Not Going To Happen 'Cause I'm Not Harry Potter (Impossible Patron Requests)

[Sycorax]

Hello, Gibsongirl,

Right, because the barn freezer has a pocket compartment that taps directly into e-hell, which has frozen over due to the inanity of the request!

This compartment is pretty close to the corner where we store the customers who want their mares "really" covered and not only inseminated because "my girl should have some fun with that too".

Sycorax
who's never seen a mare 'having fun' by becoming covered

[pierrotlunaire0]

At the DMV:

"Yes, I need to get a restricted license because I need to get back and forth to work."

I pull up the driving record, and the answer is just plain: no.  The person refused a breathalyser, which is a mandatory 6 months suspension.  Suspension, as in no driving at all.

"No, you don't understand.  The drunk driving case was thrown out by the judge."

Well, that's good for you, but this is a separate issue.  Refusing a breathalyser is an automatic 6 month suspension.  The law in this state has 'implied consent,' which means that by being a licensed driver, and by being behind the wheel of a car, you have given implied consent to reasonable sobriety tests.  Now you can try to sue the state that the breathalyser was unreasonable under the circumstances, but I can't help you.  You need a lawyer, and you need to go to court.  And, by the way, good luck because implied consent convictions are almost impossible to overturn.  You admitted that you refused the breathalyser in court?  You, sir, are out of luck.

"You are not listening to me!  I need a license to get to work!"

I am listening, but there is nothing I can do.  Even if I were to issue you a paper license, you will not receive the official license in the mail.

"That's okay.  I will at least have the paper."

No, you won't, because I am not going to get into trouble for issuing something I know you are not eligible for because you made a mistake.

"I need a license to take my kid to the doctor!  Do you want her to diieeeeeee!?!?!?"

I stop, as if a thought struck me.  How did you get here, sir?

"Um, a -- um, a friend drove me."

Then perhaps your friend will also drive your child, because your license is suspended, and there is nothing I can do for you."

[FoxPaws]

This compartment is pretty close to the corner where we store the customers who want their mares "really" covered and not only inseminated because "my girl should have some fun with that too".

Sycorax
who's never seen a mare 'having fun' by becoming covered

I once saw a television news piece about breeding some champion stallion, and by the time it was over I was ready to start up a crisis hotline for mares.  

Ever since then, the phrase, "he was a real stud," is NOT a compliment in my world.  

[Sycorax]

Hello, FoxPaws,

Ever since then, the phrase, "he was a real stud," is NOT a compliment in my world.  

It certainly and definitely isn't.

Sycorax
"I'm pretty sure my mares like me doing the job better as the 'natural' way. I never bite them in the neck ..." ;-)

[caranfin]

When DH worked in radio, someone called to ask him what time it was going to stop raining. 

I worked at a small town radio station.  One day, the power went out.  At that time, the station did not have an emergency generator.  All we could do was sit in the dark and answer the phone.  I cannot tell you how many phone calls we got that went like this: 

CALLER:  Your radio station is off the air! 
ME:  Yes, we are.  Unfortunately the power is out to the entire town and we do not have an emergency generator.  Power company says crews are working on the outage, and they hope to have power restored to town shortly. 
CALLER:  Shouldn't you be making an announcement that the power is out? 

"But we did. We just announced it on the air. Didn't you hear it?" 

[Minmom3]

She (now sounding rather furious): "Why don't you want to let my mare become covered by your black stallion?"
Me: "Because he isn't a stallion anymore!"
She: "What do you mean with that?"
Me: "My boy is a gelding."
She: "So what? I want to have a foal from him."

Sycorax
"That was the moment my jaw dropped ..."

Could you explain why your jaw dropped to those of us who aren't familiar with horses?  I'm probably not the only one who doesn't understand your post.

Butting in here...
Her jaw dropped because people who OWN horses are SUPPOSED to know that a gelding is a castrated male.     A stallion has his testicles.     A gelding has had his testicles removed, and no longer has sperm with which to impregnate the mare...       Heck, as a Horse Fan as a child of 10 years, I knew the difference between stallion and gelding.    

