Guests: The BBQ Guests who brought their own wine and wine glasses

[kingsrings]

Evil kingsrings wonders what their response would of been if someone had come up to them and enthusiastically said, "Wow, that looks like really good wine. I can't wait to try it!", then put out their cup to be poured in with a big grin on their face....

[Drunken Housewife]

I think if it's that important to someone to get to drink their particular drink, they should consider staying home to drink in peace.

Being in a group can mean compromises.  I take things I like to drink if I go to a BYO party, and I present them to the hostess or throw them into the communal pool, pouring myself a drink as I do so.  If later I see I don't like anything left, the partygoers having downed my drinks, I just make do or go without (despite my tongue-in-cheek name here, I can go without alcohol).  I can always have a drink at home if I need to.

I'm a frightful beer snob, and I'll go without rather than drink bad beer.  That doesn't mean I consider any beer I bring to an event to be my personal property which no one else may touch.  If I felt that possessive about it, I should stay home with it.

[sparksals]

But, as a rule, people don't bring their own cutlery/plates/glasses to a picnic. 

Unless, of course, they keep strict kosher, in which case they can't touch food or alcohol that's been in a glass that may have (even ten years ago) contained something non-kosher, like Clamato juice or cream of chicken soup. They also wouldn't eat any of the barbecue, though, and I can't see anyone with any sense bringing wine to a baby's birthday party, whether they keep kosher or not.

But why is nobody noticing that the two of them polished off a bottle of wine, then drove away? I think driving with a couple of glasses (or more) of wine under your belt is a bit worse than having bad manners.

Dh and I can share a bottle of wine and be perfectly fine. 

[sparksals]

I think if it's that important to someone to get to drink their particular drink, they should consider staying home to drink in peace.

Being in a group can mean compromises.  I take things I like to drink if I go to a BYO party, and I present them to the hostess or throw them into the communal pool, pouring myself a drink as I do so.  If later I see I don't like anything left, the partygoers having downed my drinks, I just make do or go without (despite my tongue-in-cheek name here, I can go without alcohol).  I can always have a drink at home if I need to.

I'm a frightful beer snob, and I'll go without rather than drink bad beer.  That doesn't mean I consider any beer I bring to an event to be my personal property which no one else may touch.  If I felt that possessive about it, I should stay home with it.

So people who prefer their own booze that they brought to a party are possessive and should stay home even in circles who go by the BYO principle that it is your own booze for your own consumption?

[kingsrings]

Talking from a general etiquette standpoint, yes.

[Sophia]

Are there etiquette-maven approved rules for BYOB?  I am not being snarky, just asking. 

It would never occur to me to drink someone else's alcohol at a BYOB party.  Particularly since if that rule were followed I'd be trading my Koestrizer black lager for canned urine. 

[sparksals]

Talking from a general etiquette standpoint, yes.

I would like to see something cited in an etiquette book on that one!  This is your opinion, KR.  It's not etiquette.  Just like many other issues here (I won't mention them, we all know what they are), many are regional and dependent on social circle. 

[sparksals]

Are there etiquette-maven approved rules for BYOB?  I am not being snarky, just asking. 

It would never occur to me to drink someone else's alcohol at a BYOB party.  Particularly since if that rule were followed I'd be trading my Koestrizer black lager for canned urine. 

Exactly!  I think it's extremely entitled to expect everyone to share or to go grab someone's cooler without at least asking.  To assume you can just help yourself to someone else's booze is rude - in my circle.

[Veronica]

Are there etiquette-maven approved rules for BYOB?  I am not being snarky, just asking. 

It would never occur to me to drink someone else's alcohol at a BYOB party.  Particularly since if that rule were followed I'd be trading my Koestrizer black lager for canned urine. 

Exactly!  I think it's extremely entitled to expect everyone to share or to go grab someone's cooler without at least asking.  To assume you can just help yourself to someone else's booze is rude - in my circle.

I'm trying to visualize how your bbqs are done.  Are they usually in a park or at a house with a big yard?  Where ours are there wouldn't be room for people to bring coolers of their own.  Do you kind of pick a spot and make it your own area? 

[kingsrings]

Talking from a general etiquette standpoint, yes.

I would like to see something cited in an etiquette book on that one!  This is your opinion, KR.  It's not etiquette.  Just like many other issues here (I won't mention them, we all know what they are), many are regional and dependent on social circle. 

Yes, there are many different ways of doing things in different social circles on this board. However, to avoid endless debates that go nowhere, we all go by the general etiquette standpoint on most issues.

