How to improve a husband's "Scrabble" style

[LifeOnPluto]

I'm another one who thought that this thread really was about Scrabble! (Like, maybe the husband was embarrassing the wife when playing games of Scrabble with their friends, because he was bad at spelling, or never used the double and triple points squares, etc).

But seriously, where does this husband get off? (no pun intended!) The baby is only four months old! I've never had a baby, but I know it can be an enormous adjustment for the mother. I've even heard that a woman's libido doesn't return until around 18 months after the birth.

The husband needs to back off, and respect that his wife's desires and focus have now changed. They have the rest of their lives to play "Scrabble". But their baby will only be a baby for a short while. He needs to wait a few months (or even a couple of years, if necessary) and in time, I'm sure his wife will want to play "Scrabble" again.

(Please note that I'm not saying the wife should withhold "Scrabble" from him forever and ever. She should try and set herself a timeframe for getting back into the game - but I believe that she should be the one to decide (since it was her body that gave birth to the baby, and presumably it is she who is the primary care-giver).)

[Calypso]

Asks in confusion (another person with no children here) is it really so evil to sleep during Scrabble? One of my favorite people, Linda Ellerbee, wrote in her book "And so it goes" that, when she was working on the news show "Overnight" (which I think came on 12:30 am or 1:30 am) she and her Scrabble partner came up with a new rule, that only one of them had to be awake at any given time. Otherwise, she said, with their schedules, they would never have been able to play at all.

and POD here to snapping at the "puppy" behavior. Unkind, perhaps. But, frankly, for me, nothing is more of a vocabulary killer than a Scrabble partner acting babyish. Sorry, childish/whiney behavior + Scrabble = ick ick ick, NOOOOO! 

(and, definitely, very little gets me grabbing for the tiles faster than coming home to find unexpectedly housework done. Oh, baby, you know what I like to spell!!)

[GlindaBunny]

A wife doesn't "owe" her husband a scrabble game whenever he wants it, ESPECIALLY if she's exhausted, recently had a baby, and is already falling asleep!


The puppy noises and suckling from a grown man??? EWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwwwww That'd make me not want to play scrabble with him for a very long time.


Some women can still be sore and tender at four months.

She should definitely talk to him some time when they're both awake.  Can she buy him a deck of cards or something so he can play solitaire for awhile?  "Oh, yes, honey, you play solitaire - I'm just not ready for scrabble.  Yes, yes, I'll watch..."  ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[keelhaulrose]

Asks in confusion (another person with no children here) is it really so evil to sleep during Scrabble? One of my favorite people, Linda Ellerbee, wrote in her book "And so it goes" that, when she was working on the news show "Overnight" (which I think came on 12:30 am or 1:30 am) she and her Scrabble partner came up with a new rule, that only one of them had to be awake at any given time. Otherwise, she said, with their schedules, they would never have been able to play at all.

and POD here to snapping at the "puppy" behavior. Unkind, perhaps. But, frankly, for me, nothing is more of a vocabulary killer than a Scrabble partner acting babyish. Sorry, childish/whiney behavior + Scrabble = ick ick ick, NOOOOO! 

(and, definitely, very little gets me grabbing for the tiles faster than coming home to find unexpectedly housework done. Oh, baby, you know what I like to spell!!)

I honestly think it would be really creepy to play Scrabble while your partner is asleep.

And I probably wouldn't be able to fall asleep thinking that I might wake up in the middle of a Scrabble game.

[Brentwood]

Dispensing with the Scrabble euphemism, I will say that when my son was born, my daughter was two and still nursing. I tandem nursed them for quite a while. I was a stay-home mother, and at one point or another, I always had a child in arms or on my lap. It was all I could do to get the housework done between caring for a toddler and an infant, and by the time I went to bed, I was exhausted and literally "all touched out." As much as I love my husband, it was difficult to face yet another person making physical demands on my body.

Fortunately, my husband was very understanding, and when I explained my feelings in plain language, he did see my point of view.

[willow08]

The husband needs to back off, and respect that his wife's desires and focus have now changed. They have the rest of their lives to play "Scrabble". But their baby will only be a baby for a short while. He needs to wait a few months (or even a couple of years, if necessary) and in time, I'm sure his wife will want to play "Scrabble" again.

(Please note that I'm not saying the wife should withhold "Scrabble" from him forever and ever. She should try and set herself a timeframe for getting back into the game - but I believe that she should be the one to decide (since it was her body that gave birth to the baby, and presumably it is she who is the primary care-giver).)

Agreed, but I think another valid point is that if the husband was a considerate Scrabble player, he would put some effort into getting her interested in playing.

[Bathing One]

OP here.

I called "Jane" last night.  She didn't mention Scrabble, and I didn't bring it up.  Thanks to all the posters upthread who advised me NOT to bring DH into it.

I have been giggling all the way through this thread.

And a tip to those whose who wished their Scrabble partner had the endurance for longer games: Give yourself a head start.  (Get your tiles ready to go by yourself before actual game play begins.)  It helps "lightning rounds" be more ... electrifying. 

If your partner's words are still too short, suggest that he brush up on his linguistic skills.

[Xallanthia]

If your partner's words are still too short, suggest that he brush up on his linguistic skills.

OK, I actually made it through the whole thread without laughing aloud, until this part!

[Elfqueen13]

If a friend of mine came to me with this issue, I would advise her to stop telling her husband "no" to his requests for Scrabble.  Discuss language preferences and establish clear communication regarding the use of slang.  Perhaps a Scrabble Dictionary would be advisable.  There are numerous good ones available.  Never, ever tell a husband you'd be more interested in Scrabble if he did dishes.  The Scrabble board is not the place to discuss household chores, any more than it is the place to discuss the budget or vehicle maintenance.

