General Etiquette > Family and Children

what the heck sort of person screws w/ funeral plans?

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dawbs:
This has been a stressful time, and I've jumped back to the top to say "this post sounded more venty than I intended".  Because it definately sounds venty.  If it should be moved, mods, please do.

Mr. Dawb's grandfather died.  The funeral is tomorrow.  The grandmother and 2 daughters have done the planning.

Right now, we're accepting that it's all about what grandmother wants, because it was her husband.  While this is hard on everyone, we're trying to ease her, as best we can, into a life that may be radically different. (There is a lot of family stuff and backstory in the background here.)

Some lovely people are assisting w/ funeral arrangements.  The asked grandmother what music she wanted for the memorial.  Grandmother wanted to think about it.  She made her opinions known and asked daughters to inform the correct people.  One daughter (I'll call her Janet) volunteered to call for these details to the arrangements.  Janet called the funeral people and told them that grandmother wished for all Christmas music at the memorial. 

Which would be fine, if grandmother hadn't made it very clear that the mixing of grief with holidays is adding to her stress, and that she wants a completley different genere of music.  She wants to avoid Christmas music.

The lovely funeral people called back for specifics (religious or non religious music) when the other daughter (I'll call her Linda) was home...and Linda asked grandmother if she was sure that's what she wanted.  They were able to inform the lovely people that there was a 'misunderstanding'.

Of course, the 'misunderstanding' would be much more forgivable if Janet hadn't already pulled so much crap (tried to get an autopsy done against grandmother's wishes with a few "misunderstood" calls to the funeral home, changed obituary wording against grandmother's wishes (for safety reasons, the lines about "avid collector of XXXXX items worth tons of $$$" were removed.  Janet had a second obituary run which included that info) and decided that when grandmother was tired and wanted some peace to grieve it was the time to deep clean (with noxious chemicals and loud noises) the house until 2 am...the list goes on)

And it's all done in such a passive-agressive manner-- nothing ever to call her on. It's hard to describe how she manages to make you think she's in the right and being slighted when you're face to face with her.

So the lovely funeral people have been told to check with Linda before any changes are made.  Here's hoping that that gets us through the services in peace.

Clara Bow:
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, it's time to knock someone off her high horse. I think that the funeral home needs to be informed that a nasty little toxic relative is trying to turn this into her show and that all plans need to be checked with Granny, NOT Linda. And I think it's time someone had a come to Jesus meeting with Linda about what her place in all this is (like, behind Granny!!).....
Good luck and I am very sorry for your loss.

kingsrings:
Who messes with funeral plans, you ask?? Lots of people do! Death brings out the best in people, but unfortunately the worst in people also. My grandfather passed away suddenly a year and a half ago, and we went through holy hell with my aunt who insisted that she was going to determine what the funeral date was going to be. My GF's wife is the one who does that. My aunt of course picked a date that my military brother, who got special, limited family leave from overseas couldn't make. And she refused to budge on the date no matter what because she said it would be incovenient to her and her family. When we asked what the inconveniences would be, she proceeded to tick off a list of very trivial, petty incoveniences that could of been accomodated with no great loss or disturbance to their family. Finally GF's wife put her foot down and said that it was going to be another date that everyone could make, and that was that. Aunt said fine, then my family will just not attend the funeral. So the whole entire family stayed home while the rest of us were there at the funeral because they couldn't get their frequent flyer miles for the trip. The absence was very noticeable, and people were confused and asking where they were. An event that could of brought the whole family together for support and fellowship together was somewhat marred by their absence. Now we're having serious problems with them over GF's estate, but that's a whole different story.

In your situation, I don't think that you have anything to worry about with this Janet causing any more problems. The funeral home has been clearly instructed to not listen to her about any changes and such. They're used to dealing with situations like this and know what to do. Believe me, I bet they have seen far worse situations. I don't know what it is about death that makes people like Janet, my aunt, and others act so horrible and uncooperative. I wish I knew so I could understand.

Clara Bow:
Oh fiddle, I got the names wrong. I said Linda and meant Janet...sorry about that! I'm crazy from finals....

Balletmom:
Yep, death brings out the worst in some people...worse yet, family.

Whatever you can do to stop her, you are already doing.

If someone wants to pull Janet aside and tell her that she's causing huge amounts of further grief to Grandma, they can. But somehow I don't think that will be successful.

The Plan B of letting everyone know that Janet has no real power to make decisions or decide anything is much more practical.

At a certain point, everything is "done." The only thing left to prepare for is Janet's possible misbehavior at the funeral.

And you know, she wouldn't be the first or last.

I'm sorry she is adding to the family grief, and sorry for Mr. Dawbs.

 :-[

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