Not Going To Happen 'Cause I'm Not Harry Potter (Impossible Patron Requests)

[Kaymyth]

Upon reading responses:  none of you are wrong. 

Thing is, in the past, large mailings have led to several temps being brought in.  Team Lead is rather miffed that this, the BIGGEST mailing we've ever done, is not meriting the same treatment.  At this point, though, it's moot.  There is now no way to get anyone in and background-checked in time.

I e-mailed our relationship manager yesterday and explained that deadline Would Not Happen.  We'll see on Monday whether this leads to head-esplody or actual solutions.  Either way should be entertaining. 

[bluhairfreak]

This call actually went to one of the floor managers in the call center but was shared and the source of much laughter.  I work for a bank, specifially in the online telephone support.  My bank offers a service where you can take a photo of a check and deposit it remotely(and that info probably gave away the bank but oh well)  Normal funds availability rules apply, such as cut-off times, non-business days don't count, and checks are NEVER available for use on the same day as the day of deposit.  Well the call center was open on Thanksgiving day and a woman called up who wanted funds from a check she had photo'd at 5pm on Thanksgiving day to be available at midnight so she could go shopping.  Not possible and not happening.

[Reika]

That sounds like one lady I had on this past Monday who called up screaming that she hadn't gotten her money off her life insurance in time for Black Friday. It takes up to 10-15 business days to process the request, they try to do it sooner, but this time of year is incredibly busy so it can take the maximum amount of time. We're very clear on the processing time, both on the phone and the form they fill out to withdraw the money.

The kicker of the thing is that she sent in the request last Monday. Yes, the Monday of Thanksgiving week.

We also mail out the checks from our office in Florida. She lived in California. Ye-ah, not happening.

[PaintingPastelPrincess]

We're shipping something for a customer from a factory overseas to their warehouse here in the USA.  The product is in production at the factory.  The customer called me today, after confirming receipt of the notice this morning that the product is now being produced and will be ready to ship in approximately 3 weeks, to ask if it would be in his warehouse tomorrow.  And then whine, a LOT, when I told him that was impossible.

[lady_disdain]

Upon reading responses:  none of you are wrong. 

Thing is, in the past, large mailings have led to several temps being brought in.  Team Lead is rather miffed that this, the BIGGEST mailing we've ever done, is not meriting the same treatment.  At this point, though, it's moot.  There is now no way to get anyone in and background-checked in time.

I e-mailed our relationship manager yesterday and explained that deadline Would Not Happen.  We'll see on Monday whether this leads to head-esplody or actual solutions.  Either way should be entertaining. 

How did things go?

[HorseFreak]

I had a client call today who clearly just wanted to guilt/name-drop me into giving him a discount. I have neither the power nor the inclination to give discounts. I called him to schedule an appointment, not aware that he was calling for prices. For background, he had only previously been a client during our discount service days. He mentioned repeatedly the name of someone who had been Big Boss (FBB) some years ago (before I arrived and before an accident seriously injured her so she can no longer provide services) and bragged about being their long term client. From that point I knew he would be a pain in the rear since FBB had let clients get away with bartering for services and giving friends deep discounts. At one point I offered that he could call FBB directly since he was a client of hers and sometimes she makes exceptions for physically undemanding appointments. He quickly changed the subject indicating he wasn't as close to her as he wanted me to believe. I answered all his questions about cost and he started musing about how he could get the same service for $5 less (a $25 service) in a city 30 miles away, and he could get a certain product cheaper at a specialty store (unlikely since we're seriously underpriced) and he needed SIX of them. Woo-hoo, it's a whopping $30 profit (excluding labor) on the whole endeavor.

I spent 15 minutes on the phone with him over a $50-60 service call; most calls that are that complicated to schedule bring in $1000+. I was proud of myself for remaining exceptionally polite and playing dumb about knowing what he really wanted. I agreed with him that he should go with the cheaper option if that's what he would prefer and he kept repeating how he wanted to "support" us. Yeah, except we lose money every time he comes in for the discount event. Eventually I think he got tired of me agreeing that there's nothing wrong with making this decision on finances and he scheduled an appointment.

I always try to convince the client to come to us if it's an emergency or something that's in their best interest to get serviced soon. For non-technical appointments it doesn't really bother me if they go elsewhere. Whatever works for them. The clients with the lowest yearly spending are often the most demanding and giving discounts just feeds the beast.

[Daffodil]

In store, we can only accept credit card for bill payments. This is because we are sales only. We are not billing or tech support and there's no exceptions. If you want to pay your bill with another tender, you can do it through your bank or online.

