Not Going To Happen 'Cause I'm Not Harry Potter (Impossible Patron Requests)

[Piratelvr1121]

At some point, I probably would have lost it and said "Ma'am"...waited for silence and then proceeded very slowly..."She is dead.  She died.  She is no longer alive.  She. Is. Dead."

I'd be tempted to respond, "Well, I believe she's still in CrestView cemetary, plot #1234. You could try her there."

She wouldn't voom if you put four million volts through her. She's bleeding demised. Bereft of life! She rests in peace!
She is no more. She has ceased to be. She has run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. She is an EX-EMPLOYEE!

No, no she's resting.

I guess I'd better get a replacement, then!  Sorry, we've run all out of ex-employees.  I've got a slug!

[BarensMom]

At some point, I probably would have lost it and said "Ma'am"...waited for silence and then proceeded very slowly..."She is dead.  She died.  She is no longer alive.  She. Is. Dead."

I'd be tempted to respond, "Well, I believe she's still in CrestView cemetary, plot #1234. You could try her there."

She wouldn't voom if you put four million volts through her. She's bleeding demised. Bereft of life! She rests in peace!
She is no more. She has ceased to be. She has run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. She is an EX-EMPLOYEE!

No, no she's resting.

I guess I'd better get a replacement, then!  Sorry, we've run all out of ex-employees.  I've got a slug!

This reminded me of what happened at my first job.  I worked for a small mail-order company run by a woman named "Jane."  Jane passed away suddenly while away on business, and it was during this time, a coworker and I had the following customer exchange (I was training):

Coworker:  "Company Name, may I take your order?"  (coworker was on the order line.)
Customer:  "I want to talk to Jane."  (We had been told not to reveal Jane's death, BTW.)
Coworker:  "I'm sorry, Jane is unavailable. This is the order line - do you want to place an order?"
Customer:  "No I want to talk to Jane.  Could you tell her this is (name)?"
Coworker:  "I'm sorry sir, as I've said before, Jane is unavailable.  May I take a message for our manager and have her return your call?"
Customer:  "I want to speak to Jane, NOW!  Don't give me that crap, I know she's there."
Coworker:  "Sir, Jane is not on site.  Please call our manager at the main number, which is..."
Customer:  "I don't want your manager, I want to speak to Jane." He adds a few (bleeps).
Coworker:  (Turning red) "Jane is deceased."
Customer:  "Can I leave a message for her, then?"

[MissRose]

*hits head on desk* when the customer asked Barensmom's co-worker to leave a message for a dead person!!!!

[lady_disdain]

If Barensmom could send messages for the dead, she would be in a different line of work.

[TheaterDiva1]

I used to work in collections.  This one was as much brain-hurty as Harry Potter worthy but here goes. This happened in mid-August

DB: Me, your fearless contributor
MD: Caller on the other line.  Somewhat Math Defecient

DB: Thanks for calling, how can I help you?
MD: I want to set up a payment plan for my bill.
DB: Sure I can help you with that, looks like you owe about $500.  What were you thinking of for a monthly payment?
MD: I want to pay $50/month.
DB: Sure we can set that up (goes into speil about how we set up  payment plans)  The first payment will come out in September.
MD: So will this be paid off by Christmas?
DB: No, to do that you need to pay $125/month
MD: I can't afford that, I can pay $50/month
DB: I can accept that as a payment, but it will take about a year to pay off
MD: But I want it done by Christmas
DB: Then you will need to pay more each month
MD: I can't afford that, why can't I pay $50/month and have it paid off by christmas?
DB: Simple math sir, we can do $50/month and pay it off in about a year, or $125/month to pay it off by christmas
MD: That doesn't make any sense but I guess $50/month

Don't you know - that's the "new math!"

[Dazi]

All the dead talk reminds me of a strange conversation I had at a place I used to work...

We kept getting collections calls for this one woman and no matter how many times we told them she no longer worked there, they kept on calling.  Daily, multiply times a day, multiply times a shift.  The girls at the front counter was fed up answering these calls, so I told her to transfer them to me.

CC: Hello, may I speak to Maria Gomez (not real name)
me: Sir, your company has been informed multiple times that Maria does not work, we do not have current cantact information and stop calling us.  This is a place of business, it is extremely disruptive to harass the customer service clerks all day and all night.

CC:  This is an attempt to collect a debt and it is your duty to tell me where she is.
me: Oh, if that's all you wanted to know. She's in Mexico.

