Need help with family and gifts...

[MomOf2Boys]

This year my brother and I agreed to skip buying gifts for each other and just focus on the kids. He has 5 kids (though he only buys for 2 because he has no rights to the other 3) and my other brother has 4 (he is in jail but he only buys for 2 when he does buy) then when you add in my hubbys 3 nieces & nephews that is a lot of gifts to buy. I only have 2 kids but I do buy for ALL my nieces and nephews regardless of my brothers standing in their life.

Well I just got a call from brothers girlfriend (who was one of my best friends before they got involved but that is another story) and she had just heard from my mom that brother and I aren't buying for each other. Her call was basically "I have always bought for you and your family even before "brother" and I got involved and I can't stop now." So, it appears that I am "expected" to continue a tradition that her and I started 10 years ago when our relationship was a lot different than it is now. I suppose I could deal with that but it seems rather tacky to buy a gift for my brothers gf but not for him (especially since he works and she doesn't so basically he will be buying the gift). Any ideas?

[LibraryLady]

It sounds like she is kind of blackmailing you.  Just a simple statement that with downturn in economy, the moon being blue - whatever - you have decided to cut things back.  If she gets you something, OK.  Take her out for a drink or meet and go shopping. 

I have (slowly but surely) accepted that some people will get you a gift even after agreement was made not to.  Don't feel guilty that you are following the agreement, but s/he is not.

HTH
LibraryLady

[Chocolate Cake]

At the time she called, how did you respond?  Did you say, "Don't buy for me or hubby because I'm only giving to the kids this year"?   

[Minmom3]

<<Any ideas?>>

Yeah, tell her your Christmas list has grown enormously since you two starting gift exchanges 10 years ago, and you can't afford to buy for every adult you have in your family now, so you don't buy for people with children anymore, you only get things for the children themselves (and, in my own case, the child-free adults). 

Things change, and she shouldn't pout about it.

[audhs]

I'd just buy for the kids and act like I hadn't heard her demand a gift from you.  If she wants to buy you a gift that's her perogitive but just because you used to always buy her gifts in no way means you have to continue buying her gifts.

We do not give so we will get. (or we shouldn't)

[EvilAlice]

I'd just buy for the kids and act like I hadn't heard her demand a gift from you.  If she wants to buy you a gift that's her perogitive but just because you used to always buy her gifts in no way means you have to continue buying her gifts.

I agree.  I've worked very hard over the years to get out of the whole gifting mess.  I have one friend who just refuses to hear it, and I've let myself give in every year. She was the last person I was stuck doing the obligatory gift thing with. It irritates me.  I like to give gifts because I found something the other would truly enjoy, at any time, not because it's an obligation, and particularly at this time of year where shopping is even more of a nightmare than it normally is to me.  I can't just buy something to have something and be done with it, so the stress of finding the "perfect gift" just isn't worth it to me.

This year though I'm traveling a lot and won't have a chance to see her till after Xmas.  I'm glad about this and hope this finally kills it.  Next year I'm not going to let myself give in.  I've ended it with my family so I can end it with her too.

[bopper]

There is this book, called "The Five Love Langages".

"Unhappiness in relationships often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages, believes Dr. Gary Chapman. While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, he identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one. Some husbands or wives may crave focused attention; another needs regular praise. Gifts are highly important to one spouse, while another sees fixing a leaky faucet, ironing a shirt, or cooking a meal as filling their "love tank." Some partners might find physical touch makes them feel valued: holding hands, giving back rubs, and sexual contact. "

So there are some people who's Love Language is receiveing gifts.  So by telling them you won't exchange gifts, you are effectively saying you don't like them anymore.  That may not be your language, but it very well might be your BFs GF's.

[goblue2539]

There is this book, called "The Five Love Langages".

FWIW, my mom swears by this book.  My uncle is one of those "receiving gifts" people.  I've noticed mom handling him much better since she read this book.  I haven't read it yet, but it's definitely on my list.  Anything my mom recommends I consider good on principle.

[MomOf2Boys]

At the time she called, how did you respond?  Did you say, "Don't buy for me or hubby because I'm only giving to the kids this year"?   

Well, I tried to point out to her that brother and I had agreed to just buy for the kids in order to save money and time but I am afraid I wasn't firm enough. I get her point that her & I have always exchanged gifts but...at this point she is much more my brothers gf than my friend so I feel that she should respect what the 2 of us have agreed to. Two of the kids I am buying for are hers so it's not like I am suddenly excluding her family.
I think I'll talk to brother when he gets home tonight and see if he can talk to her. Perhaps I shouldn't put it off on him but it is his money and his girlfriend.

[MomOf2Boys]

There is this book, called "The Five Love Langages".
"

I love to read and that sounds interesting so I think I'll go look for it (or maybe I could suggest it to brothers gf as a gift idea for me since she won't give up, lol).