MIL and Family Holiday Parties

[sweedetobee]

Holidays and weddings just bring out the worst in people sometimes!

In my family there is always the "random person" invited because my mom is a softie and can't imagine anyone spending any holiday alone. However she ONLY invites the randoms to events she is hosting at HER house. She would never in a million years invite anyone to my house or any other house.

But as another poster already said, in your case it is not about the random people, it is about control. This woman sounds like she just wants to cause trouble and estrange you all from FIL and her as much as possible.

I love the response someone suggested about "the event is already full but you can have X,Y and Z over to your place later on."  If your SMIL wants to invite every random stranger to an event at her house (whether you want it to be family only or not) that is her perogative, but she should never impose randoms on you or anyone else who is hosting a holiday. I would keep giving a polite but firm "I'm sorry but we are already at capacity for this holiday.  Perhaps you can visit with Susie at your own house later."

[Adah]

I told DH what happened the next day and his response was, "As soon as Joan starts sleeping with someone from our family, she's welcome at family holiday parties."

OK, you owe me a new keyboard because I just spit coke all over this one. That really made me laugh.

And if she threatens to cancel Christmas (BTW, I'd love to hear how THAT conversation went) tell her you're sorry she's going to miss it.

That was the cleaned up version for the board. He actually said, "As soon as Joan starts schtookin' somoene from our family, she's welcome at family holiday parties."

On the cancelling Christmas, it was a huge, huge fight that I tried to mediate between SMIL/FIL and DH/Bro/SIL. In the end, SMIL announced that Christmas was cancelled (her family Christmas Eve party, that is) and she was taking FIL to Cozumel, which she did. DH and I went to BIL and SIL's house for Christmas Eve and had a fantastic time without all of her drama. It actually turned out to be one of our best family Christmas Eves.

[goblue2539]

On the cancelling Christmas, it was a huge, huge fight that I tried to mediate between SMIL/FIL and DH/Bro/SIL. In the end, SMIL announced that Christmas was cancelled (her family Christmas Eve party, that is) and she was taking FIL to Cozumel, which she did. DH and I went to BIL and SIL's house for Christmas Eve and had a fantastic time without all of her drama. It actually turned out to be one of our best family Christmas Eves.

I suppose it would be rude to tell her how nice it was to have her out of town if she mentions cancelling again.....

[blue2000]

she was taking FIL to Cozumel, which she did. DH and I went to BIL and SIL's house for Christmas Eve and had a fantastic time without all of her drama. It actually turned out to be one of our best family Christmas Eves

Oh boy, it sounds like that worked really well for her - NOT!!
I'd second (third, fourth?) other posters here to say just be calm and ignore it as much as you can. If she brings the ham, it stays in the fridge. If she tries to bring extra people...  well, OK, *they* can't stay in the fridge.
But if she can't come without them, then she can stay home.

[Lisbeth]

Since your SMIL doesn't listen to your reasons for not issuing the invitations she wants, stop giving them to her.  The next time she makes an inappropriate request, say, "Sorry, we aren't doing that" and let it go at that.

If she wants to invite these people, she can invite them to her own home.  She has no business telling you whom to invite to your home.  You and your DH are adults and can make that decision for yourselves.

[graceh9]

On the cancelling Christmas, it was a huge, huge fight that I tried to mediate between SMIL/FIL and DH/Bro/SIL. In the end, SMIL announced that Christmas was cancelled (her family Christmas Eve party, that is) and she was taking FIL to Cozumel, which she did. DH and I went to BIL and SIL's house for Christmas Eve and had a fantastic time without all of her drama. It actually turned out to be one of our best family Christmas Eves.

I suppose it would be rude to tell her how nice it was to have her out of town if she mentions cancelling again.....

well you can't say THAT  but you can certainly say 'we had the best Christmas ever last year, its really too bad you missed it'

[Tabris]

ince your SMIL's behavior is more about control and provoking anger you might want to read the book  The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It's a classic about responding to people like your SMIL that like it or not, you are in a relationship with

I love this forum because I find out about gems like this. I've put the book on reserve at my local library. thanks!

[Oxymoroness]

How do I let SMIL know that her behavior is inappropriate?

Keep putting your foot down ... on top of hers if necessary ...