Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses

[LifeOnPluto]

A friend of mine with a history of being rather self-centered was invited with her partner to my daughter's first birthday barbecue. Not only did she park on our shared driveway (whereas the other 30 guests realized it would be better to park on the street so as not to block the neighbors, including my elderly and not very mobile relatives) but she turned up with a bottle of wine.... and two wine glasses. She and her partner uncorked the bottle and shared the whole thing between themselves. Not only did they not offer any to anyone else, but to bring their own fancy glasses so they wouldn't have to drink out of a plastic cup seems pretty snobby!   I found the bottle of wine in the kitchen afterwards and commented to my husband that at least they left the rest here for us.. but nope, the bottle was empty and they hadn't bothered to put it in the recycle bin on their short walk to the most selfish parking possible.   

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MY COMMENTS: I honestly don't see what these guests did wrong.

Ok, parking in the driveway might have been a bit inconsiderate, but what's wrong with bringing your own choice of wine and glasses to a BBQ? Here in Australia, the vast majority of BBQs (and house parties) specify that guests must bring their own alcohol.

Furthermore, guests don't have to bring enough to share with everyone - they just bring what THEY want to drink. And what's wrong with drinking out of proper wine glasses? Wine tastes better that way, and often glasses are more stable than plastic cups. I would certainly never criticise any of my friends if they brought their own glasses to drink out of - that's their choice, and I wouldn't see it as a personal attack on my hospitality.

Finally, I don't think the guests had to take their empty bottle to the recycling bin. It's the host's responsibility to clean up.

Any comments?

[Shores]

That would come REALLY bizarre and rude at the BBQs I have been to. While it is SOMETIMES BYOB, what's brought is always shared. And not all BBQs are BYOB. If they are, they are clearly advertised as soon when word is put out. And even then, everything brought is shared. It seems greedy to me to bring something that only you are allowed to drink to a party. Obviously the one in the story was not even BYOB and in that case, it was rude to bring your own resources. I would be shocked if I threw a BBQ where I supplied everything and someone showed up with their own private wine and glasses.

[Miss Vertigo]

I have a feeling there's probably more backstory to this than we're getting in the OP. Unless they were informed in advance, how would they know they'd be drinking out of plastic cups? I think the assumption that they were 'snobby' is a big one by the submitter. Perhaps the couple had been to a BBQ at the home before and there weren't enough glasses for everyone. Or something like that.

BYOB is usually a shared affair in the UK but I could see how this could arise.

[littleblue]

The not sharing the booze at a BYOB party seems weird to me...but bringing your own glass doesn't.  If it's a very casual get together, and a host wants to provide paper/plastic cups, I see nothing wrong with bringing your own glass for wine, especially if you clear it with the host ahead of time, which the guest in this case may have done. 

[Shores]

The not sharing the booze at a BYOB party seems weird to me...but bringing your own glass doesn't.  If it's a very casual get together, and a host wants to provide paper/plastic cups, I see nothing wrong with bringing your own glass for wine, especially if you clear it with the host ahead of time, which the guest in this case may have done. 

Since the host is the one who wrote in to Ehell, complaining about it, I don't think anything was cleared and I don't think it was BYOB.

[Venus193]

This is snobbish, pretentious, selfish, and stupid.  Crystal wine glasses are out of place at a BBQ.  This couple made themselves look like idiots.

[Emmy]

I agree with Venus.  It was a b-day party and it seemed like the host provided everything so it didn't seem like a BYOB event (where it would have been appropriate).  If you were a vegetarian or had special dietary needs, bringing food for just yourself would be acceptable.  However, if you just wanted something extra, like wine at a child's birthday party (complete with wine glasses), then it seem pretentious and rude to bring your own food. 

I disagree that the hostess should have had to clean up the wine bottle, it wasn't something she provided.

[Lisbeth]

I agree with Venus as well, but I have to disagree with Emmy that if you have special dietary needs, you still have to have enough to share with everyone or don't bring any.

This is in Miss Manners' Guide: the rule applies to people with doctor's excuses (page 95).

And I think that people who would bring their own when there don't seem to be any medical or religious restrictions in their diets, just a desire to have something that they don't plan to share, is really rude to the hosts.

[Twik]

I wonder what vintage the wine was?

If they simply thought it was BYOB, I'd give them a pass on the misunderstanding. But it does appear that (at least in the host's eyes) the message was "While we'll hang out with you plebeians, we will drink our OWN wine that meets our standards (that are far above yours), and drink, like civilized people, from crystal goblets while the rest of you swill your plonk from plastic".

In other words, they were sending a message that the host's provisioning was not adequate for their refined tastes. Perhaps it was unintentional, but I think most hosts would have gotten the implication that this couple was slumming it for the evening, but even when slumming there are some things that they couldn't put up with, like plastic glasses.

[nutraxfornerves]

In my neck of the woods, a barbecue, especially one to celebrate a child's birthday, would rarely be BYOB. You would assume that the hosts would provide everything, unless you were specifically told otherwise. It would indeed be rude to bring your own wine--it's like saying you don't trust the hosts to provide decent beverages.

[Twik]

If they'd brought their own wine, but not the glasses, I might think they simply misunderstood about BYOB.

ANd if they brought their glasses, but not the wine, I might think it was odd, but perhaps that they had some sort of rare polystyrene allergies, or other health concerns.

Bringing both, and not offering to share, does seem to say that they didn't expect things to be up to their stanrdards.

[VorFemme]

*IF* they had medical or religious problems with other drinks or plastic cups - then they might be eligible for a "Get Out of E-Hell Free" pass (if they don't get out free - they get to go to a less uncomfortable level - possibly even spend their time in a condo belonging to one of the several E-Hellions with their own accommodations - BehindBJ has a pool, a cabana, and a cabana boy [or two]).

It sounds more like it was a "we don't want to do what everyone else is doing" kind of thing (unless there are real mental issues with possibly sharing germs by picking up the wrong plastic glass - which having distinctive wine glasses that only their SO also had would calm that fear - and they swap spit with them anyway).............well, they don't get any chocolate bars, marshmallows, graham crackers, or hot dogs to cook over the fire while they toast their kiesters in EHell.  They just get to do their time - drinking plonk from a plastic cup (with lipstick smears in the wrong shade of pink on one side - just to freak them out).

[Venus193]

In other words, they were sending a message that the host's provisioning was not adequate for their refined tastes. Perhaps it was unintentional, but I think most hosts would have gotten the implication that this couple was slumming it for the evening, but even when slumming there are some things that they couldn't put up with, like plastic glasses.

This is exactly what I think.

It doesn't take Miss Manners to know that a birthday BBQ party for a child will not be the sort of occasion requiring crystal wine glasses or expensive vintages.  This was a snub.

[kingsrings]

First of all, I think it's very rude of anyone to bring their own personal food or drink to get-together - but only bring enough for themselves, unless it's for medical or dietary reasons. It's inconsiderate, because maybe others want to eat it now that they see it, but they can't. You're basically waving it in other's faces, which is childish. I've been in the unpleasant position before at parties of reaching for a food or drink item, only to be rudely told that I couldn't have that, it belonged to such and such who had brought it, leaving me embarrassed and bent out of shape.

It's also rude for anyone to bring their own utensils to a party because then you're basically telling the host that they aren't giving you what you want and haven't met their hospitality needs. If you really can't drink wine out of a plastic cup, then you're going to have to make the decision to not drink wine that night or not go to the party.

[GINO40]

If the party wasn't a BYOB, then yes it was rude to bring the wine and not share. As for bringing your own wine glasses? Rude!