Author Topic: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses  (Read 16433 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

JocelynCS

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1362
  • Mom of 3 fluffies!
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #15 on: October 04, 2008, 10:49:42 PM »

In other words, they were sending a message that the host's provisioning was not adequate for their refined tastes. Perhaps it was unintentional, but I think most hosts would have gotten the implication that this couple was slumming it for the evening, but even when slumming there are some things that they couldn't put up with, like plastic glasses.

This is exactly what I think.

It doesn't take Miss Manners to know that a birthday BBQ party for a child will not be the sort of occasion requiring crystal wine glasses or expensive vintages.  This was a snub.

Adding my agreement.  It was incredibly snobbish unless there was a HUGE misunderstanding, which the submitter does not seem to think. 

sparksals

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17334
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #16 on: October 04, 2008, 11:42:55 PM »
That would come REALLY bizarre and rude at the BBQs I have been to. While it is SOMETIMES BYOB, what's brought is always shared. And not all BBQs are BYOB. If they are, they are clearly advertised as soon when word is put out. And even then, everything brought is shared. It seems greedy to me to bring something that only you are allowed to drink to a party. Obviously the one in the story was not even BYOB and in that case, it was rude to bring your own resources. I would be shocked if I threw a BBQ where I supplied everything and someone showed up with their own private wine and glasses.

In my circle and in all my life history, if it's BYOB, it's your booze.  Everyone brings their mini cooler or adds it to a large cooler.  No one shares unless somone asks for a beer or something b/c they ran out. 

I wouldn't be happy if I brought premium beer while another person brought Bud Light and they drank my micro brew and I was stuck with a beer I don't enjoy when I paid for the beer that I do enjoy.

I see nothing wrong with the guests in the OP, although bringing their own glasses was a bit odd. 

sparksals

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17334
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #17 on: October 04, 2008, 11:45:07 PM »
First of all, I think it's very rude of anyone to bring their own personal food or drink to get-together - but only bring enough for themselves, unless it's for medical or dietary reasons. It's inconsiderate, because maybe others want to eat it now that they see it, but they can't. You're basically waving it in other's faces, which is childish. I've been in the unpleasant position before at parties of reaching for a food or drink item, only to be rudely told that I couldn't have that, it belonged to such and such who had brought it, leaving me embarrassed and bent out of shape.

It's also rude for anyone to bring their own utensils to a party because then you're basically telling the host that they aren't giving you what you want and haven't met their hospitality needs. If you really can't drink wine out of a plastic cup, then you're going to have to make the decision to not drink wine that night or not go to the party.

It could very well be in their circle, that BYOB is common and they thought they were doing nothing wrong.  I don't presume booze will be provided as parties we go to tend to be BYOB.  A dinner party is completely different than a BBQ.

I think it would be an interesting assumption to help oneself to someone else's booze at a BBQ if it wasn't clear it was BYOB.

The wine people did nothing wrong in my opinion.  They may not have realized how the host hosts.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2008, 11:51:32 PM by sparksals »

Veronica

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5158
  • the Patron Saint of Judgmental Statues
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #18 on: October 04, 2008, 11:58:43 PM »
First of all, I think it's very rude of anyone to bring their own personal food or drink to get-together - but only bring enough for themselves, unless it's for medical or dietary reasons. It's inconsiderate, because maybe others want to eat it now that they see it, but they can't. You're basically waving it in other's faces, which is childish. I've been in the unpleasant position before at parties of reaching for a food or drink item, only to be rudely told that I couldn't have that, it belonged to such and such who had brought it, leaving me embarrassed and bent out of shape.

It's also rude for anyone to bring their own utensils to a party because then you're basically telling the host that they aren't giving you what you want and haven't met their hospitality needs. If you really can't drink wine out of a plastic cup, then you're going to have to make the decision to not drink wine that night or not go to the party.

It could very well be in their circle, that BYOB is common and they thought they were doing nothing wrong.  I don't presume booze will be provided as parties we go to tend to be BYOB.  A dinner party is completely different than a BBQ.

I think it would be an interesting assumption to help oneself to someone else's booze at a BBQ if it wasn't clear it was BYOB.

The wine people did nothing wrong in my opinion.  They may not have realized how the host hosts.

It might be a regional thing.  I've never been to a bbq where people brought alcohol only for themselves.  It's always been combined, usually on a table, and people take what they want. 