For instance, some on here might think that money dances are the greatest things in the world and they have never been to a wedding that didn't have one or where it wasn't acceptable. But since general etiquette standpoint says that money dances are wrong, that's what this forum says.

I wish I could find etiquette citations from experts on this issue. So far, I have had no luck filtering out the search engine on BYOB etiquette - wayyy too much stuff comes up!

The only BYOB etiquette from MM that came close was her opinion that nobody above the starving college student age should ever have a BYOB party, that once you are an adult, you have outgrown that phase of your life and shouldn't have BYOB parties, not acceptable etiquette-wise.

[sparksals]

Are there etiquette-maven approved rules for BYOB?  I am not being snarky, just asking. 

It would never occur to me to drink someone else's alcohol at a BYOB party.  Particularly since if that rule were followed I'd be trading my Koestrizer black lager for canned urine. 

Exactly!  I think it's extremely entitled to expect everyone to share or to go grab someone's cooler without at least asking.  To assume you can just help yourself to someone else's booze is rude - in my circle.

I'm trying to visualize how your bbqs are done.  Are they usually in a park or at a house with a big yard?  Where ours are there wouldn't be room for people to bring coolers of their own.  Do you kind of pick a spot and make it your own area? 

If the host specifies BYOB, then we bring our mini cooler, not one of those honking big coolers.  If alot of people are coming, then most people bring their own lawn chairs, so the cooler is placed wherever we are sitting.  The BBQ is usually in someone's back yard or in a park. 

In the winter, the hosts usually provide a couple large coolers and other guests will bring their personal cooler (a smaller version) with their bevvies in it.  In the case of wine or hard liquor, people don't touch it.  It's just a given.  If it's not yours, you don't touch it unless you ask. 

[sparksals]

Talking from a general etiquette standpoint, yes.

I would like to see something cited in an etiquette book on that one!  This is your opinion, KR.  It's not etiquette.  Just like many other issues here (I won't mention them, we all know what they are), many are regional and dependent on social circle. 

Yes, there are many different ways of doing things in different social circles on this board. However, to avoid endless debates that go nowhere, we all go by the general etiquette standpoint on most issues.

For instance, some on here might think that money dances are the greatest things in the world and they have never been to a wedding that didn't have one or where it wasn't acceptable. But since general etiquette standpoint says that money dances are wrong, that's what this forum says.

I wish I could find etiquette citations from experts on this issue. So far, I have had no luck filtering out the search engine on BYOB etiquette - wayyy too much stuff comes up!

The only BYOB etiquette from MM that came close was her opinion that nobody above the starving college student age should ever have a BYOB party, that once you are an adult, you have outgrown that phase of your life and shouldn't have BYOB parties, not acceptable etiquette-wise.

Gee, now we're immature because we're in our 40's and still attend BYOB functions?  Wow. Just. Wow.

The money dance issue doesn't even come close to BYOB.  For one thing, no one is asking for money.  In fact, assuming you can help yourself to someone else's booze is pretty entitled.   People are just bringing their own booze, expecting to drink what they bring and that no one else help themselves without asking.  It's general consideration and social circle-centric.  Guess my circle is pretty immature, according to your 'synopsis' of MM.  I still stand by my statement that this is just your 'opinion'.  If you feel entitled enough to help yourself to someone else's booze, why not just help yourself to what's on their dinner plate too. 

[Veronica]

Are there etiquette-maven approved rules for BYOB?  I am not being snarky, just asking. 

It would never occur to me to drink someone else's alcohol at a BYOB party.  Particularly since if that rule were followed I'd be trading my Koestrizer black lager for canned urine. 

Exactly!  I think it's extremely entitled to expect everyone to share or to go grab someone's cooler without at least asking.  To assume you can just help yourself to someone else's booze is rude - in my circle.

I'm trying to visualize how your bbqs are done.  Are they usually in a park or at a house with a big yard?  Where ours are there wouldn't be room for people to bring coolers of their own.  Do you kind of pick a spot and make it your own area? 

If the host specifies BYOB, then we bring our mini cooler, not one of those honking big coolers.  If alot of people are coming, then most people bring their own lawn chairs, so the cooler is placed wherever we are sitting.  The BBQ is usually in someone's back yard or in a park. 

In the winter, the hosts usually provide a couple large coolers and other guests will bring their personal cooler (a smaller version) with their bevvies in it.  In the case of wine or hard liquor, people don't touch it.  It's just a given.  If it's not yours, you don't touch it unless you ask. 

