What do you mean it's a secret?!?

[Tabris]

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I'm not going to remove the post because that would be bad form, but two people have told me there's no cause for concern, so unless anyone comes up with a horror story, I'm going to proceed not to be concerned.

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My daughter came to me today asking for help buttoning her pants after using the bathroom. She's five and started kindergarten this year.

"Of course you can button your pants," I said. "What do you do at school?"
"Mrs. $$$$ buttoned me," she said.
I said, "Mrs $$$$? Who?"
She said, "Mrs. $$$$ took a picture of me today, but I can't tell you why." She whispered, "It's a secret."


Okay, so here's my question:

If I'm 98% sure that this "secret" is that the kindergarteners are taking pictures for Christmas presents for their parents, does that nagging 2% of doubt in me allow me to write a note to the teacher asking why Mrs $$$$ (who is NOT a teacher) was taking photographs of my child and handling her pants?

My daughter was clear with me that this was a "good secret" and that she was not touched (other than was necessary for buttoning pants) and so on. But I still don't like it. It just looks bad.

For what it's worth: I've been on the other side of the equation. WHen I was a parent helper at the preschool, a kid asked me to button his pants for him. But I did it in the middle of the classroom, talking the whole time about how I was buttoning it, and I also didn't say anything was a secret.

I don't want to brand myself a lunatic this early in my daughter's school career, but I figure that will happen eventually anyhow. My question is--should I write the teacher and ask for clarification? Or should I just go with my gut instinct that probably everything is okay and my daughter was just wandering around with her pants unbuttoned, and the photographer taking pictures for a project happened to notice before taking her picture?

This is what I'd say:

Dear Mrs. Teacher:

Last night, LittleTabris2 was chattering with me about school, and she came up with a mixture of comments that I found disturbing, so I wanted to run them by you.

She said that Mrs. $$$$ had been in the classroom; that she took a picture of Caroline and asked her to keep it a secret; and she also said that Mrs. $$$$ had fastened up her pants.

I am mildly concerned that someone handled my daughter's clothing, photographed her, and asked her to keep it secret from her mother. I understand, however, that it was most likely some kind of class project as a gift, since LittleTabris1 brought home something of that nature.

I just wanted to run it by you so that if Mrs. $$$$ was not authorized to be taking pictures of my daughter and telling her to keep it secret, that you would know it had happened.

I will continue to work with LittleTabris2 about properly dressing herself after using the toilet.

Thank you so much. I appreciate your time.

Sincerely, 
Tabris

[momto3daughters]

Truly I think you need to let this one go. Im sure the picture and the buttoning of pants are totally unrealted. If there anything like my kids did in kindergarten you will get a nice christmas surprise which includes the picture. more than likely her teacher has taken tons of photos for an end of the year surprise.
Really all the teachers are background checked before they get hired.
As a girl scout leader, as a volunteer ive buttoned so many girls and boys jeans that cant get them done that I dont even blink when I button them anymore.

[Tabris]

I've just been so scared by media reports and stories at Toxic Families and so on that I don't want to take chances. I agree it's probably innocent.

I would bet money that Mrs. $$$$ was taking pictures for an ornament. I'm not so sure I want to bet my daughter.

But that's why I'm asking here. Because the mother animal is not a rational creature, and you guys are not LittleTabris2's mother, and therefore you are more likely to be rational.

[zainabzks]

Let it go! I'm a Kindergarten teacher too and we do have surprises for the parents! Please wait until the party before you ask anything. We go to great lengths to keep the kids from blabbing the surprises to their parents.

Also, many schools have video cameras in each room so I would say relax! Kindergartners should be able to button their own clothes but if they have a problem, I'm sure the teacher would help them. After all, you don't want your child unbuttoned?

[Tabris]

Gotcha. Unless someone comes up with a horrible dread reason for contacting the teacher, I will proceed to let it go.

BTW, LittleTabris2 is in great spirits, and I assume if anything had scared her, she'd have been upset or unsettled.

[Ticia]

I actually don't agree that you should let it go. Honestly, the teachers have to realise that some of the kids are going to blab to their parents. The teacher will get over it.

But most of all: You aren't crazy to ask why someone was taking pictures of your kids and buttoning up their pants. Sure, it was *most likely* innocent. But you do need to get the whole story, and you can get the whole story from the teacher. I would actually talk to the teacher in person, I think.

What's the worst thing that will happen if you ask about it? The teacher might think you're crazy. So what?

