I'm Sorry, The Party is Cancelled

[Texas Mom]

Should DD be sent to e-hell?

DD did not have a "sweet 16 party."  Things got out of hand within her group (thanks to "that show')- competition, one-upsmanship, that sort of thing...  She decided she'd rather spend the money we'd put aside for the party to go to Italy last summer.  She had a great time in Italy, but decided she'd like to have a "real birthday party," since it's her last year in high school.

She turns 17 on December 21.  She is having her birthday party on Saturday, the 16th.  She invited 5 GIRLS.  Invitations were mailed 2 weeks ago.  They're going out to dinner at Fazolis (a fast food Italian place), to an ice hockey game and out for a snack afterwards if they want to extend the evening.  I'm estimating this is going to cost $25-30 a head.

Clueless called last week, asked if she can bring her boyfriend and could DD pick them up, since her BF doesn't drive and Clueless is tired of having to drive them everywhere..Clueless had a response..DD told her this was a "girls only" party and he probably wouldn't feel comfortable..Clueless had a response...DD then told her "my parents are paying for this and I can't ask them to pay for someone I didn't invite.".......Clueless countered with, "That's OK, I'll pay for him."

DD took a deep breath, told girl she'd call her back, hung up the phone & LOST it.

DD slept on it, called Clueless back and told her "I'm sorry, some things have come up and the party is cancelled."

She told me she decided that was the most polite way to handle it, since correcting someone else's lack of manners isn't polite.

She asked for my opinion about how she handled it, and frankly, I was speechless.  She's pretty socially astute, but I'm not sure about this.......

Opinions on a better way she could have handled this? 

[MelJill]

The only thing I can think of is something like this--

Clueless:  Can I bring my boyfriend to the party? (Or however it was asked)
Answer:  No.  (Full stop.  Nothing further... as your daughter learned, any reason given is just seen as a reason to argue by the clueless ones.)

[Weez]

I wouldn't send your daughter to e-hell; Clueless most definitely, but not your daughter.

Cancelling the party might not have been the most polite thing to do, but it's definitely more polite than putting Clueless straight.  It sounds like your DD tried her best to remain polite while fending off Clueless' attempts to invite an additional guest; doing that isn't easy for anyone, let alone a teenager trying to fend off another determined teenager.  I reckon she may have handled it the best way she could. 

It's a real shame that she's going to miss out on her birthday party - will she be able to arrange an alternative party, remembering not to invite Clueless?

[andi]

did she actually cancell the party - or is she still planning on going out with the other 4 girls - cause that might cause some issues.

i would have suggested the following:

Clueless: can i bring my boyfriend? I'll pay.

DD - No.  As i explained, it's my birthday and I invited the people i wanted to spend it with.  If you'd rather spend the evening with him, that is fine.  I understand and we'll hang out together another time.

[DottyG]

I like this response.

(Also like the "no" (stop) response, too.)

[BurninDinner]

I like Andi's response.  Daughter belongs in like, e-purgatory.  Lying or cancelling the whole thing is not the BEST way to handle it, but certainly less e-hell worthy than adding an unwelcome guest and asking the birthday girl to drive!

Poor daughter!  How tacky to ask to bring a BF.  I had a college friend who would bring her boyfriend to specifically stated Girls Nights.  Um...

[LadyJaneinMD]

Well, at least Daughter knows who her real friends are now.  Clueless sounds like she's going to be one of those friends who is only around when she doesn't have a Man In Her Life.  Unfortunately, I know several women like that, and we're in our 30s and 40s now!

Keep us posted. I'd love to see how this plays out.

[ZipTheWonder]

"If you'd rather spend the evening with Boyfriend, I totally understand.  We'll miss you...let's catch up another time."

[Lady Vavasour]

I had a college friend who would bring her boyfriend to specifically stated Girls Nights.  Um...

Poor boyfriend!

[LifeOnPluto]

  I had a college friend who would bring her boyfriend to specifically stated Girls Nights.  Um...

Me too. What was worse, was that this friend and her boyfriend would inevitably coax us into changing the plans to do what boyfriend wanted.

One time, what was meant to be a nice "Girl's Dinner" at a cafe, ended up being a quick kebab in a food court, and then meeting up with a horde of boyfriend's mates to play some kind of violent laser gun game in the arcade...

If I had been more assertive back in those days, I would have just gone home.

[Cyndi]

I guess the way she handled it was better than having to pay for an unwanted guest who doesn't bring enough to pay his own way.

[IndianInlaw]

She's 16.  She hasn't had years of experience dealing with rude people. If that's the best solution she could come up with, so be it.  Next time (and there WILL be a next time) she will know how to deal with it, based on this incident.

It certainly was a good alternative to stewing all night with an unwelcome guest.

I'm sorry that her party got ruined over this one person.

[gr_gal1993]

Daughter belongs in like, e-purgatory.  Lying or cancelling the whole thing is not the BEST way to handle it, but certainly less e-hell worthy than adding an unwelcome guest and asking the birthday girl to drive!

Honestly, I don't think cancelling a party is rude.  I think it's a very logical step to take when things are out of control.  I'm not an expert in etiquette by any means, but if "something" did come up (as the boyfriend issue did) then she did what she could to stop the problem.  Now if she repeatedly planned parties and cancelled them, that might be grounds for EHell, but a single instance doesn't make it rude.  However, I could be wrong in that regard.  Weddings are cancelled all the time after the invitations go out and nobody calls those families rude.  Most often, we just feel sorry for them.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Clueless: can i bring my boyfriend? I'll pay.
DD - No.  As i explained, it's my birthday and I invited the people i wanted to spend it with.  If you'd rather spend the evening with him, that is fine.  I understand and we'll hang out together another time.

perfect response.  Again she is only 16 and I can hardly blame her for responding this way (did she really cancel? If not, that would be rude.)  Sounds like she did a superb job saying no, then got a little stuck (probably felt bad) when the friend was insistent, and responded with the best avoidance strategy she knew.  Or perhaps she knew this friend was sinister enough to bring said boyfriend, or complain that he couldnt come the whole night and make her party uncomfortable for everyone. 

Either way, the 'lather, rinse repeat' method of saying no would have been appropriate here.

[Oxymoroness]

Clueless called last week, asked if she can bring her boyfriend and could DD pick them up, since her BF doesn't drive and Clueless is tired of having to drive them everywhere..Clueless had a response..DD told her this was a "girls only" party and he probably wouldn't feel comfortable..Clueless had a response...DD then told her "my parents are paying for this and I can't ask them to pay for someone I didn't invite.".......Clueless countered with, "That's OK, I'll pay for him."

The simple "no" answer would have been better. Followed up with "forgetting" to pick up the BF, and turning around and taking Clueless home if she puts up a fight.

Still, at 16, she's got a good start.