MIL and Family Holiday Parties

[Adah]

My step-MIL (SMIL) has developed a habit of asking if wayward friends of hers (those going through divorces, visiting from out of town, etc.) if can attend family holiday get-togethers, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas. This is a very sensitive area for DH and his brother, given that SMIL entered the family courtesy of an affair with my FIL and has made it clear that she considers all of us a few tiers below "her" family (her siblings, sons, etc.). DH and his brother are very sensitive to her trying to hijack traditional family get-togethers.

Anyway, recently I had some women over for a jewelry party and SMIL asked me -- in front of her friend Joan -- if Joan could come to a large family Xmas party, which DH and I are hosting. This party has up to 20 relatives who see each other, at most, once a year. None of them know Joan. I told SMIL that I'd have to check with DH but that my gut was that it wasn't a good idea. Joan completely understood (and in fact recognized the uncomfortable situation SMIL had put me in) but SMIL got a bit crass and pissy. I told DH what happened the next day and his response was, "As soon as Joan starts sleeping with someone from our family, she's welcome at family holiday parties."

An important note -- several Xmases ago, DH and brother went head to head with SMIL about this type of behavior -- inviting nonfamily to family holiday gatherings. It resulted in a huge fight and she tried to "cancel" Xmas.

So here's my question: How do I let SMIL know that her behavior is inappropriate? That these are important family traditions that  the majority of those involved want to remain as they are?

[JudiAU]

Your MIL is acting in a way that is very common and accepted in many families. In fact, many families go out of their way to include people during the holidays. So I don't think it is quite correct to say that it is "inappropriate."

I think it is probably correct to say that it is not what you and your immediate family prefer, which is quite fine.

If you host an event then I think it is fine to limit the guest list. But if you don't, expect to find a few stray guests.

[newmomma]

It sounds like you already did let her know that her behavior is inappropriate, and she didn't take it too well.  I think all you need to do is keep putting your foot down.  It'll get nasty once she starts bringing people over without telling anyone.  

[BurninDinner]

She knows.  She does it anyway.  Not a woman who has shown any consideration of family and conventional boundaries!  

As for advice... as crappy as it makes you feel, you have to be firm with her and don't let her get away with inviting people.  Joan sounded like she was wise to what SMIL is doing.  If she asks, just tell her no.  If she doesn't ask, well, come up wiht a new plan of attack.

[BurninDinner]

Judi - SMIL has been doing this for years and has already been informed it's not the way this family does it.  The "inappropriate" part isn't ever having other people, it's that she steamrolls over others' expressed wishes.

[Rei-chan]

It's obvious that your SMIL is fighting for control over the family.  I agree with the other responses, just keep on putting your foot down.  If she's anything like my SM, it will eventually come to a head, again and again and again, and the result will probably be that she doesn't go to your events and will start throwing her own to compete.  It may split the family up a bit, but at least you won't have to deal with her antics anymore. 

I feel for your situation.  Good luck.

[Alida]

She knows it's inappropriate and doesn't care, or she wouldn't have asked in front of Joan.

[Adah]

Judi - SMIL has been doing this for years and has already been informed it's not the way this family does it.  The "inappropriate" part isn't ever having other people, it's that she steamrolls over others' expressed wishes.

Exactly. And it's not that Joan isn't welcome at all -- we invited her to our family Thanksgiving at the request of SMIL since inviting wayward friends has been a tradition. It's that in certain instances, DH and his bro want traditional family holiday gatherings to remain just family. She is a major steamroller and really takes the stance of, "It's my way or the highway."

For example, yesterday she called me late in the afternoon to let me know what she was bringing to an upcoming family party. It turns out, what she wants to bring -- a ham -- is what SIL had already offered to bring and told everyone that morning via email (which is how we all have been communicating since many people are coming in from far away.) I told her SIL was already bringing ham and had emailed everyone so at 9:30 a.m. that day.

Her response: "Well, I don't do email and as your MIL, I'm telling you that I'm bringing ham." I was dumbfounded and frustrated that, once again, she was making a big friggin' production out of nothing.

BTW, FIL is useless. He just doesn't have the energy to fight her anymore. He's like an eraser that she's worn down to a nub.

