update re: you pay and we'll choose the food

[graceh9]

since you don't like these people and don't want to go -- why not just have a 'conflict'?  'I'd love to be there but I have this thing that I just can't get out of with my family'

the attitude you are projecting here is pretty, well, wetblanket -- making such a fuss about so little, whining about the arrangements those who have tried to put the event together are making, etc etc would make you stand out in most work groups as 'one of those' -- the organizers may not be doing this just the way you would -- but they are putting in the effort and as others have noted, doing it in advance is generally necessary if there is going to be an organized event as otherwise the organizers invariably get stiffed.  yes they should have included your request in the menu -- but everything else seems reasonable enough -- and certainly cheap enough.

you don't wanna go?  don't.  but why invest so much energy in being critical of those who are doing the work?

[DottyG]

since you don't like these people and don't want to go -- why not just have a 'conflict'?  'I'd love to be there but I have this thing that I just can't get out of with my family'

the attitude you are projecting here is pretty, well, wetblanket -- making such a fuss about so little, whining about the arrangements those who have tried to put the event together are making, etc etc would make you stand out in most work groups as 'one of those' -- the organizers may not be doing this just the way you would -- but they are putting in the effort and as others have noted, doing it in advance is generally necessary if there is going to be an organized event as otherwise the organizers invariably get stiffed.  yes they should have included your request in the menu -- but everything else seems reasonable enough -- and certainly cheap enough.

you don't wanna go?  don't.  but why invest so much energy in being critical of those who are doing the work?

I've been on planning committees before (and, often, they're not elected or some kind of formal thing of that nature - more often than not, they're situations where the people who do it actually are the only ones who volunteer to take on the challenge).  And, it's really upsetting when you go to so much trouble to put something nice together for people and then they all complain and moan about "it wasn't done the way I would have done it" or "you didn't do this right" or "that was done differently than I wanted it done."  Well, then why didn't you step up and volunteer to take it on in the first place?!  You would have certainly been welcomed as the person in charge of putting this together!  Heck, it was a headache for ME to have to do; I would have GLADLY handed it off to you!

OP, no one's trying to pick on you, believe it or not.  I think you're just getting opinions from other sides of this that are unsettling to you.  Take a step back and look at it through many eyes.  It might be that this could be a chance for you to gain perspective from other opinions on the subject.

[Deetee]

I commented on the other thread and I will comment again here in less detail.

The organisers have (in my opinion) done their job. They have organised a time, a place, a menu and the way everyone would pay. I think there would be less stories on ehell if more events had that degree of upfrontness and organisation.

You don't agree with the way the event is organised, so you have two polite options.

1) Go cheerfully.

2) Decline gracefully.

The first option could also be interpreted as "suck it up", or it could be "accepting the offered hospitality". As I said, if you don't like the offered hospitality, don't go. The event isn't to your liking, so why would you want to go.

Changing the rules, going and ordering your own food, while it is definately your "right", is simply not polite. Whether or not the organisers were polite doesn't really matter. We shouldn't treat rudeness with more rudeness.

[freakyfemme]

I commented on the other thread and I will comment again here in less detail.

The organisers have (in my opinion) done their job. They have organised a time, a place, a menu and the way everyone would pay. I think there would be less stories on ehell if more events had that degree of upfrontness and organisation.

You don't agree with the way the event is organised, so you have two polite options.

1) Go cheerfully.

2) Decline gracefully.

The first option could also be interpreted as "suck it up", or it could be "accepting the offered hospitality". As I said, if you don't like the offered hospitality, don't go. The event isn't to your liking, so why would you want to go.

Changing the rules, going and ordering your own food, while it is definately your "right", is simply not polite. Whether or not the organisers were polite doesn't really matter. We shouldn't treat rudeness with more rudeness.

That would be true, IF it was a hosted event at someone's house.  If people are paying their own way, it's no longer "hospitality," it's a no-host event, i.e., a group of people meeting at a pub for drinks.  Therefore, there's nothing rude about going, enjoying your choice of drinks and snacks with your co-workers, and paying there. 

[DottyG]

Therefore, there's nothing rude about going, enjoying your choice of drinks and snacks with your co-workers, and paying there. 

Actually, there is.  This is a function that several people have put together and worked hard to organize.  Sure, everyone could go on their own and do their own thing.  However, the organizers have made sure there's adequate seating for the people attending and food for everyone and many other "organizational" things that are important to putting something like this together at the busiest time of the year.

To disregard the planned part of the event and do your own thing is, in this case, rude.  Like it or not.

[wetblanket]

This is a function that several people have put together and worked hard to organize.

I see your point but in this case there really isn't that much work involved.  There is no need for them to pre-order the food.  There is no minimum amount of $$ set by the pub.  The pub can do separate checks. 

