Author Topic: Ten guilt-free ways to say no  (Read 6374 times)

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Rosgrana

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Re: Ten guilt-free ways to say no
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2008, 07:16:08 PM »
I disagree with the very first one!

Quote
1. Request: A friend in need asks for a Trump-worthy loan.

What you should say: "I wish I could, but as a rule, I don't lend money to friends."

First bolded bit suggests you're open to persuasion since, after all, this is something you want to do.

Second bolded bit invites the assumption that this is the exception to that rule.

Black Delphinium

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Re: Ten guilt-free ways to say no
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2008, 07:22:24 PM »
I think they're all kind of awful.
When angels go bad, they go worse than anyone. Remember, Lucifer was an angel. ~The Marquis De Carabas

K12144

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Re: Ten guilt-free ways to say no
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2008, 11:13:55 AM »
I don't like them either.  I think they give far too many excuses.

#1: I'd far rather just say "I don't have any spare money."  Otherwise, yes, it DOES sound like you think they're untrustworthy.

#4: What's wrong with, "I really enjoy the job I have, thanks"?  Why suggest you might take it some time in future if you won't?

#5: Why not just, "sorry, I can't do it this year; I have many other things on my plate." Why say "if I do this, I'm totally going to end up hating all of you just like every year because you pile so much on me"?

#8: How about "sorry, I need it then" or just "I don't lend my car" or "why don't you rent one?" or "can I give you a ride to the shop to pick it up instead?" or "I think Aunt Jane also mentioned she needs to go grocery shopping; maybe you can go with"?  Again, why make it sound like they're untrustworthy or like you put a dollar amount on stuff you'll lend (or next they'll be asking to borrow something of yours that's worth $999 that you also won't want to lend)?

#9: Seems to me the polite thing to say is simply, "Oh no, you're a guest, of course you don't need to bring anything."  Duh.  It makes you sound nice and avoids awkward excuses or leaving the person an opening to argue about how your menu could probably take just ONE MORE THING or feel like her dip isn't good enough for your menu.

#10. This one i have no clue about!  Yet another reason getting married would be a fiasco for me--there's no way I'd want a shower (if everyone is already giving a wedding gift, why on earth would I want to ask them for ANOTHER one?  Plus I'm not big into showers, period).  But there's really no way to say no without someone who's a traditionalist and thinks a wedding isn't proper without elements X, Y, and Z thinking you're just trying to be a jerk...

holly firestorm

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Re: Ten guilt-free ways to say no
« Reply #4 on: November 03, 2008, 11:57:18 AM »
"5. Request: You are asked to coordinate the bake sale -- again -- at your child's school.

What you should say: "I know I'm going to disappoint you, but I've decided not to volunteer this year, because I fear I'll end up feeling resentful. Is there any way to get some of the other parents to step up?"

Why it works: Often people feel manipulated into doing something ("The ice cream social just won't happen without your help!"). If you can address the problematic pattern of one person's doing all the work, you sidestep the manipulation. And if you say no, it might force others (who never get asked) to say yes.

Why you shouldn't feel guilty: "You've done your fair share, and now others can do this job," says Robinson."


Nah!  The answer is, "I'm sorry, but I have other obligations this time.  Besides, it's time we gave someone else a chance to take the lead on this.  I'll be glad to make a batch of cookies, though.  How does two dozen sound?"

kareng57

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Re: Ten guilt-free ways to say no
« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2008, 09:43:07 PM »
I agree with all the PPs.  Most sound pretty bad to me.

They might indeed be guilt-free - but, the more excuses that you (generic you) tack onto a "no" - the more opportunity there is for the other party to try to counter them.  The wedding guest who wants to bring BF - "sorry, we have a strict budget that we have to stick to" - "then I'll pay for his share!"  The bake-sale coordinator - "but we're really well organised, you'll have lots of help and will hardly have to do anything" - etc.  etc.

Shortcake

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Re: Ten guilt-free ways to say no
« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2008, 12:40:47 PM »

They might indeed be guilt-free - but, the more excuses that you (generic you) tack onto a "no" - the more opportunity there is for the other party to try to counter them. 

I have found this to be true.
"Carry out a random act of kindness, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you."  Princess Diana

Elaan of Troyius

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Re: Ten guilt-free ways to say no
« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2008, 06:29:19 PM »
I don't like them either.  I think they give far too many excuses.

#1: I'd far rather just say "I don't have any spare money."  Otherwise, yes, it DOES sound like you think they're untrustworthy.

#4: What's wrong with, "I really enjoy the job I have, thanks"?  Why suggest you might take it some time in future if you won't?

#5: Why not just, "sorry, I can't do it this year; I have many other things on my plate." Why say "if I do this, I'm totally going to end up hating all of you just like every year because you pile so much on me"?

#8: How about "sorry, I need it then" or just "I don't lend my car" or "why don't you rent one?" or "can I give you a ride to the shop to pick it up instead?" or "I think Aunt Jane also mentioned she needs to go grocery shopping; maybe you can go with"?  Again, why make it sound like they're untrustworthy or like you put a dollar amount on stuff you'll lend (or next they'll be asking to borrow something of yours that's worth $999 that you also won't want to lend)?

#9: Seems to me the polite thing to say is simply, "Oh no, you're a guest, of course you don't need to bring anything."  Duh.  It makes you sound nice and avoids awkward excuses or leaving the person an opening to argue about how your menu could probably take just ONE MORE THING or feel like her dip isn't good enough for your menu.

#10. This one i have no clue about!  Yet another reason getting married would be a fiasco for me--there's no way I'd want a shower (if everyone is already giving a wedding gift, why on earth would I want to ask them for ANOTHER one?  Plus I'm not big into showers, period).  But there's really no way to say no without someone who's a traditionalist and thinks a wedding isn't proper without elements X, Y, and Z thinking you're just trying to be a jerk...

Yeah K, I like your comments. I'd just have one generic question to all when it comes to being polite in general, though:

Why is it considered rude to say no to someone/why do people feel guilty about saying "no" (or perhaps "no, thank you" or "no, I'm sorry" -- I'm sure there are more polite ways to say it, and no reason why it can't or shouldn't be said politely) at all -- for no other reason than this:  You/your family/your hobbies/your money/your time -- are, plain and simple, really and truly more important to you than fulfilling some request made by, or saying yes to, somebody else?

Isn't there a way to be simultaneously polite and honest? (or maybe that's a subject for a different thread, elsewhere in the forum -- I apologize if this isn't the place for it)

LOL, and K, I'm with you on the shower thing. 

~Elaan.

blue2000

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Re: Ten guilt-free ways to say no
« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2008, 04:38:15 PM »
Isn't there a way to be simultaneously polite and honest?

It is not rude at all to say no.

It is not rude at all to say "I have family plans for that day."

"Unfortunately, I'm busy. Perhaps another time?"

"No, sorry, that just doesn't work for me."

"Sorry, my schedule is full this month."

"No I really can't manage that event. I have other things going on right now."

In short, the shortest and most truthful answer works best. If your family comes first, feel free to say so. What are they going to say, that you should ignore your spouse and kids in order to do them a favour?? I wouldn't think much of anyone who tried that line!
You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.