[graceh9]

'well I am sure people will love extra ham to take home'

don't argue  blandly accept anything but egregious behavior

[Suze]

For example, yesterday she called me late in the afternoon to let me know what she was bringing to an upcoming family party. It turns out, what she wants to bring -- a ham -- is what SIL had already offered to bring and told everyone that morning via email (which is how we all have been communicating since many people are coming in from far away.) I told her SIL was already bringing ham and had emailed everyone so at 9:30 a.m. that day.

Her response: "Well, I don't do email and as your MIL, I'm telling you that I'm bringing ham." I was dumbfounded and frustrated that, once again, she was making a big friggin' production out of nothing.

In our family if someone was "going to bring the ham, I don't care if you like it or not!"  It would be accepted, put in the fridge, or some other out of the way spot, and then handed back to them when it was time to go home -- with the statement that "we had so much food that we didn't need it for this meal, you might as well take it home with you for later." No production number, and the best part is that the drama that it sounds like she lives on just doesn't happen. (drives the "drama queens" nuts when you do this)

My Grandma was *really* good at dressing someone down without raising her voice or seeming to do so.  But the rest of the family learned quick not to cross her. She would make you feel like crud for the rest of the day with a few well chosen words.  I really miss her.  She would have gotten a real kick out of this forum.

Suze

[ZipTheWonder]

For dinners you host, continue to be firm, even when put on the spot:  "SMIL, the dinner I'm hosting at 2 o'clock is the family dinner.  Things should wind down around 6 if you'd like to run home and have some guests at your place in the evening?  Maybe Joan would like to join you then?"

For dinners she hosts, the guest list is up to her.  Your only choice is whether or not to attend.

[kckgirl]

In our family if someone was "going to bring the ham, I don't care if you like it or not!"  It would be accepted, put in the fridge, or some other out of the way spot, and then handed back to them when it was time to go home -- with the statement that "we had so much food that we didn't need it for this meal, you might as well take it home with you for later." No production number, and the best part is that the drama that it sounds like she lives on just doesn't happen. (drives the "drama queens" nuts when you do this)

This sounds like a good solution, especially since you've already told her somebody else was bringing ham. You don't have to serve it just because she brought it. If she asks why you're not serving it during the dinner, you can just remind her that you told her in advance that it was a duplicate item.

[DottyG]

In our family if someone was "going to bring the ham, I don't care if you like it or not!"  It would be accepted, put in the fridge, or some other out of the way spot, and then handed back to them when it was time to go home -- with the statement that "we had so much food that we didn't need it for this meal, you might as well take it home with you for later." No production number, and the best part is that the drama that it sounds like she lives on just doesn't happen. (drives the "drama queens" nuts when you do this)

This sounds like a good solution, especially since you've already told her somebody else was bringing ham. You don't have to serve it just because she brought it. If she asks why you're not serving it during the dinner, you can just remind her that you told her in advance that it was a duplicate item.

I love this idea as well.  Calm.  But, effective.

[willow08]

I told DH what happened the next day and his response was, "As soon as Joan starts sleeping with someone from our family, she's welcome at family holiday parties."

OK, you owe me a new keyboard because I just spit coke all over this one. That really made me laugh.

Here's the thing. SMIL knows what she's doing is inappropriate, she just doesn't care. She doesn't care if it inconviences you or makes you uncomfortable. She just wants to get what she wants. That's why she asked you in front of Joan, to bully and manipulate you into saying yes.

We went through something similar with an aunt and uncle who were always "adopting" people and bringing them to family thanksgivings and Christmases, not always with prior notice. It got to the point that we would say , "Aunt X Uncle Y and whatever random stranger off the street they invite for dinner" when we were making up guest lists. The only way to stop it is to say no, when they ask if they can bring someone. And be prepared for some hissy fits.

And if she threatens to cancel Christmas (BTW, I'd love to hear how THAT conversation went) tell her you're sorry she's going to miss it.

[Balletmom]

Absolutely, this isn't about inviting in the Poor Wayward Stranger. This is about control and getting her place of power established. My guess is, she feels she's due more respect than she gets (perhaps she should think twice about how to earn it first instead of demanding it) as shown by the ham stand-off.

She can bring the ham, but she can't make you eat it.

I like the response about "you can have your guests later at 6."

I also think walking away from her whenever possible and smiling in an amused but distant way is a good response. She may escalate her behavior, however.

Since your SMIL's behavior is more about control and provoking anger you might want to read the book  The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It's a classic about responding to people like your SMIL that like it or not, you are in a relationship with--

It's a cult classic for those of us with difficult relatives, especially in-laws.