How to improve a husband's "Scrabble" style

[Bathing One]

Birds do it,
Bees do it,
Even educated fleas do it!

I am speaking, to use a euphemism, of "playing Scrabble."

According to a dear friend of mine "Jane," her husband's "playing style" has gotten lax over the years.  Since they had the baby, it's gone really downhill.  Whereas the husband "Jim" used to flirt and chat to indicate that he was in the mood for a game, Jim now waits until Jane is half-asleep, then rubs up against her while moaning/whimpering ("like a puppy" was the phrase Jane used).

Jim has also developed the habit of (again, using the phrase she used) "suckling" on her shoulder while he's asleep.  She showed me her shoulder -- it's abraded from his beard stubble rubbing against it.

Last night, he did the "moan-and-grope" technique, and she snapped at him. She said some things she called "regrettable" -- she didn't tell me what -- implying that her DH was behaving like their baby. He started to cry, and Jane said something like, "Do you see what I mean?"

(I did tell her that she was being hurtful.)

DH and I have no children, so I don't have any experience with this.

Have any mothers on this board encountered this type of behavior in their husbands?  How does one fix it without hurting DH's ego?  (I did tell Jane that she does owe Jim an apology.)


[edited for delicacy]

[Harriet Jones]

Jane and her husband should talk about this sometime when they're not tired. 

It is harder to find the time *and* desire to "play Scrabble" after having kids.  I know I was tired and "touched out" for a long time.  Maybe they can set up a regular "date night" for a time that works for both of them.

[Venus193]

There are a few women in this world who can respond to non-romantic sexual overtures, but I haven't met one yet.

This couple needs to talk about this in a non-sexual situation.

[Bathing One]

Thank you, LauraF.

I hadn't heard the phrase "touched out" before, and I think that's what Jane is going through.  The baby is only four months old, and it's been a BIG change.

[Bathing One]

There are a few women in this world who can respond to non-romantic sexual overtures, but I haven't met one yet.

This couple needs to talk about this in a non-sexual situation.

I was telling my own DH about this over lunch, wondering aloud if we should offer to babysit so they can have a date night.

DH asked, "Would there be diapers involved?" with an expression of horror.

[VorFemme]

I remember this time in my life.  Not being able to stay awake during a "Scrabble Game" MIGHT get the point across to the hubby........or maybe not.  It is about the worst insult to a guy's manhood that I can think of (well, maybe not worse than pointing and laughing like the unfortunate young woman did in an early scene in the Clint Eastwood film Unforgiven - but pretty close to the top of the short list).

Do you remember the short lived television series about Dinosaurs with BIG Mupppets in all the roles?  There is one episode where the male is regretting that the mating dance hasn't been performed lately and complains to the guys at work.  Someone points out that there is a new hatchling in the household, not just the two adolescents.  She may be too tired..........

That night HE takes care of the hatchling to let her sleep.  She wakes up and sees him do it.  She tells him that that was one of the BEST performances of the mating dance that SHE's ever seen..........and they go back off screen with the male getting this dopey "I'm gonna get lucky tonight" expression on his face.

I've also read jokes about no man ever got shot in the kitchen while he was doing the dishes for his wife.

All this digression builds up to the question - has she told him that she is TOO TIRED to enjoy playing Scrabble.  But if he was to help her find the time for a quick bubble bath (or even a shower) while he bathed the baby and got it ready to go to bed (maybe even rocked it to sleep - good Daddy time) while she pampered herself and RESTED - that she might be able to find the energy to play Scrabble.........at least once in a while.

There is also the issue that scar tissue can be very painful after the recovery period - scar tissue does not stretch as well as things used to.  Being AFRAID of pain can be quite off-putting for ANY activity.  Whether physical therapy after knee replacement surgery, playing Scrabble, or whatever else you can think of.............

Perhaps a nice back rub would take her mind off being afraid of pain and help her relax?  I don't think that what he is doing is going to work out the way he wants it to.  He needs to try a different approach.......

[Bathing One]

A thousand thanks, VorFemme.

I'm going to ask DH to mention to Jim that I am much more open to a game of Scrabble when DH pitches in around the house.

(This is actually true -- DH and I have been working through housekeeping-sharing issues lately, and DH has seen firsthand how his taking the initiative in the kitchen can inspire me to take the initiative in the ... game-room.)

