"I might be dying - bring my grandchildren" tied to another topic page 5

[BusyBee]

You should attend the first Last Holiday, but go straight back to the regular rotation after that.  Then make it clear that while you're coming for Thanksgiving, you will not be able to make it for Christmas.  No matter when it happens, you will have had a recent Last Holiday with her.  Maybe you can give her one extra holiday in the year (if you can afford/tolerate it), but you shouldn't be held hostage.  You have to live your life.

What if you missed someone else's last holiday because of this game.

[hope]

I can ASSURE you that no one is going to pay for plane tickets, unless it's me.  Roundtrip tickets are $1275 for all three of us and roundtrip gas is $ 275

Plus I will need a basic motel room and meals will be at MIL's house.  She is an excellent cook.  Even though she is going blind she is able to still cook (she says).

I will do other things while the kids are visiting with their dad.  He will only be off work Christmas Eve/Day and will have to work that Friday.  So on Christmas Day I will sleep late and maybe see a movie or too while the kids spend time with him.  Then on Friday I can go over and visit with MIL and maybe drive her somewhere she needs to go.

But how can an EX mil ask YOU to pay for her granddaughter to fly out and see her?  Why isn't she asking her son to come up with the money?!?!

[majorboredom]

Or at least have him meet you halfway....

BF lives 10 hours from his daughter, and makes the trip every single time.  He should be exerting a bit more effort.  Your going above and beyond to please them here, I say.

[TootsNYC]

"Let's agree. This is going to be your last Christmas with them, so next year we won't be coming." 

Probably too harsh, but so tempting.

Perfect!

And she will be paying for gas or airline tickets, right?  Or is that suppose to be your present to her.

No, it's supposed to be simply the cost that people pay to travel to the places they need or want to go.

I really object to this "if you want me to visit you, you pay my way."

That's entitlement.

The kid's parents should pay the kid's expenses, yes, even if they are travel expenses to see someone else. We all pay for fulfilling our own family obligations.

If you can't afford to pay to go, then you don't take on the obligation to visit this Christmas, and you fulfill your obligation to be a loving granddaughter, etc., some other, more affordable way. It may mean no travel, but that's how it is.

It would be fine to say to the kid's other parent, "please fork over the money for your child to fulfill her family obligations."

But absolutely, no one should say to the grandma, "please fork over the money so your grandchild can come visit you."  And it doesn't matter if Grandma has said, "it's so important, you must come visit me." That doesn't change things. At all. Except perhaps for the kid & parent to realize that this is an important thing, and to factor that in while deciding; if I truly thought it would be a last time, I personally might borrow money to be able to go. Or, if that was unacceptable to me, I'd call more often, or something.

If you can't afford it, you say, "Sorry, it's too expensive." If grandma decides to solve that problem using her own cash, as a gift, fine, but nobody -- no, not even your fellow E-Hellions -- should be trying to spend other people's money.

[hope]

I think it is something her ex-husband should be paying for, not her.  And to not even ask if this is something she can afford, in my book, is rude.

[high dudgeon]

She didn't say this is her last holiday - she just said it might be her last holiday.  

Yes. But that's true for every holiday for every living human on earth! I might be hit by a bus before Arbor Day! There's no way of knowing for anyone. 

That being said, I had a grandparent pull this act for decades. It gets very old, very fast. I do agree that she's scared right now (unless she has a history of crying wolf or being addicted to attention). If you can swing it financially, go ahead and visit in good cheer. If you can't, then she doesn't get what she wants, no matter how many holidays she has left. I'd like to swim in an Olympic-sized pool of Godiva liqueur before I die, but other people are not required to provide that for me.

[Coruscation]

I'm interested in where this inoperable aneurysm is, actually. My FIL was diagnosed with an aneurysm a month ago and I have been doing some research. This is the first time I've come across the term inoperable.

I have read repeatedly that they do not operate on an anerysm until it is 5cm long because that is the size at which the risk of rupture exceeds the 5% chance of dying during the operation. I'm not an expert by any means but it sounds to me that she means "I have an aneurysm and the doctor isn't going to operate on it." Anyone with more experience can feel free to contradict me.

FIL was whisked to a major hospital and operated on two weeks ago, incidentally. They repaired his aneurysm. Which rather makes his promises to be dead within 10 years a lie too. According to SIL, he's been promising for 20+ years.

I'd ring up and be sympathetic and ask questions. Most people will tell you all the gory details without much prompting.

[FoxPaws]

Maybe XMIL's other health problems make surgery unwise?

I second the suggestion to get more information if you can - it will help you explain to your kids if things take a turn for the worse. As for the visits, I agree with the PPs - go this year, and then back to the regular rotation. And while I don't expect Grandma to chip in, I think Dad should be willing to pony up for his mother's sake.

[Evil Duckie]

If XMIL is in otherwise good health I would handle this Christmas as normal. If she has other health problems them I would take children.

We have a couple of relatives are hypochondriacs and try to play that I am sick and old so this might be my last Christmas and have been for 20 years. We also have a couple of relatives (opposite sides of the family) who are in terrible health but have been so for almost 10 years. We decided after a couple of years of the guilt card being played that we will not be part of it and will handle the holidays as we have normally. We decided that we will not feel guilty because we took care of our family first and gave them all the same time as we did the others.

I would get more information about her health and what care she is under going. This way you and your children can be supportive of her.