Okay, I can see it now.  It sounds like an unhosted party.  I can see if everyone has their own coolers it would be weird to go in and take a drink you didn't bring.

The last bbq I went to is typical of the ones around here.  It is at someone's house and people are inside and outside.  Everyone usually brings beer and maybe some meat to grill.  The beer is given to the hosts who put it in the refigerator or in a bucket of ice outside.  The hosts usually provide mixed drinks and buy a few cases of beer themselves.  Everyone shares equally.  If the beer you brought is still there when the party is over the hosts keep it.   It would be considered very strange to object to someone drinking a beer that you brought. 

[goblue2539]

The only BYOB etiquette from MM that came close was her opinion that nobody above the starving college student age should ever have a BYOB party, that once you are an adult, you have outgrown that phase of your life and shouldn't have BYOB parties, not acceptable etiquette-wise.

Gee, now we're immature because we're in our 40's and still attend BYOB functions?  Wow. Just. Wow.

The money dance issue doesn't even come close to BYOB.  For one thing, no one is asking for money.  In fact, assuming you can help yourself to someone else's booze is pretty entitled.   People are just bringing their own booze, expecting to drink what they bring and that no one else help themselves without asking.  It's general consideration and social circle-centric.  Guess my circle is pretty immature, according to your 'synopsis' of MM.  I still stand by my statement that this is just your 'opinion'.  If you feel entitled enough to help yourself to someone else's booze, why not just help yourself to what's on their dinner plate too. 

Number one, I don't see why kingsrings should be yelled at, snarked at, or otherwise held accountable for what she found Miss Manners said.  She's just the messenger.  Nowhere did I see her say that was her exact opinion as well. 

Number two, I think there's a little bit of a misunderstanding.  I can see why someone going into your own personal cooler would be completely rude.  Most of us aren't familiar with that kind of party (from what's been commented on) and while we can and appear to have accepted that it can be done that way, the fact remains that it wasn't by any account the type of party that was originally reported.

Number three, this is NOT about a BYOB party!!!!!  This is about people who brought wine and glasses to a party when they apparently weren't expected to bring them.  While we can't be sure, I think it's incredibly insulting to the submitter to assume too far in the other direction and automatically start reading into it that she had a bone to pick.  I have yet to see any convincing argument or reason to believe that this wasn't what the submitter believed it was. 

[Midnight Kitty]

The guests in the OP that brought their own wine glasses are a bit "snobby."  I understand that some people have high standards and don't like drinking out of disposable cups, but bringing your own glasses to a BBQ illustrates to everyone present that your standards are higher than theirs.

Personally, I don't like using disposable anything, so I bring my own plastic plate(s) and cup(s) and endure the ribbing good-naturedly.  "Yep, I'm a rabid tree-hugger.   That's why I don't use disposable stuff.  Did I mention my career in environmental engineering?  Well, I don't just talk the talk, I walk the walk, too!"

Now, my take on BYOB to a BBQ.  I've also attended Baby's First Birthday Luaus here in the islands.  I've been to a (as in "one") BFB Luau where all the food and drink was provided by the hosts.  We, as guests, brought a gift for the birthday girl, but no food or beverage.  I found out later that some of the hosts' friends and family cooked &/or donated most of the food & beverages served.

Usually, for a BBQ, the host provides some meat for the grill, some beverages, and all the utensils and condiments.  Without being asked, all the guests brought meat for the grill &/or side dishes for the communal table.  Everyone brought what they wanted to drink, but they put it in the host's cooler (host provided the ice).  No one needs to say "This party is potluck."  Guests always bring a dish.  You aren't considered rude if you don't bring anything; You just aren't acting like a local.

I've been to parties where I only got one glass of wine from the bottle I brought, but that's because people share my taste in wine.  Sharing and trying different dishes/beverages is part of the fun.  I've heard people say, "Kitty, you might like the apricot beer I brought.  It's in the cooler over there."

Not everything has to be shared.  DH will only drink Diet Coke.  No regular Coke and never Pepsi or generic soda.  His Diet Coke stays in the insulated portion of his backpack with the blue ice.  My bottle of wine goes on the communal table to be shared.  So we do it both ways: Share our BYOB and keep it for our exclusive use.  No one has ever commented on it.

DH always carries Diet Coke with him.  He doesn't mind being called a "Coke snob."  In fact, I think he's proud of it.