Planning a polite escape / family holiday xmas

[supernova]

Personal information has been deleted by request.

[LuckyDucky]

Saphie,

I use the "pounding headache" as an escape route from time to time.  the secret is in careful planning.  I tend to lay the groundwork early.

Before you leave the house, mention that you have a small thumping pain in your head "but it should go away when we get there and i have some thing to eat/drink".  In our situation, RN fusses a little over me when we first get there, getting me a drink/small snack.  When asked if i need a tablet, i tell him that it's not that bad. 

Then as Idiot's rambling intensifies, wait a little while, then mention to DBF that your headache seems to be getting worse, but you will stay becasue you don't want to be a burden.  then when the Idiot gets to a point where you want to haul off and throw a glass at him, touch your DBF on the shoulder, and say very quietly, Sweetheart, i hate to do this and ruin your time, but could you take me back to the hotel.  my headache is excruciating.

When painkillers are offered, politely thank the person, but say that you find the best thing is going into a dark quiet room for a lie down.

I have used this technique plenty of times, and not once have i offended anyone.  RedNuts family are wonderful people but some times the pain of biting my lip gets to much so i plan ahead for the next visit.

People might find this mean or deceitful, but i find it is better to do it this way as my husband tends to get suspicious about "sudden ailments" whereas he knows i get really bad headaches from wearing glasses and contact lenses.  The "bonus" is that these headaches actually can't be stopped or dulled with painkillers.  so he is more likely to believe me if he can see it develop over the course of the day. 

[mumma to KMC]

Dh's family is, in a lot of ways, the same as Idiot. So take him and multiply his views by 5 or so.

This past Easter, there was a conversation that took place that I didn't feel my 4 month old son needed to hear. (Gotta nip it in the bud, even though he obviously didn't understand what was being said, next year he might and the year after and so on.) I looked at my dh and I said, "I don't think we need to be here for this conversation." DH put ds in his car seat and out we went. We were only there for about an hour and lots was said about our abrupt departure, but I don't need my child to learn hatred.

This Christmas I am planning on the same sort of thing happening because my MIL found out about her precious youngest son's child to be with a girl who isn't his girlfriend/intended of over 3 years. MIL is in denial that her precious little boy could do anything wrong. (Yeah, that is why he is sitting in the county jail right now on parole violations...) FIL said something along the lines of "girls from broken homes are like that..." Uh, yeah, my parents are divorced. So if any of this comes up during our visit to their house on Christmas, you better believe that after I tell them what I think of them and their ideas, we are outta there!

[Bob Ducca]

* Cold shocked stare, turn to DBF and say "Dear, I think I have a headache; can you take me back to the hotel?" 
* Quietly turning to DBF, murmuring in his ear, and sticking him with having to make excuses
* Turning my back and ignoring Idiot and, a few moments later, suddenly press a hand to my temple
* Turning to my hostess and asking her if, by some miracle, she happens to have any Imitrex, as I seem to have left mine at the hotel

I usually went with number 1, followed by my rising and leaving the room.  No discussion.  DH would make excuses behind me and then follow.  After a while, it just got to the point where I would say, "Okay, it's time for me to leave."

I've been there- I feel for you.

[sweedetobee]

Is DBF in on the plan? Does he also find Idiot to be offensive?  If he does agree with you, then it will be much easier to make a quick exit.

[Lisbeth]

  why not just ignore it? ignoring doesn't mean you silently agree.

Unfortunately, I think all too often people get away with real ugliness because no one stands up to them and says, "I think you're wrong about this."

And some really offensive people equate silence with agreement.  By not speaking up, you're giving this person the power to keep being offensive because no one will ever say anything.

But I also think that claiming that you have a headache is passive-aggressive and counterproductive.  I think it would make more sense to say, "Look, this is something we don't want to discuss" and change the subject.

[Adah]

A friend of mine is going through a similar situation with her husband's family. One of their ideas is to respond in agreement with such outrageousness that there can be no mistake that you think Idiot's views are wacky. So for example:

Idiot: Liberals are the most worthless people on the planet.

You: Yeah! Let's string 'em all up! All of 'em! Anyone with birkenstocks on, they're done for. All of those Land's End-wearin', Al Gore-lovin', alternative fuel car-drivin' crunchy treehuggers had better watch out! Anybody got some fertilizer?

[ShadesOfGrey]

I looked at my dh and I said, "I don't think we need to be here for this conversation." DH put ds in his car seat and out we went. We were only there for about an hour and lots was said about our abrupt departure, but I don't need my child to learn hatred.

after I tell them what I think of them and their ideas, we are outta there!

I agree that feigning a headache is PA, but I also know that sometimes, it may be the best answer someone can muster in a given situation.  I would suggest simply telling him that XXX view is particularly offensive to you, and suggest talking about about a more neutral topic.  This way, you have really given him the opportunity to stop talking about whatever bothers you, given him an idea that you have boundaries (some people really dont know what other people's boundary lines are) and given yourself the perfect reason to excuse yourself next time he refuses to respect those boundaries.  The line karolsumma used above is perfect when he starts in again (and it sounds like he will). 

