What do you mean it's a secret?!?

[cb140]

Let me start by saying that I don't have kids yet (although hoping to in the future) but the whole "secret" issue, while probably innocent, kinda gave me the willies.  I would not want my 5 year old to have a secret from me with someone I didn't know, male or female.  The stories we read about or see on TV (or experienced ourselves in some cases) make us all a little hyper sensitive to the subject.

I do see what you're saying (about kids not having secrets from their parents) but don't you think that its the combination of the buttoning and photograph and secret that's rung alarm bells (almost certainly unnecessarily, IMO) - if a child in kindergarten, for example, helped bake a cake for a Christmas surprise and was told by their teacher to keep it a secret from Mum, you wouldn't presumably find that concerning. Its the fact that its a photograph.

I agree with the poster who said to ask the kid "is it a Christmas kind of secret?" She'll say yes, end of worry.

[Tabris]

Last night, I asked my daughter if I'll eventually find out what the "secret" is, and she beamed with a smile and said "Yes."

So I'm thinking it really is just a CHristmast present, and everything is actually okay. I may mention it to the teacher at some point, but I won't raise any alarm bells.

And I'm going to keep my eyes out for anything out of the ordinary, but I also don't want to scare my daughter.

[fklwmn]

Let me start by saying that I don't have kids yet (although hoping to in the future) but the whole "secret" issue, while probably innocent, kinda gave me the willies.  I would not want my 5 year old to have a secret from me with someone I didn't know, male or female.  The stories we read about or see on TV (or experienced ourselves in some cases) make us all a little hyper sensitive to the subject.

I agree with this. I'm pretty sure you have nothing to worry about here, but it can't hurt to ask.  And maybe let the teacher know that maybe in the future they should tell the kids the picture is a "surprise" rather than a "secret." It makes all the difference.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Last night, I asked my daughter if I'll eventually find out what the "secret" is, and she beamed with a smile and said "Yes."

So I'm thinking it really is just a CHristmast present, and everything is actually okay. I may mention it to the teacher at some point, but I won't raise any alarm bells.

And I'm going to keep my eyes out for anything out of the ordinary, but I also don't want to scare my daughter.

Good for you for dealing with this "rationally" as you put it.  That said, I agree with another poster who said that phrasing it as a 'suprise' would be better than a 'secret.'

I am not a parent, but there was a time when I thought my niece was in trouble, and believe me, there was NOTHING I wouldnt have done to clarify that she was in a safe environment.  That also being said, should this happen again, and your little one seems less willing to talk about her 'secret', (a classic sign of guilt/shame/fear) I would see it as only proper that as a parent you ask the teacher to clarify the purpose of whatever activity has you concerned.  Each child is different, and you dont want to give yours (general you) the impression that keeping 'secrets' from mom and dad is ok, or that just anybody should be taking pictures of them.  But again, only you know your child well enough to know if s/he can determine if s/he has been violated, or even what behavior you consider violating.  Some young'uns are very perceptive, others, it takes longer to develop this instinct.  Asking a teacher to clarify what *could* be construed as inappropriate behavior is not irrational. 

I am glad that it was nothing to worry about.  I hope your Christmas present ROCKS!

[CosmicPossum]

Last night, I asked my daughter if I'll eventually find out what the "secret" is, and she beamed with a smile and said "Yes."

So I'm thinking it really is just a CHristmast present, and everything is actually okay. I may mention it to the teacher at some point, but I won't raise any alarm bells.

And I'm going to keep my eyes out for anything out of the ordinary, but I also don't want to scare my daughter.

Most schools appreciate parents volunteering in the class room.  Maybe you could spend some time in your daughter's class, meet Mrs. XXX. . .in general, get a better feel for what is going on and who is working with the children.

[bopper]

I would tell my child that there are good secrets and bad secrets. You are allowed to keep good secrets from me (like surprises), but not bad secrets.  How do you know if it is a good secret?  Will I be happy when I find out? That is a good secret.

So you could ask her "Is this a good secret that I will be happy when I find out?"

[MelJill]

I would tell my child that there are good secrets and bad secrets. You are allowed to keep good secrets from me (like surprises), but not bad secrets.  How do you know if it is a good secret?  Will I be happy when I find out? That is a good secret.

So you could ask her "Is this a good secret that I will be happy when I find out?"

In fact, w/ my children, there are only 'secrets' (not good) and 'surprises' ... you don't tell a surprise ahead of time, but there is a time (Christmas, birthday, whatever).  Children just should not have "take it to the grave" secrets, they should always have a set 'this is when it can be revealed' time.  Using distinct words helps w/ the younger children, IME.

[gr_gal1993]

Gotcha. Unless someone comes up with a horrible dread reason for contacting the teacher, I will proceed to let it go.

BTW, LittleTabris2 is in great spirits, and I assume if anything had scared her, she'd have been upset or unsettled.