So, the organizers are imposing their choices and asking us to pony up.

And I still can't figure out why we need $200 worth of food in the middle of the afternoon.....

[platys]

Given that you weren't part of the organizing, you don't actually know what this pub requires for a group your size, at this time of year. 

They aren't inflicting anything on you.  You don't have to go.  Is anyone else complaining?  If more folks are unhappy, you all could approach the organizers, although its a bit late for that.  Or volunteer to do the organizing next year.

[behindbj]

Sorry - but as someone who has organized many an office function, the event is "planned" for people to go and have a good time, because that's the way it is.  Just because people have to buy a ticket doesn't mean it is any less planned or doesn't have certain rules of the affair that must be followed - depends on the hall.  Like anything else, don't like the rules?  Don't go.

At our place of business, we are given the afternoon off to enjoy some convivial moments with our co-workers in a festive atmosphere, which is costing me $30 this year (reasonable for a sit-down meal type party in fair City).  Changes are made for vegetarians and people with dietary restrictions only.  In this case, the meal is chicken (a rather nice chicken dish, but chicken all the same).  Some years there's a choice - not this year.  People have worked very hard here putting this party together.  I make sure that the large all-office functions get planned by those whose turn it is.  I tell them to let me know when people start complaining, so I can - like the mindreader I am - give them a list of the complainers.  Same people every year and every function.  

I tell these people this:  go or don't.  It's up to them.  And when it's their office's turn to plan the party, I'll tell their boss that they volunteered to be in charge.  Usually quiets them right up.  If most people are happy, then it's a job well done.  Not everyone is going to be happy - not even me.

If the establishment will accommodate the OP and her special request, then fabulous.  If not, then the OP can either go or don't.  Some places, especially during the holiday season, have more than one group come in and have a rule that food must be pre-ordered in certain amounts, with no special orders on that day.  Maybe that's the way it is here - and maybe not.  The OP can certainly check.  The OP can also check with the organizers to see if her particular dish can be added on to the menu - just so it's ready when the rest of the food is.  Who knows - maybe that's the answer.

But I would be very careful in picking nits over an extra-curricular activity - especially one that people have taken the time to plan over and above their regular work.  Here, folks can either go to the party on company time, stay at work or take the afternoon off.  I view my party ticket as paying $30 to get the afternoon off, plus a nice meal, great conversation and a kickline of dancing reindeer.

Don't ask.

I guess what I'm saying is this (and maybe I'm a little more go-with-the-flow about these things):  I think that a lot of frustration is being felt over a simple thing.  I doubt the organizers spent all day thinking about how they were going to make the OP upset.  Go or don't - and this is from someone who has skipped festivities once or twice because she did not care for the arrangements.

behindbj

[wetblanket]

but why invest so much energy in being critical of those who are doing the work?

Because I really really hate these people.  And I can't Female Dog about the situation at work.  I'd definitely get labeled as "one of those"!

The three people who are the self-appointed organizers are not nice people.  They're the office-mother type who try to help ("help") while actually being very controlling.  It's that "I do all this for you and you don't even appreciate it" vibe.  If you don't do things their way you are being ungrateful ("ungrateful"). 

This place gets weird at Christmas.  You are seen as some sort of freak if you don't get all worked up about all the lunches, decorations, secret Santa, etc etc etc.  Never mind that this is a multicultural workplace where many people are not Christians - YOU MUST ENJOY THE SEASON THE WAY WE TELL YOU!

Ugh.  I really hate when people try to tell me how to have a good time. 

PS - I did check with the pub.  All this pre-arranging is totally unnecessary.

[Rei-chan]

I have a question for the OP:

Is the objection you have to your request for a certain food due to reason like allergy, being a vegetarian, religious reasons or something like that?  I could understand that, but honestly, my perception of the "request" is just that you want to have input on the festivities....

I see your point but in this case there really isn't that much work involved.  There is no need for them to pre-order the food.  There is no minimum amount of $$ set by the pub.  The pub can do separate checks. 

Having been a server, I know how hard it is to keep separate checks for that many people who are mingling and moving seats constantly.  Eventually, someone skips out on a check and the organizers are left holding the bag.  Not to mention there is the tipping issue involved with having individual checks.  Perhaps the pub has dealt with this too and suggested this format to the organizers.  If I were the pub management, I surely would.  As to it being unneccessary, that is your opinion, which may not be shared by the organizers.  As you are not one of said organizers, it is not your call as to what is neccessary or not.

I don't think this is a case of them imposing their choises and you footing the bill for it.  It really sounds like a control issue to me.  Having said that, either go and contribute, or don't.  It's really that simple.  If you hate these people so much, then why do you care so much about what they do?

[DottyG]

Because I really really hate these people.