CC: You expect me to believe she's in Mexico?
me:  Yes sir, she was deported.  I'm not sure of the rules, but you could try contacting INS to verify that she has in fact been deported.

(At this point I would like to add, she really was deported.  It is not any kind of euphemism.  She was here illegally and was deported.)

CC:  You expect me to believe she's been deported?  That only happens in movies.
me: Sir, may I speak to your supervisor.

on hold a crazy amount of time...
Had a very similar conversation with supervisor.

Got a call a few days later...same conversation...ending with "Oh sorry to bother you, I do see the notation that she was deported and to stop contacting you".

[rose red]

This reminded me of what happened at my first job.  I worked for a small mail-order company run by a woman named "Jane."  Jane passed away suddenly while away on business, and it was during this time, a coworker and I had the following customer exchange (I was training):

Coworker:  "Company Name, may I take your order?"  (coworker was on the order line.)
Customer:  "I want to talk to Jane."  (We had been told not to reveal Jane's death, BTW.)
Coworker:  "I'm sorry, Jane is unavailable. This is the order line - do you want to place an order?"
Customer:  "No I want to talk to Jane.  Could you tell her this is (name)?"
Coworker:  "I'm sorry sir, as I've said before, Jane is unavailable.  May I take a message?"
Customer:  "I want to speak to Jane, NOW!  Don't give me that crap, I know she's there."
Coworker:  "Sir, Jane is not on site.  Please call our manager at the main number, which is..."
Customer:  "I don't want your manager, I want to speak to Jane." He adds a few (bleeps).
Coworker:  (Turning red) "Jane is deceased."
Customer:  "Can I leave a message for her, then?"

The customer was rude to demand Jane NOW, but can't the coworker say "Jane is no longer with this company."  Asking if the caller want to leave a message makes it sound like Jane will call him back which will lead to a bigger mess.

[BarensMom]

This reminded me of what happened at my first job.  I worked for a small mail-order company run by a woman named "Jane."  Jane passed away suddenly while away on business, and it was during this time, a coworker and I had the following customer exchange (I was training):

Coworker:  "Company Name, may I take your order?"  (coworker was on the order line.)
Customer:  "I want to talk to Jane."  (We had been told not to reveal Jane's death, BTW.)
Coworker:  "I'm sorry, Jane is unavailable. This is the order line - do you want to place an order?"
Customer:  "No I want to talk to Jane.  Could you tell her this is (name)?"
Coworker:  "I'm sorry sir, as I've said before, Jane is unavailable.  May I take a message for the manager?"
Customer:  "I want to speak to Jane, NOW!  Don't give me that crap, I know she's there."
Coworker:  "Sir, Jane is not on site.  Please call our manager at the main number, which is..."
Customer:  "I don't want your manager, I want to speak to Jane." He adds a few (bleeps).
Coworker:  (Turning red) "Jane is deceased."
Customer:  "Can I leave a message for her, then?"

The customer was rude to demand Jane NOW, but can't the coworker say "Jane is no longer with this company."  Asking if the caller want to leave a message makes it sound like Jane will call him back which will lead to a bigger mess.

Jane and her husband owned the company and were very prominent locally and in their field.  Her husband and the manager had decided not to make news of her death public until after the return of the body from overseas. My coworker actually asked if she could take a message for our manager to call him back.  (I'll go back and fix that.)

[Bluenomi]

2) Someone had obviously run a film through their camera twice. So one set of pictures included family shots, kids, vacation, etc. Superimposed on the film were pictures of a naked woman. A woman picked up the film and was kicking up a fuss accusing us of superimposing someone else's images on top of her family photos. We assured her that we didn't have the capability of doing that even if we tried. She swore up and down that she didn't know the naked woman in the superimposed photos (which were on the negatives). Finally my coworker asked her, "Well have you checked with other members of your family?" A look of shock came over her, and she said, "Oh. I had better check with my husband." And she walked off.

It wasn't the only time that some customer got angry with us over a double exposed roll of film, and seemed to think someone else's images had somehow floated through the photofinishing chemicals and landed on their film.

I saw that a few times in my photo developing days as well, somehow it was always my fault. Just like it was my fault when people developed out of date film and the prints came out an odd colour.