[Tierrainney]

She (now sounding rather furious): "Why don't you want to let my mare become covered by your black stallion?"
Me: "Because he isn't a stallion anymore!"
She: "What do you mean with that?"
Me: "My boy is a gelding."
She: "So what? I want to have a foal from him."

Sycorax
"That was the moment my jaw dropped ..."

Could you explain why your jaw dropped to those of us who aren't familiar with horses?  I'm probably not the only one who doesn't understand your post.

Butting in here...
Her jaw dropped because people who OWN horses are SUPPOSED to know that a gelding is a castrated male.     A stallion has his testicles.     A gelding has had his testicles removed, and no longer has sperm with which to impregnate the mare...       Heck, as a Horse Fan as a child of 10 years, I knew the difference between stallion and gelding.    

I gotta park my POD right here.  A person who doesn't know what a gelding is has no business whatsoever breeding horses.  Far too many bad horses are running around at least in the USA today that people without knowledge or unwilling to do the research should not be breeding.  There is a blog called Fugly Horse that frequently shows examples of horses that should never have been bred and their offspring.  It also has pictures of abused horses, so don't go looking for the blog if you are squeamish.

[baconsmom]

I don't have any stories like this - fortunately. But I have a general one.

When I worked retail and food service, there were certain customers who were convinced we had extra-special stuff "in the back" or "off-menu". Now, while fine-dining and certain family restaurants probably do have special items off-menu, large multi-national corporate restaurants do not. The restaurants I worked at all had their menus set by corporate offices many miles away, and there was no major deviation allowed (small substitutions, yes, but not whole new entrees). But people just wouldn't believe that - I called more managers over for "I want the 'off-menu' good stuff" than for actual complaints.

Retail was worse. People were always asking me to "go check the back", even in stores where "the back" was an employee bathroom and a couple coathooks. I'd dutifully go stand in the bathroom or stare at the coathooks for a few minutes, then come back and apologize that we didn't have anything "in the back". Though it took me a little while to learn that trick.

And now there's some radio commercial playing (at least locally; I forget what it's for) that urges people to ask clerks to "check in the back, because that's where they keep the good stuff!" I yell at the radio every time: "There's nothing in the back!"

[camlan]

Another thing that used to happen at the State University Library was that people would call and ask us to page someone. We had no paging system. Nothing. No loudspeaker. Zilch. Fifteen minutes before closing, the security guards would go floor to floor, blink the lights and *yell* "Closing in 15 minutes!"

To say nothing of the irate patrons we would have, if every half hour we interrupted their concentration and their studying with, "Peter Milton! Peter Milton! You need to call your mother right away!"

Parents would demand that we page their children. Roommates would give us tales of woe as to what would happen if their roommate couldn't be found right now. I think we had a few jilted girlfriends attempting to find their old boyfriends.

It really didn't matter. There was nothing we could do. Nothing. If it really seemed serious (such as a death in the family), we could offer to post a note at the exit desk. We couldn't guarantee that it would be read by the person it was for, as we had no idea if that person was in the library. And we were under orders not to volunteer this service too often, otherwise the exit desk would become a mass of signs. Apparently, at one point, the library offered to post the signs if anyone asked. But the students saw them and thought that they could post anything they wanted at the exit desk. So things got messy.

[Yarnspinner]

Still another one...kind of a spin off about paging the person from Cam's.

We have a flamboyant, literary, totally insane  patron who disappears for months and even years at a time, then reappears with some new and exciting project that never sees the light of day.  Time was, when he was in town, hewould  connect with all his buds, announce the latest flagship magazine he was going to start, or the television show or the website and then, a few days later, disappear again.  (As far as we can tell he disappears when the medication for his illness runs out or his family catches up with him and gets him back into the clutches of an appropriate facility.)  To talk with him, you would never know.  He's lots of fun and, honestly, I could talk with him for days...but there's still that "he's completely crazy" thing going on.

Anyway, when he disappears, his friends, some new and some old, start calling the library, demanding to know where David is.