[Redneck Gravy]

I'm interested in where this inoperable aneurysm is, actually. My FIL was diagnosed with an aneurysm a month ago and I have been doing some research. This is the first time I've come across the term inoperable.

I have read repeatedly that they do not operate on an anerysm until it is 5cm long because that is the size at which the risk of rupture exceeds the 5% chance of dying during the operation. I'm not an expert by any means but it sounds to me that she means "I have an aneurysm and the doctor isn't going to operate on it." Anyone with more experience can feel free to contradict me.

I am very interested in this part of the discussion because she did tell me it was in her stomach (not abdomen-stomach) and that the doctor said they don't even consider surgery until it is 5 cm - but because of the location it was inoperable.  Perhaps she misunderstood and you can help me find out correct information, then I could aleve her fears. 

Of course, this might be her last Christmas, it also might be mine or yours or the guy living next door to me...it's the blackmail that I resent and historically she milks every illness/injury for all it's worth.

Don't expect the ex to pony up any cash.  It has taken me all year to get his wages garnished for back child support and he is over three years behind on his share of their medical expenses. There is a part of me that just wants to shout NO THAT WILL NOT BE POSSIBLE.  HAVE YOUR SELFISH, SELF CENTERED, FIFTY-YEAR OLD SON CATCH UP ON HIS FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES AND I WILL BE ABLE TO AFFORD THE TRIP.   But that is not her fault (although she raised him - and he is just like her).   I consider that just another form of blackmail - like she is doing to me already.

[Tai]

"But it could be my last *insert holiday or event here*" is one of the more annoying forms of emotional blackmail, usually used when someone else DARES to make plans that don't include the *dying* person.  Generally speaking, children have 2 parents, and those two parents didn't spring fully formed from the earth, they had parents too.  And many of us have divorced parents, so there's a SM or a SF thrown in there too. 

RedneckGravy, the only factors that need to come into your decision making on this are:

1. Can you afford it without sacrificing what YOU do for your own kids for Christmas? (I can soooo see this going down as "I gave you *insert cool present* for Christmas, what did RG get you?  Oh, pajamas... right...")

2. Is this REALLY what the kids want, or are there other family members that all y'all might want to visit?

3. Did you go last year? 


DH and I have a rotation, Thanksgiving with one set of our parents, Christmas with the other.  We have already fielded the "its elderly relative's last Christmas, you HAVE to be there!" and we just reiterate that Christmas day is for Tai's family this year, remember we were there last year?  How about another day?

[scarlett]

We have been through this with DH's ex IL's. His exFIL has been "dying" at least eight years. Always conveniently around Father's day, Christmas, and Thanksgiving. The kids (from his first marriage) have all been brought up to rally around at these occassions until I called my step-daughter on it.

We were getting ready to move overseas and she wouldn't be able to spend another holiday with us for many years. But I heard, "Grandpa is sick and this may be his last Christmas" . I told her that people who manipulate others with the "dying" card usually outlive the healthy. My Grandmother started "dying" in 1936 and didn't die until 1980. She still went to see the grandparents, but at least we know where we stand with her and that I could see through the manipulation.

This is the same "very sick" grandfather that took his two grandsons to Las Vegas on each of their 21st birthdays. Not too sick for gambling?

[hope]

How about another day?

That is the best suggestion.  Especially if you are paying for it.  (You explained, and I see why your ex-husband won't pay.)  You could check into it and then say something like "The fares are cheaper the first week of December.  We could fly out then."

[twinkletoes]

I'm kind of getting a kick out of these stories!  I guess I'm just relieved that it hasn't just happened to me.

[Rei-chan]

I'm interested in where this inoperable aneurysm is, actually. My FIL was diagnosed with an aneurysm a month ago and I have been doing some research. This is the first time I've come across the term inoperable.

I have read repeatedly that they do not operate on an anerysm until it is 5cm long because that is the size at which the risk of rupture exceeds the 5% chance of dying during the operation. I'm not an expert by any means but it sounds to me that she means "I have an aneurysm and the doctor isn't going to operate on it." Anyone with more experience can feel free to contradict me.

I am very interested in this part of the discussion because she did tell me it was in her stomach (not abdomen-stomach) and that the doctor said they don't even consider surgery until it is 5 cm - but because of the location it was inoperable.  Perhaps she misunderstood and you can help me find out correct information, then I could aleve her fears. 

I asked DH about it (he works in pathology), he says that much of what can be done depends on where it is in the stomach.  The process is embolization, which is basically where they cut off the bloodflow to the area.  This is great if it is to a small area, but let's say it is in a bigger area....to cut off the blood supply, what else are you cutting off blood to?

As to the medical aspects of it, he suggests trying to find out more about the actual location (rather than the general aspect of "the stomach"), and then you can try googling "gastric aneurysm" and the specific location.  Look for articles published in pathology journals, or other medical journals, but beware, sometimes you get graphic (at least to me) pics.


As to the etiquette part of this, honestly, I don't know how I would personally react.  On the one hand, it is again a toss up as to whether the situation is truly dire without further info.  On the other hand, sometimes you have to be better safe than sorry.  It really depends on your child's relationship with your EXMIL, as well as your finances. 

If you simply cannot make the trip, perhaps you could set up a more frequent phone schedule for them to talk to each other, or if EXMIL has a PC, maybe webcam "visits"?  This way, your EXMIL gets the time she wants, you get to schedule it to fit your needs, and hopefully, everyone comes out satisfied.....