In lieu of flowers...uhm, well, never mind...

[dawbs]

My husband's grandfather passed away this weekend.  We were all very close.  Everyone, generally, is doing OK, we're glad he's no longer suffering and since this was a lingering illness, we've all done a lot of our greiving.  SO, considering the situation, we're doing allright.  Not stellar, I still think going home tonight and pouring myself a stiff drink and crying into my blankie is a good idea, but beyond that, we're OK.

But to the etiquette question at hand...
I know that the obituary said "in lieu of flowers, donations can be made to X charity".  I gave a very meek 2 cents on why I am not a fan of that wording, but I was outvoted and there is more than enough family drama going around, so I obviously didn't argue, and it appeared as above.

My very kind and generous boss knows the situation, because I've had to take all sorts of time off recently (and will need more again for memorials and the like)...and boss asked today for information re: names/place for services/etc.  I"m assuming to send flowers or the like.  I simply gave the information for the time and place at the church/funeral home.  If boss calls these places, they will state the "in lieu of flowers" bit.  If boss simply sends something, it'll go to grandmother after the service, and I think that's OK.

SO, not that I can do anything about it now (except when more people ask, and they may), but what exactly was I supposed to say?  should I have said that they prefered donations?  (that would have felt awfully grabby, especially since $ wasn't explicitly being offered)  I know they don't want a gazillion flowers, and I kow I speak "for the family" in this situation, but...meh.
(I am not stressing over this, what's done is done and honestly, we all have bigger worries right now.  I'm just wondering for future reference)

[ehellion]

*mixing up a stiff drink for you* My condolences.

Personally, I wouldn't have been offended if you told me that donations are preferred. It wouldn't really sound grabby to me if I was asking about the arrangements.

Maybe something like: Here's the information about the locations. Flowers can be sent to (location), but donations are greatly appreciated. Or something like that.

I think what you said was just fine. He could've asked for more info about preferences. He probably already knows what he's going to send. Plus, the places will tell boss,"In lieu of flowers...". Let them deal with it.

[hobish]

I think giving your boss the time and place at the church/funeral home was the perfect answer. Yes, you were speaking "for the family" but telling boss that donations were preferred would not have reflected well on "the family" either. You did great, and even if you hadn't, it sounds like boss would have understood.

My condolences, dawbs, to you and your husband. Even after a lingering illness, losing someone is never easy.

[Sirius]

So sorry for your loss. 

After my mother died, we put a statement like that in the paper, "In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to X Hospice."  Or words along those lines.  The hospice had done so much for my mom - free of charge - and I didn't hear anything negative about putting such a statement in the paper.  In fact, people who hadn't gone to the memorial service asked me if they could send a donation to the hospice.  Had we put in a request for donations to the cancer society or "buy a goat for a village" (not to make fun of it; it sounds like a wonderful gift) we might have run into people not wanting to support those charities.  I still had to field a lot of phone calls, however; the local newspaper, not known for its excellence in news reporting, neglected to include the city and state of the hospice, even though I'd put the entire address into the obituary. 

[kingsrings]

I really don't see anything wrong with having this in a obit. Why not honor the person by giving to their favorite charity or organization? The only line I would draw is if one disagreed with the charity or organization mentioned. I would never donate to a place that I didn't agree with.

[RubySlippers]

Quote: The only line I would draw is if one disagreed with the charity or organization mentioned. I would never donate to a place that I didn't agree with.

At first I was thinking this was an odd thing to say.  I mean, what charity would one object to donating to?  But then I thought about the following "charities" that I would never want to give to:  missionary work,  political parties, religious cults.
So, then the question becomes - is it ok to substitute a less controversial charity such as the Cancer Society or a local hosptial?
Would that be considered rude?

[kingsrings]

Quote: The only line I would draw is if one disagreed with the charity or organization mentioned. I would never donate to a place that I didn't agree with.

At first I was thinking this was an odd thing to say.  I mean, what charity would one object to donating to?  But then I thought about the following "charities" that I would never want to give to:  missionary work,  political parties, religious cults.
So, then the question becomes - is it ok to substitute a less controversial charity such as the Cancer Society or a local hosptial?
Would that be considered rude?

That is what I was talking about. For instance, a local obit of a prominent doctor in my town asked for donations to his favorite organization, which is very political and totally the opposite political side of mine. Of course I didn't know this guy, but I would never donate to such an orgnanization if I did. I too wonder if it is okay to substitute something similar, but a different organization. Such as a cancer charity if the deceased died of cancer.

[kareng57]

Quote: The only line I would draw is if one disagreed with the charity or organization mentioned. I would never donate to a place that I didn't agree with.

At first I was thinking this was an odd thing to say.  I mean, what charity would one object to donating to?  But then I thought about the following "charities" that I would never want to give to:  missionary work,  political parties, religious cults.
So, then the question becomes - is it ok to substitute a less controversial charity such as the Cancer Society or a local hosptial?
Would that be considered rude?

