Planning a polite escape / family holiday xmas

[ZipTheWonder]

  why not just ignore it? ignoring doesn't mean you silently agree.

Unfortunately, I think all too often people get away with real ugliness because no one stands up to them and says, "I think you're wrong about this."

True.  But, I don't think one's boyfriend's family's (whew!) Christmas dinner table is the time to stop the madness.  I agree with your suggestion not to be passive aggressive and develop a fake illness.  It is better to redirect the conversation or to politely suggest finding something to talk about where there isn't disagreement.

[Alida]

A friend of mine is going through a similar situation with her husband's family. One of their ideas is to respond in agreement with such outrageousness that there can be no mistake that you think Idiot's views are wacky. So for example:

Idiot: Liberals are the most worthless people on the planet.

You: Yeah! Let's string 'em all up! All of 'em! Anyone with birkenstocks on, they're done for. All of those Land's End-wearin', Al Gore-lovin', alternative fuel car-drivin' crunchy treehuggers had better watch out! Anybody got some fertilizer?

The only problem with that is that people of that ilk might just think that you really ARE agreeing with them, even if you think you're responding outrageously.

[Oxymoroness]

I agree that having a "headache" is a bit passive-aggressive, but trust me when I say I think my BF will probably welcome the opportunity to escape from Idiot long enough to drive me back to the hotel.    Honestly, 90% of the reason we're going is because he hasn't seen his mom in almost 2 years and wants to spend more time with her.
Unfortunately the family gathering won't be at his mom and dad's--his mom always takes care to make sure Idiot is not around when
DBF and I visit, because Idiot embarrasses her too.  No, the party will be at the home of an aunt, uncle and assorted cousins I've never met, and all DBF can tell me about them is that they're "religious."  Which could mean anything!  *sigh*

I honestly do believe that 99.99% of the time honesty is the best policy. But I also understand how tough the situation is. If Idiot brings up a topic you can't discuss politely, leave the room. If he follows you, make your apologies to the hostess and leave the building. The impression you make wouldn't be a bad one. Better they find out then the truth of why you left then to believe later that you will happily lie if the occasion doesn't suit you.

It doesn't have to be a three-act play. Something like, "I'm very sorry, but I don't want to ruin your party by getting into an argument with Idiot, we have to go now." Who knows, maybe they'd kick Idiot out instead. 

[fluffy]

Is it possible to speak with DBF's mother ahead of time to talk about your concerns with her? We had one too many political arguments in our family (my immediate family is extremely liberal, my grandparents are extremely conservative and the aunts, uncles and cousins are all somewhere in between). We decided, as a family, that we just won't talk about politics anymore, in order to keep the peace.

I understand that you won't be able to set any topics as "off limits" because you are going to the house of more distant relatives who you haven't met before. However, it might help you to steer the conversation to more appropriate topics if you have an ally in your BF's mom.

[Twik]

Actually, the only thing "passive" about leaving is pretending it's because of a headache. Perhaps if more people simply got up and left when Idiot starts behaving according to his designation, it would sink in that they REALLY don't share his viewpoints. Arguing about his views may simply be a reward for his attention-seeking behavior.

I'd be tempted just to make sure that BF lets the family know that if Idiot starts up you'll leave "because you'd hate to cause any unpleasantness during the party". Then maybe they'll realize that the consequences are of Idiot's own making.

[Clara Bow]

Hey, I'm a liberal!! You can't tell though because I wear Crocs...lol
I think the headache idea will be fine, and I'm usually the one who annhilates people on contact for being ignorant *insert swearword* I've been called "The Terminator".
But that kind of thing is all fine and good when it's not done at a family Christmas...time and place and all. You might fix Idiot with a scathing look before you bow out though, no need to go quietly.
You must post about this dinner...I must hear details....

[Clearbrite]

I guess this is more 'tongue in cheek'than anything,but i say take a book a bury your head in that to try and 'avoid' Idiot.

This is a true story,i saw it with my own eyes.

A couple of Christmases ago,my SIL invited her gay friend and boyfriend(nothing to do with gay in general,just facts,and like most people,nice enough)to celebrate Christmas..which for my husbands family is on Christmas Eve,being that they are European.

Anyhow,the boyfriend sat at the kitchen table all night and read his book that he brought with him.

Now,not saying that he cant read a book if he wants to..but being a Christmas celebration,and invited as a guest into someones house..it just seemed somewhat rude not to face anyone or talk to anyone..even my in-laws,the hosts..yet happy enough to share in their food and drink(yet again,fine,cause its Christmas and no one can go starving)

Not sure what his 'issue' was,but it sent a very clear message!

You could do exactly the same!!

[shadowfox79]

We will be meeting up with an individual like this at the New Year party this year. He's dating my FSIL and comes from a terrible family (seriously, they treat him like dirt) so we tend to treat him nicely and smooth over the fact that he can be a git.

Only once have I come close to actually confronting him about anything. It was the year the tsunami hit. As part of the TV celebrations, a three-minute silence was held during the run-up to midnight. After the silence, everyone relaxed and started talking again, and then this guy's voice cut through the conversation.

"Deserve all they [expletive]-ing get, I reckon."

I opened my mouth to say I've no idea what, DF saw me and put a piece of chocolate in my mouth to shut me up, and then FFIL turned round and said "Nobody deserves that. Don't be bloody stupid." The boyfriend argued back with something I didn't hear because FSIL was telling him off at the same time, FFIL joined in, and the end result was the boyfriend waving everyone away with "Well, you're obviously just different from me."

Yeah. We're human.

Shortly afterwards the clock struck midnight and everyone started hugging each other, so I threw in my only form of protest against what he had said - I deliberately avoided him so I wouldn't have to hug him.

Since then I just let his idiocy wash over me. It's a much simpler strategy.

[Chirple]

Perhaps I lack true etiquette.  I am more blunt.  I would likely say "I have no tolerance for this line of discussion, I think I'll excuse myself at this point.  Y'all have a lovely afternoon (or whatever)"  and then take my leave.

Do NOT get sucked into a discussion.  When he pipes up that you are a prude, or 'what do you mean' or some other "suck you into the conversation question" just repeat "I simply have no tolerance for this discussion, if you don't know what I mean, I'm not going to waste my breath explaining.  Y'all have a lovely afternoon."  and leave.

repeat as necessary....or don't .... just leave.

[Oxymoroness]

Anyhow,the boyfriend sat at the kitchen table all night and read his book that he brought with him.

...

Not sure what his 'issue' was,but it sent a very clear message!

You could do exactly the same!!

But what would that accomplish? What the boyfriend did was extremely rude. Countering rudeness with rudeness is not very productive. If the OP did the same she'd be no better than the Idiot. If she left when Idiot got out of hand and was clear why the message would be loud and clear: "I don't tolerate abusive language."

The family would have to make a choice, but at least they would know what their options are.

[Oxymoroness]

Perhaps I lack true etiquette.  I am more blunt.  I would likely say "I have no tolerance for this line of discussion, I think I'll excuse myself at this point.  Y'all have a lovely afternoon (or whatever)"  and then take my leave.

I disagree. This would be a very polite way to handle it. Being polite does not equal sneaking around the subject. Sometimes it's more appropriate to be direct.