rather odd sutation (concerning gifting cash to kids)

[gadget--gal]

my mum and I were having a conversation this afternoon where this cropped up and she told me about it.

a couple  of years ago, mum had a houseguest "Andrew", (her *very* close friends asked her to take in a guest from the old country for about 3 months). I remember because I was living at home for part of this period. well, treated his like a proper guest, made breakfast, lunch, dinner. When she had time off work, she took him sightseeing a couple of times. he didn't pay any board, but she welcomed the company. It did get a bit old when he wouldn't lift a finger for himself, not even to heat his lunch. that was the only downside.

A few months after he'd returned home, my mum, aunt and uncle took ta trip to the old country and they visited his town for a long weekend. This is the part she told me about:

They stayed nearby Andrew's house for the weekend, and they were to go to his house for their meals his wife had cooked and the children (teenagers) did the serving. on the Sunday after lunch or dinner, mum aunt and uncle, thanked the couple for the hospitality and said they had something for the kids. the kids came into the room, mum thanked them for the kindness and said she had money for them. and gave it to their mother, for the kids.

The kids had apparently gone forward for the money; but when my mum handed it to the mother the kids got huffy, retreated back to the wall facing hem, and stood with their hands folded, *maybe put out*. Andrew then got a bit abrupt and said it was time for him to drop them back at their lodgings, and nothing more was said. Apparently he was short with them the rest of the day. Uncle surmised that my mum should have given the money straight to the kids. Mum can't figure out why she did that, but it was done.

for the record, she had given them £10 each, which in the old countrye's currency is a LOT of money for a stranger to gift a teenager. (put it this way, I lived on £120 spending money on a 2-week holiday, living like a tourist, which cash to spare). mum was partly hoping they'd be mollified when they saw the amount later.

anyhoo, next day, Alex came to drop them at the station. Mum brought it up, saying she hadn't meant to cause offence (not really knowing what the offence would be).Alex just snapped 2you should have given it straight to them!" and that was that. no "thanks for the money","sorry for the abrubtness", nothing.

Andrew's wife wants nothing to do with why mother, either. she spoke to my aunt (never met aunt before that weekend) and mentioned that her son needed a invitation for a visa, Aunt said mum might help if she asked but wife said she didn't want to tell mum anything.. but if aunt told her, that was fine)
 

so what I'm wondering is, was my mum's action such a huge faux pas? in my culture, people seldom go out of their way to thank youngsters or give them presents for helping to host. so surely even if she gave the money to their mother, in their presence, surely the gesture was not lost?

of and the kicker, Andrew fancies another break. he contacted his friends, who've contacted my mum! she's already agreed to him coming  at the end of the month, but he has to fend for himself this time...

[ClaireC79]

Unless it was because she didn't have the correct change to give each child I am puzzled as to why she gave the money to the mother.  Not saying it was rude just unusual as they were in the room.  As to why the children were put out it's possible they know that money won't get to them (either at all or just not to spend as they want)

[Shores]

That's just bizarre.. not knowing which country is "the old country", I couldn't even guess about it being a cultural thing, but it just sounds rude of the family to me.

[gadget--gal]

Unless it was because she didn't have the correct change to give each child I am puzzled as to why she gave the money to the mother.  Not saying it was rude just unusual as they were in the room.  As to why the children were put out it's possible they know that money won't get to them (either at all or just not to spend as they want)

i was puzzled myself,but mum said she just "did it". i could imagine the upset if it was somone they didn't trust. but she gave it to their mother in front of them. it's  even more strange that the parents are angry with my monther. 

[gadget--gal]

That's just bizarre.. not knowing which country is "the old country", I couldn't even guess about it being a cultural thing, but it just sounds rude of the family to me.

it's west africa. normally if a kids commits a faux pas they'd be made to apologise or at the very least the parents would say something on their behalf. ut what's strage is that they're all angry and they held onto that anger for quite a while

[cicero]

is it the norm in that culture to give money as a gift? to children? and such a large amount? could it have been seen as 'insulting' in some way - your mom implying that they don't have enuf, or being seen as patronizing ("i have money, i did well in england, and you are stuck in this poor country")?