I actually can't remember the last time I went to a bbq where it wasn't a combination of hosted and BYOB.  Usually the host provides hard liquor and a lot beer and the guests bring a six pack of their favorite beer and everyone shares. 

Florida

Shores

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7668
  • F.O.E.
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #19 on: October 05, 2008, 03:42:18 AM »
That would come REALLY bizarre and rude at the BBQs I have been to. While it is SOMETIMES BYOB, what's brought is always shared. And not all BBQs are BYOB. If they are, they are clearly advertised as soon when word is put out. And even then, everything brought is shared. It seems greedy to me to bring something that only you are allowed to drink to a party. Obviously the one in the story was not even BYOB and in that case, it was rude to bring your own resources. I would be shocked if I threw a BBQ where I supplied everything and someone showed up with their own private wine and glasses.

In my circle and in all my life history, if it's BYOB, it's your booze.  Everyone brings their mini cooler or adds it to a large cooler.  No one shares unless somone asks for a beer or something b/c they ran out. 

I wouldn't be happy if I brought premium beer while another person brought Bud Light and they drank my micro brew and I was stuck with a beer I don't enjoy when I paid for the beer that I do enjoy.

I see nothing wrong with the guests in the OP, although bringing their own glasses was a bit odd. 
Except it WASN'T a BYOB barbecue.
Wherever you go.... there you are.

LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6519
    • Blog
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #20 on: October 05, 2008, 03:58:58 AM »
Maybe this is a regional thing. But as an Australian, my experience is that the majority of BBQs are BYO, unless the host specifies otherwise. This might have been what happened here? Maybe it was the "done thing" in their social circle to BYO, and writer/host of this BBQ failed to stipulate that they were hosting everything themselves, hence the misunderstanding?

As for bringing drinks just for yourself, again I don't see anything wrong with that. As Sparksals said, why should one person have to watch as all their expensive beers are snaffled up by other guests who are too lazy or stingy to buy their own decent grog?


Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3385
  • Aussie's Rule
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #21 on: October 05, 2008, 04:11:56 AM »
Maybe this is a regional thing. But as an Australian, my experience is that the majority of BBQs are BYO, unless the host specifies otherwise. This might have been what happened here? Maybe it was the "done thing" in their social circle to BYO, and writer/host of this BBQ failed to stipulate that they were hosting everything themselves, hence the misunderstanding?

As for bringing drinks just for yourself, again I don't see anything wrong with that. As Sparksals said, why should one person have to watch as all their expensive beers are snaffled up by other guests who are too lazy or stingy to buy their own decent grog?



Yup, wouldn't worry me at all.

But, then I'm in Australia too, pretty normal for here.

                          The Southern Cross Flag. Australia

sparksals

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17334
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #22 on: October 05, 2008, 11:15:56 AM »
That would come REALLY bizarre and rude at the BBQs I have been to. While it is SOMETIMES BYOB, what's brought is always shared. And not all BBQs are BYOB. If they are, they are clearly advertised as soon when word is put out. And even then, everything brought is shared. It seems greedy to me to bring something that only you are allowed to drink to a party. Obviously the one in the story was not even BYOB and in that case, it was rude to bring your own resources. I would be shocked if I threw a BBQ where I supplied everything and someone showed up with their own private wine and glasses.

In my circle and in all my life history, if it's BYOB, it's your booze.  Everyone brings their mini cooler or adds it to a large cooler.  No one shares unless somone asks for a beer or something b/c they ran out. 

I wouldn't be happy if I brought premium beer while another person brought Bud Light and they drank my micro brew and I was stuck with a beer I don't enjoy when I paid for the beer that I do enjoy.

I see nothing wrong with the guests in the OP, although bringing their own glasses was a bit odd. 
Except it WASN'T a BYOB barbecue.

I don't see anywhere in the OP that it was or was not BYOB.   She just said they brought their own wine.  Maybe he couple in question doesn't like beer.  Maybe they have dietary restrictions disallowing them from drinking beer.   Instead of assuming it would be provided, they brought their own.  It could be the way it's done in their circle of friends. 

My point is that the only thing I found 'odd' was they brought their own glasses.  I don't think the guests made a faux pas by parking in the driveway or by not putting the bottle in the recycle bin.  I think there's more to this story and a bigger history with this friend and the OP than she posted.

sparksals

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17334
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #23 on: October 05, 2008, 11:19:23 AM »
Maybe this is a regional thing. But as an Australian, my experience is that the majority of BBQs are BYO, unless the host specifies otherwise. This might have been what happened here? Maybe it was the "done thing" in their social circle to BYO, and writer/host of this BBQ failed to stipulate that they were hosting everything themselves, hence the misunderstanding?

