Don't invite people to my party

[dietcokeofevil]

I have a group of girlfriends that get together every couple of months.  We are all either current or former co-workers.  I'm co-hosting the next party at my house in a couple of weeks.  Everyone invited is pretty close, and we have a good time catching up on work gossip and each other life's.

Yesterday 4 of us met for lunch, and one of the girls,A, mentions that she invited another former co-worker, M, to the party.

Now I didn't intentionally leave M off the invite list.  Truthfully, it never occurred to me to invite her.  She left the company over 3 years ago, so more than half of the guests do not really know her and I personally do not keep in touch with her.  She's also more than a little flighty, and has been a no-show in the past.  If A had said something to me about it, I probably would have sent M an invite after discussing with my co-host.   I'm just really irked that A would do this.  I wouldn't say our group is exclusive, but we don't invite every single female co-worker or former co-worker.  The group has just gradually developed over the last couple of years, and we've stopped inviting those who just never seemed interested.

A pulled this trick on my one time before.  At our first party, she took it upon herself to invite a male co-workers wife and another former co-worker.  Now I know both of them, because I've been at the company longer than anyone else in our group.   However, besides A, nobody else really knew these two.  They ended up not coming, and A never pulled that stunt again, so I thought I was safe. I talked this over with the co-host, and we decided that next time we'll say in our invite to let us know if you think anyone is missing from the invite list and we'll contact them.

The other issue is M was recently diagnosed with Celiac disease.  Our menu has already been decided and announced to the group, and it is not gluten-free.  So now I'm stuck trying to figure out if I should change my menu in the off chance M does show, or just let her select what she can eat from what's already available.

[sammycat]

If A wants to invite this guest, then perhaps A should provide some food that M can eat.  If she has to go out of her way to accommodate M then that may make her think twice about inviting someone before consulting with the hosts'.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I talked this over with the co-host, and we decided that next time we'll say in our invite to let us know if you think anyone is missing from the invite list and we'll contact them.

I had this happen to me a few weeks ago as well.  I can understand her actions since it is not generally a closed invitation list, but if you are actually hosting, she really should have checked with you first - even if just to let you know.  Your solution is perfect, I did much the same thing in my situation ("no problem, the more the merrier, just give me a heads up next time, so I know how clean my house needs to be!.")

The other issue is M was recently diagnosed with Celiac disease.  Our menu has already been decided and announced to the group, and it is not gluten-free.  So now I'm stuck trying to figure out if I should change my menu in the off chance M does show, or just let her select what she can eat from what's already available.

I say let the situation sit as it is - it totally stinks, I would just let A know that that menu is not gluten free (FYI), and you are so sorry, next time you will try to be more accommodating.  If you have advance notice next time (I am assuming you have already purchased the ingredients for this time and let guests know the menu), then definitely try to accommodate her, even if she has been flaky in the past.  But, if she doesnt show that time, then any time after that, I say you dont have to accommodate her, you just need to let her know the menu is not gluten free. It's like giving her a second chance, but not going to great lengths to accommodate her.  jmo, hope this helps!

[Lisbeth]

Unfortunately, since A has done this before, I'd consider not inviting A to any future events you host, as she does not respect your boundaries.

If it's okay with you if M shows up, I'd tell A to tell M that the menu is not gluten-free and to be prepared for that.  Otherwise, I think you should tell A to uninvite M.

[caranfin]

Who told you M was diagnosed with celiac disease? Did A mention it when she announced she had invited her? If so, that would have been a good time to say "Since the menu has already been decided, I'm afraid there won't be much for her to eat. You need to make sure she understands." Or did M tell you herself?

[Chocolate Cake]

Since "A" has a habit of inviting people as though she was the hostess, she's left you with no choice but to speak to her about it.    You could tell her that it's the hostess priviledge to choose her guests and that if A wants to invite others who are not in the usual group, she should do so when it is her turn to host.  Otherwise, you would appreciate it if she wouldn't add to your guest list without your permission. 

[ShadesOfGrey]

Since "A" has a habit of inviting people as though she was the hostess, she's left you with no choice but to speak to her about it.    You could tell her that it's the hostess priviledge to choose her guests and that if A wants to invite others who are not in the usual group, she should do so when it is her turn to host.  Otherwise, you would appreciate it if she wouldn't add to your guest list without your permission. 

ITA - I forgot to include this key action in my previous post!

[ZipTheWonder]

I think you need to speak to her.  Just gently tell her that you'd rather she didn't add guests to the list when you are the hostess, but that when the party is at her home, she can consider including M.

[Twik]

If M told you that A needed gluten-free food, I would contact her again (at the time she mentioned it would have been best) and remind her that she'll need to provide some herself. If it's just "general knowledge" that A needs gluten-free, I wouldn't do anything - perhaps this will teach A (who is not entirely blameless here) that if she needs special food, she needs to let her hostess know directly.

[Jaywalker]

is this a group which people take turns hosting?  if so then anyone can invite a new person (or the group can set rules about that if they wish)

is it a personally hosted party where the OP determined a specific guest list -- well then it is rude to bring an uninvited guest or to invite them

[dietcokeofevil]

I say let the situation sit as it is - it totally stinks, I would just let A know that that menu is not gluten free (FYI), and you are so sorry, next time you will try to be more accommodating.

I think I will do that.  The one girl knew the menu when she extended the invitation, so I'm going to hold her somewhat accountable.  There will be a few things that the person with celiac could eat, but not a lot.

[dietcokeofevil]

is this a group which people take turns hosting?  if so then anyone can invite a new person (or the group can set rules about that if they wish)

is it a personally hosted party where the OP determined a specific guest list -- well then it is rude to bring an uninvited guest or to invite them

We do take turns hosting, but its not like a rotational thing or even a regularly scheduled thing.  Basically someone decides that they are going to hold a party and they send out the invites, plan the menu etc.  We do typically ask for inputs about what date would work the best for everyone, but it's totally up to the host as far as what we eat and what we do.

[Peaches737]

We're pretty casual with invites, just because we normally do open houses.  However, most people will call us and check before inviting people.

I had one instance where a HS friend invited an ex BF to our housewarming party without my consent, and then got angry with me when I told her thtat she had to dis-invite him, because I was sure DH would not love to be chatting him up about the time we were dating.

The other time was an uninvited furry mammel.  I adore said furry puppy, but her mom is not so attentive, and quite irritating.  I work with mommy, so my DH didn't feel comfortable  saying that pup was invited as long as she didn't come.