Then why, in the world, would you even be concerned about this whole issue at all?!   If you don't like someone, you just don't attend the party.  Period!  Why would there even be a question here if you weren't thinking, in some way, of attending.

I think that one comment says it all and answers every question and issue you've had in both threads!   You don't like these people - in fact, you HATE them.  So, you don't attend the party - as part of the group OR as a singleton going and paying her way there.

Now, I'm REALLY confused about this whole issue and why it's even an issue at all!!!

[wetblanket]

If you don't like someone, you just don't attend the party.  Period!

That's how it should be. 

But this is one of those offices where you have to pretend to like people all the time, regardless of how they have behaved in the past.  And these people have behaved badly.  I have really excellent reasons for hating them.  It really sticks in my craw that I'm expected to attend this party at all (WHY must we have a party anyway?), so it's extra galling to be asked to pay upfront for food I don't get to choose.

In my view (which isn't getting much support here, but whatever), what they are doing is rude.  Even if I didn't hate them I would think it was rude.  They could at least explain why they need to do it this way and why they can't do it my way.  They didn't even acknowledge my suggestions. 

Not. Nice. People.

[wetblanket]

And for anyone who is still following this thread:

I.  Checked.  With.  The Pub.

They.  CAN.  Do.  Separate.  Checks.

[Rei-chan]

 They could at least explain why they need to do it this way and why they can't do it my way. 

This says it all.  Why should the organizers explain why they do things their way and not yours?  That's not rude, that's life.

And for anyone who is still following this thread:

I.  Checked.  With.  The Pub.

They.  CAN.  Do.  Separate.  Checks.

Just because the pub CAN do separate checks doesn't mean it is the best way to handle a large group.  Don't you have any sympathy at all for the server that is going to have to deal with this mess?  Or is this still all about what you want?

I really don't think this is an etiquette issue, but a matter of personal preference.

[DottyG]

If you don't like someone, you just don't attend the party.  Period!

That's how it should be. 

But this is one of those offices where you have to pretend to like people all the time, regardless of how they have behaved in the past.  And these people have behaved badly.  I have really excellent reasons for hating them.  It really sticks in my craw that I'm expected to attend this party at all (WHY must we have a party anyway?), so it's extra galling to be asked to pay upfront for food I don't get to choose.

In my view (which isn't getting much support here, but whatever), what they are doing is rude.  Even if I didn't hate them I would think it was rude.  They could at least explain why they need to do it this way and why they can't do it my way.  They didn't even acknowledge my suggestions. 

Not. Nice. People.

wetblanket, I have been following this story for days, and I'd like to jump in.

I have a co-worker who I really strongly dislike.  I dislike everything about him.  If he comes up to me and says, "How are you doing?" I get irritated.  Believe me (and I know you will!), he has given me ample cause to feel this way.  That doesn't mean, though, that everything he does is wrong, but it seems that way because I dislike him so much.  Could that be a factor in this for you?  I believe it was Dr. Phil that said we are like a cup, and anger/annoyance is like hot coffee.  We get filled up, and we have to let out some steam.  If we don't get to let that steam out, though, we overflow with every tiny drop.  Does that make sense?

I totally get that you are venting here about the way this has been handled.  I also get that you aren't shooting your mouth off at work about how these people bug you, because it isn't professional and, especially in your work environment, it would be way more trouble than it is worth.  FWIW, I can completely imagine myself in your position feeling the same way.  I'm just not sure that there is anything you can really do about it at this point.

Really, you have two choices- go or not go.  The ladies who have organized it have set it up their way, right or wrong.  I wouldn't be happy with the way they have it set up, either, but that's how it works sometimes.  Believe me, I'm hearing you about all the things that are wrong with this party, but I don't think there is an etiquette issue here, other than their ignoring your requests.  And, since they have done that, I don't think it would be out of line for you to decline to attend.

I'm sorry this has made you so unhappy!

Wise words all the way around.   And, especially wise words from Dr. Phil - love the man!

And, wetb, I'm sorry you're so upset as well.  I know the responses you've received haven't been the "pat on the back" type you were hoping for.  That's what I was trying to say earlier, though, about maybe stepping back and seeing this from other perspectives.  You may not agree with the advice you got here, but it never hurts to take a look at things through new eyes and possibly get some outside ideas on an issue.  As EHellDame always says, when you post here, you're not always going to get the answers you were hoping to get and the warm fuzzies that go along with that.  But, hopefully, you're getting some perspective that you didn't have before.  And, that's a good thing, right?

I'd say not go to the party. It's upsetting you too much.  And, it's not worth the aggravation (that doesn't look like it's spelled right - someone help me) that it's causing you.  It's supposed to be a fun party.  And, it's not going to be that for you.  So, don't go.  It's ok not to go - regardless of what the "thing" to do in your office is.  No one is allowed to force you to go to an outside event.