This one woman came in to pay her bill and tried to with cash and I told her this. She decided to get an attitude with me and I told her the above, word for word. She then tries to guilt trip me, saying she can't do it in store because she doesn't have a credit card and she can't go to the bank because she works 9-5 and her spouse is in the hospital. I tell her I'm sorry to hear that and then repeat her options above, once again stating there are *no* exceptions because we're sales.

She leaves in a huff but then calls the store asking if she can pay with money order because her bill is passed due and repeats her story. I repeat what I told her before. I also suggest if she needs a few extra days, call client care because we.are.not.billing. 

She calls back and asks the same question a few more times talking about her spouse in the hospital and her work schedule, but finally gives up. Yes, it sucks that your options are limited but when I tell you no exceptions, I mean exactly that - no matter what your story is. 

[Kaymyth]

Upon reading responses:  none of you are wrong. 

Thing is, in the past, large mailings have led to several temps being brought in.  Team Lead is rather miffed that this, the BIGGEST mailing we've ever done, is not meriting the same treatment.  At this point, though, it's moot.  There is now no way to get anyone in and background-checked in time.

I e-mailed our relationship manager yesterday and explained that deadline Would Not Happen.  We'll see on Monday whether this leads to head-esplody or actual solutions.  Either way should be entertaining. 

How did things go?

Rather unspectacularly.

The general response was, well, we've got the proper customer letters, yes?  And the merchant letters?  Well, just keep plodding away at the rewards letters, and keep us updated.

Oh, yes, and someone from CompanyCo replied with something to the effect of, "We're not legally required to give notice at all, so we don't really care if the letters go out later than expected."  The upshot of which is, they're not going to spring any extra money to make this job go any easier/faster.  Thank goodness we won't be doing work for CompanyCo after this, because I'd really like to kick the whole company in the shins.  Do companies have shins?

Yeeeeeah.  Not the way I'd run a business, but whatevs, kids.

Good news:  We found a small paper-folding machine in a storage room.
Bad news:  It is a piece of crap.  I was advised to feed only one sheet of paper at a time through it.  This is marginally faster than hand-folding.
More good news:  I intimidate said machine, and have managed to train it to allow me to feed small stacks into it.  I just have to babysit it so that it doesn't try to take the whole stack and choke.

And have I mentioned that we're short-handed and have only a small fraction of workday-time to actually deal with the letters?  This whole thing is just a giant floaty red ball of stupid.

[MNdragonlady]

How did things go?

Rather unspectacularly.

The general response was, well, we've got the proper customer letters, yes?  And the merchant letters?  Well, just keep plodding away at the rewards letters, and keep us updated.

Oh, yes, and someone from CompanyCo replied with something to the effect of, "We're not legally required to give notice at all, so we don't really care if the letters go out later than expected."  The upshot of which is, they're not going to spring any extra money to make this job go any easier/faster.  Thank goodness we won't be doing work for CompanyCo after this, because I'd really like to kick the whole company in the shins.  Do companies have shins?

Yeeeeeah.  Not the way I'd run a business, but whatevs, kids.

Good news:  We found a small paper-folding machine in a storage room.
Bad news:  It is a piece of crap.  I was advised to feed only one sheet of paper at a time through it.  This is marginally faster than hand-folding.
More good news:  I intimidate said machine, and have managed to train it to allow me to feed small stacks into it.  I just have to babysit it so that it doesn't try to take the whole stack and choke.

And have I mentioned that we're short-handed and have only a small fraction of workday-time to actually deal with the letters?  This whole thing is just a giant floaty red ball of stupid.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this ugliness. But, I must admit that your story-telling ability has me in tears from giggling so hard. If nothing else, your frustration has given someone else some joy.

(My favorite is that you "intimidate said machine". Picture-perfect.)

Hope this resolves more quickly than you anticipate.

[Onyx_TKD]

Upon reading responses:  none of you are wrong. 

Thing is, in the past, large mailings have led to several temps being brought in.  Team Lead is rather miffed that this, the BIGGEST mailing we've ever done, is not meriting the same treatment.  At this point, though, it's moot.  There is now no way to get anyone in and background-checked in time.

I e-mailed our relationship manager yesterday and explained that deadline Would Not Happen.  We'll see on Monday whether this leads to head-esplody or actual solutions.  Either way should be entertaining. 

How did things go?

Rather unspectacularly.

The general response was, well, we've got the proper customer letters, yes?  And the merchant letters?  Well, just keep plodding away at the rewards letters, and keep us updated.

Oh, yes, and someone from CompanyCo replied with something to the effect of, "We're not legally required to give notice at all, so we don't really care if the letters go out later than expected."  The upshot of which is, they're not going to spring any extra money to make this job go any easier/faster.  Thank goodness we won't be doing work for CompanyCo after this, because I'd really like to kick the whole company in the shins.  Do companies have shins?