I used to be a dance teacher, but I'm also one of those people that kids seem to trust/love for whatever reason.  A good auntie or "pushover" might be the proper term!  Anyway, at church the little ones wander up to me in all states of almost dressed to have bows tied or pants/shirts buttoned.  I've often wondered why they do it, but they seem to like me and their parents find it funny.

Personally, I wouldn't think anything of it.  The teacher is probably like me and has been conditioned to tie bows, button pants, tie shoes, button coats, fix ponytails, put glitter on, etc....  I had one little girl wander up to me because she couldn't get her dress out of her tights.  It seemed odd, but I couldn't let her wander around church with her dress tucked in like that looking for her mother.

[Sharnita]

I might address it in a humorous way. "Dear Teacher, I know you probably enjoy stories about funny things kids say. My DD came home was was telling me ... and I was a little freaked out until friends pointed out that it was Christmas time and kindergartners make "secret" presents." This is a way to relate what you are told without sounding accusitory. FWIW, teacher will add it to her list of funny "can you believe kids" stories.

[kingsrings]

Awareness is fine, but I think that it's sad that teachers can't even give an innocent hug to a student anymore lest anyone call them on it. I asked one of my friends, who is a junior high school teacher, what she does then if one of her students is crying and upset about something. You can't just stand there and allow the poor student to be upset when they are in need of comforting after all! She said they hand them a tissue, and ask the student if they can hug him/her.

[DottyG]

ask the student if they can hug him/her.

But, shouldn't this be true of anyone?  From what I've read in this forum, there are a lot of people that really don't like people to just walk up and grab them in a hug.  So, it'd be polite to ask anyone before hugging them - even if they're crying - right?

[kingsrings]

ask the student if they can hug him/her.

But, shouldn't this be true of anyone?  From what I've read in this forum, there are a lot of people that really don't like people to just walk up and grab them in a hug.  So, it'd be polite to ask anyone before hugging them - even if they're crying - right?

I think that is thread drift off to another subject entirely - but what I was specifically talking about is that is the rule in schools, you can't just hug a student anymore even if you know them well and are very close to them. You have to ask nowadays, because of the threat of someone reporting it as sexual abuse. It didn't used to be like that in schools. In fact, my first-grade teacher used to give the birthday student a big lipstick kiss on their forehead. No way any teacher would pull a stunt like that these days.

[Rei-chan]

I do see what you're saying (about kids not having secrets from their parents) but don't you think that its the combination of the buttoning and photograph and secret that's rung alarm bells (almost certainly unnecessarily, IMO) - if a child in kindergarten, for example, helped bake a cake for a Christmas surprise and was told by their teacher to keep it a secret from Mum, you wouldn't presumably find that concerning. Its the fact that its a photograph.

I agree with the poster who said to ask the kid "is it a Christmas kind of secret?" She'll say yes, end of worry.

I agree with you that it was the combo of things that raised the possibility of alarm, but on the other hand, when I was taking women's studies in college, we read quite a number of books that featured accounts of abuse at the hands of an authority figure that always ended with "This is our secret".  It was thinking about that in conjunction with this topic that gave me the willies.  I also agree with the other poster that suggested a change of wording from secret to surprise.  It might cut some confusion later on.

[JudiAU]

I agree that the situation sounds innocent but I do think you should follow up. However, I suggest doing so by dropping by the classroom and having a quick word with the teacher. Written notes are so easy to misunderstand. You need to understand what happened but don't turn it into a big deal if it isn't.

[freakyfemme]

ask the student if they can hug him/her.

But, shouldn't this be true of anyone?  From what I've read in this forum, there are a lot of people that really don't like people to just walk up and grab them in a hug.  So, it'd be polite to ask anyone before hugging them - even if they're crying - right?

I think that is thread drift off to another subject entirely - but what I was specifically talking about is that is the rule in schools, you can't just hug a student anymore even if you know them well and are very close to them. You have to ask nowadays, because of the threat of someone reporting it as sexual abuse. It didn't used to be like that in schools. In fact, my first-grade teacher used to give the birthday student a big lipstick kiss on their forehead. No way any teacher would pull a stunt like that these days.

But, sometimes asking makes it awkward, if the teacher is close with the student, or there's another reason why hugging would be appropriate.  At the end of second year, right before Wonderkid was born, I gave Queensoprano and Kingpiano a poem I'd written to welcome Wonderkid into the world, and had everyone sign, and they both hugged me afterwards (Kingpiano asked first, because we weren't close, but Queensoprano didn't), and my clarinet teacher hugged me after my third-year recital, and my high school band teacher used to hug students on occasion.....I think she hugged all of the "regulars" at one point or another, as did both of the drama teachers I had (one for grade 10, one for grades 11 and OAC).  Oh, and I think my high school principal hugged me at the graduation ceremony, either when she handed me my diploma, or when she handed my my Principal's Honour Award.