[gadget--gal]

is it the norm in that culture to give money as a gift? to children? and such a large amount? could it have been seen as 'insulting' in some way - your mom implying that they don't have enuf, or being seen as patronizing ("i have money, i did well in england, and you are stuck in this poor country")?

that's some food for thought... but to this family I doubt it. Andrew works at the univesity nearby (mum, aunt and uncle slept at the campus) and the wife is a nurse. My mother is a nurse too. Moreover they must earn enough for Andrew to take 3 months off, to holiday in England and buy stuff (inc. a computer) to take back with him.

It's not unheard of to give cash to a youngster is some situations, though people wouldn't normally go out their way to thank kids for their part in the hospitality.  They just seem to be hung up up on the fact that my mum gave it to their mother.

[Sharnita]

Unless it was because she didn't have the correct change to give each child I am puzzled as to why she gave the money to the mother.  Not saying it was rude just unusual as they were in the room.  As to why the children were put out it's possible they know that money won't get to them (either at all or just not to spend as they want)

I don't get why she wouldn't just hand it to the kids either.  If I were the kids I might be a bit puzzled but I don't think I'd act put out.  I might be a bit turned off if my hospitality was treated like a service one payed for, though.  If I host you as a guest it is because I want to, not to make money. 

[Starchasm]

Granted, my experience with West Africa is limited to history classes (I basically majored in African History) and a Nigerian exchange student, but could Andrew be angry because you gave it to his wife, rather than himself as man of the house?  Money passing from a woman, to a woman, for distribution to his children may not sit right if they are still in a traditional man-as-ultimate-head-of-house mentality.  He may see it as an affront to his dignity and authority.  His wife may not be angry, she may just be forbidden from speaking to your mother.

[Fi]

Growing up, cash was a frequent gift from uncles, aunts and the like.

As a teenager in particular, I'd have been mortified if a family guest had said they were going to give me money and then given it to my mother.

It's not that as a teenager I didn't trust my parents - it's the fact that there's an implication of "you're not mature enough to handle money". It would have struck me and my parents as very patronising.

In the event of not having correct change, usually it was given to one of us siblings and we divvied it up later.

Most of my monetary gifts went into my bank account, at my decision. The most parental input that way was me sometimes handing it to my dad to bank for me, purely because he worked in the bank.

[Minmom3]

Gadget-gal, I think your mother is setting herself up to be treated like a hotel again, only maybe worse than last time, since Andrew was peeved about the money thing...  Just my opinion... 

[immadz]

I lived in West Africa when  was younger and yes giving monetary gifts are pretty standard. However, they were always handed to me directly. Handing them to my mother could potentially be taken to be charity because they couldn't take care of their own children. Especially if the children were old enough to be handed money. And more especially if your mother not West African herself.

However, it was up to Andrew to explain that to your mother and smooth waves and the way they reacted to it was still impolite. I am further flummoxed that Andrew wants your mom to play host again and that your mother agreed.

[Hopefull]

I don't understand why your Mom is even having him over again. He couldn't even give the courtesy of asking her himself. Your Mom may want to give him a heads up that he will have to fend for himself this time.

[blarg314]

Even if it were a faux pas, I don't see getting angry over it, and holding on to that anger for such a long time. It seems a really bizarre way to treat a guest who is being generous.

I would, however, let the guy fend for himself completely this time, and expect him to help around the house while he was there.

[amandaelizabeth]

When I was young, so time ago now, my parents insisted that if we were given money, it had to go to them first.  Apparently it was for our protection, so that they knew who was giving us money and why.  If I  think about it, I would probably do the same with my daughter now.  It is part of being careful with people who may not know you too well.