously, I feel like our party maybe a cover for something else and that I really feel that her and Joan were planning to use us as an alibi and now that's blown.

Do you think at this point I should tell her any other email transactions will be consider as harassment?

[sweedetobee]

"we could probably keep it on the DL" Um excuse me but that's just rude. If she shares this story with ANYONE and it comes back to you just say "Yes, it was unfortunate that someone extended an invitation to someone else without asking me first" and never say more than that. Be the bigger person.

Now, just my opinion - but it seems like this has taken up way too much of your time already.

1) Don't respond at all. You will see her when you see her. That works as long as you don't want to be her friend at all anymore. Which I'm not sure if that affects your Mom's Group?
1a) you can even block her emails to you or at least set up a "rule" to put them directly into your Trash folder

2) Send her a SHORT email saying that yes, things were awkward and that it was indeed unforutnate that you were put on the spot with an uninvited guest. You wish you had said NO from the beginning and just nipped it in the bud but unfortunately that did not happen and only later on did really think about what happened and then learn that other guests would actually cancel if Joan were to be there. However as you have no interest in becoming friends with Joan you are not terribly upset about it - only upset about your time today which was wasted. That's it. Nothing more. You could say it better than me, but really don't even take the time to repond in a lengthy email.
2a) Just make sure that whatever you put in an email will be something that you don't mind being forwarded around - I wouldn't put it past this woman...

Edited to add - you know what? in my point 2 I would have also said that "It is unforunate that people were talkign about a party in front of someone who was clearly NOT on the Evite list.  It is also unfortunate that Joan thought she could invite herself to any event and even more unfortunate that she thought she could invite her children to what was clearly an adults only evening.  If DH and I ever host another event to which you are invited, please discourage anyone else from inviting themselves."

[tendereyes]

I think your advice to not answer it will be better, plus does it look like she is just looking for more drama?

She's already put herself in a bad position where if someone asks why the party was cancel, the fact someone SHE knew was uninvited wouldn't make sense so she's basically in a hole that she can't recover from gracefully from the way the email appeared.

At this point, I'm SO afraid to talk to her, and definetely to contemplate answering any emails from her since it seems all she wants now at this point is continue attention.

It's basically lay low.

I'm even afraid if I try to reply with point 2, she's going to show up at our house irregardless...as to if she's ever shown behaviour like this before...uhm...nope which is why we are in a state of emotional distress.

There isn't even going to be anything this weekend and she is still asking if my husband and I are going to do a little office thingy!! What the!!

This is the guest from hell.

Even after a party has been cancelled and at this point I'm trying to avoid her, she isn't stopping.

Is there anything in the etiquette books that covers this?

[sammycat]

Sue is a complete and utter NUT JOB! She is the one to have made all the mistakes, yet she is trying, subtly, to put the blame onto you.  She is also obviously someone who thrives on (high school level) drama, as evidenced by the continual emails and phone calls.  She needs to grow up.

[tendereyes]

I'm just going to completely ignore her email, and have my husband answer the phone.

She has no clue whatsoever of reality and from the gist of the email, is sounding like it was her party and that I did HER a favor canceling OUR party!! What the!!

In all best interests and I'm wondering more...This is beyond pure questions of etiquette. As mention, I'm sending her emails to junk/ignoring them and having my husband answer the phone...

For someone to be so adament to try and cover up for someone I don't even know....something is going on and I don't want to be involved.

Sue has changed it from Joan hearing it from Sue to now Joan heard it from another person and now it seems like even hubby maybe have come (apparently Joan forgot to tell her)..

When stories don't collaborate with each other...I have too strong a feeling that both Joan and Sue are lying.

[sammycat]

When stories don't collaborate with each other...I have too strong a feeling that both Joan and Sue are lying.
[/quote]

You could be onto something there.

[VorFemme]

Do you think at this point I should tell her any other email transactions will be consider as harassment?

If this is someone you want to keep in touch with - tell her that you "just can't talk about it right now".  Heck - it might be YEARS before you recover from the trauma enough to talk about it socially.  Just keep letting us know - we'll call ourselves your guidance counsel or some such thing........

If she won't leave the subject alone, you might need to drop her entirely - at least for a few weeks..........say, until Easter.  Or May Day.......or.....

[tendereyes]

When stories don't collaborate with each other...I have too strong a feeling that both Joan and Sue are lying.

You could be onto something there.
[/quote]

Forgive me for extending this out...but my husband and I are really just baffled by their behaviour...Never have we had anyone extend something out like this, much less make such a big deal....and now this email...

This is beyond BAD etiquette now.

[gjcva1]

this is Un. Freaking. Believable!!!!!

You're right...and you hit it about the phone calls and emails...guess what me and my husband have been receiving all day today now...The "nutcase" is getting someone else to sending me emails and I'm fixing to send her an email telling her to stop.

she has other, uninvolved people, sending you e-mails?  this burns my biscuits!  i would send a polite e-mail, ccing the nutcase, asking her to stop sending you e-mails, as the situation is over and done with.  if this other party sends you any further e-mail, report it to your e-mail provider as spam and let the chips fall as they may.

She wrote now:

Long time no see. I felt like I ought to say "Hi." Things got a little awkward a few days ago, and I'm sort of glad you cancelled the party since it put me in such a bad position with Joan.  She had heard about the party from (now she is saying someone else), and she seemed really excited about going to a family thing with her kids (and hubby?)  
 