Yeeeeeah.  Not the way I'd run a business, but whatevs, kids.

Good news:  We found a small paper-folding machine in a storage room.
Bad news:  It is a piece of crap.  I was advised to feed only one sheet of paper at a time through it.  This is marginally faster than hand-folding.
More good news:  I intimidate said machine, and have managed to train it to allow me to feed small stacks into it.  I just have to babysit it so that it doesn't try to take the whole stack and choke.

And have I mentioned that we're short-handed and have only a small fraction of workday-time to actually deal with the letters?  This whole thing is just a giant floaty red ball of stupid.

Awww, the poor neglected little paper-folding machine just needed some attention and training. Is it getting praise and ear skritches--I mean, umm, pats? (What would be analogous to ears and ear skritching on a paper-folding machine?)--now that it's trying to please? 

[Nora]

Awww, the poor neglected little paper-folding machine just needed some attention and training. Is it getting praise and ear skritches--I mean, umm, pats? (What would be analogous to ears and ear skritching on a paper-folding machine?)--now that it's trying to please? 

As an expert in this area, I used to have this relationship with the postage machine when I worked for BMW, the equivalent to skritches is to praise the machine for it's hard work and discipline while in the earshot of others. This pleases the machine, and inspires it to future cooperation. Never neglect this integral part of the machine-human relationship, or you will find yourselves in the mines when the revolution comes.

[chibichan]

More good news:  I intimidate said machine, and have managed to train it to allow me to feed small stacks into it.  [/quote]

Just so you know , this actually qualifies as a SuperPower . Now you must acquire Lightning Speed , X-Ray Vision and the Ability To Fly .

Then you gotta pick out a cool Super Hero name .

[Kaymyth]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this ugliness. But, I must admit that your story-telling ability has me in tears from giggling so hard. If nothing else, your frustration has given someone else some joy.

(My favorite is that you "intimidate said machine". Picture-perfect.)

Hope this resolves more quickly than you anticipate.

Oh, it's not that ugly, it's just a complete farce.   I'm honestly not half as stressed as I sound about it anymore*, but the whole situation's just too absurd to resist the poking of the funs. 

Anyway, I figure by the end of the week we might actually be through a third of the letters.

*There was stress.  Then some of my coworkers said (minus paraphrasing and artistic license), "Stop stressing!  The whole thing is stupid, you know it, we know it, and CompanyCo knows it.  Now rein in your work ethic before you go crazy and take the rest of us with you!"

Awww, the poor neglected little paper-folding machine just needed some attention and training. Is it getting praise and ear skritches--I mean, umm, pats? (What would be analogous to ears and ear skritching on a paper-folding machine?)--now that it's trying to please? 

As an expert in this area, I used to have this relationship with the postage machine when I worked for BMW, the equivalent to skritches is to praise the machine for it's hard work and discipline while in the earshot of others. This pleases the machine, and inspires it to future cooperation. Never neglect this integral part of the machine-human relationship, or you will find yourselves in the mines when the revolution comes.

Honestly, even with "training", I'm still going to be harboring a deep desire to go Office Space on its mechanical butt before this is all through.  It's not so much trying to please as bending reluctantly to my adamantium will.  Bow before me, puny paper folder!

Just so you know , this actually qualifies as a SuperPower . Now you must acquire Lightning Speed , X-Ray Vision and the Ability To Fly .

Then you gotta pick out a cool Super Hero name .

Well, as stated above, I have Adamantium Willpower, so that must count for something.    Alas, I get vertigo, so as much as I'd love to fly I'd have all the natural grace of a june bug.

Just so's you know, this did prompt a discussion between myself and my DH of him being a sidekick and wearing hot pants.  His response, "Oh, you'd LIKE that, wouldn't you?" 



And so that I don't leave you all with the impression that my workplace is terrible, I really do have great managers and coworkers.  I got an official recognition for being able to tackle all of the things that've come my way (including jumping into two other programs, because we're just that short-handed and I'm flexible and learn really quickly) and Generally Being Awesome (tm) today, so that made me feel pretty good.  And now that I'm not a temp anymore, I get bennies!

[pwv]

More good news:  I intimidate said machine, and have managed to train it to allow me to feed small stacks into it. 

Just so you know , this actually qualifies as a SuperPower . Now you must acquire Lightning Speed , X-Ray Vision and the Ability To Fly .

Then you gotta pick out a cool Super Hero name .
[/quote]

not to mention a cool Super Hero costume

[rashea]

*There was stress.  Then some of my coworkers said (minus paraphrasing and artistic license), "Stop stressing!  The whole thing is stupid, you know it, we know it, and CompanyCo knows it.  Now rein in your work ethic before you go crazy and take the rest of us with you!"

I'm posting that on my wall!