As for bringing drinks just for yourself, again I don't see anything wrong with that. As Sparksals said, why should one person have to watch as all their expensive beers are snaffled up by other guests who are too lazy or stingy to buy their own decent grog?



Exactly.  If I was in Australia, I would probably bring Crown to a BBQ.  Someone else may bring VB, which I'm not a fan of.  Why should my 'Crown' be left for everyone to drink and then I'm left to drink something I don't like.

Unless the group as a whole drinks the same kind of beer, everyone keeps their own and drinks just that. 

Clara Bow

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 18183
  • I gotta go.
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #24 on: October 05, 2008, 11:34:22 AM »
I wonder what vintage the wine was?

If they simply thought it was BYOB, I'd give them a pass on the misunderstanding. But it does appear that (at least in the host's eyes) the message was "While we'll hang out with you plebeians, we will drink our OWN wine that meets our standards (that are far above yours), and drink, like civilized people, from crystal goblets while the rest of you swill your plonk from plastic".

In other words, they were sending a message that the host's provisioning was not adequate for their refined tastes. Perhaps it was unintentional, but I think most hosts would have gotten the implication that this couple was slumming it for the evening, but even when slumming there are some things that they couldn't put up with, like plastic glasses.

Swill your plonk from plastic is now my new favorite phrase.
I have finally found the bar I can't get thrown out of....

Sophia

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 11729
  • xi
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #25 on: October 05, 2008, 11:38:27 AM »
This was a child's first birthday party.  The guest of honor was 12 months old.  I am the last person to say "They could have gone a couple of hours without alcohol" but I'll say it this time.  

LJM

  • Guest
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #26 on: October 05, 2008, 04:39:33 PM »
"...with a history of being rather self-centered..."

I'm sure this figured very strongly into how the OP read the friend's actions.

Now, whether this means "OP had a chip on her sholder with regard to this friend, and so read into an innocent mistake an insult that wasn't there" or whether it means "it was painfully clear what message the guest intended to send, because it was just one incident in a string of incidents which left no doubt", I can't say-- so I'll refrain from passing judgment on either of them based on just this vignette.  ;)

Deetee

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5521
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #27 on: October 05, 2008, 04:58:45 PM »
If this happened at one of my parties (I generally host and provide food and some drinks. People usually bring some extra beer and wine) I might think it's a tad odd, but really I don't think I would notice. People show up, I say Hi, I offer them a drink, direct them to the food and that's about it. Drinks are generally self serve, but I get them glasses or perhaps pour them a first drink (more likely with early guests).

So while the behaviour is a little odd, I would have a hard time noticing or caring enough to complain about it. (If they parked in the wrong place I would ask them to move. I would never assume people know that they can't park in my driveway.)

This strikes me as an incomplete story with some background I don't know about.

As an aside, most one year olds birthday parties I've been invited to have had alcohol, no gifts and often the guest of honour naps through most of it. They are excuses to get together. I would find drinking inappropriate at a kids birthday party (ages 8-18) but not at a younger kids party. Somehow it seems more inappropriate as the kid gets older.

littleblue

  • Guest
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #28 on: October 05, 2008, 05:22:13 PM »

In other words, they were sending a message that the host's provisioning was not adequate for their refined tastes. Perhaps it was unintentional, but I think most hosts would have gotten the implication that this couple was slumming it for the evening, but even when slumming there are some things that they couldn't put up with, like plastic glasses.

I see your point, but on the other hand, I frequently go to parties where people's tastes run from the 'connoisseur' to the 'cheapest bottle available out of whatever vessel is available'.  At quite a few casual/student parties, the host will provide paper/plastic, and someone who wants to will usually bring a few wine glasses, with the idea that they will take them home and wash them.  This is particularly common at BBQs.  If the poster was used to the 'bring your own stuff' variety of BBQ which seem fairly common is Australia/New Zealand, or a recent university graduate, where it's often not safe to assume that people have their own stuff, then I'd give the person a pass.

Sophia

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 11729
  • xi
Re: Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses
« Reply #29 on: October 05, 2008, 05:39:26 PM »
But was anyone else even drinking alcohol?  It was the birthday party for a one year old.  While there are probably some parties where the adults drink, I don't think a child's birthday party can be assumed to be BYOB.