Manager asking personal questions

[Lexophile]

The way my team at work is set up, we have a Team Leader (TL) who meets with our General Manager (GM) on a weekly basis, but we don't have much contact with GM. I personally dislike GM, but I'm always professional and friendly when we meet in the hall, show up at the same coffee station, etc. It's not that I think he's a bad person, he's just been yanking me around for years about my position here at work and I'm fed up pretending that it's ok with me. So I quietly stay out of his way and don't go out of my way to reveal too much about myself to him because he tends to gather pieces of personal information for use while he's running the business (so-and-so is going through a divorce, so they really need this job, so-and-so's spouse just got a better job so this person doesn't need as much money, eyc. etc.) I stopped having these personal discussions with him when he told me I was going to get a promotion, then never followed through. I got so disgusted I felt it would be better to stay away from him because then it's less likely I'll say something I'm going to regret. He's also extremely patronizing, trying to be everyone's buddy and making the admin team high-five him in the hallways, which I think shows that he thinks of us as kids. I am always friendly to him, but I quietly decline the high-five when I pass him in the hall.

My Team Leader is a different story. She is honest, supportive, and one of my biggest advocates when it comes to getting that position I have been gunning for. GM knows that we are close, so he has begun to question TL about me. He has twice now asked her if I am having problems with my husband.

While I did not expect him, clueless as he is, to make the connection between my hesitation to reveal my personal feelings and his inability to keep his promise, I think it borders on creating a hostile work environment to be probing about my marriage like that. Although I did respect the man at one point in my professional relationship with him, I never considered him a personal friend, and I bristle at the fact that he would ask such a personal question. Even if he did work up the nerve to ask me directly instead of weaseling around with my team leader, it's none of his business and I think he should know better. To me, it says two things: 1) He doesn't respect me enough to think I know when he's crossed a line and 2) he is in denial that the cause of the problem could be him.

I told my team leader that, if he asks again, to tell him that 1) I find that question unacceptably inappropriate and 2) if he wants to know something about me, he needs to come and ask me. What are your thoughts on the matter?

[Chartreuse]

What does your marital situation have to do with your job?  Exactly.  Do you have an HR department?  It might be wise to schedule an appointment with them to have a little chat about the inappropriate/unprofessional conduct of the General Manager?

[Lexophile]

Yes, I had considered that. The thing I want to be extra careful of is that the question wasn't directly asked of me, so I don't know exactly what was said. I have shot myself in the foot with heresay more than once, and I wanted to make sure it came from his lips personally before going that route. I trust my team leader, but we are all human and she can make mistakes too. I guess I'm having a hard time believing he would be that blatant too, but after everything he's done, I definitely wouldn't put it past him.

[Slartibartfast]

It sounds like GM would make it hard for you to have an honest face-to-face with him anyway - I'm guessing the kind of person who would expect coworkers to give him high fives is the same kind of person who would be cheerful and upbeat to your face even if he despises you and you are asking him for the truth. 

Do you trust TL's interpersonal skills?  Maybe GM and TL have a better understanding of each other?  (I assume they must, since TL has to work with GM more frequently, and it sounds like TL is a decent person.)  Since GM is trying to find out about you through TL, I would suggest you tell TL that you are uncomfortable with GM's prodding, exactly why you are uncomfortable, and what you would prefer GM to do.  Then you can trust TL to break it to GM gently in a friend-to-friend way, that GM needs to find another way to relate to you.

[Lexophile]

You hit the nail right on the head. My TL calls him the used car salesman (apologize for stereotyping - I know several used car salesmen who are vastly more trustworthy than my GM). He has a talent for making you think that you are the most important person in the world when you are face to face with him. The minute you walk away, everything you talked about goes right out of his head. He treats the entire admin staff like we are incidental employees and not worth the effort of even remembering what we say.

That's exactly why I told my TL to use the words, "uncomfortable with that question." This is standard language coached to us by our annual protected class harrassment training. It is what we are supposed to say when someone is engaging in behavior we feel is inappropriate for the workplace. Hopefully that will be enough of a warning for him to stop poking his nose where it doesn't belong.

[MadMadge43]

While this is certainly annoying, why don't we try looking at it from his possible perspective.  He might think he's being a great boss because he cares more about the employee than just their work performance. It sounds like he's trying to take the whole person into account when he makes a decision.  He's probably asking about your marital situation because he wants to understand why you don't seem happy when he's around and being a typical GM he probably can't figure out that it might be him that is the problem.  Sharing the information to him probably just comes naturally because he wants other people to take it into account too.

Some overt personalities do really care when they're talking to you and you're right they forget all about it when they walk away. Could be because he has so many people to remember that he can't keep them straight.  But it doesn't sound like he's evil, just clueless.

Maybe you could just tell him that you don't like to mix your personal life with work (something he's probably never done because work is his life), but say it to him in a nice way.

[Clara Bow]

It is unacceptable to probe into people's personal lives at work period. It's one of the first things you learn in management. Does this idiot know that he is flirting with a lawsuit every time he does that? Some people go ballistic when people dig into their business like that, I've even heard of sexual harrassment suits being filed over bosses who start delving into people's marriages.
I think what you told the TL was perfect and to the point. If the GM comes to you with personal questions, I would politely say "That has nothing to do with my job and is therefore none of your business." Then go to human resources and tell them to call him off.

[Lexophile]

My biggest mistake at the beginning of my professional relationship with this manager was thinking he actually cared about me. I used to be an open book, trusting that he had my best interests at heart and that he would help me if I ever needed it. That mistake cost me advancements and salary increases that would probably constitute a whole other post. This man has PROVEN himself to be the kind of person who thinks of personal information about his employees in terms of currency to be saved and spent at his discretion. My marriage is none of his business. In the real world, we all have to earn our currency. He has done nothing to earn my trust, so he gets none of the information. Period.

[Sirius]

I've also been asked about other people's personal lives, and I always say something like, "You need to ask them about that," even if I know all about the situation from either being involved in it or having been told about it by the person in question.  At a convenience store I worked at years ago, the manager before me was fired.  That same week, several of his friends came in asking for him, and I'd simply tell them to talk to him.  I didn't feel it was my place to tell his friends that he'd lost his job, and if he wanted his friends to know he could tell them. 

Sirius (aka Vegakitty)

[audhs]

Maybe you could just tell him that you don't like to mix your personal life with work (something he's probably never done because work is his life), but say it to him in a nice way.

I'm amazed at how many people confuse work "friends" with real friends.    A real friend I worked with (as in we talked outside of work) told me something personal then a few months later she let it be known by the other people we worked with.  SOmeone actually asked me why she told be before the rest of them.  These were people we talked to and were friendly with at work but would never have called them or gone anywhere with them outside of work.

I agree that it's none of her GM's business what's going on in her marriage.  IF it doesn't affect your work it isn't relavant.