[Slartibartfast]

During the last few months before DD was born, DH and I worked out a compromise - I was willing to play Scrabble with him IF he gave me a good long back/foot/neck rub first.  Does wonders for my "playing" mood, truly!  I still may not have gotten "in the game" the same way I did before the baby hormones, but I was able to appreciate that DH still loved it.

[One Goat to Rule Them All]

This couple has bigger problems than lack of scrabble. She "snapped" at him until he cried, and then she continued to berate him? I'm amazed he still wants to play scrabble with this woman. Baby or no, there's no excuse for treating your spouse like that.

[Squeaks]

First I think she needs to decide if the issue is 1) she has a desire to play, but he is not very good at timing when, and she also needs to be seduced into playing, and have the build up.  or 2) she does not have a desire and so his advances are even more unwelcome.

If it is number 1,  well she needs to make the first move - that would be my advice.  Maybe guide him more to the time frame that works. 

If it is #2 then there is a whole nother issue.

As my guy always says "Men are simple creatures" sometimes you need to spell things out for him.  Tell him that once she is asleep, his attempts to play are not going to be unsuccessful and will be taken only as being rudely woken up.  Likewise tell him that baby=more tired, and maybe she needs help.

I see nothing wrong with being honest. . . or even blunt about what gets her excited about scrabble and what does not.  Tell her to tell him that whimpering puppies do not get to play scrabble - maybe site things he has done in the past.  Maybe point out she gets enough baby behavior during the day, and it certainly is not stimulating in that way.

Although to be honest I wonder if there is something else really odd going on . . . his behavior is not seeming normal. 

[rashea]

Um, I'm with Scupper. She snapped, he cried, she continued to berate him=this is beyond the need for a game of Scrabble. Someone needs to take the baby out for a nice long walk, while these two talk it out.

Maybe she's tired, or not interested, or whatever. But he's clearly confused and needs some direction. I'm wondering if the moan and grope technique is coming about because he's insecure and is hoping that she won't reject him.

Basically, this is a bigger issue that requires a lot of conversation, and possibly some counseling.

[Starchasm]

Wow.

I realize that he is probably feeling "passed over" for the baby, but acting like a baby is NOT the way to make your wife want to play Scrabble.  I got seriously creeped out just reading about how he's going about it.  It almost sounds like he's trying to guilt his wife into playing Scrabble, or at least going for the pity game.  I'm going to pod VorFemme.  What your friend is probably feeling is a combination of fatigue and fear (or at least unwillingness) to put something back where another very large something just came from.  Heck, some women need PTSD counseling after giving birth!

Your friends need to sit down, at a time where neither one is thinking about babies OR Scrabble, and discuss how each others' actions are affecting their own emotions.  She may feel angry and resentful that he expects her to play Scrabble without any effort on his part to make her want to enjoy a good game, and he may feel lonely and pushed to the side while she focuses all of her attention on the baby.  But nothing is going to get accomplished if they don't actually talk to each other about it and get everything out in the open.

And can I just say that "playing Scrabble" is the best euphemism EVER?

[BabyMama]

Wow. I can't offer any advice but I'll be watching this thread with interest--this morning when I was getting dd ready, DH asked when we'd be playing Scrabble next and I was like, "What? You wanted to play Scrabble?" His response was something along the lines of, "Er, I tossed out a couple of letters...did you not see them?" 

[Akarui Kibuno]

Wow. I can't offer any advice but I'll be watching this thread with interest--this morning when I was getting dd ready, DH asked when we'd be playing Scrabble next and I was like, "What? You wanted to play Scrabble?" His response was something along the lines of, "Er, I tossed out a couple of letters...did you not see them?" 

Aha, gotta love this one.

This makes me want to get out my Mom "real" Scrabble box to play the actual game. LOL.

The most annoying though is when you take the box out carefully (continuing with the OP's delicacy theme ) , take the board out, carefully place the letters, and the other gamer doesn't notice. Or notices after wayyy too long when you've already boxed up the game since it wasn't used.

Bah.

[lykanth]

(well, maybe not worse than pointing and laughing like the unfortunate young woman did in an early scene in the Clint Eastwood film Unforgiven - but pretty close to the top of the short list).

So to speak...