In lieu of flowers...uhm, well, never mind...

[rmk1]

I have seen newspapers change their standard wording to be, "Those wishing to make a donation may contact Charity X" not mentioning the "in lieu of flowers" part of the sentence.

Also, a while ago I was reading online a page of florists who had banded together to sent petitions to newspapers to ban the "In lieu of flowers" wording. It was a really interesting page, and something that had not occurred to me before-- I suppose their businesses have really been hit by lack of funeral floral buying-- so many people instructing not to send flowers!

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

[Brat]

The obituary for my mother this past year had an "in lieu of" statement.  Some people chose to contribute to similar charities, such as St. Jude's, other than the one listed (American Cancer Society).  Others chose to send mass cards or similar.   Each and every one of those was appreciated, and honored her memory. 
I, in the past, have chosen to include money in a card to the family, when I wasn't comfortable making a donation to the charity of their choice.  It was then up to the family (and none of my business) to choose what to do with that money, whether it be to help with the funeral costs, put it toward their charity of choice, or whatever. 
The point is, every donation, every gift of food, every card, every thought and prayer was done in in my mother's honor, and with the intent to ease the suffering of the family in whatever way the well-wisher could. 
If someone wants to somehow find offense in that honor and intent, then so be it. 

[twinkletoes]

My great-aunt was a very political person, and she was forever writing politicians about this, that, and the other thing.  She was also known to be very proactive - if there was an issue in her community, she'd try to solve the problem.  When she died, her obit said something to the effect of "in lieu of flowers, write a letter to your local politician."  It didn't matter to her what someone's particular political beliefs were - she just wanted people to do something to change what they felt was wrong.  Everyone who knew her, knew how she was and felt it was a fitting tribute.

Anyway, going back to something a previous poster mentioned - every charity has its opponents based on how they're run, how the organization fulfills its mission statement, or what they actually do.  Which leads me to wonder - what does one do if it's a charity one is opposed to?  Donate to something similar, or do nothing at all?

[Lisbeth]

I think that nobody has to donate to the specified charity, but writing a letter of condolence and/or visiting the family at appropriate times are always proper responses to hearing about a bereavement.  They might also appreciate cooked meals or other food offerings.

[Sharnita]

I would answetr it exactly the way you did. If anything, I might add that if he got the local newspaper, I'd appreciate if he'd save the obit for me. I would want him to do that and it might have the added bonus of him reading it.

[Brat]

Please forgive me being a newbee..  I started off relating it to my mom's situation, and I forgot to go back to the question at hand. 
My place of employment will frequently (via email) pass on pertinent information when a family member passes (with the family member's consent), so that all employees can pass on their condolences if they so wish.  When we read the obituary and see mention of a charity, that is typically added to the information to be passed around. 
I would have answered the same, giving him answers to the questions he asked, rather than suggesting the charity. 

[ZipTheWonder]

So, then the question becomes - is it ok to substitute a less controversial charity such as the Cancer Society or a local hosptial?
Would that be considered rude?

It would not be very polite to pointedly ignore the suggested charity and choose one to your own liking.  The correct thing to do would be to send a heartfelt note of condolences -- with no donation.

[Bijou]

My husband's grandfather passed away this weekend.  We were all very close.  Everyone, generally, is doing OK, we're glad he's no longer suffering and since this was a lingering illness, we've all done a lot of our greiving.  SO, considering the situation, we're doing allright.  Not stellar, I still think going home tonight and pouring myself a stiff drink and crying into my blankie is a good idea, but beyond that, we're OK.

But to the etiquette question at hand...
I know that the obituary said "in lieu of flowers, donations can be made to X charity".  I gave a very meek 2 cents on why I am not a fan of that wording, but I was outvoted and there is more than enough family drama going around, so I obviously didn't argue, and it appeared as above.

My very kind and generous boss knows the situation, because I've had to take all sorts of time off recently (and will need more again for memorials and the like)...and boss asked today for information re: names/place for services/etc.  I"m assuming to send flowers or the like.  I simply gave the information for the time and place at the church/funeral home.  If boss calls these places, they will state the "in lieu of flowers" bit.  If boss simply sends something, it'll go to grandmother after the service, and I think that's OK.

SO, not that I can do anything about it now (except when more people ask, and they may), but what exactly was I supposed to say?  should I have said that they prefered donations?  (that would have felt awfully grabby, especially since $ wasn't explicitly being offered)  I know they don't want a gazillion flowers, and I kow I speak "for the family" in this situation, but...meh.
(I am not stressing over this, what's done is done and honestly, we all have bigger worries right now.  I'm just wondering for future reference)

I am sorry for your loss.  As someone said, it is still hard to lose someone even when they've been ill.  With both my mother and father it was lingering  and so a blessing for them when they passed, but it was still hard to deal with.   
I see nothing at all wrong with saying "in lieu of flowers", nor with suggesting the person's favorite charity for donations.  This is one of the times when the rules of etiquette are the least of our worries.  And it is hard for me to imagine anyone reading an obit and even considering whether or not etiquette had been breeched.  You all did fine, in my opinion.

[MineralDiva]

So, then the question becomes - is it ok to substitute a less controversial charity such as the Cancer Society or a local hosptial?
Would that be considered rude?

It would not be very polite to pointedly ignore the suggested charity and choose one to your own liking.  The correct thing to do would be to send a heartfelt note of condolences -- with no donation.

I completely agree, Zip.  It isn't necessary to donate to the listed charity, if one does not wish to do so.  But a card to the family may still be sent regardless, expressing condolences.

To the OP:  I'm sorry for your loss.

[kingsrings]

So, then the question becomes - is it ok to substitute a less controversial charity such as the Cancer Society or a local hosptial?
Would that be considered rude?

It would not be very polite to pointedly ignore the suggested charity and choose one to your own liking.  The correct thing to do would be to send a heartfelt note of condolences -- with no donation.

Even if it is something having to do with the deceased? For instance, if the deceased died of cancer, but specified that donations go to 'X' organization that I disagreed with. But being that the death was from cancer, how would it be rude to make a donation to a cancer charity in their name? It still has something to do with the deceased.

[twinkletoes]

KingsRings - I guess it really comes down to *why* the charity in question was picked in favor of any other groups.  When my uncle died of cancer, his family suggested donations to Mayo Clinic, which treated him, and a small, local charity that gave my uncle, my aunt, and their kids a ton of support (especially in the end).  I can see where people would oppose either one of these organizations.

However, the family also had strong feelings against certain other organizations, and they selected those two charities for a reason.

[Suze]

The most requested charities in our town (small) are the deceased church and the local EMS (all volunteer)

But you are always free to give somewhere else.