Author Topic: Does this happen to you?  (Read 4511 times)

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mchernan

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Does this happen to you?
« on: March 12, 2007, 08:09:24 PM »
My in-laws have a huge home, but they never entertain.  They invite us over for the holidays and such, but NOBODY outside the immediate family has ever stepped foot into the house (weird). They do however, invite themselves to our house.  For our anniversary they brought dinner (cold pizza) and stayed until 9:30pm at night.  But then they also invited our Aunt, BIL and his girlfriend.  No problem, these are all people I love anyways but what the heck?  If they wanted to have an anniversary get-together then have it at your own dang house!  Do other people have in-laws that invite a party over to your house? (with 20 hour notice?)

DottyG

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2007, 08:14:45 PM »
Quote
My in-laws have a huge home, but they never entertain.  They invite us over for the holidays and such, but NOBODY outside the immediate family has ever stepped foot into the house (weird).

People don't build big houses just to entertain.  It's not a requirement based on the size of the house.  I don't see a problem with having a large house and not having outside the family people in.  It's no one's "right" to come into someone's home just because they deem that it's "large enough" to have a party in.  It'd be quite rude to insinuate that someone must entertain because they have a "huge home."

(Perhaps that's not what you were leading to.  If not, you might want to rephrase your post, because it really does sound as if that's what you're saying.  And, that would be wrong.)


DottyG

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2007, 11:35:36 PM »
The fact that have a "huge house" is irrelevant to the story.  The OP should not have mentioned it, as it means nothing.

The issue is that they're bringing other people to the OP's house.  Period.  The size of their own house shouldn't be an issue.  And, it shouldn't have been stated the way it was.  The post started out on the wrong note.  She said it is "weird" that they don't have outsiders in their home.  This was on the heels of saying that they have a "huge house."  It's not "weird."  It's just not what they want to do with their home - large, small or whatever size said home is.

That's why I mentioned that the OP really should rephrase what she wrote.  Because the way it reads, it's a bit offensive (for lack of better word).  Maybe she didn't mean it the way it sounds.  Maybe it was meant in a less rude way.  But, it wasn't stated that way.

I agree that the in-laws shouldn't be bringing people over.  That part is correct.

« Last Edit: March 12, 2007, 11:37:14 PM by Dottyg »

kiero

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2007, 01:29:59 AM »
I think that huge house is important.  It is an acceptable reason not to entertain if you have a tiny place.  So if she had left that detail out people would have posted things like "Well maybe their house is too small to have people over" or similar...

I think that it is rude not to return invitations.  If you invite them over they should do the same or turn down your invites.  It is also rude (in most situations) to invite yourself to someone else's house.  the only time this is acceptable is with an offer to help.  Like after I had DD people would call up with an offer to bring lunch and to see DD.  I didn't think that was rude.  Also if someone is housebound (or close to it) then it's OK to ask to come over. 

DottyG

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2007, 01:40:45 AM »
Had the post read something along the lines of...

Story about inviting (rudely) other people over to the OP's house....etc etc.  And then a footnote as to "I don't think it's that the in-laws home is too small to host their own parties, and the house could accomodate having people over", it'd be one thing.

But, to start out the post in this way, "My in-laws have a huge home, but they never entertain.  They invite us over for the holidays and such, but NOBODY outside the immediate family has ever stepped foot into the house (weird)." is wrong.

It is, as I've said, not, somehow, a huge house owner's responsibility to host a party because they have a "huge home."  The size of their home does not mean that they are, because of the size, obligated to host parties.  NEITHER is it "weird" that they don't have others in their home just because it happens to be a "huge home."

While I can see what the 2 of you are trying to say, the fact remains that the point is lost when trying to assert that "My in-laws have a huge home, but they never entertain."

I'm completely with you on the fact that in-laws should not be inviting other people into the OP's home.  I'm completely with you in that reciprocating invitations is etiquettely proper (and, that could also be taking the OP out to dinner rather than hosting a party in their home, by the way).  I'm completely with you on the etiquette violations within the post.

Had that not been the initial comment of the poster and had it been a sidenote explanation of why they may have room after all, it'd be one thing.  But, as it stands, the post starts out by saying somehow implying that a huge home means they should entertain and that they are "weird" for not doing so.

Again, as I have said several times now, the OP may have not, in any way, meant to imply what's coming across.  And, I hope that, if this is the case, she reconsiders how she phrased what she said and corrects it.

And, understand that I do get what the 2 of you are saying.  I do.  But, that's not how it's coming across at the moment.  Do you see what I'm saying here?

Edited to italicize a paragraph.  I fear that this point must be getting lost in the shuffle and that you might be missing it.  Hoping the italics helps in that.

« Last Edit: March 13, 2007, 01:45:30 AM by Dottyg »

Dragons 8 Cactus

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2007, 03:34:09 AM »
Huh, we have the smallest house in the County, And we're always entertaining.
It's the size oh your heart that matters, Not the house :)

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DottyG

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2007, 11:26:05 AM »
It's the size oh your heart that matters, Not the house :)

Exactly. :)


Lisbeth

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2007, 01:02:16 PM »
The way I'm reading this is, the OPs in-laws expect her to entertain and invite others to her house, without reciprocating in any way.

Even if the reciprocation is not in their home, it strikes me as rude to expect another person to host for you all the time without compensation.
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DottyG

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2007, 01:04:45 PM »
The way I'm reading this is, the OPs in-laws expect her to entertain and invite others to her house, without reciprocating in any way.