I am a big fan of giving people every opportunity to respect you, but I understand if that is not the approach you want to take here, for whatever reason. 

[Bob Ducca]

To those who question the OP's need to leave rather than confront, etc.:

She said in her original post that this will be the first holiday she is spending with her boyfriend's family.  First holidays are hard, and she is the outsider.  Sometimes (speaking completely from experience) leaving is what the new person has to do to make it clear that certain things are not acceptable.  Continuing to stay can (not always) give the impression that you are a "captive" audience.

You have to judge by the individual situation.  As she spends more time with these people, her methods may change.

[mumma to KMC]

I wanted to add that during the early days of our relationship, I would have never dreamt of leaving or speaking  up at my inlaws. This wasn't good for the ride home though because EVERYTHING I thought all day long came out of my mouth as soon as we hit the car.

It was only after about a year of dealing with the inlaws and what not (Actually our first Christmas together after we were married, I challenged my BIL on something he said and I think I set a tone then...) that we came up with our current holiday "plan" of leaving if things get too heated.

[Olivia]

If I were at a boyfriend's home for the first time and his brother said something racist, I would expect my boyfriend to say "I don't tolerate that kind of talk." 

Otherwise, he wouldn't be my boyfriend for much longer. 

I don't think you should have to speak up or feign a headache during your visit. Your boyfriend and/or his parents should speak up and make sure you are not subject to such a hostile environment to start with, and the fact that they may not does not bode well for you. 

[platys]

I think its even worse to feign a headache and require your BF to take you bck to the hotel than to just calmly, and politely, say something that indicates disagreement with whatever whacked out thing the brother jsut said.  The first is a bit drama filled, honestly.

My ex-fiance had a brother I just couldn't stand for a variety of reasons, and when he'd start in on his misogynist crap, I'd just politely disagree.  Even saying something like "Oh, I haven't found that to be the case in my experience" goes a long way in shutting down that kind of talk.

[Bob Ducca]

I think its even worse to feign a headache and require your BF to take you bck to the hotel than to just calmly, and politely, say something that indicates disagreement with whatever whacked out thing the brother jsut said.  The first is a bit drama filled, honestly.

Until you have been in a person's shoes, you can't judge what is appropriate to a certain situation.  I would much rather leave the situation than precipitate a screaming argument, which is what would have happened had I disagreed openly with MIL, BIL, or SIL.  Don't get me wrong, the screaming started anyway, but I wasn't the cause.  I stopped feigning headaches, but I kept leaving until they figured out that I wouldn't be around a screaming argument on my holiday.  (And, yes, I tried just telling them that straight out, but they completely ignored it.  Really, some people do not respond to polite behavior.)

I don't think you should have to speak up or feign a headache during your visit. Your boyfriend and/or his parents should speak up and make sure you are not subject to such a hostile environment to start with, and the fact that they may not does not bode well for you. 

I married my husband, not his family.  The fact that his family are a bunch of jerks doesn't mean that our relationship was doomed, and had I ended the relationship because his family is rude, I would be missing out on the greatest thing in my life.  Reality is sometimes different than what "should" be.  The boyfriend and parents may be doing their best, but, short of refusing to invite their other son, what can they realistically do about the situation?  He doesn't sound like the type to follow rules, especially rules laid out for the benefit of a "stranger."

This situation is something that is near and dear to me, so my perspective may be a little different than some of yours.  While I agree that the ideal thing to do would be to politely disagree with him, (and the ideal result of that would be that he would stop talking) that rarely happens in real life.

[platys]

stopped feigning headaches, but I kept leaving until they figured out that I wouldn't be around a screaming argument on my holiday.  (And, yes, I tried just telling them that straight out, but they completely ignored it.  Really, some people do not respond to polite behavior.)

Oh, I totally get you on the screaming argument part.  It was bad enough the one holiday that they played the American Chopper marathon ALL DAY LONG.   Apparently, in order to build a chopper, it is important that the father yell non stop while doing no actual work.   Who knew?

However, I do think its a bit drama filled to fake a headache at the mere speaking of an objectionable statement.  A lot of people count on people not standing up to them, which is why they get away with it so long. 

Of course, it depends on who is saying it.  I did keep my mouth shut when my grandfather said a particular politician "should be shot", because, well, its my grandfather, and what are you going to do?  (I do engage my "elders" when its more of a conversation, but in this case, it was practically a random interjection.)  Now, my cousins start in with using "gay" to mean bad?  I"m going to politely point out that gay doesn't mean bad.

[Bob Ducca]

Of course, it depends on who is saying it.  I did keep my mouth shut when my grandfather said a particular politician "should be shot", because, well, its my grandfather, and what are you going to do?  (I do engage my "elders" when its more of a conversation, but in this case, it was practically a random interjection.)  Now, my cousins start in with using "gay" to mean bad?  I"m going to politely point out that gay doesn't mean bad.

We are in accord.  It entirely depends on the people and the situation.  Unfortunately, in my case, headaches were rarely "feigned..."  A few minutes with them gave me the real thing!