What's the worst thing that will happen if you *don't* ask about it? Someone might have done something inappropriate, or bordering on inappropriate. They might escalate with the next child. Not a risk I would want to take.

[willow08]

Hi Tabris,

While I don't blame you for ringing the alarm bells, I would step back and keep a careful watch on this one. The pants comment and the picture comment were probably unconnected, but in a five year old mind it probably went a little something like "Pants... Mrs. XXX buttoned my pants... A few hours later she took a picture of me for a special secret Christmas craft project...I can't tell Mommy... Ooops."

I would keep my eye out to make sure a picture-based Christmas project comes home in a few weeks. Also, I'd keep an ear out for any more "secrets" about Mrs. X.

[Venus193]

I'm not a parent but I agree with Ticia.  This may be an unfortunate set of coincidence, but it doesn't hurt to let the school know you are an observant and protective parent.

[ZipTheWonder]

I would follow up on this with a non-alarmist type of inquiry.

"Mrs Classroom Teacher, Little One mentioned she'd been photographed by Mrs. $$$$ at school today and that she was to keep that secret.  She also mentioned that Mrs. $$$$ had assisted her with her clothing after toileting.  Could you just clarify the purpose for the photograph and the reason she happened to be in the bathroom with Little One?"

Any reasonable teacher will say "Mrs. $$$$'s role is _____.  The photographs are part of a holiday surprise."

[DottyG]

Been trying to think of a way to tell you that I think this is nothing, but that the fact that it caught your attention as something a little "off" is something that you need to pay mind to.  I'm 99.99999% certain this was just a coincidence.  But, you're better off just running it by the teacher, because Mrs. $$$$ needs to be aware that this did catch someone's attention.  She needs to be aware that even what she thinks is just an innocent act can be a little unsettling to a parent and that she might want to be a little careful with what she does - especially if, at any point in the day, she tells a child to keep something a "secret" from their parents.  That statement can so easily be confused in a child's mind, so she may not want to suggest using it to the children.

Anyway, I was trying to think of a way to say all that without being an alarmist but didn't know how to do it.  So, I'll just "third" Venus and Ticia's posts.

And, now I want to try something that's not related to the situation but that caught MY attention in the OP.....

this is sooooo cool!!!

[Lunadiana75]

This is precisely why I don't work with, look at or have any contact whatsoever with little kids.  It's just too scary. 

[Minmom3]

Can you ask your daughter if it's a Christmas present kinda secret?  Because she's likely to say yes, and then you can stop worrying about it.  If it's a different kind of secret, then you can call up the teacher and ask what's up with secrets?  I'd lay money on it being Christmas related, and completely benign.

And about the clothes - does your daughter need more practice on those kinds of clothes, or maybe easier stuff for her to handle by herself at school?

[sparksals]

The marquee text is really tough on the eyes!!!

[Rei-chan]

Let me start by saying that I don't have kids yet (although hoping to in the future) but the whole "secret" issue, while probably innocent, kinda gave me the willies.  I would not want my 5 year old to have a secret from me with someone I didn't know, male or female.  The stories we read about or see on TV (or experienced ourselves in some cases) make us all a little hyper sensitive to the subject.

Tabris:  I am not trying to alarm you by this, but to merely say that you are right to be concerned.  Please, please don't take it the wrong way!  Again, I think it is innocent in this case.  It is just my opinion that little ones need keep no secrets from their parents until they are old enough to learn the difference between good ones and bad ones, and even then I am not sure of how I feel on the subject entirely.  I say bring it up to the teacher, but gently.  Explain your reasons and I am sure that she will understand that you are trying to be a supportive, involved parent.

[Camarynne]

I was one of those protective parents all through my daughter's schooling and honestly in a case like that, most teachers would Much rather you go ahead and ask than let the worry build up. It's innocent, surely...but teachers like it when you trust them enough to ask the scary things.  And I'll tell you this...when my daughter WAS molested at age 9, both detectives told me that if parents would trust that gut feeling and at least check things out, kids would be much safer. And give  your little one a big hug for trusting you enough to tell you. I had a rule with my daughter that went: "If anyone EVER tells you not to tell Mommy something, you come and tell me immediately and I promise that you will Not be in trouble."  And that led to us catching her molestor (who didn't touch her, just videotaped her...bad enough but not the worst it  could have been.

Never be afraid to protect your kids (even though I agree this one sounds innocent.)  You cannot Un-molest a child.

Cee