Even if the reciprocation is not in their home, it strikes me as rude to expect another person to host for you all the time without compensation.

Which, again, I'm not disagreeing with.  I even italicized that to make it easier to see. :)


mchernan

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2007, 04:19:21 PM »
It is not WRONG for me to feel how I do, I meant to indicate that it is weird that they have a HUGE house, or any size house for that matter, and nobody outside the family has EVER EVER EVER been invited over.  My MIL and FIL live there with by BIL.  DH and I are the ONLY outsiders over, EVER, for any reason.  They do not hesitate to organize a party at my house, even though my kitchen is so small I cannot open the oven and the fridge at the same time because they area across from one another.  They also are frequent party-goers anywhere else.  I just felt this was rude and wondered if anyone else had encountered a similar situation.

DottyG

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2007, 04:23:43 PM »
It is not WRONG for me to feel how I do, I meant to indicate that it is weird that they have a HUGE house, or any size house for that matter, and nobody outside the family has EVER EVER EVER been invited over.  My MIL and FIL live there with by BIL.  DH and I are the ONLY outsiders over, EVER, for any reason.  They do not hesitate to organize a party at my house, even though my kitchen is so small I cannot open the oven and the fridge at the same time because they area across from one another.  They also are frequent party-goers anywhere else.  I just felt this was rude and wondered if anyone else had encountered a similar situation.

I still think (hope) you're confusing two issues and blurring the lines between what is NOT etiquettely wrong and what IS etiquettely wrong.  Because you do have one of each there.

As stated (numerous!) times now, there is an etiquette violation in your story.  They should not be inviting themselves over.  They should not be including others in the invitation.  And, they should be reciprocating invitations - even if that reciprocation is inviting you and your husband out to dinner.

It is not that their "huge home" automatically means that they should be hosting parties in it.  Nor, does it mean that the proverbial "everyone and their dog" should be allowed into it because it's a "huge home."

The two issues are not the same.

(You came to an etiquette forum and asked an etiquette question.  I'm trying to give you an etiquette answer. :)   You may not like the answer, but that doesn't mean that it's, necessarily, wrong.)

Editing to italicize AGAIN, because the point seems to be getting missed.

« Last Edit: March 13, 2007, 04:25:26 PM by Dottyg »

DottyG

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2007, 04:32:57 PM »
Let me see if I can explain this another way.  Maybe this will make more sense.

Are you offended that they "invite themselves to [your] house"?  Does it upset you that they "brought dinner (cold pizza) and stayed until 9:30pm at night"?  Does it irk you that they brought a "party over to your house? (with 20 hour notice)"?  And, not only that, but is it upsetting you that they have made the assumption that, not only is your home the "place" to party, but they even invite other people over to join in the fun?  Even though your home isn't big enough to host such events?

These are not questions you actually have to answer.  The answers are obvious; they ARE offensive (and rightfully so), because it's upset you the point that you've posted here about it.

Yet, you're willing to dictate how THEY chose to host in THEIR home.  You've decided that their home is "big" enough, so they need to host parties/gatherings/whatever in it.  And, because it's large, they should be allowing other people to come in and view it.

You can't have this both ways!  Either a person's home is sacred and is theirs to determine what to do with or not.  But, be careful in which way you go here. :)

Believe it or not, I'm validating you here and agreeing with you in that your in-laws are doing something quite rude.  I'm just trying to help you see that the rudeness isn't quite what you're describing though.  You're going a little bit further in your outrage than is right.  You DO have a point.  You're just crossing over into the non-rude portion of what they're doing as well. :)

« Last Edit: March 13, 2007, 04:39:07 PM by Dottyg »

hollasa

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2007, 04:51:30 PM »
I think that part of the "weird" comes from the statement that "DH and [OP] are the ONLY outsiders over, EVER, for any reason".

This sounds as if NOT ONLY do they never entertain/throw parties, they never have anyone over for coffee, or to step in to use the bathroom, or anything else like that.

DottyG

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2007, 04:57:19 PM »
This sounds as if NOT ONLY do they never entertain/throw parties, they never have anyone over for coffee, or to step in to use the bathroom, or anything else like that.

Unusual to some, perhaps.  Wrong?  No.  Having a home does not mean that anyone who desires to enter may do so.  You may dearly LOVE to see what's inside someone's home.  But, it's not their obligation to appease that desire for you.

Perhaps it's in the connotation of the word "weird."  It's not "weird" for someone not to want others inside their home.  It's their home; they get to decide who may enter it.  If that weren't the case, there wouldn't be a lock on the door.

Your home is yours to do with as you please.  If you decide that no red headed person with green eyes can ever enter your home, it's your decision to make.  An unusual decision, yes.  But, still yours to determine.

Likewise, someone with a house of XYZ square feet is no more "obligated" to have [X number] of people over in a year than person with house of ABC square feet.  There's no set limit as to "you have a house of this size, so you must allow this many people to come into it."  That's absurd.






DottyG

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Re: Does this happen to you?
« Reply #14 on: March 13, 2007, 05:01:38 PM »
And, again, I think the question that the OP is asking is really getting blurred.  Perhaps we do need to address the actual etiquette violations in what she wrote, as there are some (I've noted them several times now - you can find them easily as I've italicized them more than once).  Because I'm suspecting that she's really not asking about the size of the house as being a determination of the number of people that should be allowed to enter it (again, I'm hoping that's not the case! :D)

So, as I said before, she's right that the in-laws are doing something wrong.  We need to focus on what's actually wrong in what they're doing vs what's not wrong.
That might help the OP more.