I hadn't told her she couldn't come yet when she called and told me that she had been removed from the Evite. I was a little shocked since I didn't know she had been Evited already. That doesn't really seem like a good way to keep friends, especially when she's good friends with so many of us.
 
I'm not mad at you, and I hope you aren't upset with me, but I afraid that there might be a little tension for you and Joan (which isn't that bad since your paths don't cross that much.) I hope in time you guys can patch it up. This isn't a Mom's Group thing, so don't feel shy about the group. Noone knows what happened except those involved. We could probably keep it on the DL and not make it into a big deal.
 
How are you and your husband ? Still going to have a little office shindig, at least?

what a totally load of bull huncky.  i feel like i need a shovel to save my shoes just reading what you pasted!  you don't even know Joan, don't want to, why would you patch things up?  Sue is obviously smoking something that isn't totally legal.

Seriously, I feel like our party maybe a cover for something else and that I really feel that her and Joan were planning to use us as an alibi and now that's blown.

Do you think at this point I should tell her any other email transactions will be consider as harassment?

I would tell her to cease and desist e-mails and phone calls, else i would report her mails as spam and the phone calls as harrassment.  but that's just me.  also support other suggestions to direct all e-mails straight to the trash folder.   we're going to support YOU in whatever you decide to do to cope with this.  and feel free to vent to me at any time, either here or in PM.

[tendereyes]

If this is someone you want to keep in touch with - tell her that you "just can't talk about it right now".  Heck - it might be YEARS before you recover from the trauma enough to talk about it socially.  Just keep letting us know - we'll call ourselves your guidance counsel or some such thing........

If she won't leave the subject alone, you might need to drop her entirely - at least for a few weeks..........say, until Easter.  Or May Day.......or.....

This is someone that at this point I don't want to keep in touch...this last email is beyond bad etiquette and really does worry me...Forgive me for extending this thread since original posting what happen, but this is just beyond being a bad guest...My husband and I are truly baffled now...why obsess if we are having another party...after just having to cancel one!! Why thank us for canceling a party that had nothing to do with them...something is just not fitting right...

I just never ever dealt with anyone like this...thanking me for canceling my own party...acting like I was Joan's best friend...something is just not right...I'm thinking dropping her till 3012 and even then I'll still be running...

[gjcva1]

Forgive me for extending this out...but my husband and I are really just baffled by their behaviour...Never have we had anyone extend something out like this, much less make such a big deal....and now this email...

This is beyond BAD etiquette now.

YOU aren't extending this out, she is, so please don't apologize to us.  and you're right.  it's past bad etiquette and well into harrassment, sliding towards stalking.  i'm sending good thoughts to you.

[tendereyes]

I think the best advice I've received is

1. Don't answer any emails-that's just going to encourage her

2. Husband has phone duty-She wants to drag this out for life only knows what and me answering it is encouraging to her

3. Anymore email and I'm going to start reporting as spam...she's up to something and no one in their right mind persists particularly about a long dead party much less if we are having one so soon; This email isn't an apology, it isn't about making things up...

4. Something is fishy. Why does she want me to know Joan so bad?

5. For what happen..she's not mad??!! and she wants to get together again for a playgroup...I don't trust her.

6. Email to the trash can...email to the trash can...wish there was someway I can make it look like my email was no longer working...seriously

[Curly Wurly Doggie Breath]

4. Something is fishy. Why does she want me to know Joan so bad?

*******************************************************************

Joan has the hots for either You or your Husband    

Seriously tho, I wouldn't spend the night at home, I would make sure I'm NOT at home, and the police have a heads up about possible trouble.
Do you really think at this stage of the game, they won't show up anyway

<<HUGS>> I am so sorry you are going though this.

Dragons8

[Moogle]

*******************************************************************

Joan has the hots for either You or your Husband    

That thought has crossed my mind when Sue insisted on you getting to know Joan better.

[tendereyes]

Same here; My husband snuck a peek (he's so nosy and also getting worried) at one of the emails that landed (still getting them since I last posted here) in the junk mail and I had received:

How would Joan have known it was a closed party? Apparently, no one realized it was. I didn't. There were others invited. Perhaps it was assumed that because you don't know her, you didn't think to include her, but maybe wouldn't mind including her.

*Jaw dropping*

What the....

My husband looked up Emily Post to make sure that we all weren't missing something and found this:
Source: http://emilypost.com/etiquette/special/RudenessAlertTheImpactofUnivitedGuests.htm

and I quote "Almost as rude as the people who show up with uninvited guests are those who try to bully the hosts into making exceptions..." and from another part of the paragraph "Invitations are addressed only to those who are invited. If the invitation says “Ms. Mary Smith,” only Mary is invited. If the invitation says “Ms. Mary Smith and Guest,” then Mary may bring a guest of her choosing. "

With the persistance that Sue is pushing about Joan...I'm really worry that Joan is itching for my husband or *gulp* me....

How else do we explain this bizarre behaviour?

This is a major major first...I've never had a guest or friend persist like this...

I ask you...if someone tells you the party is canceled or something, heavens forbid, happens...wouldn't you just drop the subject and move on...

Am I worry about them showing up this weekend?? Yes...I'm nervous..At this rate...I dont' know if they are going to go that far....and why??

This is just....bizarre....you would think they would move on...and given how "upset they are at me"....leave me alone...Which makes me wonder too...why aren't their husbands doing something about this?

You would think they will say...oh well tendereyes is a no good friend if you feel that way, drop her...