You have some good points.

But I have noticed (talking to friends and even myself when in the middle of a game) that REMEMBERING that the dishes haven't been done yet and I will have to do them AFTER the game is over can "throw me off my game" for a bit.

If her DH could help her get caught up on distractions/chores BEFORE they start to play - it could keep both of them in the "game zone" for a more enjoyable game.  With a very young baby - having the baby asleep, the laundry finished, the dishes done, and the chance to shower so neither of you is worried about underarm odor would do wonders for keeping your mind on the vowels and placement of your letters with the extra point squares (as it were).............

I'm sure that most men on the board could tell us about being distracted by events at work, a leaky pipe, or perhaps the car needs to go to the repair shop?  Same thing - everyone in the game needs to be thinking about JUST the game as much as possible...........and the point about having all the rules agreed on before starting & no use of slang or foreign languages (without permission before starting the game) would be an excellent idea.

I see your point, but really, with a tiny baby around, what are the odds of all the above bolded items coming into place at once?  I had a tiny one once myself; when it came to laundry, dishes and a shower, I was happy to settle for 2 out of 3.    I just feel that a healthy scrabble life is essential to a strong marriage.  To bribe a husband into doing household chores with the promise of scrabble is to place those household chores above the health of the relationship.  In my book a happy husband trumps matched socks any day.

[Brentwood]

I just feel that a healthy scrabble life is essential to a strong marriage. 

I agree, but giving in to a whining husband who acts like a baby, doesn't help out, and consistently wants to play when the wife is already half-asleep doesn't sound like a "healthy" Scrabble life.

[Elfqueen13]

Also, an apology is in order.  A real apology, not "I'm sorry I snapped but if you wouldn't do x/y/z I wouldn't have." 

While she should accept the blame for what she did, there's no reason for her to accept all of the blame for the situation. I'm thinking along the lines of "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I was very frustrated because you want X and Y but you refuse to do Z for me, but I was still out of line and I apologize for that. Now, can we talk about how to make this better?"

I don't know....I think an apology loses a lot when there's a "but", even an unspoken one.  I would probably stick with "I'm sorry for snapping.  (insert other apology stuffs here).  Later, when we've both calmed down, can we talk about our Scrabble life and what we both want in the near future?  Because I feel like you and I are speaking different languages right now."

[Elfqueen13]

I just feel that a healthy scrabble life is essential to a strong marriage. 

I agree, but giving in to a whining husband who acts like a baby, doesn't help out, and consistently wants to play when the wife is already half-asleep doesn't sound like a "healthy" Scrabble life.

The husband's behavior is bizarre, and they do need to talk about it.  But timing is a big part of talking about something like this.  When he's making advances is not the time.  Nor is immediately after the game.  If I had to guess, I'd say this behavior started up after he'd been turned down a few times.

[Giggity]

A few posters have mentioned this, and you know what? If Gish has a 102 degree fever and is feeling like hell in a basket he definitely wants to play scrabble. Boosts the immune system, you know.

I surprised Felipe with a pick-up Scrabble game once when he had a fever. He felt better right after he won, but since he wasn't too strong to begin with, he slept for like seven hours after that.

[CelticGemini]

But seriously, where does this husband get off? (no pun intended!) The baby is only four months old! I've never had a baby, but I know it can be an enormous adjustment for the mother. I've even heard that a woman's libido doesn't return until around 18 months after the birth.

The husband needs to back off, and respect that his wife's desires and focus have now changed. They have the rest of their lives to play "Scrabble". But their baby will only be a baby for a short while. He needs to wait a few months (or even a couple of years, if necessary) and in time, I'm sure his wife will want to play "Scrabble" again.

(Please note that I'm not saying the wife should withhold "Scrabble" from him forever and ever. She should try and set herself a timeframe for getting back into the game - but I believe that she should be the one to decide (since it was her body that gave birth to the baby, and presumably it is she who is the primary care-giver).)

Parking my POD right here. It's only recently that DH and I have resumed regularly playing Scrabble--and Little Celt will be two in December.  For months after she was born, we couldn't find our tiles let alone set up the board. 

If DH had pulled any of the tactics the husband in the original post did, I think I might have lost the desire to play Scrabble permanently. 

[purplemuse]

I see your point, but really, with a tiny baby around, what are the odds of all the above bolded items coming into place at once?  I had a tiny one once myself; when it came to laundry, dishes and a shower, I was happy to settle for 2 out of 3.    I just feel that a healthy scrabble life is essential to a strong marriage.  To bribe a husband into doing household chores with the promise of scrabble is to place those household chores above the health of the rel@tionship.  In my book a happy husband trumps matched socks any day.

Disclaimer:  I'll admit to being relatively new to Scrabble, and I don't have kids so I've never been in the OP's friend's situation.

That being said, I think that outright exchange of services statements or attitudes, like "I'll play Scrabble with you if you do the dishes for me" are not helpful.

But what if it's the case that an individual woman (not to make generalizations) really, legitimately gets in the mood to play Scrabble when she sees her husband doing housework-- maybe that's something that makes her feel truly loved, which in turn might make her feel affectionate, and so on and so forth.  Is it really out of line for her to say something like:  "You know, a lot of the time when you do the dishes, I end up feeling like I really want to lay down some tiles."  No guarantees; no barter; just a "just so you know, this is one thing that works for me."