Us: I'm sorry, I don't KNOW where David is.
Them: Well, he works there, doesn't he?
Us: Writing his book, yes, but not for us. 
Them: So you know where he might be.
Us: No.  He doesn't keep us up to date on his schedule and we are not his secretaries.
Them: But I need to talk to him NOW.
Us: Have you tried his cell?
Them: Yeah, it's not working.
Us: Then you may want to try again later.
Them: Yeah, but I need to talk to him NOW.  I really need to tell him something.
Us: There's nothing we can do.  He's not here.
Them: Well, don't you have his address.
Us: We can't give that information out to you.
Them: Can't you take a message and tell him when he comes in.  It's urgent.
Us: Sir/Ma'am, we haven't seen David in six weeks.  He's probably at his parents' home again.  You may want to try there.
Them: (suggest an impossible act we can perform upon ourselves): If I wanted to talk to his FAMILY I'd call them.  I need to talk to him like yesterday.
And on and on and on. 

It's kind of a relief when David surfaces again and we don't have to explain the difference between "librarian" and "social secretary."

[FoxPaws]

People were always asking me to "go check the back", even in stores where "the back" was an employee bathroom and a couple coathooks. I'd dutifully go stand in the bathroom or stare at the coathooks for a few minutes, then come back and apologize that we didn't have anything "in the back". Though it took me a little while to learn that trick.

I had to learn a similar trick working in a movie theater because people could not figure out that a) we could not adjust the temperature in an auditorium in a matter of minutes, and/or b) when there were ~300 people present we were not going to make adjustments on the whims of one.

"I need you to turn up the air conditioning. It's freezing in here," said the lady in the 500 seat theater an hour into the movie.
"I'll speak with the manager," said I.  
"Some lady in Die Hard is cold," I'd dutifully tell the manager.
"That's too bad. She should have brought a sweater," the manager would say, continuing with whatever task he was involved in.  

[missmolly]

This is one of those threads where your faith in humanity decreases just a little with every post.

[Itza]

These stories are a hoot!  Keep them coming, please

Here’s mine:-

I’m a Teaching Assistant and time travel is part of my job apparently.

It is recommended - and I’d love to see someone try to enforce this without the help of time travel – that we (me and other TAs) arrive to the class to liaise with the teacher 5 minutes before class starts and to stay 5 minutes after class finishes to discuss the pupils we work with.

Great in theory and providing there is a break between each lesson but there isn’t.  The first two lessons and last two lessons of the day are back-to-back.  The only lesson we can liaise with the teachers 5 minutes before and after class is Lesson 3.

Our only other option is time travel but from what I gather, it’s not been invented yet…

[kareng57]

I work for a print-media company - a national company with hundreds of publications.  But some customers simply can't understand the term "deadline".

Customer phones in: "I need to make some changes to my ad".

Proofing-department: "I'm sorry, sir, but that publication went to the printer three days ago.  The last ad-proof you got did state the final deadline for changes".

Customer: "But I was out of town for a few days, I need these changes!"

Proofing: "Again, I'm sorry, but it's at the printer now, there's nothing I can do."

Customer:  "Sure, you can stop the presses, can't you?"

Bang-head-against-wall.

[Sycorax]

These stories are a hoot!  Keep them coming, please

I have one more.

BG: We own a little stud with 8 breeding mares. That means we have horses to sell, but because we're a little stud it's hardly ever more than five or six from one year.

Last year we had a lady customer who wanted to buy a youngster with talent for dressage. Actually we're specialized on eventing, but in the last years we've used two stallions who are talented for dressage too, so I had one real good dressage horse to offer. The lady watched him under the saddle, tried him herself (and it actually didn't look too bad though she certainly wasn't as talented as him) and then asked me what how many the horse would cost. I told her and for a moment she was quiet, then she looked at the horse (a chestnut) again, patted his neck and said: "Well, if I could get him in dark brown, I'd pay the money."

Sycorax
"Perhaps I should consult a hairdresser about permanent dye for horses?"