Yes - I don't think that any charity could be considered completely non-controversial by anyone.  Cancer Society or local hospital - you just never know, it's possible that the deceased might have known someone who he/she feels did not get optimum treatment there, or through there.  I used to canvass for a well-known charity, not known to me to be controversial in any way.  But a neighbour of mine (a nice guy, not psycho or anything) told me "no way, I will never donate to that organization again".  I have no idea why, but it really wasn't my business to ask.  So overall - if someone feel uncomfortable donating to an organization specified in the obit or by the funeral home, then I'd say it's best not to donate to anything, they really have no idea of the deceased's preferences.  And while flowers aren't usually 'wrong", they are in a few cases, such as Orthodox Jewish funerals.

[MadMadge43]

My condolences. No matter how long you know it's coming, it's still hard.

When my father died we put in the paper something along the lines of no flowers please. My father was a public figure (and the type of guy everyone liked) and it could have turned into a greenhouse. What we weren't expecting was our funeral director to turn away flowers that actually arrived. We knew there were many out of town people who didn't read the obituary, and that we were very happy to recieve flowers from. That was a fun phone call to the funeral home. Of course we're not going to turn away things that people actually sent, we just wanted to discourage them.

This is maybe how I would handle it:  "Where can we send flowers?", Thank you for the thought, but we're restricting flowers, "oh, but I really want to do something, is there anything?" We did set up a charitable donation in his name, if you would like the website information I will make sure to get it to you.

But only mention the charity once they've asked for something. At times like this people just want to be able to do something, it actually makes them feel better, so please don' t deny their way of showing their hurt, it's not being greedy.

What is put in the paper to the general public is different than what you say to actual close friends.

[dawbs]

The fact that it's a charity I'm not gung-ho about was part of my reason for not liking it in the obit.
(nothing "wrong" with the charity, but the administrative costs of this charity are very VERY high.  So when I donate, it's not one that I normally choose.)

But I'm going to assume no one would turn away flowers, because there are people flying in from all over the country who couldn't have seen the obit and are trying to get here.

(Now if only there weren't so many military grandkids...it's hard on them not to be able to get home--and all possible strings have been pulled, it's not happening)

[ShadesOfGrey]

My condolences on your loss. 

Dawbs: I think what you did was just fine, you gave the information and the funeral home can direct them to the donations aspect.  That being said, if the "in lieu of..." is published in a paper, then I dont think it is off the mark to mention it to people who ask.  Of course, like any other gift, they may regard (or disregard) the notice as they wish, keep this in mind (one would hope that they wouldnt).  I wouldnt know exactly how to word it though to tell them.  I think in the event of a death some of the 'rules' about specifying gifts dont apply as strongly, since it is such an extreme and sad time (as in, if someone asks others to dontate to a charity instead of flowers, I think it's ok, and not really akin to someone asking people to dontate to a charity instead of sending wedding/baby gifts).  My best wishes to you for comfort for your family at this time. 

MissYoungie: Although I understand the senitment of not wanting to donate to a particular charity, I personally dont think it is ok to substitute.  Personally, I feel that donating on the occasion of someone's passing isnt the same as donating because you support a particular cause.  So I would make an exception to donating to the charity in this case.  My personal line would be if it was an ideological difference (as opposed to high administrative costs, as someone mentioned), I would consider not donating.  That being said, if one absolutely does not agree with the charity, then one must do in death what one did in life with the deceased - respectfully disagree.  In such a case though, I wouldnt substitute a charity, as this is not what the deceased's family requested, and it may/may not be a charity that THEY (or the deceased) support (as previously stated, this particular type of donation isnt about supporting a cause, but about honoring the deceased and family). I dont thnk that this would be the appropriate time to ask which charity they support either.   I would simply send flowers (yes people do still send flowers) as I believe this is an appropriate alternative to supporting a charity one does not agree with.  hope this helps. 

[bopper]

I think an "in lieu of" statement is fine.  Some people will do it, and some won't.  I think that it is nice to get some flowers/baskets, but if people want to donate to the stated charity that may be a better use of the money.  Otherwise it is just going to the florist.  But I am not offended either way if people donate or don't want to donate, or even if they picked their own charity that is somewhat in line with the deceased wishes (like it would not be cool to donate to the KKK if you were of jewish/black/anybody really decent).  But if you want to make a donation to the children of Darfur in the deceased name, more power to you.  It just shows that you are thinking of the deceased.

[Sharnita]

You answered the questions he asked you. If he had asked, "Where could I send flowers?" you could then broach the subject.

[graceh9]

it is not considered rude to use the 'in lieu of' statement (although the florist industry doesn't much like it)  Miss Manners says that is because the guest of honor is not asking on their own behalf.  I do think that it is best if a relatively non controversial charity is chosen -- something near and dear to the deceased or related to the illness that took him or her -- but if a donor is still unwilling to give they can certainly donate to something else in their honor. 

[Evil Duckie]

I am sorry to hear about your grandfather.

You did fine. You answered your bosses questions. What he does is his business. As to stating in the orbit in "lieu of flowers" is fine.

Yow will have people donate money to the charity, donate money to the family, send flowers or bring food to the family (atleast everywhere I have lived). Accept all in the spirit they were given. To honor the memory of your grandfather.