[Ceallach]

This reminded me of what happened at my first job.  I worked for a small mail-order company run by a woman named "Jane."  Jane passed away suddenly while away on business, and it was during this time, a coworker and I had the following customer exchange (I was training):

Coworker:  "Company Name, may I take your order?"  (coworker was on the order line.)
Customer:  "I want to talk to Jane."  (We had been told not to reveal Jane's death, BTW.)
Coworker:  "I'm sorry, Jane is unavailable. This is the order line - do you want to place an order?"
Customer:  "No I want to talk to Jane.  Could you tell her this is (name)?"
Coworker:  "I'm sorry sir, as I've said before, Jane is unavailable.  May I take a message?"
Customer:  "I want to speak to Jane, NOW!  Don't give me that crap, I know she's there."
Coworker:  "Sir, Jane is not on site.  Please call our manager at the main number, which is..."
Customer:  "I don't want your manager, I want to speak to Jane." He adds a few (bleeps).
Coworker:  (Turning red) "Jane is deceased."
Customer:  "Can I leave a message for her, then?"

The customer was rude to demand Jane NOW, but can't the coworker say "Jane is no longer with this company."  Asking if the caller want to leave a message makes it sound like Jane will call him back which will lead to a bigger mess.

I suspect it would be handled similarly to cases where the CEO or somebody super senior has been fired unexpectedly.  I've been in this position where I've had to take messages and not tell the person that they're no longer working there. Why?  Because if it's a major client or similar it can cause a serious outcry to be told casually by the person answering the phone that the VIP you want to speak to is gone:  "What do you mean they're gone?  Why has nobody told us?  Who is going to take care of __________".     

So instead, we'd take a message, and then they'd get a call from a senior person explaining the situation and reassuring them in regards to any impact it would have on them.  (There was usually a plan in place to contact all of the key players and inform them anyway, but it was important such cases were handled sensitively particularly if the person happened to call before they had been notified of the change). 

[Sirius]

I ran into a similar situation when the store manager I replaced was fired.  His friends came into the store and asked for him, and I'd tell them, "Fred no longer works here."  When asked for more details I'd tell them, "You need to ask him about that."  That was my stock answer, because I wasn't about to tell the former manager's friends why he'd been fired (gross incompetence, but it's been over 30 years now.)

[Piratelvr1121]

This reminded me of what happened at my first job.  I worked for a small mail-order company run by a woman named "Jane."  Jane passed away suddenly while away on business, and it was during this time, a coworker and I had the following customer exchange (I was training):

Coworker:  "Company Name, may I take your order?"  (coworker was on the order line.)
Customer:  "I want to talk to Jane."  (We had been told not to reveal Jane's death, BTW.)
Coworker:  "I'm sorry, Jane is unavailable. This is the order line - do you want to place an order?"
Customer:  "No I want to talk to Jane.  Could you tell her this is (name)?"
Coworker:  "I'm sorry sir, as I've said before, Jane is unavailable.  May I take a message?"
Customer:  "I want to speak to Jane, NOW!  Don't give me that crap, I know she's there."
Coworker:  "Sir, Jane is not on site.  Please call our manager at the main number, which is..."
Customer:  "I don't want your manager, I want to speak to Jane." He adds a few (bleeps).
Coworker:  (Turning red) "Jane is deceased."
Customer:  "Can I leave a message for her, then?"

The customer was rude to demand Jane NOW, but can't the coworker say "Jane is no longer with this company."  Asking if the caller want to leave a message makes it sound like Jane will call him back which will lead to a bigger mess.

Yeah it seems more productive to say "Someone will get back to you if Jane cannot."

[MissRose]

My mother noticed my car making a noise when riding in it but it went away recently.  She said take to the dealer anyways, but I said its not doing it now, I cannot ask them to fix something that isn't happening that would not be good.  I took it a few days later when the problem presented itself fully and it was fixed under warranty.

[ica171]

My mother noticed my car making a noise when riding in it but it went away recently.  She said take to the dealer anyways, but I said its not doing it now, I cannot ask them to fix something that isn't happening that would not be good.  I took it a few days later when the problem presented itself fully and it was fixed under warranty.

Glad you were able to get it fixed! Usually when things make scary noises/do weird things around here, I can never get it to happen again when a professional is present.

[Luci45]

My mother noticed my car making a noise when riding in it but it went away recently.  She said take to the dealer anyways, but I said its not doing it now, I cannot ask them to fix something that isn't happening that would not be good.  I took it a few days later when the problem presented itself fully and it was fixed under warranty.

Glad you were able to get it fixed! Usually when things make scary noises/do weird things around here, I can never get it to happen again when a professional is present.

Isn't that a corollary to Murphy's Law?